Istabella's Journal
9:30 Dragon Age
Month of Haring: 5th Day-Denerim's Royal Palace:
Grief. For most of this past year I have seen and felt nothing but grief during this accursed journey. Today we buried my love, my heart, my Alistair. In his honor Lel sang the elvish song she sung to all of us in camp after Zathrian's death in the Forest Temple. It was a moving and fitting tribute to my Alistair and his sacrifice. I do not think there was anyone in the crowd who was not crying. They all at the very least had watery eyes. He was entombed in his brother's armor, Duncan's shield and sword that I had given him. I had taken my reminders of him when I cleaned up his body in the Mourning room.
One bright spot in all of this is that my brother Fergus is alive and safe with me. He was my rock and support during the funeral procession. If it wasn't for my his support and love I think I would have fallen to pieces in hysterics. My beloved brother who was my rock even in our childhood. It made the bearing of my final farewell to Alistair much easier to withstand.
Zevran too stood at my side squeezing my hand supportively. I accepted the gesture but that was it. I am still not ready to talk to Zevran just yet as I am still miffed at him. I will go into detail later about the why and when of it.
There was a funeral feast held in Alistair's honor despite the state of Denerim's destruction. But I did not attend; I could not attend and face the looks of pity, the toasting to a life gone, and the words of comfort.
I spent most of the afternoon alone at his tomb in the Hall of Kings. I left orders with the guards that I was not to be disturbed no matter what. There in the torch darkened room filled with incense I wept and grieved.
When I was done emptying my soul out yet again, I left and ordered copious amounts of alcohol to be sent to my room. Is there such a thing as shedding too many tears?
Since then I have eaten nothing and drank enough alcohol that would have quite possibly knocked Oghren on his ass. He would be extremely proud of me. How I have the capacity to write my story is a mystery to me right now; let alone sitting up straight.
I have not written in a journal since fleeing Highever with Duncan and I only write these thoughts down because if I don't I will go mad. Which would result in me turning into "princess stabbity stab stab" as Alistair once called Leliana ages ago it seems. The events of my life over the past year make me feel like all this happened a lifetime ago.
My parents, my family home and all those who worked for the Cousland family were taken from almost a year ago. In fact when the eighteenth day of Wintermarch arrives it will be one year exactly. That night I lost my first love, Ser Rory Gilmore. My sparring partner, my friend, my confidante, my co-conspirator, and my red haired Knight who took my virginity one hot summer's night by the river.
I remember it well as if it was yesterday, even as I write in the drunken state I am in. The exquisite mix of pleasure and pain as he breached my girlhood barrier. But the pain was only temporary, and quickly replaced by a rich heat of desire and lust. Even now I can still feel my Rory on top of me and in me, how wonderful and complete I felt. The pleasure my body derived from our union had me screaming in ecstasy as he murmured loving words in my ear. We took our pleasure and love with each other whenever and wherever we could. In our everyday lives we lived as we always did; Rory as a respected knight and I the daughter of Teryn Bryce Cousland of Highever. But like all good things in a noble's life, duty and decision sometimes must come first before want and need.
Somehow my father knew about us and had pulled me aside one evening discreetly. I had to end it with Rory or he would send him away to his father's farm for good. I could not let Rory be disgraced like that and carry that shame the rest of his life. To defy my father would be selfish of me and Maker knows Rory did not deserve such censure. When Rory and I were alone next I told him that it had to end and that my father knew about us. Fortunately my father did not know just how far Rory and I had gone. So it was with great pain that we parted as lovers. Friends and battle mates we would always be but never again as lovers. Rory said he admired me for having to make such a hard decision at letting go of us. We spent that last night together in each other's arm weeping bitter tears at what could not be. My father however, I found out later, was not without sympathy towards my unhappiness. Rory and I never quite got over our having to part ways. At least we could live with the consolation that what we shared was special and rare and always would be. No one could take that away from us. But I cursed the unfairness and cruelty life could give a person.
Then in one night all I had known was destroyed by one man's greed and jealousy. Duncan, head of the Grey Wardens in Denerim, was visiting when all this took place. Rumors circulated that a Blight was rearing its ugly head again and he was on the search for new recruits. He had Rory in mind as a possible recruit and I was surprisingly happy for Rory. Then my happiness turned to sadness for if Rory left to join the Grey Wardens I might not ever see him again. That thought brought a horrible pain to my heart. But hope rose up in me just a little as I began to form a plan to get myself into the Grey Wardens. Then at least Rory and I could have a better chance of being together.
