Chapter 2

Matt didn't realize that his life could be quite as sad and miserable as it was. Somehow, Emily had gone from a co-worker, his partner, to the center of his entire life. She was his partner, to be sure, but she was so much more than that. She was his best friend, his confidant, his lover, his everything. He had hoped that she would also one day become his wife and the mother of his children. Now, all of those things were missing from his life. And he was left alone. Even after his mother's death, he couldn't recall feeling quite so alone and in such despair.

In the days following the crash, Matt felt simply numb. He didn't even know how he managed to survive those days. They all seemed to pass in a mindless blur. As though not accepting what had happened made it less real. He had argued with Cheryl that he needed to go and search for her at the crash site, that she needed him. Cheryl firmly refused, knowing that there was no way that he would be able to deal with the sight of her badly burned body.

Cheryl and Lia had worked on the funeral arrangements, as Matt had refused. He lacked closure. He just couldn't accept that he could speak with her on the phone one night and suddenly, the next day, she was no more. It just didn't seem possible. He kept waiting for some word that a mistake had been made. But, none came. The workers at the scene did recover her body, indeed very badly burned. They identified her by her seat number and the remains of her badge they were able to recover from the compartment overhead. Her remains were sent back to LA to be buried.

Initially, Emily's parents had flown to LA intending to take her body home to New York to be buried. However, after meeting Matt, they had a change of heart. Though they had heard Emily speak of Matt many times, they had not actually met him. If the shell of man he had become was any indication of how deeply he felt for their daughter, it was love beyond a shadow of a doubt. Matt sadly told her parents that he loved their daughter with all of his heart and soul. If there would have been a way that he could have traded places with her, he gladly would have. Then he shared a secret with them. He told them of his plans to ask her to marry him when she got home. He even showed them the ring. It seemed appropriate, since Emily would never actually know. He wanted her parents to realize how deeply he loved their daughter and that hopefully, she had been happy in their relationship.

The Lehmans decided that Emily would truly want to be laid to rest in LA. She would want to be close to Matt. And, more than that, they could see how desperately Matt needed her to be where he could visit with her. Never could either of her parents recall ever seeing someone more full of sorrow. He completely broke down at the funeral. Crying freely for the future that they would never have, for all that was taken from his life.

For their part, his friends just tried to be supportive of him, as well as each other. Frank especially, was a huge support for Matt. He came by to check on him almost every night in the beginning. It was during one of these visits that he stumbled on how deeply affected Matt was by the loss of Emily. Though Frank felt certain that Matt was truly in love with Emily, he never guessed the despair and hopelessness that Matt was feeling. Stopping by for a nightly check, he knocked on Matt's door. After repeated attempts at knocking led to no avail, Frank decided to use the hidden spare key to check on Matt. He knew that he must be home since his Mustang was in the driveway. Upon entering the house, he was greeted by the sight of Matt sitting on the couch. A half empty bottle of Vodka and his gun were sitting on the coffee table. Matt sat staring blankly at the gun.

It became clear to Frank that his friend had hit rock bottom. He had spent that night with his friend, talking to him, reminding him of what Emily would want him to do with his life and how disappointed she'd be if he did what he was thinking about. It was then that Matt shared with Frank that he had planned on proposing to Emily. He retrieved the ring from its drawer by his bed and showed it to his friend. For his part, Frank knew that his friend was truly in love for the first time in his life. Sadly, it had ended all too soon. As his friend, he could only support him the best he could.

Matt had already decided that he couldn't return the ring to the jewelry store. That ring was to be Emily's. If he returned it, it would end up on someone else's finger. A symbol of his love for her that would be tarnished forever and lose its meaning if he took it back. He couldn't bear to do that. He had briefly thought of burying it with her. Though, that didn't seem right either, since he'd never actually given it to her. However, in his heart, he was as in love with and dedicated to her as if they had been married for yours. He couldn't help but wonder though, if Emily knew how deeply he cared for her when she died. He fervently hoped so.

The night Frank had found Matt staring at his gun seemed to be somewhat of a turning point for Matt. He still missed Emily greatly, and no one would ever make the mistake of calling him happy, but, he did seem more resigned to the fact that she was gone. He knew that he had to find a way to move on with his life. For the time being, he was taking it one step at a time. He dreamed of her nightly. He physically felt the ache of loneliness as he sat at his desk and stared at paperwork. He hadn't negotiated a case since that fateful day months ago. He had regular visits with the Bureau psychologist, only to make Cheryl happy. He continued to be without a partner until the shrink would clear him to resume his normal duties. He was almost entirely caught up on paperwork, something that had not been the case since he started with the bureau. He was going through the motions of life, without actually living it seemed.

His friends had truly become his family over the past few months. They were closer now than they had ever been. Each looking out for all of the others, but especially Matt. They spent the Thanksgiving holiday at Cheryl's together. It never occurred to any of them that they would spend the holiday with anyone else. They needed to be together. They were thankful they had each other. Yet, Matt had difficulty feeling thankful, without Emily.

Thanksgiving only started off the holiday season. Everyone around the CNU seemed to be enjoying the proverbial goodwill that accompanies the onset of the Christmas season. Shopping, decorating, parties…they all seemed to brighten people's moods. Everyone's but Matt's that is. Frank and Duff tried to talk Matt into letting them set him up with a girl, someone that they could all go out and just hang out with at Sloan's. Matt had flatly refused each time, stating that he just wasn't ready to take that step yet. Privately, he wondered if he ever would be. Nevertheless, he thanked his friends for trying to get him to move on with his life. He knew, no matter how painful it was, that was all they were trying to do. Help him move on. Finding someone new for Matt to spend time with seemed like a good place to start to them. He didn't want them to give up on him. Hell, he needed them to keep pushing him. Maybe one day he'd be ready to take that next step.

I know things seem bad right now, but I'll make them better...I promise!

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