Hello, it's me. I was wondering if after all these years you'd like to meet, to go over everything. They say that time's supposed to heal ya but I ain't done much healing. Hello, can you let hear me?
Nick. Her hands shake as she types.
God, I don't even know if this still your number. You weren't lying all those months ago when you said you wouldn't call again. I miss your messages, I miss hearing your voice. It soothed me, you always had a way of doing that, didn't ya?
I speak to our Chelle all the time, I aways ask about you. I feel sick whenever I do, scared she'll tell me you've moved on, found someone else, someone better. Then I feel guilt. Knowing it's eating away at you like it is me, knowing neither of us will ever truly move on.
I guess I'm texting you because I want you to know you did the right thing. I should have seen it coming, from the first time I was old enough to realise my family wasn't the norm, I knew it was going to be a fight. I just hadn't contemplated how much I'd lose along the way. Sometimes I wonder if it was worth it. All the hard work I put into escaping that place, the little scatty kid that I was, was it worth this? Should I have laid down and let life take me, stayed with me mam and let her ruin my life like she ruined hers? Sometimes I wonder. I didn't know back then, that it wasn't the nice house and the money I cared about. I didn't realise it was, in fact, the people. The ones I would try so hard not to let near me for fear of losing them too. Some of them caused me more pain than I had magined possible. Some of them were good, like Liam, like Hayley, like you.
You were so good but I even lost you in the end.
That place, it were hell on earth, Nick. It was like being trapped inside my own head but magnified to more than I could ever explain. I didn't think I could feel any worse than I did until you sent me to there. I finally knew what it meant to be alone. I know it was to help me, and I spose it did in the end. It taught me that the only way to get out was to get better. I couldn't just walk out of my own accord, apparently that's what being section means anyhow. I made a mental note not to do that again.
To get better, they made me talk and you know how I hate talking, Nicholas. I talked about so many things I've never really spoken about before and in the end, I think it did me good. We spoke about my mam and the man I thought were me dad. We spoke about him, about Johnny and what it meant. I guess I had to learn that nobody but me could ruin the memories I had of Paul and Lee. They were mine and I loved them, no matter what connection we hadn't known we had shared. We spoke about Tony and Frank, Paul and Liam, Hayley, my baby girl. We spoke about Rob and about... about Tina. I told them about Peter and about you. About how much I hated you, at first and then how much I loved you.
You made me happy, in the all too fleeting time we spent together.
I just wanted to tell you that I'm sorry I didn't come back to you. I want you to know it wasn't your fault. I guess I was scared. Embarrassed. But never once did I stop thinking about you. I miss a lot of things about my old life, most of all I miss you. I miss your stupid face so much, Nick. Do you still miss mine? Is there any chance we can at least talk?
I'd really like if we could just talk again, you know? Like we did before we started dating, when we were friends. Good friends, really good friends. You helped me in more ways than you know, Nick and I'm eternally grateful. I think I said to you once that no one had ever not given up on me before, until you. I'm hoping, stupid as it seems, I'm hoping you won't give up on me. Weatherfield destroyed me but it gave me so much gave me you. That place were me home. I miss it, I miss that bloody factory though I hear Aidan is keeping it going strong. Probably doing a better job than me. Like I said, most of all I miss you.
It's probably pathetic, how much I still hope it's me and you in the end.
So, I guess thats all I have to say. If you can forgive me for walking away, forgive me for hurting you (I did warn ya), give me a text back Nicky. Maybe we can get back to being something good again. You might have been the only man that's ever been good for me, despite how we ended. I'd hate for that day to be the last time you saw me, because that's not me. I am strong and I am better than that. Let me make it up to you, I'm pretty damn sure we were worth it.
Call me, Nick. We can talk things over.
Ashamedly yours, still. Carla. X
She debates the kiss for far too long before she throws her phone onto the sofa quickly after she presses send, as though it burns. She's scared that he will reply but even more scared that he won't.