I am finally finished with all of my final exams, so that means I'm on winter break! Expect a lot of updating for this story and my other stories too. I can't wait to just lay in bed all day, watch old Scandal eps, drink hot tea, and write.
I am wishing all of my readers a happy, healthy, and peaceful holiday season!
Also wanted to share that I am having a holiday giveaway on my YouTube channel! I am giving away a $40 Amazon gift card and an E.L.F. eyeshadow set! I wanted to give back to all of my followers/subscribers who have made 2015 a truly great year for me. To find the giveaway, search my channel (AleccaOfficial) on YouTube and the details are in the latest video I've posted.
Again, thank you so much for your support with this story and beyond and I hope you enjoy the holidays!
Olivia stretched her palms out across her silk sheets as she awoke slowly to the sun peeking through her curtains. She didn't know what time it was, she didn't really care. She nuzzled her head into her pillow and pulled her sheets tighter around her.
It had been three days since she purchased the Vermont house and Fitz still had not called her. By all accounts, he was barely affected by her gesture at all. She watched him on the news laugh with Congressmen and rally the people to help him fight against police brutality. He was being everything she knew he could be without herself or Mellie being there as a crutch, yet she was more bothered by this than ever before.
She had come completely clean to him. Never in her life had she been so brutally honest with herself, let alone expose that truth to anyone else. She put all of her cards on the table and he just nodded and continued on.
She always told herself that this would be what she wanted: for him to move on, her continue with her life. It would be easier that way, so she thought. She could be everything she wanted to be and he could be everything she knew he could be. Whenever they were together, they were doomed to fall apart. It happened time and time again. It was a cycle that would end up breaking them beyond repair.
Olivia's hand traveled down to her stomach. She inhaled deeply and pressed her eyes shut so the tears would not fall.
How could she be someone's mother if she couldn't even hold a relationship? She wasn't even sure she knew how to love. She wasn't even sure that he knew how to love. Was love supposed to be as unconditional as Fitz made it out to be? She had never known a love like his and even after all of these years it scared her to the core. She never felt like she could meet him where he needed her to.
She felt like a failure. She was her father's failure, and now she was his.
It didn't matter how many cases she solved or the accomplishments she could hang on her wall anymore.
She would always end up failing herself.
Fitz opened his eyes to yet another empty bed. It was weird, he thought, after all of these years waking up alone. In a strange way, it was slightly refreshing. He could finally be alone with his own thoughts, be his own leader and decision maker. Over the years, he lost himself in all of the noise. Now he could finally think clearly and was reminded of why he ever wanted to be President in the first place.
For seven years, he struggled to remember what made him want to be in this place when he could have the simple life he always wanted with Olivia. The Presidency felt like a chore most of the time, and time itself in the White House was trivial. There were moments when he felt himself become inspired again, such as when Jerry died and he bravely changed his stance on gun control. Overall, he just found himself counting down the days until he would be free again.
Until he realized he would never be free again. He would always be followed by Secret Service agents, his every move still watched by the media. On top of it all, his love for Olivia would always tie him down. The "what ifs" and "could have dones" would always plague him. In the silence of the Residence after a day of hard work, he could hear her voice echoing down the barren hallways.
"There is no us! There is no this! There is no Vermont! There is no jam! There's no future. Not anymore."
The last words haunt him the worst. They're enough to bring him to his knees. He can put up a strong front for the American people and the Congressmen and the media, but inside he is forever broken.
Just like Olivia, he had perished the moment she made her decision.
A part of him wants to scream at her, to ask her how she could do such a thing. How she could delete a future that could have been so bright, how she could terminate something that was a product of their love for each other. Sometimes he does scream at her through pillows and wet tears. He ends up crying into worn hands and pressed bedsheets because he can see them, their daughter and son standing on the porch of their Vermont house with linked hands and small smiles on their faces. He can see her, watching in admiration as he tosses them around in the freshly fallen snow from the sliding glass door. Everything would be worth it then. All of the pain and suffering and loss would be worth it.
