Anthy's Turn
by sharnii
After a fortnight Utena was sober enough that Anthy decided they could start therapy in earnest. They sat in her office, Utena on the couch and Anthy in the armchair in front of it. Utena stretched out like she didn't have a care in the world but her eyes were as guarded as Anthy had ever seen them. She didn't remember Utena's eyes ever being like that.
"So the swords speak to you?" she asked, starting their session without preamble. Utena blinked at her, then scratched her eyebrow.
"Uh…yeah…"
"What do they say?" Utena crossed her ankles looking uncomfortable.
"Oh…stuff. Not worth repeating. Not in front of…" she paused and looked a little embarrassed.
"A lady like me?" asked Anthy, and giggled. Utena smiled at her, then scowled, heat flaring in her pale cheeks. Anthy wanted to press a kiss to them. She restrained herself.
"What kind of…stuff?" she asked instead. "It's important that you articulate it." Utena clenched her hands in her pajama pants, clearly nervous.
"Oh like name-calling, and cursing, and uh blame. Stuff like that."
"Hate?" guessed Anthy, perfectly aware of what the swords would be saying. Utena looked at her in surprise, her hands unclenching.
"Yeah. In one word, that would be it."
"Do they hate you?"
"Sure." Utena's voice was bleak.
"Do they hate other people?"
"Yeah."
"Do you hate other people?"
Utena didn't answer. Her voice when it finally came out was strangled, and her hands were re-clenched.
"I don't know. Maybe."
"Do you hate yourself?" Anthy had read textbooks before starting this session but she wasn't using any of them. This was instinct, pure and simple, and she was terrified about whether it would help at all. She watched, swallowing against an ache in her throat as Utena unconsciously hugged her knees to her chest, turning onto her side. She seemed to have forgotten about Anthy as she whispered her answer.
"…Yes."
"Why?" Anthy fought to keep her voice calm. Professional.
"I failed…" Utena's answer was immediate; it was clear it was something she thought about a lot.
"What?!" Anthy couldn't keep the incredulity out of her voice. There was nothing professional about the way she gaped at her patient. "What?!" she repeated. Utena didn't seem to notice, her eyes were distant and inward-looking.
"I don't know," she murmured, "but it was something big…something important, so important that I can't stand to…" Her eyes flashed at Anthy then, huge with pain. "…to think about it…"
Anthy couldn't help herself. Doctor or not she simply couldn't cope with Utena like this, falling apart right in front of her.
"Utena," she whispered, and before she knew what she was doing she was on her knees by the couch and had pried one of Utena's hands off her knees to cradle it in her own. Too late she realized her mistake; Utena stared at her like she was crazy, then exploded away from her, leaping off the couch and backing herself into the nearest corner. Her body trembled with tension, and her eyes whirled with angry confusion.
"Don't touch me," she hissed. "What kind of doctor are you anyway?!"
Anthy was on a razor's edge herself, and answered unthinkingly.
"You know who I am."
Utena's brows furrowed and she started to breathe hard and fast, like she fleeing from something, or running toward it.
"A…are you alright?" asked Anthy, suddenly fearing for Utena, for what this might be doing to her. A pause, a horribly charged moment and then…
"NO!" screamed Utena, glaring at her like she wanted to kill her. Anthy stared at her in shock, still kneeling by the couch.
"Witch!" Utena went on, voice quiet now, low and thick with hate. "You think I don't know who you are...I know exactly what you are…"
"That's the swords speaking," Anthy said, making her voice stay steady, making herself stand to her feet and stare Utena down. "Isn't it. Isn't it, Utena-sama?"
"We're going to kill you," roared Utena, and her voice was even thicker now, and so familiar (in a different way) that it made Anthy's back break out in cold sweat.
"You have to control this," she said calmly, willing herself not to start shaking. An errant line of sweat dripped down her forehead and she watched Utena's hungry eyes track it. "Listen to me…you can't let anyone know about the swords. Or we'll be back where we started."
Utena blinked, still breathing heavily. Anthy thought furiously, thinking on her feet.
"Do you want that?" she asked Utena slowly, asked them. "To be back in a padded cell drugged out of your mind? Where you can't…do anything, let alone kill me?"
Utena blinked and looked at her feet. Then while Anthy gaped she turned around and punched the wall with all her strength. Once, twice, a third time. Anthy heard bones crack all the way across the room and cried out in horror. Fearfully she glanced toward the door, glad beyond measure that she'd insisted on having the office sound-proofed…against regulations…
Utena was resting her forehead against the wall now, panting for breath and cradling her right hand to her chest. Hesitantly Anthy approached her, so quietly that there was no sound to mark her passage over the carpet. All that could be heard was Utena's harsh breathing and occasional whimper.
