So, three days later, I was sitting in my father's girlfriend's apartment, staring out at the grey streets around me. It was just me at home, and if I was braver, I'd probably have gone out exploring. But, letting my scared side get the better of me, I skulked off towards 'my' room, at the end of the building. It was smaller and dingier then my one back home…I mean my old home. The walls had been painted a cheery buttercup yellow but it's bright colour did nothing to mask the dreary derelict nature of the whole place. Cheap furnishings covered every surface and disdain was the only emotion I could muster for it's dilapidated state…Gosh, wouldn't my mother be proud?
Kate was nice enough, but she had a kind of ditzy, whorish quality about her that I wasn't immediately fussed upon. She looked a little like me, with blonde hair, blue eyes and a thin figure, plus she was young-almost too young- as though she was just a little girl playing grown-ups, finalized with an adult man and new daughter to complete her charade. I wondered if she really was his 'mistress' in the true sense of the word because she seemed too naïve and innocent to have had sex with anyone… but Judging from what I'd heard that first night, I was definitely wrong. That being said however, I probably wasn't the best expert since I was still a virgin myself and had only ever had one boyfriend, a sweet sporty guy named…well, Guy. I wasn't ready to commit that far into our supposed bond and he was caring enough not to push me. But, I wasn't sure how long our relationship would last now that I was in the 'bad' side of town…
You see, my family had always lived in sunny California…Sherman Oaks to be exact. We lived in a tree-lined street, at number 26 Lakeview crescent. I had always attended the 'right' school, had the 'right' friends and was essentially the 'right' type of teenager. Nicole was slightly more fashion conscious and flirtatious than me, with heaps of boyfriends to prove it, but as far as I knew, she'd still be donning a white dress on her wedding day, if you get my drift. For a while, before all the shit had started to happen at home, I loved being a stereotypical Californian girl, with all it's perks, but when Dad and Mom had started to fight everyday, the wonderful world of popularity just didn't numb the ache that I was feeling, and so I began to alter my personality slightly, becoming more moody and introverted…I knew Dad was going to Boston a lot on business trips, but that was all I thought of it…until he told us about the divorce and I decided to move with him to the other side of the country, knowing nothing about anything in my new town…smart huh?
So I sat staring out the small window in my room. Tomorrow I'd be going to Cratnk High, and I was already experiencing terrible fright. I mean I was just another California girl, golden-haired, sapphire eyed complete with childlike behaviour. I was terrified about the Bostonians who seemed rough and tough, and if they'd accept a princess like me…As it turns out I didn't have to wait too long to find out…
"Elizabeth?" Kate screeched from the kitchen, "Dinner's ready."
As if I couldn't tell that from the smell wafting from the room, I thought bitterly. Kate was a horrible chef, I had discovered…so she preferred to order in, then pretend she made it…and my Dad laps it up like she's the best thing since sliced bread- which, I might add, she can't 'make' either- as if he can't tell it's store-bought. I wondered what delicious dish she'd ordered, oh, sorry, I meant, made, tonight.
I scurried into the kitchen, dragging my feet noisily. She was already seated with Dad at the wobbling table in the centre of the room. Glancing at the food, I saw that she had made chicken, suspiciously like that of KFC…hmmm, I wonder…
"Hey, honey." Dad sang, as he placed a heaping serving on his plate. I smirked and sat down across from Kate.
"Hi; Daddy." I chirped sarcastically. Kate glowered at me. "How was your day?" I asked falsely as I scooped as little food on my plate as possible.
"Great." He responded. "I met Liam and the other workers and Kate's dad is awesome." I nodded, tuning out.
"So, Elizabeth, how was your day?" Kate asked insincerely. I shrugged; knowing it'd irritate her.
"Nice meal Kate." I diverted. She smiled.
"Did you make it?" I asked.
She nodded. "Really?" I asked. "I could've sworn I saw some Kentucky Fried containers in the bin…huh, I must've been mistaken." I sat back sneering.
"Kate?" Dad asked, questioningly. I rolled my eyes, unable to believe that he was that stupid.
She looked up, tears glimmering faintly in her eyes. "Robert, I'm sorry. I just wanted you to think I was a good mother-figure for Elizabeth…" She whispered eyes downcast.
"Oh, Katie, I didn't know you felt that way. I don't think you need to impress me with your culinary skills…You impress me anyway and I think you're a great role modal for Liz." He soothed. I winced and slammed my body upright, stalking away.
"Elizabeth?" A voice called, but I kept moving, away from their sickening display of affection. I slammed the bedroom door shut and threw myself down on the bed. Sleep came quickly, like a silent killer, and I dozed off.
