Author's Note: First off, I'd like to thank everybody who is reading out there – you guys are awesome! I've gotten tons of positive feedback – but of course, if you have anything you'd like to comment on, feel free! The more I think about it, the more changes I'd like to make to the original story – nothing too drastic, but tweaks that affect the timeline and plots a bit. But I swear I won't do anything out of character. And if you have any suggestions, feel free to let me know! This was originally going to be about half the size, but I merged it with the third chapter. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have a chemistry final to study for!
Chapter 2 – Shut Up and Let Me Go
The drive to my mother's house was a fairly lengthy one – we New Yorkers rarely have to drive farther than 15 minutes to get anywhere – but one that flew by because I drove without thinking of the road. I watched it, certainly, but I was taking inventory in my mind of what I needed to do before I left for Seattle. Hopefully, I wouldn't come back for awhile.
Obviously, I had to book a flight and a hotel room. Call the lawyer about starting divorce proceedings. Sell the practice. Get the essentials out of the brownstone. There wasn't really anything in the Hamptons I wanted – Addison and I only ventured there on the rare vacation. That was it – everything else could either wait or I could do in Seattle.
My mother still lived in the same little suburb of New York City – though with my sisters' and my help she now lived in a much nicer house. The old one was too small, and in shambles, and had too many memories of Dad. That was one of the benefits of having five children who are all doctors.
I still found it funny, as I clicked the garage door opener to her house, that she left half of her two-car garage empty, in case one of her children should show up. It was just her living in the house, but she didn't have a single possession occupying the other half of the garage. I eased the BMW into the wide open space, shut off the engine, and left my briefcase on the passenger side seat.
Carolyn Shepherd is the kind of person who gives all of her kids keys to the house and tells them never to knock on her door. We are always welcome in her house, no matter what time of day we happen to be stopping in. She also always has the guest bedroom set up. I call, of course, because I never truly feel comfortable just showing up, especially in the state I was in this night.
I had grabbed the duffel out of my trunk and entered the house– I was planning on using my mother's house as home base until I left for Seattle. Not that she knew I was leaving yet, of course, or why for that matter.
My mother was sitting in the kitchen, reading the Sunday Times and drinking a hot cup of tea. When she saw me enter she put both down and gave me a big hug.
"Oh, Derek, it feels like such a long time!" she said, her head buried in my chest, and not letting go. "When was the last time we all got together? Easter?"
Ah yes, Easter. That particular holiday was memorable – Addison and I had not spoken to each other the whole week, due to work, and were having a hard time presenting a united front as a couple in front of my mom and four sisters. They're the type to analyze every move you make – they all knew that our marriage was floundering.
"Well, I'm here now, Mom. You don't have any coffee brewing, do you?"
She looked up at me, beaming, and finally let go. "Of course, Derek, I always have coffee ready when you come. Hope you don't mind I tried a new variety this time – the package says it's vanilla biscotti."
I laughed. Even though she got plenty of financial support from the five of us, twenty years of raising five kids (six if you counted Mark) on a nurse's salary still had her buying store brand everything. "That's great, Mom. I could really use some."
"No offense, Der, but you look it. Now, would you like to tell me what's going on?" She poured the coffee into a mug Nancy had made in her high school ceramics class, and set it down in front of me.
I sighed deeply. "Addison cheated on me."
"Oh my God, Derek, I'm so sorry. I mean, I knew you two were having a tough time, but this?"
I couldn't help but smile a little. They were an intuitive bunch, the Shepherd women. Not much got past them.
"It was kind of a progression, you know? Ever since she finished the genetics fellowship and got her own practice, it's like we were just two people living in the same house. Well, except for the fact that she kept dragging me to her fundraising dinners every Saturday night." I made a face. My mother was the only one who knew how much I despised the obligations that came with being wealthy in New York. Addison was born for the part, and my sisters fell into the role quite easily, too, but it had never been one I was truly comfortable in.
"'Were', Derek? You're using the past tense. You're not going to try to make it work? That's not like you," she said, raising one eyebrow. Like I said, she picks up on even the slightest hints.
"What's the point? She never tried to talk with me. She just let things keep going like they were until I come home one night and find Mark in our bed."
"Wait, she slept with MARK?" My mother was astonished. Mark's family had never been really available, so during our youth he spent much of the time at our house. Mom claimed to "practically raise him".
"C'mon, Mom, it's not like we didn't know he had a reputation for sleeping with inappropriate women."
"But still…oh, Derek. She probably just needed someone to turn to and Mark took advantage. You know how he is. You can't hold Addison responsible for this. You need to give her a second chance."