Anthy made it to Utena's side. Greatly daring, and without conscious thought she reached out to lay a hand on Utena's shoulder. A moment of nerve-straining tension as Utena tensed beneath that hand…then Utena relaxed. Anthy reached out and turned her around, leaning her back against the wall.
She stared into frightened eyes that reminded her of those of a little girl, gazing up at her so long ago while shouting foolish promises of salvation.
"Utena," she whispered, cupping her hands to tear-streaked cheeks. "Are you…alright?" Utena closed her eyes and Anthy's heart thudded painfully as she felt the girl lean into her hand.
"Yeah," whispered Utena, "sorry about that, Himemiya-sensei."
She hung her head and Anthy kept stroking her cheeks, caught up in the sound of her name on Utena's lips (even if it wasn't said in a way that meant anything she wanted it to). It was the first time Utena had said her name…
She realized that to Utena they were still doctor and patient, and that what she was doing was entirely inappropriate. With some effort she pulled her hands away and picked up Utena's right forearm. Utena was completely limp now, looking like she was about to keel over at any moment. Her cheeks were burning…Anthy wondered if it was with shame?
She tut-tutted over the hand. Bloody and bruised, it was broken, no doubt about it, and probably in several places. Injuries like that didn't ever heal fully either (not in the real world). Anthy felt pain deep inside, pain for all the happy times that she had fantasized about for their future, when Utena would be playing sport with all her considerable talent (and she would be watching from the sidelines, well content).
Utena's eyes opened.
"You're crying," she said quietly, gazing down at Anthy. "Why are you crying?"
"Your hand," said Anthy, and they both looked at it. "Why did you do this?" Utena looked strained but she answered readily enough.
"It was better than hitting you." She glanced down then, looking appalled at herself. "Uh sorry."
"That wasn't you," whispered Anthy, wanting to whisper so much more. But she couldn't…not yet…
"It was the swords?" Utena rolled her eyes, and then dejectedly slid down the wall, pulling her hand back to her chest. Anthy knelt down beside her, putting a hand on her knee.
"Yes," she said simply.
"That's an excuse," muttered Utena. "Even I know I'm crazy."
"You're not," pressed Anthy, "the swords are real." Utena stared at her.
"You're crazy," she said. Anthy smirked at her.
"We're both crazy?" she asked gently, like she would an errant child. "I'm a trained psychiatrist you know." Utena's lips curved in a reluctant grin.
"Well I've heard things about psychiatrists…"
"Have you?" Anthy's voice turned coy. Once again she wanted very badly to take more than Utena was ready for, to lean forward and press a kiss to…
She leaned back.
"You resisted the swords," she said instead. "Suppressed them. That's good. We don't have to start all this again."
"Is that what we would've done?" Utena wanted to know, and something flickered in her eyes that reminded Anthy of another time, another world.
"Yes," she said simply. "As many times as it took. As it takes." She smiled encouragingly at her patient, and was finally rewarded with an answering smile. Small and tired, but real, and better still the only smile in the world she cared to receive.
"We'll call a nurse for your hand," she decided, glancing at the hole in the plasterboard. "We need a cover-story…"
"You're a very strange doctor," said Utena, looking at the hand Anthy still rested on her knee. "I think I like it."
Anthy smiled again, delighted. Had Utena just flirted with her?! No…surely not…
"I'll get a painting," she decided out loud. "This office needs a painting."
"Right in the corner," mumbled Utena and started giggling.
Seconds later Anthy started giggling to.
Mamiya watched Utena across the chessboard, watched fondly as her brow furrowed and she scowled ferociously at his pieces. Her right hand was plastered, and held against her chest in a sling. He could tell the restraint bothered her; she kept itching at the tie at the back of her neck. This distraction was necessary.
"I hate chess," mumbled Utena, hesitantly starting to move a pawn and then stopping again. "I'm just no good at it."
"I taught you, didn't I?" said Mamiya calmly. "And I'm an excellent player."
Utena's eyes flickered up for a moment and she smirked at him.
"And so modest." He smirked back. He smirked again when she finally did move. It was true; Utena was one of the worst players he'd ever seen. It was going to be a great challenge to bring his playing down to her level. He studied the board, wondering how he could keep her from losing in the next five moves…out of the corner of his eye he saw her scratch the back of her neck again.
"Stop it, Tenjou-san," he murmured absently. "You'll get a rash."
"It itches," she whined, then had the good grace to stop and blush. "Look, I'm really trying not to. It's just damn hard."
"Here," he murmured absently, reaching out without looking up from his task. "Take my hand." When she did seconds later he was shocked by the tingle he felt, so shocked he looked up. For a moment pink hair was all he could see, pink hair and a laughing man who so rarely laughed, who usually only talked in terms of scientific equations…
He blinked again. It was Utena (not Souji…never Souji again…) chortling down at him, and he realized she thought it was funny that he (little boy that he was) thought he could stop her from scratching by holding her hand.
