The days that follow are a confusing blur of movement, of Asuka walking the roads of Tokyo-3, searching for a place only she knows; of finding a place between two crumbled buildings that finally matches her criteria, which even she is unsure of, but this place will do just fine; of telling Rei to make herself useful and help Asuka in lugging not one, but two intact beds from the ruins of the city into their new shelter.
"I don't need a bed," Rei told Asuka. "I can sleep just fine on the floor."
"You're being stupid," is all that Asuka said, and walked off to find another long wooden plank she could lay over the gap between the buildings, like she had done with so many other planks, to form a makeshift roof.
Two weeks after they've settled down Asuka comes into the shelter dragging a large sheet of plywood behind her. Rei watches her haul it through the mess of oversized clothes littering the ground, between their beds set up flush against both walls, narrowly tipping over the pyramid of untouched coffee cans that Rei's collected on her side of the 'room'. Asuka shoves it into a standing position at one end of their shelter, pushing it until the plank rises above her head and Rei can no longer see her. It thumps against the wood slats above and sends dirt falling through the spaces where sunlight normally pokes through.
"There. Much better," Asuka says, walking back over to her bed and throwing herself down on it. Rei nods without looking up from her book, the only one she'd managed to find despite days of scavenging. She's read it through an absurd amount of times already, but that doesn't stop her from reading it again, peering at Asuka around the edge of the book. She wonders what Asuka thinks of when she lays on her bed amidst the tangle of sheets and dusty pillows, staring at the light breaking through the ceiling. Maybe she's reliving the attack of the Fifteenth Angel in her mind, but Rei hopes she's not. She wants to believe Asuka is stronger than that.
Asuka grunts and sits up, something silver clicking in her hands. Of course- it wouldn't be a proper excursion if she didn't bring something back to play with. The ground under Asuka's bed is littered with discarded trinkets: lighters and ink pens that don't write and a small quantity of coins, still lying where their stacks were knocked over. But this time, Asuka holds an old box cutter in her hand, extending and retracting the blade and watching the reflected light play across the walls. A layer of dried blood and rust cakes the hilt, accumulating on Asuka's palm the longer she plays with it.
The light flashes in Rei's eyes- probably unintentional, unless Asuka knows she's been looking all along. Rei snaps her book shut and sets it to the side with an audible thump that draws Asuka's gaze to her. "What's that for?" she asks.
Asuka shrugs, tossing the box cutter in the air and catching it between her hands. "Dunno. It could be useful."
"There's nothing here that can hurt you. No one else has come out from the sea."
"I want to carry it." Asuka flicks the blade down into the hilt and tosses it one more time before shoving it under her pillow. "What's this all of a sudden? You don't hear me bothering you about all the shit you bring back." She jabs a thumb at the coffee cans sitting near Rei. "You don't even drink any of them. What's going on with that?"
"You need them."
"No I don't. I don't ever get thirsty. Or hungry, either." She pauses halfway through a yawn to think about what she's just said, curling her lip at the notion. She hasn't eaten for months; Asuka's never even thought about it in depth until now, and it disturbs her. "Probably a Third Impact thing," she says, waving her hand and falling back onto her bed. She sees the frown as it crosses Rei's face, and the slight opening of her mouth to say something before shaking her head and picking up her book again.
The silence normally wouldn't bother Asuka, but it irritates her now like an itch under her skin. "Hey." She's louder than she needs to be, but it gets Rei's attention all the same- she doesn't look up from her book, but her head twitches in Asuka's direction. Now Asuka just has to make her speak. "...Where is he?"
Rei insists on finishing the page she's reading before she answers. The springs on Asuka's bed creak as she pushes her fists into them, waiting for Rei. "Ikari?" she says at last.
"Who else is there?!"
"Do you care for him now?" Asuka doesn't remember Rei turning her head, but now she stares into Rei's eyes, which bore into her with such an intensity that she has to look away.
"I don't give a damn about him," she says. "But I don't want to run into him, either. That'd be fucking awkward."
"Don't worry. He's far from where we are."
"Has he left the beach?"
Rei shakes her head, a heaviness in that gesture that makes it look like it's Rei who regrets this choice that Shinji's made. "He's still there," she says.
"With his Angel?"
"Yes."
Asuka laughs, a dry and humorless cackle that sounds less mocking and more like an automatic reaction. Rei gives her an odd look before continuing softly, like what she says is for her own sake and she's not sure if she wants Asuka overhearing. "He lived alone before you returned."
"Why should I care?" Asuka pounds a fist into the mattress and glares at Rei. "So what if he's lonely; we've all been lonely! Is that supposed to make me feel sorry for him?!"
Rei looks away; Asuka expects to see her fists clench with anger or some display of emotion before remembering that this is Rei she's speaking with. She looks extremely interested in one of the orange sunbeams shining through the cracks in the wooden slats above, which means she's thinking. If she's focused like this, she must be. Asuka thinks of grabbing her pillow and shoving it over her head, covering her ears so she won't have to hear what conclusion Rei's come to, but she doesn't. She'll put up with Rei, if only to show that she's better than Shinji.