The next day I woke up early; so early it was dark outside, and chose the perfect outfit; casual yet street-smart…dark indigo skinny jeans and a light red close-fitting t-shirt. Curling my hair took about 20 minutes seeing as its naturally straight, I put on some blush, eyeliner, and mascara. I sprayed some of my vanilla smelling perfume before walking out into the kitchen to make myself breakfast. Kate was already there, since it was now around eight in the morning, with Dad slumped in a chair, drinking his fifth cup of coffee while reading the paper. He glanced up as I entered, and smiled.
"Hi, Hon. You look good." He said. I nodded thanks, and then went over to the cupboard, pointedly ignoring Kate.
"Hi, Elizabeth" She sweetly greeted me, voice dripping with phoney sincerity.
"Hi, Kate…sleep well? Not too busy fucking my dad then?" I mimicked, seeing her face pale. I sniggered, then nudged her out of the way, reaching for the cereal.
"Elizabeth!" Dad rumbled, voice sounding shocked, "Apologise this instant!" He thundered.
"Sorry, Dad…" I started, "But I gotta get to school or I'll be late…Can't have that on my fist day, Can we?" I asked brusquely, skipping out the door.
Once outside, my eyes were assaulted by a sea of grey; grey buildings, grey street and grey sky. I wandered to the end of the road, searching for a Taxi. When one didn't appear, I took off in the direction I thought the school was in. As I jogged, I cursed my father for not showing me where it was…then cursed myself for not remembering to ask.
I arrived at Cratnk High, late on my first day…What a buzz. The school consisted of a large brick building, artfully decorated with graffiti, a basketball court with a wire fence on the outer edges, a few dead trees, and an elevated barrier enclosing the whole thing in like some kind of warped prison. Litter carpeted the yard and broken windows peered sightlessly out from the dull walls.
It was a far cry from the manicured, attractive places I'd attended in the past, but a superior attitude wasn't the way to go…in fact all it'd get me was bashed or killed, so I decided against it. Walking into the lobby, I saw these massive big security-gates, like they use in airports. Staring hard, I saw that the student Body was being screened for drugs or firearms. I shuddered with fear, and felt myself being jostled forward by the crowd. After making it through the gateway unscathed, I wandered forward, lost in a sea of people; all with purpose…unlike me who had no idea where to go.
I saw a tall lady heading the opposite direction, and so I flagged her down.
"Miss? Excuse me, Miss?" I panted, chasing her, hitting a few people with my bag.
"Yes?" She turned to face me.
"I'm new here and I was wondering if you could tell me where I'm meant to go" I explained.
"You're new here?" She asked. I nodded; sure I'd made it clear enough the first time.
She looked away to grab a cigarette that was dangling precariously from the mouth of a young African-American boy, who cursed loudly.
"Well, welcome to Cratnk High, or as it is popularly referred to, Crack High…I'm Ms. Lewis and I teach Music." I nodded, itching to be told directions to where I was meant to go. She noticed my anxiousness, and pointed down the hall in the direction I'd just come from; "Head down there, it's on the right." With that she walked away, chastising the boy.
"Shit!" I muttered, as I stalked unsurely down the hallway. People hurried past me, bumping my arms, until my books tumbled to the floor. They just stepped onto the pages as they rushed towards their classes. I finally scooped up all my sheets, before stumbling upon the Secretaries office.
She barely batted an eye at my haphazard appearance, just smacked her gum loudly and handled me a scruffy piece of paper. Glancing down at it, all I saw was a jumbled of letters and numbers. I stood, awaiting more instructions. She looked down at her work for about 5 minutes, before looking back up at me dubiously.
"Anything else?" I spat sarcastically. She shook her head no, and I stormed out of the room, irritation burning into me. I finally found the right room, and walked in.
Instantly fifty pairs of eyes blazed into mine, and I blushed crimson. I hated people staring at me, it made me nervous.
"Yea?" A voice rang out. I turned to see the teacher gazing at me from behind his desk.
"Hi!" I said, internally cringing at my chirpy voice. A few kids sniggered and I felt so babyish. "I'm Elizabeth Phoenix…I'm new." I finished lamely.
"Well, sit down." He motioned impatiently.
I threw myself down in a chair, melting with mortification. I pulled out a random book, only to find it torn and dirty, with a large footprint imprinted in the centre of the cover. It was actually a cool design, all angles and sharpness, but it still came from the bottom of a shoe and I felt absolutely humiliated.
"Class, Today we will be studying the novel, 'Swallow the Air'". A large groan resonated throughout the room, and I winced secretly. I'd already read it and thought it was fantastic. "Now what did you all think?" He asked.
"Shit" said one person.