"That's sweet, Mamiya-kun," she said between giggles, then started laughing again. For a moment he glared at her. Then he smiled back: she was impossible to resist. But inside he felt sad for different reasons.
Was this what happened when a doll with no heart got given a heart?
"What's wrong?" she asked him, stopping laughing and brushing a comforting thumb over his hand.
"Nothing," he lied, staring furiously at the chess pieces.
"Sure," she said, "and I'm not itchy either."
He glared at her, irritated by her characteristic persistence. It was exactly what he loved about her…when it wasn't making his life difficult.
She chewed her lip, and suddenly looked serious, as serious as he'd ever seen her.
"Hey, Mamiya-kun," she said quietly, "if something ever troubles you…"
He closed his eyes, steeling himself against what was coming next.
"Come talk to me about it first," she continued, gazing across the chessboard earnestly. "No matter what, we'll help each other. That's the kind of friends I want us to be."
Mamiya's heart thundered in his chest.
How does she know? Does she know?
He opened his eyes to find Utena gazing at him thoughtfully. Helplessly he felt himself gaze back in utter wonder, just like the first time she'd said it as they lay together. He'd said nothing then, just turned the (strange) words over and over in his mind, until they'd exploded out of his (dead) heart during the duel with Saionji.
He'd screamed her name, shocking himself, shocking his brother he was sure, who was watching as per usual from the balcony overhead, even shocking Utena. And he'd moved…moved between Utena and the onrushing Saionji, clutching her to his chest. Then (miraculously) had come a new ritual calling forth a new sword, words that had come to the rose bride's tongue unbidden, welling up from somewhere deep inside. From the place where a heart had once beaten…so many years ago…
Utena's nobility had made it so. Her sweet (naive) offer of friendship; the rose bride had never had a friend before.
"I've never had a friend before," he murmured, not really knowing what he was saying. Utena stared at him in apparent consternation, her eyes shimmering with compassion.
"If….if you just opened your heart, anyone would want to be your friend!" she declared, and he shivered again; the sense of déjà vu was that strong.
"Y…you barely know me," he said weakly, his hand spasming a little in hers (What she did to him…).
"But I know I want to," she said decidedly, as though it was already decided between them. Utena looked a little embarrassed then, ducking her head, and peering up at him through her lashes.
"Sorry if I sound weird…I just feel like I've known you before..."
"I do too," he said softly, and he felt himself warming from his head to his toes.
She knows me…
She was the only one who ever had.
"Am I gonna lose?" she asked, looking down at the chessboard but not letting go of his hand. "I feel like I'm losing."
"Well…" he said, looking too, "it doesn't look…"
Utena cried out and folded over in two, clutching her ribs with her good arm. Mamiya stared at her aghast. She cried out again, falling off her chair against their table, scattering chess pieces everywhere. A nearby patient gasped and pointed. Another started moaning and rocking, agitated at the disturbance.
"Utena-sama, no, no," gasped Mamiya, forgetting himself for a moment as he stood up and bent over her, futilely pressing his hands to her back. She moaned again, slipping off the table to curl into herself on the floor, clutching her arm so hard her fingers left bruises.
"What's going on here?!" The strident voice of a nurse rang out from the other end of the room. Mamiya glanced up desperately from where he knelt by Utena. Thankfully there was a couch blocking the nurse's view, but only for now. The moment she saw (and heard) Utena their progress would be loss.
"Shh, shh," he whispered, pressing his hands urgently against Utena's shoulders, then smoothing her hair, trying to calm her. "Hide the swords, hide the swords." Gods, she was shaking so hard, trembling almost violently beneath his touch.
"Don't scream," he warned her, as he watched her stomach convulse as she panted for air. "Please don't scream. Please…"
Her eyes were screwed shut, he wondered if she even heard him. She began to keen low in her throat, and he could see she was biting her lip. There was blood on her chin. He cursed, hearing heavy footsteps and knowing the nurse approached. There were other noises now: more patients crying out mingled with the confused questions of orderlies. Mamiya closed his eyes. He had no choice.
"What's wrong with her?" hissed the nurse, just as Mamiya's hand moved away from the pressure point at Utena's neck. She lay completely limp now, unconscious and unaware of the danger.
"Nothing," he said nervously, "she was scared by the noises." He glanced around as though they were also bothering him. The nurse hmphed and kept moving, now questioning the woman shaking in the corner. She called for an orderly who hurried over with a needle, and Mamiya heaved a sigh of relief. Safe, for now. He pulled Utena's head into his lap and looked at the chess pieces scattered all around as he waited for the nurse and orderlies to usher the moaning patient away.