"If you were lonely," Rei begins, pausing to carefully phrase her next words. "If you are lonely, and you don't care, does that mean you don't care about yourself either?"
Asuka's put a dent in her pillow with her fist before she realizes it. A shadow passes over her face, too difficult for Rei to read beyond traces of disappointment and rage. A low gasp leaves her, building into a throaty laugh that sounds too forced to be real, even to Rei. "You know what?" she says, talking past the rasping of her breath. "I don't care. Look at me. It's been how many months since Third Impact, and I'm still here in the same stupid city, living in this stupid little shack, and I'm not trying to make anything better. So guess what, Wonder Girl? You're right."
Asuka launches her pillow across the room to punctuate the statement. It smacks against the wall and drops to the floor, though what little satisfaction Asuka takes from that act vanishes when Rei stands with a sigh and goes over to it. "Don't do that. It'll get dirty."
"I don't care," Asuka mutters again, kicking spitefully at it after Rei tosses it back onto her bed.
Instead of going back to her side of the room, Rei stands in Asuka's half. She has a question; Asuka can tell. She looks like she might try to sit next to Asuka to ask it. Asuka kicks her legs out across the bed, taking up as much space as possible, still getting no reaction from Rei aside from a soft, "What are you going to do, then?"
"Stupid question, Wonder Girl," Asuka groans. "I don't know. I don't want to die, and that's it. Look around. There's nothing to do."
"You could grow food."
"In this place? Yeah, right. I'm not leaving, either. I like this too much." She gestures upward at the disorganized jumble of planks they call a roof.
"I thought you said it was stupid." Rei's never laughed, not that Asuka's ever heard, but she sounds like she could be laughing now. "You're fine with things the way they are, then?"
"I guess. No Shinji, no more Angels, no Misato…"
"But you're fine with me being here?"
Even though Rei's right next to her, the words sound distant. The stillness of the city becomes very apparent when there's no one talking, when Rei's breaths are too soft to hear and Asuka is holding hers. She didn't mean to admit what she just did, and even then she has no idea how Rei is taking it. "You're less annoying than all of them," she mumbles.
"I see." She looks like she might say more, but Asuka forestalls her by pointing out through the front of the shelter.
"Sun's setting, Wonder Girl. Shut up and enjoy it."
Rei's head turns toward the sun beginning to disappear behind the mountains surrounding Tokyo-3. It paints the sky pink and orange and red, until the last bit of the glowing orange disc sinks out of sight and the only light left to them is that which peeks over the mountaintops. Then Rei turns without a sound and climbs onto her bed, adjusting the sheets over her, obviously intending to sleep. Asuka copies her, turning her pillow over to get the cold side lying against her cheek, and just before she nods off it occurs to her that this is the first night that Rei's spoken with her, rather than read that book until sundown.
Asuka wipes her nose and scowls at the concrete slab that stands just as tall as she does, blocking her entrance into the bathroom of the apartment complex she's exploring. "Damn thing won't budge," she grunts, shoving against it with her back.
"What are you looking for?"
Asuka jumps, the top of her head scraping the cracks in the partly-collapsed ceiling. "Damn it, Wonder Girl. Don't sneak up on me like that." She pushes at the slab again, pounding at it with her palms. "If you must know everything, I want hair ties."
"Hair ties."
Asuka rolls her eyes; of course Rei wouldn't know what those were, with her immense lack of concern towards everything that didn't affect her. "Those little rubber bands people tie their hair up with?"
"Ah." Rei walks past Asuka to the foot of the slab, standing on tiptoes to try and see over it. "And they are in there?"
"I don't know, that's why I was trying to get in!" Asuka storms off down the hall, kicking at an open door in her way and knocking a large chunk of it off. "Stupid." She knows Rei must be watching her, must have heard her even over the tumbling of the wood piece she broke off, and doesn't know why it bothers her that Rei might think she's the one Asuka's calling stupid.
She wanders down between the apartments, finding dusty counters and overturned furniture, broken bits of glass that threaten to poke through the soles of her sneakers, picture frames that Asuka makes sure to turn face down whenever she sees them. She's picked through what must've been a bedroom, coming away empty-handed, and when she turns to go Rei is in the doorway and Asuka's not sure how long she's been there.
"You're too goddamn quiet, you know that?!" she says, venting her surprise in a sudden outburst. "Sneaking up on people is creepy."
Rei nods, and that seems to be it, but when she steps aside to let Asuka go by her she says, "Something's bothering you."
"It's this." Asuka gestures down the hall and starts down it again. "You can't keep going through these buildings without thinking about the people who've lived here before."
The sounds of feet stop behind her, and Asuka doesn't need to look back to know Rei is doing that thing with her head, where she tilts it just slightly before she says something particularly interesting. "That isn't it."
"Oh what, now you're me? You're in my head now?"
