I'm an idiot
That's all he thinks about as he sits in this disgusting bar drinking. It's been three years and she is all he still thinks about. He thought leaving would get him to forget about her but he knew that she would always with him. Retiring from the squad was suppose to make things better and make him happier. But all he thought was mistakes he made. The biggest one was leaving and not telling her. He couldn't tell her because he knew as soon as he looked in her eyes he wouldn't be able to leave her. The same day he retired he gave Kathy divorce papers. He knew it was a mistake to go back to her. He's been living in Manhattan since the divorce was final. Some nights he would just sit outside her apartment in his car watching her window just to get a glimpse. If she knew she probably would shoot him.
He still remembers the last time he saw her at the station. It was after he shot Jenna and he was a fucking mess. As he walked to the elevator he knew he was leaving the squad, leaving her. It was more than just shooting Jenna that caused him to leave. Things were becoming complicated again. He smiles thinking of her word to describe them. Yeah fucking complicated. For so long he denied anything had changed between them. For years and years but then Gitano happen. He still denied to himself anything change but his heart knew everything changed. She fucking ran away to Computer Crimes and then Oregon.
She ran away and you ran back to Kathy. Yep you're an ass
Some things we don't talk about
Rather do without
And just hold the smile
Falling in and out of love
Ashamed and proud of
Together all the while
He still thinking about her when a song comes on and he listens hoping it will help to him forget her. Nope no such luck. Yeah there are many things they never talked about it. Mainly the feelings that were always below the surface. Neither of them admitted and he wonders if they ever will. It went beyond friendship and they both knew it. He hated every boyfriend she ever had. They didn't deserve her, hell he never deserved her. He's made so many mistakes leaving her was the worst. She probably hates him and she should. He's an asshole but he wants her more than anything.
You can never say never
While we don't know when
But time and time again
Younger now than we were before
She was a part of his life for 12 years and he walked away cause each day it was harder and harder to not touch her. He remembers when Sonja died and he rushed back to see her. He was so scared that it was her that died. When he hugged her he never wanted to let go. That night he went home to Kathy but the whole night he wished it was her that was in his bed. He watched her the next couple days more than he ever had. She said she was fine like she always does but he knew she wasn't. He wonders what she is doing right now. If she out on a date... FUCK
"Language Daddy..."
He looks up to see his oldest daughter with the same smirk he has. She sits next to him.
"Maureen, is something wrong? How did you know I was here?
"I'm fine. I was out when I saw you walk in and wanted to make sure you were okay."
"I'm fine." He says. Meanwhile deep inside he's broken an doesn't think he will ever be fixed.
She just looks at him with the same look Kathy has knowing when he's lying.
"No you're not. I can sit here and pretend that everything is fine. But we both know you're not fine and she isn't fine. I think it time for you to see her and stop the bullshit." She states bluntly.
Don't let me go
Don't let me go
Don't let me go
Don't let me go
Don't let me go
Don't let me go
He sighs. He could never lie to Maureen and she know it.
"She won't want to see me."
"You don't know that daddy. You need to tell her how you feel. Enough is enough."
"I don't kn...
"Don't give me that crap. You love her and part of the reason you left the force was because of that. The three years since you retire you haven't been happy. Everyone knows it. Now it's time to get your head out of your ass. "
"She's probably happier with me not being her life. I can't just go over and talk to her after three years. She's forgotten all about me and it better that way. I will not make a mess of her life." He yells
"What if she's not happy? What if she'd just going through the motions?" She states with a knowing look.
"Have you talked to Liv?"
"No Fin. I saw him a couple days ago. He was at the hospital. I asked how she has been doing. Especially after the kidnapping."
The kidnapping...It still makes his blood boil. What he would do to get five minutes alone with that prick. He took all his strength not to go look for her. When Fin called and said she was found and okay he was so relieved. He wanted to see her but he knew she wouldn't want to see him. So he send flowers to her every day for two months.
"How is she?"
"Fin said she has been doing better. Been going to counseling and she knew that it was you sending the flowers. But he said she was sad. Some day's while sitting at her desk she would just stare into space and he knows she was thinking about you." She looks over at him.
"How does he know that? She could be thinking about what the asshole did to her."
"Because she was staring at what use to be your desk. I want you to listen to me. The whole family knows nothing happen between you two when you were married to mom. But you asked for the divorce when you realized your feelings for Liv were stronger. That's fine. Everyone is fine and Mom's happy now. It's you turn to be happy. Liv makes you happy. It's time for both of you to admit how you feel. Do you love her?
Picture, you're the queen of everything
As far as the eye can see
Under your command
I will be your guardian
When all is crumbling
I steady your hand
He listens to what she just said and thinks. Yes he loves her and has for a very long time. But he doesn't know how she feels and the fear of rejection sits in his mind. He wants to love her, protect her, and be her everything.
He looks at Maureen.
"Yes I love her and I have for a long time. I though leaving would make it go away but it didn't. I doubt she feels the same way about me."
"You will never know until you two talk. Like the song says Never say Never. Go see her. I'll talk to you tomorrow. Love you daddy."
"Love you too." He watches her walk out the door.
You can never say never
While we don't know when
Time, time, time again
Younger now than we were before
He looks at his beer and he can't drink anymore. He needs to be of sound mind if he is going to see her. He's always had a plan of how his life was going to go but changed when he met her. He wouldn't let himself think of her of anything other than she was his partner. But the last few years of them working together he let his mind wander and wonder what it would be like to be with her. It scared the shit out of him cause she knows him better than anyone. She has seen the worst and always stood by him an fucking left her. How could she ever forgive him?
Don't let me go
Don't let me go
Don't let me go
We're falling apart and coming together again and again
We're growing apart but we pull it together, pull it together, together again
He pays for his beer and leaves the bar. He's made his decision. He needs to see her. They really need to talk about everything. So much has happened between them and they never talked about it. That ends tonight. It will be a major fight probably one of their worst but he doesn't care. He needs her in his life and he's going to prove to her that he will never leave again.
He's across her apartment building when he sees her walking. The wind whips her long golden hair around. God she's beautiful. He can tell she's deep in thought by the way her face looks. He crosses the street slowly so he doesn't scare her. Before he reaches her he remembers the song in the bar and all he can think is...
Please Liv, don't let me go. Don't let me go.
"Liv..." His voice rings out.
She stops dead in her tracks. Even with the wind he hears the catch in her breath. She hasn't turned around yet and all he can think of is either she is going to curse him out or shoot him. But she does neither. She slowly turns around and she has tears in her eyes. The last time she looked like that was when Gitano had the gun to my head. He screwed up last time and he wasn't going to do that again. They are just staring at each other. He's waiting for her to speak. He needs her to speak, he missed the sound of her voice so much. Finally she speaks...her voice cracks.
"El..." She whispers as the tears fall.
Song is Never Say Never by The Fray