He wants to yell at her, but he never will. Because the voice that echoes down the hallways is not hers.
It's a voice of a ghost.
The scene is more vivid in his memory now that all of the truth has been set free. She had been at the clinic that night. She was feeling nothing and everything all at once.
He had let her go, but not entirely. Neither had she.
She still wore his ring.
He brought his hand to rest on her pillow, the memory of three days ago floating into his mind.
She bought their house. She had finally committed to him like he had always wanted. He could barely comprehend it, let alone decide what to do. He had signed the house over to her, but what was the next move? Was he supposed to run into her arms and thank her for finally believing in them like she should have before? Was he supposed to take it slow, date her quietly and figure out the kinks in their relationship?
That was the issue, he never knew what she wanted because she never told him. He knew what he wanted, and she knew what he wanted, but she constantly had him shooting in the dark.
He knew what he had to do, but first he had a country to run.
"Liv?" Quinn asked gently, pushing open the door of Olivia's office. Olivia turned from the window. Nowadays when she wasn't working, Quinn and the other associates would often find her staring at the White House in deep thought. They knew that she and Fitz had not had the best breakup, so they did not push her on the subject. They thought that the best way for Olivia to heal would be to carry on as normal.
Quinn started to think that they needed to take a different approach. She continued sending daily updates to Abby, without Olivia's knowledge. Because Abby did not have enough time to spend genuine time with her best friend outside of the White House, she entrusted Quinn to take care of her. It was a big responsibility that was starting to weigh on her. So she decided to do what she knew Abby would do.
Push her.
She closed the door behind her and sat on her couch. Olivia gazed over at her with a confused expression. Quinn patted the spot next to her.
"What's wrong?" She asked, standing up slowly.
"Come sit." Quinn instructed, patting the spot once again. Olivia complied and took the seat next to her.
"Is it the Ava Bryan case? Did the judge not-"
"No, the judge ruled in her favor. She will remain employed at the State Department." She expected Olivia to sigh of relief, but she stayed seemingly unaffected despite all of the effort she had put into the case.
"Then what is it?" Olivia murmured. Quinn hesitantly put a hand on her knee. She was never good at comforting people, especially not as good as Abby was, but she was going to try.
"You." She expected Olivia to stand up or build up a wall of defense, but she just sat in place staring at her hand on her knee.
"Liv…what's wrong? I know what a bad breakup looks like but this…this is something entirely different. This is way more than that." Olivia pressed her lips together in a thin line and closed her eyes. They sat for a moment in silence. Quinn started to rub her back.
"You know three days before Christmas Marcus offered to spend time with me, but I rejected his offer. I like to be alone, just like you. It's easier in a way, because you can't hurt anyone and nobody can hurt you. I had planned to just go home and drink the night away, but then Charlie showed up. He had all of these stolen Christmas things: a mini tree, chocolate, a ridiculous hat-" She laughed softly.
"And I just let myself give in. I let myself go. I let myself be happy. That's what you did. I've never seen you so happy. You stood in your truth and he stood in his and together it seemed like you were going to win this thing. So what happened?" Olivia looked up with tears in her eyes.
"Do I start with him moving me into the White House because he didn't trust me after I yet again lied to him or do I talk about the huge secret I kept from him, the abortion procedure?" She said through her tears. Quinn was blown aback.
"There was nothing more I wanted that Christmas than for us to curl up by the fire with goofy hats and chocolate but I just needed to be alone. I couldn't be everything he needed me to be. I couldn't be everything I wanted to be for him and for myself. It was all so suffocating." Quinn enveloped her in a tight hug and continued to rub her back.
"You're situation was hard Liv. It's not easy to figure out a relationship with the whole world watching and expecting so much from you and him."
"I am trying to find the love I once had for fixing, but I can't. I'm still good at it, but I'm not passionate about it anymore." She sobbed, wrapping her arms tightly around Quinn. She never let herself break down in front of anyone, even Abby, but she was so tired and done with trying to put up a front.