"It's not that," she says, catching up to Asuka. "It's obvious. You never open up to anyone." Asuka shoves a door aside with more force than necessary, jamming splinters into the drywall. This is lost on Rei, who keeps talking as if nothing has happened. "NERV and Section 2 are gone. You don't have to hide things any more." There are very few things that remain hidden to Rei after Third Impact, but Asuka doesn't need to know that. "And I won't judge you," she adds quietly. "No one else will, either."
Asuka's hand swipes out toward the nearest object, knocking a glass vase from a table and into the wall. She doesn't flinch, nor does Rei, who doesn't do more than blink when Asuka slams her fist into the table. The muscles in Asuka's shoulders tense, like she plans to rip the table from the ground and hurl it at Rei. She takes a step back and kicks it instead, and it skids across the room, scraping a line of paint from the wall.
"Here's the thing about wandering around by yourself," she says. "You have too much time to think, and I've done plenty of that. I know what you are; you're an Angel and you're a clone, but do you know what I was? I was a genius. A warrior, an EVA pilot, the best in the world, but you know what I've never been? I've never been a child." She turns, kicking at the pieces of the vase strewn around the room, watches one tumble across the floor and stop in front of Rei. "That's what's been bothering me."
Asuka's frozen, waiting for Rei to reply. If she doesn't say anything, Rei wonders, would Asuka stand there forever? It doesn't seem like her, but then again Asuka has just told Rei something important, something Rei can use against her, so of course she'd want to know what Rei thinks. She looks at Asuka, weighing her words carefully. "I don't know what it's like either," she says.
"'Course not," Asuka says. "You're a clone." There's something different in the way she says it, something in her voice that normally isn't there. She might even hear it herself, since she turns away from Rei and stares out the shattered glass window. "Never mind what I said. It's stupid anyway."
"Why do you keep saying that?"
There are a million reasons Asuka can give, and all of them would be true. That everything really is stupid, especially after Third Impact, or that being a child was hardly a priority when there were Angels coming to destroy the earth. But she turns back to Rei, a wistful smile on her lips. "It's easier to say things are stupid," she mutters, the words sour in her mouth, "than to think about them; than to think about what you've missed."
A few days later, Asuka climbs into bed and notices Rei isn't in hers. The sun has fled and crammed the sky with stars, drawing Rei out from under the safe canopy of their shelter to stare up into nothing. It's Rei being Rei, but the longer she stands looking up the more Asuka wonders what's occupying her for so long. It can't be what she thinks it is; the Mass Production EVAs are all lying petrified throughout the city, but what if one had come back? If one really has come back it'll be the tallest thing in the city, and when it comes for her a box cutter won't be any use against something even Third Impact couldn't kill. Her hands shake; she didn't realize when her nails started biting into her palms, and her attempt to calm herself only digs them in further.
"Asuka?" Rei looks so small standing atop a concrete pile that's twice as tall as she is, with the backdrop of the mountains behind her. Asuka comes out to the front of the shelter, looking where Rei is looking and seeing nothing. There is no MPE, just open sky. Behind her, Rei speaks again. "The stars are falling, Asuka."
"Don't be stupid," she says, even though she's the one that was worrying. "It's just a meteor shower, I bet."
She thinks Rei frowns, though it's too dark to see her face; Rei's shoulders droop, but she makes some gesture that Asuka takes to mean she should join Rei up on the pile. "It's pretty," she says. "Come look."
"I can see fine just here," grumbles Asuka. Hell, if she made a hole in the roof of the shelter she could probably see it from inside, too. But saying that means that some part of her does want to see the meteors blazing through the atmosphere, and that's not something she wants to do either. What she wants is to go to sleep, but for some reason knowing that Rei is outside on a rusted pile of debris keeps her from finding that comfortable position in which sleep will come to her.
Rei is lying on the pile with her hands folded behind her head, supporting her neck. Asuka climbs up and sits next to her, expecting Rei to say something, but all she gets is what could be a contented hum. It reminds Asuka of the time after they defeated the Ninth Angel, only Shinji isn't here and the city they had been tasked with protecting lies in ruins. She wonders what Rei thinks now, watching meteors streak across the sky with innocent curiosity despite the remains of Instrumentality surrounding her. She is right, though Asuka will never admit it to Rei and can barely admit it to herself; there's something calming about meteors tracking bright lines in the sky, burning their paths into her eyes before disappearing. It wouldn't hurt her to lay back against the concrete and watch them go by for a while, and when she does she can see them zipping in every direction and wonders if that was how it looked after Third Impact, with a million souls falling out of the sky to land in the sea.
Asuka is so quiet that Rei forgets she has a companion lying next to her until she shifts her hand and it bumps into Asuka's. Asuka doesn't snap at her or even look at her- she's fallen asleep, her eyes shut but gently stirring under her eyelids, as if even in her sleep she wants to keep watching the stars. But she trembles as she breathes; Rei notices she's left her jacket back in the shelter, and their breath has begun to form little white clouds in front of them.