So close…
Making sure they were unobserved he pressed his hand to Utena's neck, just so, and covered her mouth as she surged against his other restraining arm.
"Quiet," he snapped, needing her immediate attention. She stared at him, eyes wide and tortured before she blinked repeatedly. He saw the sanity begin to return and hesitantly moved his hand.
"We'll go to my aunt's office," he told her, "just be quiet until then. We can't let anyone know. Hide the swords. Please, you have to…" She stared at him dazedly then nodded.
The next ten minutes was nightmarish. Mamiya helped Utena to her feet and wrapped his arm around her waist, but she could barely stand and his strength wasn't about physical power. Wincing at the harsh sound of her breathing as she fought back screams, he helped her to the couch and went looking for a wheelchair. A quick body-swap in a janitor's closet and Anthy wheeled the chair to her patient's side.
Utena's eyes were startled, but she said nothing, clearly concentrating on her breathing. After helping Utena into the wheelchair the process of wheeling her to the sound-proofed office was relatively easy, and Anthy met any curious looks along the way with her frosty Nanami-imitation. Once inside she slammed and locked the door, and helped Utena lie down on her couch.
"It's okay," she breathed, gently pushing a cushion beneath her head and wiping away the blood on her chin. "We're safe now. We're safe." Utena only moaned in response, then screamed as another sword (or swords?) took her, turning her face into the couch.
Anthy didn't care about proprietary anymore. She sat beside Utena, stroking her soothingly: first her rigid arm, then her chest (her patient's heart was practically slamming against her hand), then the shuddering line of her back as Utena turned completely away from her, curving into the couch-back.
She gave a little gasp as Utena gasped; watching this was like having it happen to her younger self, only worse. She didn't know if she could bear it. Utena was shivering and moaning, over and over, pitiful sounds that Anthy had never heard her make.
Maybe the drugs are better…
Unthinkingly Anthy stretched out beside Utena, gathering her into her arms and pressing her to her chest. She moved her hair to the side and pressed a kiss to the nape of her neck. Utena's skin was hot against her lips…she tasted a drop of sweat.
"Shhhhh," she murmured, stroking the feverish cheek she couldn't see from this position. "It's okay, it's okay."
But it was as far away from okay as it could be.
Anthy didn't know how much time had passed, how long she had held Utena, murmuring comfort to her (at her?) until her own voice was hoarse. Utena had vacillated between screaming and groaning, whimpering one moment and then biting her fist the next.
But she was quiet now, and her previously rigid muscles had gone slack in Anthy's embrace.
"Utena?" whispered Anthy, sitting up wearily, and gently tugging the girl over to face her. Utena's eyes were half closed and completely dazed. She stared at Anthy's knee without appearing to see it, and Anthy realized she'd reached the point past pain: the point where apathy began. She wondered if this was bad…it was fairly certain that previously Utena would have always been drugged before she reached this state.
A doll without a heart…No…
"Utena?" she whispered again, clutching at her good hand, needing some kind of reaction. "Can you hear me?"
To her immense relief something flickered in those eyes and Utena's hand twitched weakly in her own.
"That's good," she whispered, tears coming to her eyes. "Good. I'm so sorry. So sorry for the swords, oh…"
Utena blinked, and appeared to be trying to focus on her.
"S'not your fault," she muttered, and her hand twitched again. "Not your fault at all…"
"Isn't it?" whispered Anthy, past the point of her own iron control. "Oh, Utena-sama…"
"Don't call me that," slurred Utena, closing her eyes. "You know I hate it when you call me that…"
Anthy stared down at her in shock. It was too late to ask Utena what she meant, her even breathing meant she'd fallen asleep. That was a relief in a way…and a crushing letdown in yet another way. Suddenly as tired as she'd ever been Anthy found herself lying down too. She'd just rest for a minute. She had to regain her equilibrium.
Pressing herself to the warmth that was Utena she closed her eyes.
She woke with a start, realizing that something heavy was pinning her down, and a cruelly tight hand had one of her arms imprisoned. Still foggy with sleep she stared up wildly into Utena's enraged expression. Tears were cascading down her patient's cheeks, but she was scowling and that strange light was burning in her eyes.
"Damn you!" screamed Utena, spittle flying, shaking Anthy violently. She was half on top of her, holding her down and making it difficult to breathe.
She looks crazy, thought Anthy desperately. Insane…
"Stop it," Anthy told her, as calmly as she could. "It's me."
"I know it's you!" screamed Utena, "what, you think I'm an idiot?! You're the woman from my dreams…"
"Yes," said Anthy, because that was probably true.
"You're not a doctor, are you?" hissed Utena.