"Liv, we're all at that place. Huck wants more than anything to repair his relationship with Javi and his ex-wife, I'm finding happiness with Charlie, Marcus is new but always talks about running for office. If you decided to close, we wouldn't be upset with you. I think we're all at a place where moving on from here would be an acceptable move." Olivia pulled away and squeezed Quinn's arms.
"Thank you. I will think about it. But for now, continue with our case load."
"You got it captain." Quinn replied, saluting her. Olivia laughed briefly before reaching over for a tissue. Quinn sat up and walked towards the door.
"Liv?" She stopped and turned around.
"Yeah?" Quinn smiled weakly.
"For all it's worth, I think you and Fitz still have a chance. You've been through so much together. It all has to amount to something." Olivia smiled weakly.
"Thank you Quinn." She nodded and went back to work, leaving Olivia alone in the middle of her office. Her decision to buy the Vermont house was not weighing on her as much anymore. Fitz would come to her when he was ready. He deserved to have time after years of giving her time.
She just hoped the waiting wouldn't kill her.
Fitz pulled at the sleeves of his blue sweater as he boarded the elevator. He pressed the sixth floor and nodded at the Secret Service agents next to him.
"I will be here for only two to three hours. No overnight. If I try to change the plans, don't let me."
"Yes Sir." Hal responded, nodding in understanding.
"And this trip is not in the log Bart?"
"That would be correct Mr. President."
"Thank you Gentlemen." Fitz said as the elevator doors opened. He felt a bout of nervousness creep up inside him. This is truly it, he thought as he walked towards her front door. He knocked twice, hoping secretly she wasn't home so he could run back to the White House and bury himself in work again. He heard her latch open.
"It's me." He announced quietly. He heard her breath hitch.
On the other side of the door, Olivia stood frozen in place. He hadn't told her that he was coming. The wine and popcorn she had just consumed sat uncomfortably in the pit of her stomach. What was he here to do? Why was he dressed so casually?
"Liv open the door." He murmured, just loudly enough for her to hear and know he's sincere. She quickly undid all of the locks and latches and opened her door. She backed away so he could walk in. He draped his coat over her chair.
"I see you got a new couch." He said simply. She nodded, trying to gauge him.
"It was time for me to move on from that." She replied softly, taking a seat on the couch.
"Can I get you anything? Wine, scotch, I have that burgundy from India that you like." Fitz shook his head.
"I'm fine. I want to have this conversation completely sober." Olivia cocked her head in confusion as he sat down across from her on the couch, close enough that it made her heart race but far enough that they weren't touching.
"I came here to ask you once what you wanted so I could give it to you. But the funny thing is, you never told me verbally what that was. Instead we ran out the clock together and I assumed what you wanted was me." He smiled weakly at the memory and looked down.
"You stood on the Truman Balcony and told me that we could have whatever we wanted." He looked back up at her.
"But again, I never actually knew what you wanted. Did you want me? Did you want more power? Did you want to marry me? Well, we know the answer to that one. You'd rather let your father out of prison than do that."
"I let my father out of prison because I wanted to protect your Presidency Fitz. Marrying you was not the right way to do that. It would have created even more suspicion, lasting suspicion. It was not an easy decision to make, but it was the smart one. You knew that I wanted to marry you someday-"
"Oh really? Because this is the first time I'm ever hearing you say it." An uncomfortable silence fell between them. Fitz shook his head.
"I didn't come here to fight with you Olivia. I came here to talk." He rubbed his hands on his dark jeans.
"Because if we're going to actually do this, it has to be for the final time. We have to be all in. We have to put everything on the table and move past it." Olivia sat for a moment and then nodded.
"Okay." She agreed, bringing her knees to her chest. They sat in brief silence again.
"I'll go first." Fitz offered. He inhaled deeply.