Getting Asuka onto the flat plane of her A.T. Field won't be much of a challenge- Rei just needs to project it under Asuka rather than in front of herself, but she must do this without crushing the pile they're standing on or waking Asuka up. She's also never used her A.T. Field before, and the very thought of it warms her skin with nervous anticipation. There are some things, she thinks, that can't be practiced, that just have to be done. Asuka might agree with that.
The street lights up five different shades of color, red at its darkest and gold at the lightest, accompanied by a low buzzing sound. Asuka sighs and rolls over in her sleep, curling up slightly on the A.T. Field. There's a pause in her breath; Rei wonders if she's waking, but Asuka sighs again, this time sounding faintly disappointed. What she won't know is the reason for that pause, for that sigh; in the morning Asuka won't remember that in her sleep her body had betrayed her, forgoing air to listen for what she thought was Rei humming again.
Rei carries Asuka the short distance down the street and into the shelter, where her A.T. Field promptly fractures and crumbles into several separate pieces, depositing Asuka on her bed. She fights back the sudden wave of exhaustion that overtakes her long enough to pull the covers over Asuka's shoulders. Then she staggers back, collapsing onto her own bed, burying her face into the softness of her pillow. She doesn't speak; there's no need to and she's far too tired, but she can hear Asuka's voice clearly in her mind, an echo of what Asuka would say had their places been reversed. "The shit I do for you," it says.
Rei smiles and closes her eyes.
They're walking down some street- the sign's been torn off and lost, so Asuka knows it as two blocks down, left turn- when she stops. Rei keeps going for several more paces, looking back once she realizes Asuka's left her side. Asuka is looking back as well, watching something- Rei can't tell what. She expects she'll have to ask Asuka what it is, to give her attention in order to get a reply.
"There's a breeze," Asuka says, and kicks at the empty candy wrapper tumbling past her feet. "First damn wind we've had since Third Impact."
"Then the world is returning back to normal." Rei looks up at the sky, still cloudless, and frowns. One bit at a time, she thinks. First the breezes will return, and then perhaps the people. The world will pull itself together piece by piece, just like Asuka is.
"Finally." Asuka walks by, feet scuffing the pavement. Rei has to jog to catch up to her and even then she keeps falling behind, as Asuka's strides are too long and fast to match.
"Does it bother you?" Rei asks.
Asuka pauses in the middle of an intersection, spinning left and right before heading back in the direction of the shelter. "It's just stupid."
"Is that your reasoning for everything?" Rei considers throwing her A.T. Field to block the end of the street and make her stop and talk, but knowing Asuka she'd tear right through it even without Unit-02 to help her. "Is everything stupid to you?"
"Yes."
Asuka hasn't broken into a run yet, but Rei can see that she wants to in the way she leans forward, keeping her arms close to her sides. Rei walks faster, for what little good it does her. "Why don't you ever open up?"
Asuka spins around so quickly that Rei nearly runs into her. They're nearly the same height; they can meet each other's eyes with little effort, but it feels like Asuka towers over her in that moment. "Look Wonder Girl," she hisses. "I never had anyone to open up to. I never wanted to. And don't you get started on that now. If you wanna play counselor for someone, go find Shinji. You said he's wandering around somewhere, didn't you? I'm sure whoever's with him will appreciate having someone else he can bother."
She turns on her heel and walks off, shoulders squared. From behind she looks like the old Asuka- poised, confident, without the seemingly permanent shadows that linger beneath her eyes and the haggard look of someone who's survived far too much. She looks like the Asuka who could've conquered the world, rather than let it conquer her.
Rei doesn't say anything. Even if she did, Asuka's well out of earshot. She sighs and shakes her head, following Asuka back to the shelter, though not without a quick look in the direction of the sea.
Lilith has disappeared beneath the waves at last. What remains of her is sinking to rest at the bottom of the ocean; above where she floated there now gathers a cluster of black clouds, lingering on the horizon, a temporary headstone marking the place of Lilith's grave.
The clouds that Rei saw roll in that night, blanketing the city from the sea to the mountains. They are, Rei thinks, ambiguously grey- it could rain, or it could not. If it does rain, it will come through the front of the shelter and soak everything through. Moving out for the night might be a good idea, and so Rei turns to suggest this to Asuka.
Rei speaks, but her words never reach Asuka. Asuka is standing in the entryway looking up at the clouds, the rest of the world a silent portrait that means nothing to her at the moment. She sees clouds; the last time she saw clouds it rained blood, but the red streak that Lilith left in the sky is gone, so it couldn't possibly rain blood, right? But what if the blood on the ground evaporated, she thinks, and it happens again?
Her heart pounds in her ears; her breaths come in short ragged gasps that don't allow her enough air into her lungs. Rei is next to her, pulling at her arm and saying something, but none of this registers. If it rains blood the Mass Production EVAs will come back, and if that happens they will come for her. Even with Shinji and Rei in the world they will come for her, like they did the first time. Her mouth is moving and words are leaving her in a jumbled, unending stream. She hears them; they mean nothing. Rei hears them too and she frowns, tugging harder at Asuka. Maybe she knows something that Asuka doesn't. Maybe she knows they're coming, and wants to hide.