Anthy reached out her free hand and smoothed it down Utena's side, trying to calm her. She wasn't prepared for Utena to rear back as though burned, and then backhand her across the face. Tears flooded her eyes and she cupped her cheek instinctively, utterly shell-shocked.
She hit me…Utena, of all people…
It seemed to shock Utena too; the girl went completely still, staring down at Anthy as anger and uncertainty warred in her accusing eyes. Silence stretched between them.
"Sorry," muttered Utena finally, climbing off Anthy, levering herself awkwardly off the couch. "That was really messed up." Unsteadily she moved to the window and stared blindly out. Anthy sat up on the couch and looked at that familiar back, at the familiar dejected pose. It reminded her of that other time…that other window and her victor not knowing in the slightest what to say about the violence she had observed rather than committed.
"A lot has happened since I met you, hasn't it? Really…so many things."
Utena had been so sad then. So sad that even Anthy could feel something of it, could appreciate the hurt that someone else might feel. Could take a small step toward empathy, if for only the slightest instant. On this night, at this window she felt everything…her heart was hemorrhaging for Utena…
Quietly she glided over to Utena and gently set her hand between the other girl's shoulder-blades.
"Utena," she whispered, unable to stop the name from ghosting past her lips.
"You're not a doctor, are you?" repeated Utena, this time passive under her touch. "You came here for me."
"Yes," said Anthy tensing. "Yes, that's true."
"Yeah," agreed Utena, "You came to find me."
"Have I found you?" asked Anthy, wild hope surging up her spine.
"I don't think it's possible," said Utena, and her head fell forward against her chest then, as if she knew some horrible secret that Anthy could only guess at. "All that's left is the swords."
She turned abruptly, and almost roughly seized Anthy's shoulder with her good hand.
"They hate you." It was snarled from between clenched teeth.
Anthy merely shrugged beneath the hand, keeping herself calm, knowing that every move she made now counted. Just like in chess. Anthy was very good at chess, the best she knew of (Even better than Souji…poor Souji…).
"Do they?" she said calmly, not really interested in the answer. "How interesting. But what about you?"
"Me?" Utena blinked.
"How do you feel about me?"
"About you?"
"Yes." Anthy gazed deeply into Utena's frightened eyes.
Utena blinked again. Her hand twitched.
"I uh…I, I guess I don't know. I don't know you…"
"Don't you?"
"Um…"
"Aren't I the 'woman from your dreams'?"
"Uh…"
"So you must know me."
"I guess…no wait! You're confusing me." Utena pulled her hand back to rest her face in it. Anthy continued, gentle but implacable.
"Am I?"
"Stop it!" Utena's voice was frayed. "I hate it when you do this!"
"Do what?"
"Play games. You're always playing games. I didn't know that before, but now…"
Anthy felt her own eyes growing wide. Utena was staring over her shoulder absently, apparently unaware of what she'd just revealed.
"They hurt," she muttered, clearly a million miles away. A million swords away.
"I know," whispered Anthy, "I know." And she stepped forward, wrapping her arms around Utena's waist, burying her face in the other girl's chest to the side of her cast. Utena just stood there unresisting, looking over Anthy's head at something only she could see. But Anthy could imagine it, she could imagine it just fine.
Mamiya sat next to Utena at the far end of the dining table, with all the spare seats between them and the rest of the patients.
"Eat your noodles," he reminded her gently, and she obeyed, lifting her chopsticks for the first time since they sat down.
It was a week later and the danger of screaming seemed past: Utena was much too out of it to do more than sit and stare and mumble half-answers. It was like she was back on medication even though she wasn't. Mamiya knew it was the swords, overwhelming her, drowning out everything that Utena had been, everything he cherished.
And he didn't know the answer to this problem.
"Tenjou-san," he asked, desperate to have her interacting as opposed to sitting static. "Why do you hate, Himemiya-sensei?"
"What?" she said, but with barely any intonation. She looked faintly puzzled. "Who told you that?"
"You did of course," he lied smoothly, and after a few blinks she took another bite of noodles, leaving it uncontested.
"Oh," she said. "Well I don't."
"You don't?" He stared at her.
"I don't really feel anything," she said with a shrug. "I feel…empty."
"Empty," he echoed miserably, thinking that this was worse than hate, worse than fiery passion. Even worse than slapping.
"Yeah." She sighed and returned to chewing.
They've carved out your insides, he thought and he felt sick through and through. They've cut around your heart and carved it right out of your chest…
"And me?" he asked sadly. "Do you feel anything about me?"
"We're friends," she said, though it seemed like it was an effort for her to say the words. "No matter what I feel."
Mamiya blinked. The nobility of this statement made his eyes sting.
I am Anthy, he wanted to shout, crying it over and over until it woke Utena out of her stupor.
But he didn't, because it would do no such thing.