"I still feel like my dad is watching my every move, watching my every failure. If he were here right now, he would laugh about how awfully I've handled the Presidency. You were too right when you said he never loved me; he probably only wanted me in the White House so he could ride on my coattails and finally get to have some executive power. He always knew how to twist my arm." Olivia's heart sank as Fitz paused, his bottom lip quivering. She watched as his lips turned into a slight smile.
"He probably would have died of laughter if it wasn't of a heart attack." Olivia went to go rest her hand on top of his, but retracted it. He didn't seem to notice; he was lost in his thoughts.
"Fitz, your father loved you very much. He wanted you to have everything he didn't in life. He had weird ways of going about that, and side motives were always going to be there. But it was all because he loved you, his only son." Fitz nodded.
"Even if that's true, I may have the Presidency that he never had, but I made all of the same mistakes. My kids barely know me anymore, I'm divorced, an adulterer-" Olivia leaned slightly more into the couch.
"You know it never felt wrong being with you. But I still hate myself for sleeping with Amanda. That was wrong. And I hate that I hurt so many people. Including you." Olivia nodded slowly.
"I forgive you. We've both done our fair share of hurting each other." She smiled weakly.
"My turn. I'm sorry for constantly hurting you with Jake. Especially when I left you when you needed me the most with him for the island." She paused.
"When I found out that you tried to kill yourself I-" Tears pricked in her eyes. She looked away from him for a moment, gathering herself.
"I realized how completely and utterly selfish I was. Everything caught up with me. I ran away from my guilt so I could feel better about it, but I left you and Abby and Quinn and Huck alone. I was supposed to be your gladiator. It was so selfish and it's a decision I will always regret."
"I forgive you." Fitz said simply. "Thank you." She looked down at her hands and nodded.
"I'm sorry for summoning you and treating you like a toy. You mean so much more to me than that. I constantly took you for granted and didn't think about how it made you feel."
Olivia sighed. "I'm sorry for taking you for granted as well. I always expected you to unconditionally love me but also am terrified of how much you love me that it makes me want to run away. I've always been a person that has craved control of her surroundings, but when you're around me everything is…blurry. You cloud my judgement. But that isn't always your fault." Fitz looked down at the new couch.
"I'm sorry for…the kidnapping. If it weren't for me you wouldn't have went through that. You wouldn't still be battling through that." Olivia pressed her lips together and gripped the couch tightly.
"I wasn't going to declare war. I was going to let you have the upper hand. Mellie convinced me otherwise. She reminded me that I would do anything to protect you because I love you. That does not mean that I don't believe that you can handle things on your own. This was a situation that was out of your control. And yes there were lives lost, but they weren't lost in your name Olivia. They were lost in the name of combatting a terrorist regime in West Angola that needed to be handled. You were only one of the many they kidnapped and were going to kidnap if we didn't intervene. So please, do not let that weigh on you anymore." He rested his hand on his lap, inching closer to hers. She nodded and took a deep breath.
"I still feel guilty about Defiance. I never should have went behind your back like that. The vote to rig the election had to be anonymous, and for a while I held out and didn't make a decision. Then I saw you after your father's funeral chopping the wood and I-" She looked into his eyes, the same eyes she looked into that day.
"Thought you needed the Presidency. You were still so hopeful that you were going to win and prove your father wrong, but I knew considering all of the data and the current state of things that you weren't going to. You could try to run again but you probably wouldn't succeed in doing so. It was now or never." She looked down at her lap.
"You didn't need the Presidency. You just needed a new life. You would have been happier being mayor of Montpelier, Vermont than President."
"I just needed you." He summarized. She nodded.
"Yeah." His hand moved an inch closer.
"I'm sorry for moving you into the White House without your consent. I'm sorry for doing that instead of coming to you with my fears and concerns. I dealt with you in the same way that I dealt with Mellie, and I should have never done that because you are not the same people. It was easier to not face the music and keep things mostly okay. I saw things ending and pushed the inevitable conversation with because I was scared. I finally had you in my life the way I wanted to and I never wanted to wake up without you next me again. I wanted it to be forever." He raised his hands.