Howe was also at our castle with his soldiers. He and my father were to travel on the morrow with the rest of the Highever guard and Howe's soldiers to aid the king at Ostagar. Howe only had part of his force with him. He explained that because he waited so long that the rains were delaying the travel up by Amaranthine. I had never trusted Arl Rendon Howe in my life. I always found him to be a groveling, sneaky, ugly weasel of a man.
I can't say the same about his children though. Delilah and I were about the same age and got along very well. His older son Nathan or Nate I had met when I was a child of five. But I never saw him after that as he was sent to the Free Marches to be squired. Thomas was a few years younger than I was and quite handsome. Fortunately the Howe children took after their dark haired mother.
But for some reason that day I felt uneasy after the talk I had with my father when he put me in charge of the castle. Howe's evasiveness when I asked him questions about his soldiers, how many were delayed and when they could be expected made my uneasiness worse. Something did not fit right or maybe it was just the chaotic air of people scrambling to get ready to go fight in such a short amount of time.
For the most part I was able to push aside my uneasiness and enjoy a family dinner with our guests. Dinner also included Lady Landra, Bann Loren's wife, her son Dairren and maid in waiting Iona. I remembered Lady Landra from the spring salon the year before. She had gotten so drunk on fruit champagne that she had attempted to marry me off to several eligible men there. One of these men included her son Dairren who was about my age. Dairren was a sweet boy growing up and just an all around nice person as man. He enjoyed philosophy and scholarly pursuits more than the art of war. As luck would have it, Lady Landra made sure that Dairren and I sat next to each other at dinner.
We knew what she was about and could only sigh and roll our eyes. I had no interest in him both romantically and sexually. Ever since Rory and I had to stop seeing each other I had no desire to bring any man to my bed. But though we weren't the least bit interested in marriage, Dairren attempted to warm me up and worm his way into my bed. I politely refused him and went off to our family's private quarters.
Fergus had left earlier that day so I checked on Oriana and Oren. My sister-in- law was trying to get him settled in for the night. But to no avail he kept running around with a mock sword and shield brandishing it wildly. Unable to resist I went and got my own wood practice set and ran into the room brandishing my sword.
Squealing with delight he chased me out into the large anteroom that flanked my bedroom, Fergus's and my parents. We clacked and clattered our swords for a time as I taught him how to wield one properly. After a lengthy session of sword instruction he promptly burst into a game of kill the dragon. Me of course being the dragon, him being the valiant knight who would slay the vile beast with his sword of truthiness. He asked if I could saddle up Drake, my Mabari hound, and use him as a horse. Oriana rolled her eyes and groaned while I hooted with laughter. Apparently Drake found all this amusing as he jumped around barking with excitement trying to smother Oren's face with dog kisses. Pulling my hound off Oren I cleaned him up and went to help Oriana get him into bed. It did not take Oren long to pass out and with a good night to Oriana I retired to bed myself.
Later that night the fires of hell broke loose in our castle. My hound woke me up first with his barking. I could hear shouts and screaming coming from outside my door. I threw the covers off and by weak firelight I dawned on my father's silverite armor. He had given it to me when I won the warrior tourney a few years back. I quickly belted on my daggers and short sword to my waist. I pulled down my favorite long sword, a gift from Rory, and my trusty shield.
The moment I opened the door a soldier dressed in Howe's signature armor kicked it the rest of the way in. The force of the impact sent me flying back against my bed. If it had not been for my hound Drake the man would have been right on top of me. Drake lunged at the soldier, knocking him to the ground and bit him in the throat. Then my hound went for the archer that was shooting at me. The first soldier was on the ground gagging and bleeding out. I shoved my sword into his throat and twisted it. I could feel his neck snap and then he was gagging no more.
I looked up to see Drake brutally tearing at the archer. I let my dog have his way and rushed towards my mother's room. Three men were banging and kicking at my parents' room. I could hear her loud curses and taunts she threw at the men. I could not help but smile a bit. My mother tended to be a dutiful, proper noble woman and conduct herself as a teryna should. But get her mad like this and she could spout cuss words that could rival with a drunken sailor.
I whistled to Drake and we set ourselves upon the three soldiers immediately. The fight did not last long. I ran to mother's door calling out for her and father. But only she came out.
"Where's your father? Have you seen your father?" she asked in a worried voice.
I shook my head, "No. I was in my room all night. You don't think…."
My mother shook her head as well. "I don't know. But what is going on? Those are Howe's men. Why are they attacking us?"
I did not know but I remembered the funny way Howe was acting when we were talking with my father and Duncan. I told my mother this and her face grew hard and angry.
"He means to murder us all! He has betrayed our family. That lying bastard! I'll cut his throat myself," my mother said running back into the room and equipping her bow and a quiver full of arrows.
"Quickly we need to find your father and get out here," she said grasping my arm and pulling me along.