"I have a friend," Utena told Anthy, a few days later in one of their sessions. "His name is Mamiya."
"Oh?" said Anthy, heart suddenly thundering in her chest. She wondered where Utena was going with this. From his hiding place in her desk draw ChuChu offered a soft inquisitive cheep.
"I don't know his last name," said Utena dreamily. "It's never seemed important."
"This is a patient?" checked Anthy, forgetting for a moment that she was supposed to be Mamiya's aunt. She was just so flustered…
"No," said Utena and Anthy goggled. "He's more like a figment of my imagination. I mean, he never spends any time with anyone but me. I don't think anyone else sees him."
"Oh," said Anthy faintly, shocked into reacting rather than acting.
I didn't know that…I didn't realize…
"He might be real," went on Utena, stretching out her hands behind her head. "I'm not great at knowing what's real."
"The swords are real," said Anthy, because she knew that Utena doubted this at times.
"Yeah," said Utena, and Anthy was surprised at how sharp her gaze suddenly was. "But Mamiya-kun is not like that. He's like you."
"What?" The question came out strangled. Anthy was frozen on her chair. There was a soft plop as ChuChu fell over in his draw in a dead faint.
"You're his aunt," said Utena, "right? That's what he told me."
"Uh…yes." Anthy blinked again.
"Well it's an amazing family resemblance," said Utena, calmly, quietly, almost fiercely. "And he must have grown up with you, or something, because the way you talk…"
Anthy couldn't breathe.
"It's exactly the same. Exactly."
Anthy couldn't gasp for air.
"It made me realize something," said Utena, rubbing her good hand up and down her injured arm. Anthy's wide eyes followed the motions. She swallowed, then wet her lips, phrasing her next question with difficulty.
"What's that?"
"You're my friend." Utena's hand stilled, and she hugged her arm to her chest. Somehow her eyes were very blue, more so than Anthy had seen since her arrival. She even offered Anthy a tiny smile, more of a lip quirk really.
Suddenly Anthy could breathe again.
"Yes." She put a hand to her racing heart and smiled back at Utena, as much as she could manage. "I'm your friend."
They gazed at each other across the room.
"I'm getting used to the swords," Utena told Mamiya, as they faced each other in their respective beds after lights out. "They're not so bad as they were."
"Really?" said Mamiya disbelievingly. "You mean you're growing numb."
"In my dreams," said Utena distantly, "you're used to the swords."
"You mean Himemiya Anthy," said Mamiya.
"Yeah," said Utena, "I'm sorry, I get you two confused."
"We're not the same," whispered Mamiya, and he didn't know who he was trying to convince.
"Yeah," said Utena, "I'm not the same either."
They lay in silence for awhile.
"You shouldn't have to bear the swords," said Mamiya finally, and he was surprised at how bitter he sounded. "It isn't fair."
"Life isn't fair," murmured Utena. "I think you told me that."
"The rose bride told you that."
"…the rose bride?" Utena sounded confused but not upset. Mamiya blinked. He hadn't meant to call her that…
"Sorry. I mean Himemiya Anthy."
"Oh yeah. So she had the swords, right? I remember that…"
"Do you?"
"It wasn't fair. It was cruel, so cruel, too cruel…"
Mamiya watched in awe as fat tears rolled down Utena's cheeks at the memory.
"But you saved her," he reminded her, caught between wanting her to stop crying, and wanting her to keep showing emotion.
"I did?" Utena scrubbed furiously at her cheeks with her good hand.
"You did," he said firmly, willing her to believe it. "What do you think we're doing here?"
Utena stared across the short distance between them, eyes luminescent in the darkness.
"Sometimes I think this is all a dream," she said faintly. "When I wake up I'll be back there."
"Where?"
"Back in the rose garden. Back in the East Dorm. Back on the arena, back in the tower…back with her."
"We're never going back," said Mamiya fervently. "I hate it there."
"Why?" asked Utena, wide-eyed and curious.
"I was never free," said Mamiya, "it was all a game, a farce." He stared at his (only) friend and begged her with his eyes. "Please Utena. We can't go back." He felt the shivering start as he thought of that darkest of rooms lit only by the furnace. Another rose garden, this one a water tank bearing a single black rose. Souji, lying in the bed across from him, sizing him up with those knowing violet eyes.
Mamiya blinked.
Souji's eyes were blue…
"We won't go back," whispered Utena. "Not if you don't want to."
Mamiya realized it was Utena, not Souji and it was the real world, not the world of a professor's precious memories. Trembling he burrowed under his covers.
"We won't go back," he repeated, "we won't go back." It was a mantra, protecting him against the past.
Mamiya sat in Anthy's office, reading one of her reports. There was a knock at the door and he looked up, not surprised as Utena slid inside.