"But this is the main thing we were missing in our relationship. This is the main reason why we never worked. We never got things off our chests. We never had the conversations we needed to have in order to move into an actual relationship. Before, we could ignore the small pile of things that we felt guilty and hurt about because we only existed in stolen moments. We only had to stand each other in small bits and the rest we could leave to the imagination. We stood on that balcony and it looked like the dawn of a new era, but we still hadn't let go of the past. We built our new relationship on a weak foundation. That's why it crumbled. Not because we don't love each other anymore or because we're not meant to be, because we went into it broken even before the public knew about us. And you're right Liv, we didn't come out together or the same people." A single tear fell down Olivia's face. Before Fitz could thumb it away, she had brushed it quickly aside.
"I have one more thing." She murmured. Fitz looked at her intently.
"You said if it weren't for you, I would have never gotten kidnapped. It's something that will haunt me for the rest of my life, you're right. But because of me, you're never going to hold your little boy again. You're never going to watch him fall in love, get married, have kids, heck maybe even run for President. Jerry was a good public speaker." Tears flowed down her face.
"You are going to live with that for the rest of your life. And because of me, that happened. I could've stayed away from you, but instead I managed to rip and yank at everything good and solid in your life."
"Livvie-" He shifted his position.
"I couldn't let the pregnancy come to term Fitz. I don't know how to love you properly and you're the only person I have ever loved. How could I be our child's mother? How could I bring him or her into this world that we can barely manage? What would the media say about the situation? Would it plague our child to the point that it harmed them? I just can't be the reason why another one of your children suffers. There's just so much-"
His arms are around her then and she lets herself sob the hardest she has since the procedure. Her body trembled as she fought the panic attack threatening to take over her. His arms pulled her flush against his chest so she could hear his heartbeat, the sound she's longed to hear for so long.
"I can't say that I forgive you right now, but I understand your decision. And someday, I will. Just not right now." He whispered into her ear. She continued to cry into the crook of his neck, relishing his embrace and the exit of all of her guilt. Suddenly, she felt his own tears on her neck.
"I love my son more than anything, but I would never ever dare to think you are responsible for his death. I can just as easily say that it is my fault for putting him in harm's way being President. We could try and point fingers, but what's the use. He's gone, and the best I can do to honor that is move on in his memory." His words just make her cry harder. He rocked her until her breathing was slightly back to normal.
They sit for a while, him rocking her gently and she crying softly into the crook of his neck. For the first time, they feel as pure as they did when they first locked eyes. Everything was out on the table, everything was accepted.
They could move on now. They could hit the refresh button.
They could be.
"One minute before I go." Fitz whispered in her ear. She was falling asleep, so he picked her up and laid her down on her bed. He pulled the covers open and settled her in them before crawling next to her. She laid on his chest as she did in the White House, but this time her mind was at peace. Before the one minute was over, she fell into a deep sleep. Fitz kept his promise and kissed her forehead to bid her farewell. His Secret Service followed him back to the awaiting car.
On the car ride home, Fitz watched as lights and scenery blurred past him. He knew that things were not going to be easy, but he also knew that spending the rest of his life without her would be harder.
He checked his schedule for the next day and added in a new block.
I hope you guys liked this update! It took me FOREVER to write (good lord, these chapters are like 4,500 words each, but I feel like there's so much to be said!). I know it was a lot of dialogue but I think that this is a conversation that Fitz and Olivia desparetly need to have if they're ever going to be in it for the long run. There's so much that these two internalize that I could've went on with the back and forth for forever. I love Olitz dearly, but they really need to become better communicators and stop being scared of it if they are ever going to end up together.
Let me know what you thought about this chapter in the reviews section! I am going to try and deliver the next update ASAP! I really do take reviews into account and I know as an avid reader they're annoying to leave sometimes, but as an author I can tell you that they mean so much!
Happy Holidays again!
XXX, B