"The coming of Noah was said to be a great one, but all I see before my eyes is a bird…"
Noah's Angry Ark
Chapter 2: Noah uses a flash bang to kill some dogs.
Noah had no fucking idea what an Angry Bird was, or where he would be able to find one. Two*. So he decided that he would ride that naughty ark all the way to the jungle. The jungle was full of plants and bugs (Authors note: Noah did not have to catch any bugs.). Noah then heard what sounded like birds in the trees.
"Omigosh! That… That sounds like a bird!" Noah shouted!
Little did Noah know, the sounds he was hearing were not birds. They were the cries of infant elephants. The elephants came up to Noah and started playfully tugging on his robes.
"Sorry little fellas, only two of each species." Noah took out his sling shot and put the elephants gently to sleep with it.
Noah looked around and saw many different types of jungle plants.
"Dayumn look at all these plants. Is someone here doin a massive grow-op or something?"
Noah started experimenting with smoking different kinds of plants to see what would, and what wouldn't get him high as a kite. Noah found some flash bangs behind a plant and put them in his pocket for later. A snug of weed grew little green lips.
"Oh cool. I wonder of this weed can suck my dick." But the weed spoke before Noah could lift up his scrubs.
"Noah stop! It is I, Moses, I have a message from the almighty father that I must pass unto you."
Noah brought the weed snug up to his ear and listened to its words.
"God demands that you follow his Pintrest. That is all."
And in a puff of smoke, Moses disappeared. Noah was sad because he never got to light up that snug, but alas, he now had a reason to use his 3G. Noah checked out the Lords Pinboard where he saw an interesting article that he assumed was directed at him. The title of the article was: 'Noah you dumb shit, in order to find a Birds, you must THINK LIKE A BIRD!'
Noah snapped his fingers.
"HOT DOG, GOD!"
So Noah went to KFC so that he could put some bird in his body. If he had parts of a bird inside him, maybe it would help him to think like one, he thought. Noah grabbed a thigh part and looked at it.
"A moment on the lips, a lifetime on the hips!"
Noah would regret eating so many lickin chicken buckets, but it had to be done for the birds safety. Noah heard bird noises again.
"Those noises, they are sounding like birds. They are coming from the kitchen oooooh go figure."
Noah went to the backdoor of the KFC establishment and attempted to put some C4 in front of the back door so that he could break into the kitchen and find birds. Noah then was chased by a rabid bunch of dogs that the manager sent after him for trying to break into 'employee only' areas. Noah's sling-shot proved to be a sling-shit and had no effect on the dogs, so instead he threw a flash bang at them. They died. The C4 blew down the door. Noah prayed.
"For the love of god, please let me find these fuckin angy bids."
Noah set foot inside the kitchen, only to find a nest full of what appeared to be body-less bird heads. Noah thought he was too late and started bashing his head into the wall until he noticed that these are the birds he was looking for.
"Wow, why don't you birds have bodies?" Noah asked the red colored bird.
"Sqwuack! NOAH JUST GET US THE FUCK OUT OF HERE BEFORE WE BECOME A BUCKET OF POP CORN CHICKEN!"
Noah had brought the birds back to his ark, but also threw a few flash bangs behind him into the KFC dining area, as he was not satisfied with his meal.
"It was kind of dry, it tasted similar to that of shit." Noah wrote on a customer complaint sheet.
Noah had put the large nest of Angry Birds safe and sound on his ark and gave God a ring on his black berry.
"Hey almighty father? I got the Angry Birds. So is everything good to go now for the flood and all that pazazz?" Noah was sipping a Capri-sun juice pack and writing his journeys in a small book. GOD SPOKE.
"Noah, you don't have the Blue Bird. Troll harder. G-man, out." And just like that, God had hung up on Noah. Noah was mad, you bet he was! He decided he would ask the other birds if they knew where the blue one was.
"YOU FUCKING ASSHOLE AVIANS ARE CAUSING ME SO MUCH STRESS! WHERE IS YOUR BLUE BALLED BASTARD BRO BIRD AT?" This screaming had caused the yellow bird to shed a few tears and then the toucan answered Noah.
"Idk"
Noah let out a rippin bad fart and went to his quarters. He had to find the Blue Bird. Where could it be? Did the people at KFC hold a grudge against Noah? Will the Mighty Eagle take a mighty dump on the ark? Where is Pirate Captain? All these questions and more will be answered, on the next episode of… Histories Wacky Mysteries!