"Mamiya-kun?" she said, looking confused. "Where's Himemiya-senpai?"
"Who?" asked Mamiya, and then, "oh, you mean my aunt."
A strange creature leapt out the desk draw and danced about on the desk, uttering enraged Chus. Utena's jaw dropped.
"What's that?" she asked.
"I don't know," said Mamiya, "it looks like a monkey." The creature leapt at him, biting his finger with a squawk of outrage. He yelled and pulled away.
"I've got it!" Utena had raced across the room (she was damn fast when she wanted to be) to trap the creature with her good hand. To their combined shock the animal flung its paws around Utena's neck and started sobbing.
"I think it's hurt," said Utena uncomfortably, trying to pry it away. "It's awfully cute, don't you think? And kinda familiar…"
"I don't like animals," said Mamiya with an apologetic shrug. "Souji-sama never let us keep them."
"Who's Souji?" asked Utena, failing to remove the creature and settling on stroking its fur instead.
"I…I…" Suddenly Mamiya remembered where he was and what he was supposed to be doing. His stomach filled with ice as he realized what was happening, how close he was to falling into his other identity.
But he wasn't Mamiya, not really.
"ChuChu," he gasped, and his pet flew across the room to cuddle into his neck instead. "I'm sorry…"
"Is that its name?" asked Utena. "Cute." She retreated to stretch out on the couch.
"When's Himemiya coming back?"
At the first use of this the name she'd always called him at Ohtori Academy, Mamiya's eyes filled with tears.
"I'm here," he said, and suddenly he was Anthy and she was watching Utena like a hawk, looking for any sign of horror, or dawning fear.
"Hi," said Utena casually, scratching her neck and not appearing put-off at all. "What shall we talk about today?"
"You remember me?" asked Anthy, holding her breath, sweating with the effort of the change (It shouldn't have been that difficult…).
"I could never forget you," said Utena seriously. "Not really."
"Utena," murmured Anthy, and crossed the room to kneel by the couch. ChuChu raced over to perch between them, glancing from one to the other. Utena reached out and petted him.
"I like it when you call me that," whispered Utena. "Hell, I told you to for long enough."
The tears overflowed, running silently down Anthy's cheeks. Utena moved her hand from ChuChu to wipe the tears away.
"What are we going to do?" whispered Anthy, needing desperately to lean on someone else's strength. She'd come so far…she'd done so much…she'd been so alone…
"About the swords?" guessed Utena. "I don't know," she admitted bleakly. "It's kind of a big problem. I mean…" She laughed self-deprecatingly. "Chances are I won't remember you in five minutes. Or else I won't care."
"We can have moments," said Anthy desperately, thinking that really, that wasn't enough. It would never be enough.
"Sure," said Utena but there was fear in her eyes, and Anthy knew it was a miracle she'd borne up under the sword's assault for as long as she had. This could well be the end of them, the end of their 'someday together'. It had been so short…only minutes…
NO!
This couldn't be all there was. She, Himemiya Anthy, He, Mamiya, It, the rose bride…they all forbade it.
Suddenly she knew exactly what to do.
Utena lay on the couch fast asleep.
In her dreams (was she dreaming?) she was lying in a cabin, dressed in the uniform of the prince. She was aching all over, panting weakly as she tried to push herself into a sitting position. She was needed. They needed the prince. They always needed the prince. There were people out there, innocent people, oddly angry people, all clamoring for her to get up and save them. She was trying.
She was trying so hard.
But there was a pitchfork (a pitchfork?!) skewering her stomach, pinning her effectively to the wooden floorboards. Every time she tried to rise her abused flesh would slide an inch up the prongs and she would scream with agony and fall back helplessly.
The knocking grew louder. The people were shouting, demanding. Utena lay back and sweated and shivered and tried not to look out the window. If she looked out the window she'd see that the farmers had pitchforks. The farmers were a mob hefting pitchforks.
"Tenjou-san."
Utena started in surprise. She wasn't alone any longer…a strange young boy was kneeling by her side.
"Who are you?" she asked him, having never seen him before in her entire life. He reminded her strongly of Anthy (Himemiya! Take my hand!), and God forbid, of Akio (My prince…). He was slightly built, his verdant eyes filling half his dusky face, with silvery hair and a red suit that evoked the rose bride's dress.
"I'm your friend," he said, his voice softly sweet. He smiled at her and his smile looked broken. His eyes were cunning and frightened and very very determined.
"I've never met you," she gasped, as beads of sweat poured down her forehead at the horrible tearing pain inside.
"And you never will," he said, "because I wasn't your bride."