"Where are they?" Asuka babbles, unable to look away from the entrance to the shelter. "They're dead. They're dead, right? Are they coming? Where are they?"
"It's alright, Asuka." It's taken her several minutes just to pull Asuka back into the shelter and settle her down, and now Asuka keeps trying to leave her bed, to wander back under the clouds and stand there, shaking. Her voice cuts smoothly through the stream of Asuka's rambling, but even then she isn't sure if Asuka can hear her. Probably not; if her senses are so confused that she can't smell the absence of iron in the air, then Asuka probably can't make sense of what Rei is saying, either. Rei wonders if Asuka even knows that she's talking, herself.
"They're dead," whispers Asuka. "They can't come back if they're dead. But I did. Can they? Are they dead?"
"They're dead," says Rei. "But if they come back, I'll stop them."
Something in that sentence must've reached Asuka; she looks up, eyes skittering frantically across Rei's face. "They were built to kill Angels," Asuka says, grabbing at Rei's shoulder. "Don't."
Rei doesn't know how the MPEs kill- with their teeth, and only their teeth. The Angel that killed Rei Ayanami was merciful, in that it at least let her self destruct. Asuka clings to Rei's arm, shaking her head. Rei says the MPEs are dead, but what if they aren't? If they come for her, they'll come for Rei, unless Asuka can draw them far enough away that they won't be a threat to her. "I need to go."
"You don't," Rei says. Asuka's still sitting, so maybe she's listening; more likely fear has frozen her and she's forgotten how to make herself stand. "Nothing is going to happen."
"Don't." Asuka repeats. Her voice breaks over the word. She doesn't want to see them descend on Rei and carry her off in pieces. "They'll kill you."
"They won't." Rei sounds confident, like the time before when she had led them through NERV's tunnels. Asuka wants to believe her, to believe everything will be alright. But she can't, no matter what, so she stays silent. Rei's fingers wrap gently around her wrist, loosening Asuka's grip on her arm so she can lay her down on the bed. She doesn't say anything, not until Rei has crossed the room again to look up at the dark canopy of clouds.
"The roof leaks," Asuka mumbles unconsciously. Outside the wind stirs the clouds into a billowing mound, and in the distance there is a ripple of sound that could be anything- the city, thunder, or an MPE.
"If it rains, I'll use my A.T. Field and keep it out."
"That's stupid." Asuka turns slightly, feeling the soft padding of her pillow beneath her cheek. She tugs it in closer to her, feeling her breath rebound off it, making her unbearably warm. Her arms tighten and pull it to her chest, where it can conceal the frantic beating of her heart. The MPEs won't take it, she thinks, if they can't find it. "You're stupid."
She means herself, but Rei turns her head, surveying Asuka with calm eyes. Surely Asuka will hear whatever she says if she says anything in reply, but it doesn't seem to matter at the moment. "Maybe I am," Rei says, and looks back up at the sky, where what could be a collection of thunderheads has settled over the peaks of the surrounding mountains like a crown.
The street is dry and covered with litter that the previous night's wind has swept up. Some clouds linger overhead, the same silvery-grey as the metal of a progressive knife. Asuka stands on the edge of the sidewalk between a shop and another apartment building, watching them pass overhead.
No Mass Production EVAs had come last night, nor had it rained. She'd worried for nothing, Asuka thinks, and she's never done that before. Her fears have always been what's in front of her, not dogging her like a shadow. And now she's acting even stranger, acting like Rei, being distracted by the simplest of things like clouds moving across the sun. Maybe that's why Rei does this so often; if it can stem her flow of worries for even a short time, then Asuka can see the appeal.
"Asuka?" Rei waves at her from across the street, carefully climbing out from the ruins of a collapsed building. "Did you find anything?"
"Nothing," Asuka replies. "Just junk." Rei nods and stops halfway in the middle of the street, balancing a coffee can on the tips of her fingers. "Another one?"
"I only need one more after this one, and then I'll have another level." She's talking about that pyramid of hers, made entirely of coffee cans; it grows when Asuka's not looking, standing six levels high now. Soon it'll be seven.
"Should we head back?"
"If you want."
Rei's more occupied with the can than anything else. The little things, Asuka thinks. "Fine then," she says. "Let's go."
They're halfway back when Rei pauses, turning the can over in her hands. "Do you remember the time after we defeated the Tenth Angel?"
"Which one was that?" Asuka asks. They've blurred together in her mind, a tangle of the senses; the Tenth could be the one where she nearly burned alive in magma, or maybe the one which dripped acid. The only one whose number she knows for certain is the Fifteenth, since that one hadn't hurt her body- only her mind.
"The one that tried to crush us all," says Rei. "Sahaquiel."
"Oh." Yes, she does remember that one. It was a stupid plan. "What about it?"
"Misato said she'd buy us dinner if we killed it. You suggested ramen, since I don't eat meat."
"Yeah, so?"