"Confusing…"
"Boring…"
"Excellent." I spoke up, sounding too scholastic compared to my new classmates. They all turned to stare at me. Even the teacher looked intrigued.
"Go on." He prompted.
"Well, we read it on the west Coast about 5 months ago." I explained earnestly. "And I thought it was great. The way May was looking for her dad and searching for a place she belonged was really deep."
"I agree," said one scruffy-haired boy. I looked confused until he smirks and says, "The chick gets raped…It was alright." He sniggered.
"Yeah. Cause that the only way ya'll get a girl to sleep with ya." Someone else hollered, and everyone laughed. Personally, I don't find rape funny; it's disgusting, hurtful and malicious and I couldn't understand why they were all in hysterics over such a statement.
"All right settle down!" the man shouted, waving his hands to retain some order. "Thank you very much for such an insightful interpretation, Miss. Phoenix." He said. I almost responded with a 'you're welcome' before realising that he was being sarcastic.
"I'm sorry sir, but what did I do wrong?" I asked timidly.
"Oh, you just ruined that story for about half the kids in here" He stated. I was confused, I mean the guy was the one who gave something crucial away, not me? But I held my tongue and grovelled.
"I'm sorry, sir. I didn't realise. It's just that in California we read it months ago." I apologised.
"So you said" he dismissed, as everyone turned to eyeball me. I realised that perhaps rubbing it in that we'd already done it in California wasn't the smartest thing to do, so I kept my mouth shut.
So eventually, I made it through another three periods and recess, without annoying anyone else. Then it was lunch and I hurried out into the cafeteria.
"Here." The lunch lady drawled, unceremoniously dumping unidentifiable goo onto my tray. Wrinkling my nose in disgust, I paid for my meal and turned to scope out a possible lunch spot. I saw an empty one in the corner and rushed there, not wanting to sit with any strangers. I threw my stuff down and sat, picking half-heartedly at my food…if you could call it that.
"Hey!" A voice rang out.
I glanced up quickly to see a girl striding towards me. I recognised her from my first class and hope filled me. She was coming to sit with me…she was going to be my friend. I opened my mouth to greet her.
"You sitting in my spot" she announced flatly.
"Oh, sorry…I didn't know" I stammered.
"Well, now ya do." She stood, arms crossed expectantly. I bowed my head and scooped up my things, tripping slightly as my foot caught the table leg.
"Sorry." I stuttered as I limped away. I heard her laugh as I left and humiliation welled up inside me…I can't believe I thought she'd be my friend, what a loser I must be. I made it through the rest of the day not talking to anyone and raced home in the afternoon.
Once I arrived there (I didn't get lost this time!) and darted inside, I saw Kate and Dad making out on the lounge.
"Fuck, Can't you two get a fucking room?" I screamed, not caring as they stared at me, disbelief plain on their faces.
"Honey? Did something happen today?" Dad asked, concerned.
I bit back a semi-hysterical peal of laughter, before answering.
"Something? Did something happen? Try everything Dad." I screeched. "I'm a fucking social retard, my teachers think I'm a kiss-ass and I have no fucking friends whatsoever." I realised I was crying, but I didn't seem to be able to stop.
"Oh, sweetie." Dad stood to hug me, but I dragged myself back, away from him.
"Fuck you Dad." I spat." It's your fucking fault I'm even here in the fucking first place…You and that slut!" I pointed at Kate, whose mouth dropped open.
"Elizabeth!" Dad roared. I flipped him the bird and took off running towards my room. Slamming the door shut, I felt the handle being rattled and heard my father cursing as he tried to open it.
"Elizabeth Ann Phoenix, Open the door NOW!" he screamed.
"Fuck you." I raged. I raced over to the vanity table, and pulled out my razor. I dragged it down my skin again and felt a feeling of relief ooze from me, in the form of crimson blood. "Get lost, Dad. I don't want to talk to you…"
Eventually, he got tired of pounding on the door and left me to my own devices. I sat on my bed curled up, gently stroking the razor back and forth across my skin; sometimes drawing blood; other times not. Throwing myself upright, I lurched over to my Cd player and put on "Bad Habit" by Dresden Dolls and let the words wash into my soul.
"biting keeps your words at bay
tending to the sores that stay
happiness is just a gash away
when i open a familiar scar
pain goes shooting like a star
comfort hasn't failed to follow so far..."
As I felt my anger drain from within; my phone rang, and I jumped, causing the blade to go deeper the intended. I hissed, hand clamped over the bleeding wound, and rushed to pick it up.
"Hello?" I rasped.
"Hi! It's Nikki." I rolled my eyes and moaned inwardly. Fuck, I didn't want to deal with her now.
