Numb
Disclaimer: If I owned Criminal Minds, I'd be a happy camper, but I don't. CBS does.
Summary: Emily really did die at the hands of Ian Doyle, affecting those around her. How do they cope and move on without her?
Timeline: Post Lauren alternate timeline, disregard It Takes A Village. Oh, and Haley never died.
A/N: I posted this a long time ago, however it was riddled with so many mistakes that I finally decided to delete, re-edit and re-post. Enjoy.
Thanks for reading, don't forget to leave a review.
"We only part to meet again." John Gay
The blonde pulled up to her destination, shutting off the ignition. She paused before she out of her car looking around at the quiet surroundings taking the solace all around her.
It was almost too quiet, but she actually liked it.
Slowly walking towards the headstone she set down the white lilies on the freshly mowed grass surrounding Emily's grave.
Standing up, JJ let out a small sigh shoving her hands into her dark leather jacket. She knew he was behind her. Watching.
She sensed his presence since the parking lot as she slowly turned around stunned by his disheveled appearance.
It only took two seconds to know that he was in as much agony as she was.
Taking a deep breath, "This your first time back here since the funeral?"
"Yeah" Hotch replied walking over to the headstone but keeping a distance from standing directly next to her.
"This should've never happened" JJ whispered, looking over at him "What happened to your face?"
Hotch inwardly winced remembering how Emily use to worry about him "Nothing."
The blonde nodded at that, understanding the need to express grief in one's own way. Her gaze traveled to the bandaged hand.
"The same nothing that happened to your hand?" she asked, her words lightly slurring.
"Since when did you become a drinker?" he asked "I may not be a profiler anymore but I can tell your drunk and on something"
That made her inhale sending him a sharp look.
"Fine, I get it. I stay out of your new personal life, you'll stay out of mine." she told him, watching him agree to it.
Opening her purse, she pulled out a thick manila folder handing it over to him.
"What is this?" Hotch asked, looking down he opened the file staring at the page "Where'd you get this information?"
"It's the reason I needed to see you. I basically took an indefinite vacation from the Pentagon." JJ said "But I grabbed all the information there was before leaving, on Clyde Easter."
"He wasn't her handler" Hotch said still pained to say her name, "We already know that was McCallister."
"He agreed to track him down for us" JJ said looking over at Emily's head stone "He misses her too."
"And this has what to do with me?" Hotch asked looking at the pictures in the file of Emily.
JJ stared at him, shocked by the cold emotionless tone, "He found him."
Garcia kept her eyes on the photo on her desk, it was one of the few things that she could handle without breaking down completely.
A knock on her office door pulled her from her thoughts, "Come in?"
Plastering on a fake smile when she saw Dave's head peek in, flashing the analyst a smile of reassurance.
"We need to see you up in the conference room." Dave told her "Do you know where Kevin or Reid are at?"
"Reid was dropping off a care package for JJ and Kevin?" Garcia said looking up at the ceiling "I don't know."
"Here..." Kevin said "I had to help the B Team on a case."
Dave looked over at the man, "We need you up in the conference room in five."
Dave shook his head at the image of the uncomfortable couple 'This has to be fixed. We can't all be going on like this.'
Pulling out his cell phone he walked into his office, "Hey, it's Dave. Can you come to the BAU? I need your help."
"Now I know where he's at" the blonde told her former boss "All the information we need is right here, in this file."
Hotch looked from the file in his hand to the blonde with hope in her eyes.
"Aren't you going to hand this over to the Bureau?" he asked her, "Or to Metro?"
"I'm not giving it to anyone" JJ told him, her blue eyes cold "Jails too good for that bastard."
"What are you telling me?" he asked her.
"Easter gave it to me" JJ told him, her underline meaning obvious, "Told me I could do whatever I want with it."
"And what exactly are you planning to do?" Hotch asked.
"Giving it to you" JJ said "You're the only other person who can understand how I feel. And you can... we can do whatever with it. With him."
The dark haired man looked back down at the file and handed it back to her.
"I don't want it." Hotch told her.
"What?" JJ asked stunned, clearly he didn't mean that.
"I don't care about him. I don't care about any of it." Hotch told her "And I don't want to start."
"That's a lie, Hotch" she shook her head in disbelief "That's... I know you. Even if you never come here to visit her or got to tell her that you loved her, you still care."
Shoving his hands in his pockets, he turned walking away from his one time subordinate. He just didn't care anymore.
The blonde agent collapsed on the grass resting her head on her knees, tears falling down her face. Denial was coursing through her mind by from her friend's objection.
"I know you, Hotch" she shouted in the darkening sky, "You loved her."
Hotch sat in his little apartment in the bar staring at Garcia's care package with wary concern. Waying his options left and right.
He didn't expect booby traps, but it wouldn't surprise him if the blonde planted her own personal belongings inside to get him out just to return them.
Looking inside the large box, he was relieved when he pulled out the food, placing it on the table.
Pushing aside the FBI sweat shirt, FBI logo mug and Bureau issued windbreaker, that made him narrow his eyes he knew exactly what she was doing. Subliminal messages.
He paused, frowning when he felt a small yet thick envelope inside the box.
Opening it up he smiled at the Christmas photos from the previous year his heart skipping a beat at image of Jack, Emily and himself in one of the photos.
Setting that aside he took another glance inside to see another set of pictures but these ones dating back to Gideon's days on the team.
He felt his eyes watering at the memory of his earlier treatment of her and her neverending humor and spunk when she finally won over the team. And him.
He hardened his heart at the smiling images, picking up the care package he walked outside throwing away the reminder of the past not bothering to look inside.
He couldn't let himself go down that road again, telling himself it was better to feel nothing then to feel everything.
Taking a seat at the empty table, he grumbled at the sound of his ringing cell phone, wrenching it from his pocket.
"Hotchner" he clipped out, reminding himself that he could go with a hello from now on, "You want me to what? Where?" he sighed, "Fine, I'll be there."
Shoving his phone back into his pocket, he took a sip of his beer looking around the darkened apartment. This was his life now, he told himself, he needs to accept that.
"Only in the agony of parting do we look in the depths of love." George Eliot
To Be Continued...
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