Rei shrugs, looking down at the can cradled between her palms. "I just remembered, that's all," she says. "Thank you."
Asuka rolls her eyes, kicking at a pebble in her path. What a silly thing to remember, she thinks. But it's Rei, from whom this kind of behavior can be expected. "You're welcome, I guess," she mutters, and the corners of Rei's mouth turn up in a smile. It's the kind that lights up her eyes like the sun, even though the clouds have covered it.
Asuka has lost herself, or at least she wants to believe she has, among the grey heaps of destroyed buildings and twisted metal. She wanders, surveying the earth but taking nothing back with her. Rei's still dutifully maintaining her collection of coffee cans, an explanation for which has not yet been given, and that Asuka thinks she'll never receive.
The top of Rei's head is visible a few yards away, the unmistakable blue of her hair standing out between broken steel struts and toppled shelves. They're in the ruins of a convenience store; Rei patiently works her way through every inch of the place while Asuka sits on a portion of a staircase that's tumbled down and now stands lopsidedly in one of the aisles. Asuka dangles her feet over the edge, eyeing the ten foot drop before her. She could make it down, she thinks, if it weren't for the jagged bits of stone sticking out every few inches.
Rei is standing now, examining what looks like a small box that she holds in her hands. Asuka can't tell what it is at a distance; maybe it's powdered coffee or something equally odd. With Rei, she can never tell.
Asuka shrugs and goes back to banging her legs against the edge of the stairwell. It's been hot ever since the clouds moved on; she's traded her jacket and jeans for a t-shirt and cutoff shorts, and the concrete scrapes the backs of her calves. A small collection of bruises and scratches have collected on her arms, the results of careless rummaging through debris and one too many falls. It makes her look tough, Asuka thinks, more like what a battle-worn pilot should look like, only no one is around to see her now except Rei.
Rei appears soundlessly at Asuka's side, still holding the box from before. Asuka pats the space next to her without looking, inviting her to sit. Rei sinks down, not sitting but kneeling, dipping her fingers into the box. Her slender fingers have wrapped around Asuka's arm before Asuka realizes Rei is touching her.
"The hell, Ayanami?!" Asuka jerks back, arms pinwheeling through the air as she struggles to regain her balance. She sees the Band-aid pinched between Rei's fingers fall and flutter down the steps. Rei reaches for her, grabbing a fistful of her shirt and pulling her back.
They collapse on the top stair, pausing for a moment to catch their breath. It's Rei who moves first, retreating down a step and taking Asuka away from the edge with her. "The hell," Asuka repeats, watching Rei pull another Band-aid apart. Their eyes meet; Rei looks down at the scratches on Asuka's arm, some of which are still open.
"I don't need that." Her voice sounds level even though her heart, the traitor that it is, is beating faster than she cares to admit. "Third Impact wiped out all life, didn't it? Doesn't that include bacteria or some shit? Why are you trying to put those on me, anyway?" Asuka snaps. She flings out an arm, not to slap Rei but to point at the little red lines criss-crossing on her skin, especially her hands. "You look even worse than I do!"
"I'm an Angel." There's something odd to her voice, a strain that Asuka's never heard before, but it's gone when she adds, quietly, "I heal quickly."
"That's no excuse to baby me." Asuka thinks Rei might have recoiled at the sudden booming of her voice; the thought gives her strength. She stands and points an accusing finger at the box of Band-aids. "You think those are going to do anything?! Look around, Wonder Girl. If you could fix the world with those we would have done it already. If I wanted your help, I would have asked for it!"
Her words ring over the city long after she's stopped speaking. Rei stares up at Asuka, and for once Asuka can easily read the emotion on her face. The hurt she sees stings more than any injury she's gotten since she washed up on the beach. Before she can say anything else or even begin to wonder why this is so, Rei hops off the staircase; Asuka hears her land, and her mind offers her the image of Rei crumpled on a heap of rebar and concrete, eyes wide with pain and the breath knocked from her. Her arms splayed wide on either side of her body, one or both at odd angles, like a marionette with cut strings; just another bit of debris strewn around a city covered in it. Then orange light shines from below, and Rei jumps off from the A.T. Field that had spread under her. She doesn't run, but walks as quickly as her feet can carry her; by the time Asuka's descended the stairs she's already halfway down the street.
"Ayanami!" Asuka stumbles after her, wondering if Rei can even hear her. She's done it this time, she thinks; Rei will leave her to her shelter with its empty second bed, and that will be it. "Ayanami, I'm sorry."
The First Child stops dead in the middle of the road and turns, her red eyes flashing. She looks as though she might begin yelling, but when she speaks all that leaves her is a quiet, "Are you?"
If she says yes Rei might not believe her, Asuka thinks; if she says no it'll be a lie. She stays silent, following Rei back to the shelter, where they both climb onto their beds. Rei picks up her book; Asuka watches her read it, turning the pages with more force than she needs to. It's the most human Asuka's ever seen her. It's also the most distant.