"…I can't. I look at her, and I get so angry. She talks to me, and I get sick. I can't even be in the same room with her. How can I give her a second chance if I can't even tolerate her presence?"
"It will get better. You just need to work at it."
"Mom!" I shouted, standing out of the chair. "Don't you defend her! Addison's a grown woman. She had every ability to tell him to stop, to get the hell out! And when I walked in there…she looked pretty responsible." I spat out the last words.
I fell back into the chair, cradling my head in my hands. I had been trying so hard not to imagine the actual scene I had witnessed. I had tried to just be mad at Addison, to try and forget exactly why I was so mad at her. But I couldn't defend her. No one could. She brought this upon herself.
"I see." My mother was quiet, and looked me right in the eyes.
"I'm sorry, Mom, it's just that…I'm not sure I wantit to work. Maybe this is a sign. We weren't talking at all. Maybe it's not supposed to work. I think it's a sign that it's over…but of course, Addison's feeling so sorry for herself right now she can't see that."
"Well, I still think you should try," she qualified. "But if it's not what you want, I have to support that."
We sat silent there for a few moments. She finished her tea and brought it to the sink, and then sat back down. She returned her eyes right to mine. She has a way of looking straight through your words, and at your eyes. She always said the truth is in the eyes.
"So, what are you going to do?" It was the question I had been waiting for.
"Well, Richard called earlier, actually."
"Dr. Webber? Oh, how is he? I haven't seen him in the longest time." Her voice had immediately brightened. My mother had nurtured a bit of a crush on my old resident, and while he was still in New York, he and his wife Adele had been over for dinner at her house a few times.
"Actually, he moved back to Seattle. He's now Chief of Surgery at one of the top hospitals in the country – and he wants me to come and be his Head of Neurosurgery."
She had been smiling and nodding, happy for him, until I got to the part where I was moving to Seattle. Her face fell.
"Seattle? So far away…you aren't seriously considering?"
"Mom, I need to get away. Addison's here, Mark's here. I've been spending the last three days looking for a reason to leave. Richard's given me that reason."
"But what about your life here?" She looked at me with pain in her eyes. I felt for her – none of us had ever lived far from my mother for longer than it took to finish college.
"Mom, I'm not trying to make you suffer. But I am suffering here. I need to be far away from here. And the private practice was getting boring. A hospital will be a much better use of my talent." I grinned, trying to lighten the mood. It didn't work.
"But do you really have to make a transcontinental move to do that?"
"Did I mention there's a $2 million contract?"
"You make more than that now."
"It's not about the money. It's about starting fresh, going somewhere where no one knows that my wife cheated on me with my best friend. It's about being somewhere where I don't have to be angry every day because everything reminds me of Addison."
I finished my coffee, and she whisked the mug away to the sink. I don't know where they got the biscotti from – it was just coffee with vanilla extract. I hoped she hadn't paid more because it was a "premium blend".
She sat back down. I was beginning to think the trips to the sink were just excuses to mull my words over.
"Well, I wish you wouldn't. But, again, if it's what you feel you need to do, then do it. You don't deserve to suffer."
"Thanks, Mom." I stood up and hugged her.
"But you have to promise to come back for Christmas. And your sisters and I get to visit you."
I rolled my eyes. "Of course, Mom."
"You should really get to bed, Der."
"Mom, it's 9 o'clock. I haven't gone to bed at 9 since I was 8."
"You look like you haven't been sleeping well."
I shifted uncomfortably. "I've been sleeping in the guest bedroom."
"The one with the uncomfortable mattress?" Mom had stayed in that bedroom a number of times.
"Yeah, that's the one. I can't sleep in the master bedroom…it's where it happened."
Her eyes got very wide. "Oh…of course. Yes. Well, I assure you my mattress is very comfortable," she said, awkwardly.
"It always is, Mom. Good night." I kissed her on the cheek and threw the duffel bag over my shoulder.
"And make sure you brush your teeth!" she called up after me.
Rolling my eyes, I tossed the duffel onto the admittedly comfortable mattress and got out my toothbrush.
The rest of the week flew by – my days were full, as I had a lot of arrangements to make before I flew to Seattle on Thursday afternoon. I would be staying in the nicest hotel in Seattle, The Archfield, but I hoped I could find somewhere to live before too long. I didn't think it was possible to live in a hotel long-term.
I made arrangements with my lawyer to sell the practice. It wouldn't be too hard for a practice with such an established reputation and a horde of wealthy clients to sell for a decent amount of money. I made a clause in the selling agreement that whoever took over had to either retain my two other doctors or provide them with a nice severance package. I couldn't allow Drs. Pearson and Woodward to be thrown out just because I had to get the hell out of New York.