"What about Oren and Oriana? We need to find them first," I said pulling her towards my brother's rooms.
"Sweet Maker, what if they got them first," Mother said panicking as we broke into a run.
Drake was faster and got into the room first. Sure enough when we entered both Oren and Oriana were dead. Neither one was trained to defend themselves nor did they have a chance when the soldiers got to them. Drake sat on his haunches and howled mournfully for them.
My mother gathered Oren in her arms and wept. I went to Oriana and took her wedding ring and the wedding necklace she always wore. For some reason the soldiers did not take these off of her. I was glad as I knew Fergus would want these as keepsakes.
I went over to my mother with tears of sorrow and hate falling down my face. I pulled mother away from Oren and we vented our grief on every Howe soldier. We went to the treasury first pulling out the family sword and shield with the Cousland crest. We gathered everything and anything that was valuable and loaded it into a pack I was carrying. I secured the pack to my shoulders so it rested on my back. My mother strapped my shield over the pack to hide it and sheathed my sword on my back. I took the Cousland sword and shield ready to spill more blood.
Getting out of the treasury room proved to be a bit tougher; we were set upon by five soldiers and one of Howe's knights who swung a nasty maul. I gave the knight a rousing good fight that eventually ended up with me beheading him. I helped my mother finish off the remaining men and we went back in search of father.
Along the way we had picked up two of our private guard. The closer we got to the main hall and entrance the heavier and thicker the fighting got. We slaughtered and cleaned out every room we came across. Finally we made it to the Great Hall and the scene was absolute chaos.
A large group of Howe's men were fighting ours and Howe had brought along a blasted mage. How the hell did he manage to keep one? Mother hung back and took out the mage with three perfectly timed shots. I fought my way to Rory's side and together we plowed through Howe's men hacking and slashing. We timed our attacks perfectly while guarding each other's backs just as we had done in training. Finally, with only a few losses on our side, all the enemy men were dead. Those Cousland guards that remained quickly began throw furniture up against the main doors. The large beam across the doors that prevented it from opening was getting weak with each slam of the battering ram.
"Your ladyship, my lady thank the Maker you all right," Rory said moving us away from the main door to a side door that led to the kitchens and privies.
"Have you seen Bryce, Roland?" my mother asked in worried tone.
"Last time I saw him he went looking for you. When he did not see you anywhere he went to the larder and the servants exit. I think he figured you soon be there if you were not already. Please my ladies get out of the castle and run! Howe's men will break through any minute. That door is not going to hold!" Rory said herding us towards the side door.
I stood my ground saying, "I am not going anywhere. I am not leaving Rory. Mother I want you to take three guards and go find father. Drake and I will stay here and help defend the Hall while you two escape."
Mother shook her head at me and pulled on my arm. "No! You are getting out of this castle alive with us. I already have your brother gone to Ostagar; I will not lose my daughter."
Rory then looked at me with sorrow and regret. He knew exactly why I wanted to stay and he was not going to allow it. He stepped forward and put his hands on my shoulders.
"Go with the teyrna, my lady. You and your parents would be a prize for Howe to do with as the likes. The castle is lost as are most of us. Go, run to safety," Rory said looking into my eyes.
His green eyes so mesmerizing and deep, pleaded me to go. I shook my head while biting back a sob. "I am not leaving you! I can't leave you! I would rather die by your side fighting to protect you and my home."
A loud bang and the splinter of wood made us jump. Rory cursed and turned to the door. It was not holding and in a few short minutes the Hall would be swarmed. My mother grasped my arm hard and tried to pull me away. "We have to leave now Istabella! We have to get to your father and get out of here!" she said in a stern and angry voice.
If I had my choice I would have stood there and argued the reasons I should and would stay. But there was not time for the situation was growing dire and more urgent. I did not want to leave Rory to his fate but I desperately wanted to find my father.
Rory pushed us towards the side door taking off his ring as he did so. He put the ring in my hand. He put his hand to my face saying, "Take this as a keepsake and remember me my love. We will see each other again whether it be in this world or the next."
I kissed him then, hard and passionate in front of my astonished mother. I did not care anymore. I did not care who knew or saw, all that mattered was after so many years I was able to touch and kiss him one last time. He returned my kiss and then wrapped me in his arms.
The sound of the door beginning to give way jolted us apart. Mother grabbed my arm and pulled me along telling Rory that she hoped the Maker watched over him. He responded in kind as he watched us leave for a few seconds before turning his back and running into the Hall. That was the last I ever saw of my Ser Rory Gilmore, my Knight in shining armor.