Rei doesn't leave, but for the next few days she wakes well before Asuka does and doesn't return until dark. She lives in the shelter, but her presence no longer fills it like before; the quiet calm that Asuka's grown used to vanishes along with Rei, and only now that it's gone does Asuka notice it was ever there at all. When Rei happens to return and Asuka is awake, the stillness from the city comes under the roof, filling the silences until one or both of them retire for the night. But when Rei is the first to go to sleep she moves about the shelter like a ghost, putting her book in its proper place and pulling the covers over her until they rest just below the curve of her chin, the motions so mechanical that if Asuka chose to she could believe she was back before Third Impact, living with the version of Rei Ayanami she had so adamantly called a doll.
On the fourth day the quiet takes its toll on Asuka's mind, and she can no longer contain the question that's been nagging at her, of why Rei is still staying with her. She doesn't want to bring it up and Rei isn't speaking to her, so she supposes they'll avoid the subject until one of them breaks- it seems outrageous to think that they will live out the rest of their lives ignoring each other.
She's been returning to the shelter earlier and earlier, perhaps hoping to catch Rei there, as unlikely as it seems. Asuka walks in and finds herself disappointed, but there are signs that maybe Rei's come and gone. The coffee can pyramid that Rei's so meticulously maintained stands with a large portion of it knocked over, the loose cans strewn under the beds and against the walls. It might have been the wind that did this, Asuka thinks, or it might not.
"Hey, Wonder Girl," Asuka says, and her voice bounces around the hollow space. She turns, grinding her teeth; how she could have forgotten that Rei was no longer there astounds her. She can't ask Rei what happened to the cans or if there's any specific order to them, but she kneels and gathers them all carefully, trying to hold them like how she's seen Rei do it.
When the cans are all stacked back in place and there's nothing more to do, Asuka keeps walking circles around the shelter. She edges around the beds and tries not to pay too much attention to the street outside; with her feet she nudges the coins on the ground back under her bed, as if putting things back the way they were will bring Rei back as well.
There's still at least three hours until sundown. Rei might be making her way back by now, unless this is the day she's decided to leave. Asuka could go look for her, but the odds of finding her are slim and she'd only get herself lost. Rei is the navigator of their pair; Asuka wants to claim that she is the fighter, but all she has is a dull, rusty box cutter while Rei has an A.T. Field. Rei doesn't need her, Asuka realizes. She's built the roof over the shelter and that's all she's done; Rei is the one who found her, the one who's done the most. She's only tried to help, and Asuka chased her off.
Asuka's foot connects with the wooden leg of her bed, and she staggers. When she looks up, she sees clouds the same pale white as Rei's skin. She doesn't miss Rei, she's not that sentimental, but that doesn't explain away the tightening of her throat or the wistful sigh that leaves it.
There's still time. If Rei returns that night, there's a chance that Asuka can apologize. But Rei won't believe just a simple apology, and Asuka won't insult herself by offering one. Rei will need to know that Asuka is genuine, and then- the part that makes Asuka's stomach clench nervously- maybe Rei will forgive her.
Asuka steps out of the shelter, swiveling in place. There are nothing but apartment buildings and tiny shops for several blocks around. There's no obvious place for Asuka to start, other than somewhere. She leaves the shelter behind her, picking through the rubble until the different shades of grey become one large mass indistinguishable from its portions, and the skin on her hands is scraped raw from digging.
It's late when Asuka makes her way back under the light of the moon. She struggles against the drooping of her eyelids and the fatigue that had built in her legs as she knelt, that threatens to make her collapse in the middle of the street. She fights it, clasping her arms tightly around her body to keep herself warm, but also to make sure that the small object she's spent so much time looking for won't slip from her numb fingers and be lost in the darkness.
Rei is asleep, and she looks to have been for a while now. The covers have slipped down to her shoulders and one arm lies exposed to the cold air, though she doesn't tremble. Maybe Angels don't feel cold, Asuka thinks, but then Rei wouldn't need a blanket at all. She uncurls one of her fists and flexes it to make sure it works before moving the sheets out from under Rei's arm and placing them over her. "Hey, Ayanami," she whispers. The words grate against her throat, unwieldy and rough. Keeping silent for so long has taken its toll on her. "I'm sorry."
She thinks Rei may have opened her eyes, but it's dark and Asuka is tired. Her hands shake as she leans over, placing the object on Rei's pillow. Maybe Rei will see it when she wakes, Asuka thinks, and if not forgive her, then take it with her.
Asuka remembers climbing into bed, and nothing more. When she's woken by a dream, the details of which are shadowy but send her into a sweat at the memory of them, her bed is far too warm. The covers that she hasn't kicked off are tucked around her shoulders, but when she looks at Rei she hasn't moved; the book still lies next to her head, and the sheets around her rise and fall with the steady pace of her breathing.
It's still dark when Asuka opens her eyes again. It's not clear how long she's slept but maybe, she thinks, if she can stay awake she can catch Rei before she leaves the shelter that morning. Asuka sits up, brushing away the hair that's fallen over her face in her sleep, and looks at Rei's bed.