"Hey." I muttered, letting no emotion into my voice. Maybe she'd get the message and bail.
No such luck. "So how's school?" She chirped.
"Alright" I lied.
"So, anyway, I had a good day too…except that Liana totally wore the same earrings as me…Can you imagine? So I said to her 'take them off 'because I bought mine on the 4t of July gala, and she said she bought hers in April. As if?" I tuned her out and focused on the blood dripping down my wrists.
"And I was like. Whatever…how good was I, Sis?" Nicole questioned. I jumped, realising she wanted an answer.
"Uh, yeah, great I guess." I stammered, not sure what I was agreeing to. She finally noticed I wasn't entirely overjoyed about what she was telling me, and asked me what was wrong.
"It's just this place. I have to put up with dad acting like he's a teenager so something;' Kate makes me mad; at school, no one talks to me and I think everything is terrible" I confessed.
"Uh-Huh." She muttered. What the fuck? She wasn't even listening…what a bitch…oh; oops I did the same thing to her? Well…it seemed less annoying when I did it!
"Hey, look let me talk to Dad, yeah?" She asked. I mean…Come on, hadn't she been paying attention to anything I'd been saying? Grumbling to myself, I pulled open my door and stuck my head out.
"Dad!" I shrieked.
"Oh, so you've decided to talk to me civilised?" He spat, as he walked towards me.
I scowled, before holding out the phone. "It's Nic. She wants to talk to you." Once he took it, I banged the door shut. I turned the volume up to an ear-piercing degree on the stereo; enjoying it until Kate came knocking on the door.
"Turn it down!" she screeched. I rolled my eyes but still complied.
"Jeez, Kate, chill" I sang, as I opened the door. She glowered at me before her stare travelled downwards towards my wrist. I saw her gaze widen almost imperceptivity, before giving a fleeting look; up at me. I stared defiantly back at her; head tilted up slightly. She sniffed snootily and I slammed the door shut in her face.
My shoulders were trembling and I peeked down at my arm to see what she had seen. "Fuck!" I spat, noticing that the blood from the cuts on my wrist had seeped through onto my white long-sleeved shirt…She must've seen it, yet said nothing.
"Shit." I whispered. I was more scared now then I had been before. I walked shakily over to the bathroom adjoining my room. I wet a washcloth and dapped at the oozing cuts, red and angry on my skin. I hissed as it stung, but ground my teeth and continued. What if she told Dad? What if he rang Mom and I had to go to counselling? There were numerous slashes on the skin; and they were bleeding profusely since I'd reopened some of the old, scabby sores not yet healed. I wasn't even too sure why I was doing it since nothing major had occurred, but it just seemed like the right way for me to release all my hatred and anger.
"Elizabeth?" Dad called knocking on my door. I swallowed hard, feeling the panic rise up in my throat. I quickly hid the bloodied washcloth and threw off my sweatshirt and pulled a clean one on. Heart pounding in my chest, I pulled open the door and hung my head; waiting for the inevitable.
"Honey." He started, voice filled with concern. I suddenly thought that grovelling to him might be a way to escape psychiatric examination; maybe turn on the waterworks…who knew?
"Daddy, I'm sorry" I whimpered; tears gleaming in my eyes. Immediately his face softened and he drew me into a hug. I melted against him, and sobbed heartbrokenly.
"Oh, baby girl. You have no idea how much it means to me to have you say that." He sighed. I sniffled loudly; sensing that I had won. "I know that coming here was a tough move on you, but" I smirked sadly, but my mouth dropped open in shock at his next words. "I think that you've been treating Kate a little too harshly and I want you to apologise."
"What?" I screeched. He shook his head and repeated his request.
"Whatever." I sulked. His face immediately lit up into a smile, and he kissed the top of my head. As he left; I screamed silently. I hated her, oh God; how I hated her…she wrecked everything!
I wandered out after him; only to find the pair whispering in the living room. They shut up the minute I entered and unease filled my body. Had she told him?
"Kate has had an idea Elizabeth." He stated, wrapping an arm proudly around her waist. Wow, I thought she actually does have a brain…then why does she keep messing with me?
"Hmmm?" I grunted.
"She's invited Nicole and Guy to spend the weekend. How about that? It'll cheer you up." He grinned, obviously expecting me to explode with eagerness.
"Great." I nodded and he grinned. Then I spun around and wandered into the dark recesses of my room. Curling up on my bed; I pressed play on the stereo and fell asleep, with the words speaking directly to my soul…
"& pens and penknives take the blame
crane my neck & scratch my name
but the ugly marks
are worth the momentary gain...
when i jab a sharpened object in
choirs of angels seem to sing
hymns of hate in memorandum…"