As we ran mother and I did not speak but I could tell she was clearly upset. It mattered not to me how she felt right now. I focused on looking through all the rooms on the way to kitchen and larder. We found them empty and fortunately we ran into little opposition in this part of the castle.
Finally we reached the kitchen relieved to see it empty of enemy guards and ran into the larder. It was dark and we had a hard time seeing but finally in a corner we saw a flicker of light from a low burning lamp. The sound of ragged breathing was coming from that corner and my heart froze. I turned to Drake and ordered him to guard the door for us.
We went to the corner and in the dim light saw my father on the ground clutching his side. I knelt down and turned the oil lamp up on full and saw blood- lots of blood- staining his clothing.
"There you both are," he said in a shaky voice trying to smile but a grimace crossed his features instead.
"Bryce! We looked all over you! What happened? How bad are you hurt?" Mother asked in a panicky voice trying to get at the wound.
She uncovered it and we saw that is was a short but deep gash that had sliced through muscle. But it bled, oh how that wound bled! I took my knife and began ripping the bottom of my tunic that had come out of my armor. The little I could get was not enough to staunch the blood so my mother emptied out several flour sacks. She handed them to me and I placed them over the wound.
"Several of Howe's guards ambushed me. Nearly did me in right there in the hallway. If it was not for Duncan coming to my aid I would already be dead," father said as he coughed and spat out blood.
I knew this was not good as his lungs were starting to fill with blood. I had some training in herbal healing and how to recognize which wounds were not fatal and those that were. I took a clean cloth and wiped my father's mouth.
"Pup, you, Drake and your mother must get out of here and get to safety. Word must be sent to Fergus at Ostagar about what happened. Duncan can you help my family?" my father asked in a ragged voice.
I looked over my shoulder to see Duncan strolling in, sheathing a bloody sword into the scabbard on his back. "I can, your lordship but if I am to do so we must leave quickly. Howe's men have almost broken through as we speak."
"You are Duncan then, the Grey Warden?" mother asked applying a poultice I had made to my father's wound.
"Yes, I managed to get your husband to safety after his ambush. The teyrn was looking for you and so I was," Duncan said looking at my mother then me.
"My daughter got us here, thank the Maker," my mother said smiling at me.
"I am not surprised. Your daughter is a formidable girl and a strong one at that," Duncan said looking me over appraisingly.
For some reason I felt irked. I was a grown woman and not a girl thank you very much. I brushed aside his comment and asked if he could help us.
He said he would be able to get my mother and I out but not my father. He was losing too much blood and could barely stand up let alone run.
"Duncan take my wife and daughter to Ostagar, I beg you," my father pleaded.
Duncan was nodding. "I will but I must ask for something in return. The Blight drove me here seeking recruits and I must leave with one." Duncan looked directly at me.
My father looked back and forth between us and agreed. I shook my head vigorously. "Oh no! I am not leaving you here to die. If you can't move I will stay with you. I am not leaving you at Howe's hands."
"I will stay here and defend us Istabella. Go with Duncan," Mother said firmly while cradling my father's head.
"Absolutely not! I am sorry Duncan but I cannot go with you, find someone else to recruit but it will not be me. My duty is to my family and my home. I will die here defending it," I said defiantly.
"Then I have no choice but to conscript you into the Grey Wardens. For your own safety as well as for the preservation of your life. We Wardens have the right to conscript as necessary," Duncan said firmly but not unkindly.
I felt my father grasp my hand, "Please Pup, go with Duncan and warn your brother. He has to know what happened here. Someone has to tell him about Oren and Oriana. Please do this for me."
My father looked at me with those cerulean blue eyes of his and found that I could not refuse. I would do almost anything for my beloved father. As hard as it was to leave them I gave in to him and nodded my acceptance. I turned to Duncan saying, "I am only agreeing to this because of my father, just so you know. If I had my way, conscription or no conscription, you would be leaving without me and I would remain here." He seemed rather unaffected by my words and I wondered how many times he had heard this before.
A loud thunderous crash sounded down the hallway and the shouts of men followed. I knew men were storming through the main hall and preparing to head this way. I sent a silent prayer for Rory to somehow make it out alive.
"They have broken through we must leave now," Duncan urged putting a hand on my shoulder.
I shook it off and embraced my parents. "I love you both so much!" I said sobbing. Drake began to growl and bark at the door as the shouts of men came closer. I looked reluctantly at my parents huddled together. I couldn't believe I was abandoning them like this. My place was here but Duncan pulled me away.
I whistled to Drake who came bounding after me. I took one last look at my parents then ran down into darkness.
I will continue my story another day. As I sit at my desk I can tell that dawn is not far off and I have had too little sleep these past days. Perhaps tonight the nightmares will themselves sleep peacefully and not haunt my dreams.