The covers lay in a heap by the foot of the bed, not neatly arranged like Rei's always done when she leaves for the day. The book on her pillow is gone, as is Rei. Asuka rises, and as she walks over to Rei's bed she hardly feels the rough concrete against her feet, for everything has suddenly become numb.
"...Rei?" Asuka's fingers brush the sheets tentatively; she looks out into the city, her legs carrying her forward in a drunken stumble. Rei must be outside the shelter, perhaps a little ways down the road; no matter that the sheets on her bed were cold. She has to be out there where Asuka can find her. The alternative is that Rei has left her for good, and despite the notion in Asuka's mind that this is always what she's wanted, to be left alone, Rei's absence feels abnormal.
Asuka steps onto the asphalt, her head turning in a slow-half circle. As much as she hopes to see Rei, something in her tells her not to expect anything, so when she catches a glimpse of blue amidst the grey her heart leaps inexplicably.
Rei looks down at Asuka from the pile from before, the one where they'd sat and watched the meteors. She's holding the book, Asuka notes, which Rei sets down on her lap when she notices Asuka. "I thought I heard something."
"I thought you left." Asuka tries to keep her voice level but she hears it shaking, and so must Rei, since she tilts her head to the side. Her mouth suddenly dry, Asuka tries to keep talking, so Rei won't break the silence with one of her odd observations. "Your bed wasn't made."
"I woke up and I couldn't go back to sleep," Rei says. "So I came out here to watch the sunrise." It's such a very Rei answer that Asuka finds herself nodding, like she'd expected nothing else. Then Rei's brows furrow, and she frowns at Asuka. "This was on my bed. Why?"
Asuka shuffles her feet and swallows a lump in her throat. "I... I'm sorry. For how I've been."
"So you got me a book."
"I, well..." Asuka sighs and looks at the book, which is smaller than the other one Rei has. Rei will probably finish it in a day or two at most. It's a stupid attempt at an apology now that Asuka thinks about it, and what little hope had kindled in her chest when Rei spoke to her begins to dwindle. "Yeah. I'm sorry."
Rei touches the book as if to make sure it's still there, that it's real. "It's good," she says, smiling gently at Asuka. Asuka twitches, lifting her head with a slight motion to see Rei patting a spot next to her on the concrete slab. "Come up here? It's pretty."
Asuka finds herself nodding her head and starting up the pile, the small rocks in the rubble digging into the scrapes on her hands. She grits her teeth and pulls herself up, only pausing once, when Rei reaches down to grasp her wrist and help her the rest of the way.
The sun is rising over the sea, carving a streak of orange through the red waters. Asuka looks from it to Rei, opening her mouth to ask a question, but Rei nudges her with an elbow and motions to the horizon. It looks strange without Lilith's head lying there gaping up at the sky, but in its absence Asuka can see the waves, and somewhere on the beach Shinji must be getting up with his Angel beside him, facing yet another day.
There's a soft sigh at Asuka's side. A second later Rei is slumping against her, the book falling out of her lap and bouncing down the pile. Rei's breathing is soft, quieter than the whisper of the morning wind, and she rests her hand on Asuka's shoulder with an urgency that doesn't seem to be present, like she's only trying to get Asuka's attention. Asuka's been with her long enough to know this is wrong, though, that the pace of Rei's breathing is too slow to be normal. "Rei?"
"Can you... help me back?" Rei asks. Her voice is soft too; it sounds like at any moment it could fade completely from existence.
"Yeah. Hang on." Asuka stands, pulling Rei up with her. Rei leans into her, and Asuka thinks the other girl might be shaking, but she can't think about it; she doesn't want to. They travel slowly across the street while the sun continues its ascent, Asuka unable to look at Rei for fear that if she does she will find that Rei's eyes have closed or the motion of her chest has stopped, and though she has planned for everything from meeting Shinji to Rei leaving she has no contingency for this.
Asuka sets Rei down in her bed and collapses against the nearest solid object, the wall. She thinks Rei might have thanked her before she curled in on herself and fell asleep, but her voice was so soft that it could've just been Asuka's imagination. What isn't her imagination is the paleness of Rei's skin, the same white as the sand on the beach, and the quiet gasping of her breath.
They've forgotten the book outside, Asuka realizes, but she can't bring herself to leave behind the support of the wall. Nor does she want to leave Rei, who seems like she could just as easily slip away while her back is turned. Asuka sighs and sinks down the wall, her legs finally failing her and giving way. She scoots closer to Rei's bed, running a hand along the edge of the mattress. Her fingers brush against Rei's, and though Asuka thinks nothing of it she hears something from above her head, a murmuring. Rei's hand shifts, covering Asuka's,clinging to it with what little force she can muster. Asuka turns her hand palm-up, resting her thumb on Rei's knuckles and laying her head against the mattress. "Hang on," Asuka hears herself say. Rei will not hear her, but it seems essential that she says this. To stay silent is Rei's job, and it is not a role that Asuka is willing to undertake, nor willing to replace.