"Br…bride?" she stuttered. "But you're a boy…"
"I am the rose bride," intoned Mamiya, and his smile was so sad she thought her heart would break. "Or at least a version. All my life I've lived for evil…"
Utena clutched his nearby hand, thinking that the pain in his eyes would be the end of her.
"Don't say that!"
"It's true," he whispered. "And I've lived for an eternity."
"Eternity?" she whispered back, the concept catching at her heart.
"Eternity means lasting forever," he told her, cupping her hand between his. "For years, decades, centuries, millennia, eons, and on and on."
She stared at him wildly, not understanding in the least. Mamiya's soft voice continued.
"My life may be just a moment, but…eternity means that this moment lasts billions of billions of years, without end."
"Billions of years?" she asked, voice breaking.
"Billions of years," he agreed. "Millions of swords."
"What?" she cried, desperate to know what he meant. But he was standing now, letting her hand slip out of his to lie limply at her side. His hands (slim dark hands) were on the pitchfork's handle and while she stared at him terrified (of him, for him), he gazed at her with haunted eyes.
"Goodbye, Tenjou-san," he murmured and his hands tensed on the handle.
"Mamiya-kun!" she screamed.
He paused and his smile seemed to light the room, the world.
"You do know me…see, I told you we were friends…"
And he pulled out the pitchfork in one smooth motion, while Utena screamed and thrashed and then held bloody hands to her belly while he strode to the door, while Utena screamed and sobbed and begged for him to come back, to please oh please stop, while he pulled the door open so bravely, without flinching, while the angry mob shouted their demands to the prince, shaking their pitchforks, while the young boy told them to go away to leave the prince alone she belonged only to him, she wouldn't feel the pain any longer he wouldn't let her, while the mob made threats and hefted their pitchforks, while Utena screamed and screamed and screamed, while the boy who was the rose bride stood in the doorway, barring the mob from entrance, holding back their demands, while the prince lay weeping for her friend, while the mob threw their pitchforks like a thousand shining spears, while the mob wielded their pitchforks like a million swords of hatred, a million swords of human hatred, while the boy screamed and died and went on living in agonizing pain for just a moment, and that moment went on for billions of billions of years…
They woke together.
"Himemiya," gasped Utena, sitting up and pushing her hair off her sweaty forehead. "Himemiya, oh my God…"
"It's alright," whispered Anthy, sitting up also and burrowing into Utena's waiting arms. "It's alright from now on."
Utena held her tightly, so tightly, and Anthy concentrated on the warmth of Utena's breath gusting against her neck.
"W…what did you do?" whispered Utena. "The swords are gone."
"I didn't do anything," said Anthy, "it wasn't me."
"It was you," insisted Utena, drawing back and holding Anthy at arm's length with her good hand. "I'd know you anywhere."
Anthy lowered her eyes.
"It isn't me anymore."
"You're safe?" Utena checked, moving her hand to tilt Anthy's chin back up. "You're…free?" Her eyes begged Anthy for reassurance.
"Yes," whispered Anthy, caught up in the sweet moment of a reunion that meant something more than mutual pain. "I'm here now. We're together. We're free."
Utena started crying, crushing her close, and Anthy kissed Utena's neck, collarbone, shoulder, anywhere she could reach. She clung to her patient, her prince, her friend and embraced their someday.
Someday together.
Anthy led Utena out the asylum's front door, ignoring the scandalized look that the receptionist shot at their joined hands.
They stepped into the sunlight, blinking against the adjustment of dark to light.
"What happened to him?" asked Utena, a strange note in her voice. It was the first time she'd asked directly.
Anthy glanced back at her erstwhile patient. It had taken them another month to convince the doctors of Utena's complete recovery, but working together that was exactly what they'd done. Utena stood tall and straight, dressed in regular clothes (which didn't look all that regular on her for some reason), her eyes bright and clear. Her broken hand was mostly healed and she had it positioned protectively in her jeans pocket.
"He was just a memory," Anthy said, tugging gently on Utena's other hand.
"He was more than that," said Utena in that stubborn voice that Anthy knew meant Utena would set her heels in and refuse to move if Anthy didn't answer.
"Fine," she sighed softly as they walked out the gate and into the real world. "He was Professor Nemuro's most precious memory. He was Mikage Souji's purpose. He was the black rose bride, and he never felt a moment's guilt for all his trickery until he met you. Here in the real world."
"Oh," said Utena softly, her eyes very big. A pause and then her arm slipped around Anthy's shoulder, pulling her closer and resting there comfortably as they walked together. "I'm going to miss him."
Anthy smiled a little, albeit sadly.
"That's just like you." They walked in silence for a moment. Finally Utena squeezed Anthy's shoulder.
"What shall we do now?"
"Now?" Anthy slipped her arm around Utena's waist and looked up at the sun, warm against her face, and out at the road stretching ahead. "Now we live."
FIN