As for the divorce proceedings, I ended up putting them on hold. For one thing, Addison would not come into the office with me, and for another, it seemed too soon. Yes, I was moving across the country, but divorce was permanent. My sisters and mother encouraged me to cool down in Seattle before I did anything drastic. Not that my sisters supported my choice – my sister, Nancy, an OB/GYN who, due to her profession, had always gotten on best with Addison, encouraged me to give her a second chance, and stay in New York to see how things went. Pamela and Candace didn't directly oppose my decision, but thought it was hasty and that I'd regret it. Kathleen, the psychiatrist in the family, told me that as a psychiatrist she thought I was doing the right thing, by distancing myself from the situation and trying new things to see if a life with Addison would be better for me. But, she followed, as my sister, she thought I didn't need to go so far away, and that it would be really tough on Mom. None of us had ever lived more than two hours away from her house longer than it took to go to school – I was going to be living in a different time zone.
Addison had obviously picked up on the fact that I didn't want to hear from her – Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday had all passed without hearing a word from her. On Wednesday night, though, I decided it was time to go back to the brownstone to pick up my belongings to bring to Seattle with me. I knew this would mean a confrontation with Addison; it was her last chance to stop me, her last chance to beg me to come home. I had no doubt that Nancy was keeping her informed of my every move – that I was selling the practice, making plans. If Addison wanted the marriage to work as much as she said she did, I could be sure I'd meet resistance on that last night.
As I drove out to Manhattan for what I hoped to be the last time for awhile, I tried to prepare myself mentally for what Addison would try to do. I didn't think she'd sob or beg this time – that had been in the heat of the moment. More likely, she'd ask me earnestly if this was really what I wanted. She'd ask one more time if we could try to make it work. She'd apologize sincerely, once again, for good measure. And I would politely deny her every time.
I pulled up to the house and parked in front of a parking meter. I put in four quarters, knowing that would be way more time than I needed. I walked in the front door and aimed straight for the stairs.
I pulled out my two travelling suitcases from the walk-in. All of my toiletries, pajamas, and important casual clothes were in my duffel back at my mother's house. This time, I pulled out suits and ties, polar fleeces and heavy jackets (apparently it gets cold in Seattle), nice shoes and hiking boots. I had already retrieved my diploma from Columbia from my office – I pulled down the one from Bowdoin as well. Books, CDs, DVDs, the photo album Pamela made me as a high school graduation present, my guitar, the picture of my mother I kept on my desk in the study – all went in.
I looked around. Everything else in the house had been Addison's contribution. The posh furniture, abstract and meaningless art, books about nothing in particular. Everything I had in my suitcase – those were the only real pieces of me in the house. The rest was a testament to Addison and her tastes. Tastes that Mark would be more at home with than I was. Another reason I couldn't live here anymore.
Sure enough, as I brought the suitcases down stairs, Addison stood at the bottom of the steps. Her eyes were red, but she didn't appear to have lost it. When I reached the bottom, I put the suitcases down, sat on the bottom step, and prepared to hear her out.
"So you're really leaving," she said. It wasn't a question, but a statement. She was resigned to it. Nancy clearly had her well-informed of my movements.
"Yes," I said, quietly, calmly. "I think it's better this way – we'll both have time to breathe."
"I didn't want this," she half-whispered. She looked at me, unshed tears glistening in her eyes. "I really don't know how it happened, Derek."
I sighed. When was she going to understand that I didn't care how it happened? But I didn't want to leave her like that. "I know," I said, in the same tone. "I wish that were enough for me."
"Well, I'm not going to stop you," she said, blinking back the tears. "But I do hope you'll come back – eventually. I know I haven't made this a place for you to come back to…but I'm working on that."
"That's good," I said, standing up. Addison leaned in for a hug, but I bent down to pick up the suitcases. I couldn't touch her right now. "Goodbye, Addison."
"Goodbye, Derek," she said, her voice breaking. She held the door open for me as I carried my belongings out to the BMW.
I loaded the baggage into the trunk and got into the driver's seat, turning the ignition. I shifted into drive, and shot one last look back at the place I had called home for the last three years. Addison sat, looking dejected, on the front step. As I pulled away, I saw her eyes follow the progress of the car in the rearview mirror.
Author's Note: I'm not sure if Derek's mother came across the way I wanted her to. I want her to look pretty affectionate, but a force to be reckoned with when it comes to her children. She might not have initially liked Addison a whole lot, but now she wonders if Derek's making a huge mistake. Just to clarify.
I'm trying to get to Meredith as quickly as possible without rushing the self-exploration that leads Derek to finding her. Please bear with me!