Chapter 2 - S.H.A.K.E

A/N: What, another chapter? Yuppers.

A big thank-you to LaMomo and Unimaginative Olena for their help with this silliness :o)

Disclaimer: All things Twilight belong to Stephenie Meyer.

An Open letter from Edward Cullen's Hands to the Society of Hands And Knuckles Everywhere (S.H.A.K.E.)

Dear Sirs,

We have long considered contacting you concerning our current and long-standing predicament, but recently we have been pushed to take action. Upon reading this communication, we hope that you will excuse our crassness in having contacted you and that you, kind sirs, will find it in yourselves to assist us.

Though we are not generally ones to complain about our existence and use by the body we are attached to, after in-depth negotiations with other components and appendages attached to Mr. Edward Cullen's body, a few of us have either been nominated or taken it upon themselves to contact their local and/or international representatives, unions, societies, federations and so forth, with the hope that one or more of us would be able to put a stop to our communal suffering.

Before detailing our issue, we would like to state that we do not demand nor expect an intervention on our behalf; we do not know whether this would be truly effective nor possible, nor do we blindly believe that you will be able to tell us the cure for what ails us. However, we do hope that you, kind sirs, will be able to perhaps give us a few kind and effective suggestions that will lead us towards resolving the issue.

That issue being the fact that the owner of the body we are attached to has not once, in over a century, allowed us to touch a naked woman in any way, shape or form. Nor have we really touched a clothed one.

It cannot be, you say, how can one avoid the touch of a woman for so many years? Impossible, you say, there are women everywhere; surely he must have contact with some of them. And yes, sirs, he does communicate with women, even lives with a few of them; however, he has never allowed himself, and thus us, to touch any, be they human, vampire or other.

The only time we came close was when the penis and feet attached to Mr. Cullen worked together and "fell into" Ms. Tanya Denali. We would say that it was an unfortunate incident, but we cannot regret the decision made by the penis and feet, as that incident resulted in a spontaneous orgasmic release enjoyed by Mr. Cullen's body and it did allow us to hold Ms. Denali's hands as we helped to pull her to her feet.

We have worked hard to be of service to Mr. Cullen. We consider ourselves elegant and nimble. We are in excellent form, having practiced piano for many years. We hoped that our skill and dexterity would encourage Mr. Cullen and give him additional confidence in the wooing of women, knowing that we would be more than able to manipulate, caress, and pleasure them. However, we remain virtually pure.

We fear we cannot state that we are 100% pure, since we have spent many years working with the penis attached to Mr. Cullen to allow for regular planned orgasmic releases that are actually quite enjoyable for all. We do admit that we were unsure of ourselves the first few years, and it took a very long time for us to reach the level of understanding that we have now; however, over one-hundred years allows for time to develop many techniques. Perhaps, someday we will take the time to submit an article to Handy Happenings about our experiences with that specific appendage.

Apart from this experience, we remain pure. We have worked hard to prove our worthiness; however, Mr. Cullen seems to deem us solely worthy of writing and typing. We help with his intellectual development, turning pages for his eyes to read and his brain to process, play musical instruments and yet still, we remain pure. We aid him in hunting and drinking, but even so, we remain pure.

We are saddened to inform you, kind sirs, that none of our efforts seem to have paid off.

We would be appreciative, kind sirs, if perhaps you could forward informative material to us. We understand that you cannot force Mr. Cullen to act on our needs, but could we, perhaps, receive more information on the experiences of others?

Though we love the studies you have forwarded to us on the safe handling of farming tools, the intricacies of mechanical manipulation, and so forth, we were wondering if perhaps you could put us in contact with somehand that would tell us more about things we have never experienced.

We understand that you yourselves are likely well above this inquiry, but we are hopeful that you know of hands that would be willing to enlighten us.

We long to know how it feels to caress the skin of a female. Though Mr. Cullen's penis insists that there will be an extremely notable difference between female vampire skin and human skin, we believe that both must be much softer than Mr. Cullen's skin.

Perhaps somehand could let us know what it's like to hold the weight of a round ass cheek or, better yet, a breast? Are they firm? Malleable? Pliable? How gentle must one be with them? How are they to be squeezed and pinched? Will we hurt them if we pinch too much? Mr. Cullen's nipples seem to find great pleasure in being pinched. They claim that the pain also generates a sense of pleasure. Would this also be true for a woman? Could we pinch her nipples as hard as we pinch Mr. Cullen's?

Though we understand that it is ultimately the penis attached to Mr. Cullen that will enter and spend a great deal of time in the vagina of the woman that we are finally able to touch, we do hope to also have an opportunity to touch one. What are the labia like? Do they hang? Are they firm? Stretchy? Can they be pinched as well?

And the interior heat of a vagina? Perhaps a fellow hand could tell us exactly what it's like? Will it burn us? The penis once again insists that there will be a notable difference between vampire and human vagina. Is this true? Is one likely to be wetter than the other? Is it morally wrong of us to desire to touch at least one of each so as to fully understand? Are there differences between vaginas? Not just vampire to human but within each species? Does one vampire vagina feel much different than another?

Upon rereading our inquires, we ourselves note that we have a great deal of questions concerning vaginas. Has there ever been a publication dedicated strictly to vaginas? If so, Mr. Cullen has not allowed us to handle one. We are aware that other members of the Cullen household have magazines with pictures, but we have never had the pleasure of admiring their glossy pages.

Though, once again, we realize that you may not be able to directly assist us with our issue, and again, we state that we are not demanding nor are we expecting neither an intervention nor a cure, we are hopeful that you, kind sirs, will be able to give us a few simple suggestions that may help us in achieving our goals.

We would be grateful if you could put us in contact with other hands that have experienced what we have not, or publications that detail the experiences such that we are better able to handle said woman once we are finally granted the opportunity.

Humbly yours,

The Hands attached to Mr. Edward Cullen.

A/N: Well come on… you did expect his hands to be just a little more formal than his cock, didn't you?