"One of my ambitions having learned of your methods of deduction all those years back, was to prove to you that such methods were not infallible. I had attempted this by putting you to the test many times, but always you triumphed. Another singular thing I had noticed was that, for whatever reason, you were extremely adverse to acknowledging special occasions.
"It took three years for me just to find out the date of your birthday, and even then I had to find it out for myself by means of deduction. You foolishly bought yourself a new outfit two days after bemoaning a lack of funds. I knew that you had not received any mail that morning, nor the evening on which you had been complaining. It had to have been the day in between. You must have been given money, but why? I searched through the bins and found the envelope with the postal stamp and return address on. Mycroft had sent you a cheque. Now up until then you had never asked for money from anyone, even when the situation was dire. Therefore the money was a gift, and it being just after Christmas, and knowing that Mycroft and you had exchanged gifts at Christmas, I felt almost certain that the occasion had been your birthday. This was confirmed by your passport, which you keep in the same safe as my cheque book.
"No doubt you felt you were more vulnerable when you advertised personal details. Nevertheless a tradition of sorts began to take shape. Year in, year out Mrs Hudson would make you duck for supper and wish you many happy returns. You would acknowledge her with that singular gentle and charming manner you reserve for women. I would present you with a new pipe and you would wring me by the hand. It was gratifying to me that you kept every pipe I gave you and have since smoked them according to your moods.
"Year after year this never changed, and you expressed a wish for it to continue as such. However it was always my ambition to surprise you. The first time I attempted it, your thirtieth, I seem to remember you traced my footsteps and cigarette ash to the cake shop and back, subsequently found the banana cake and ate it within the space of one night, whilst puzzling over the complicated case of the prize heifer in the outhouse. Doubtless you enjoyed the cake enormously but its loss left no alternative but the usual birthday un-ceremony.
"The second time I tried to surprise you was your thirty-third birthday. I involved Mrs Hudson this time. We tried between us to lure you to a small but tasteful restaurant, there to have dinner and see some violinist who was in the area and whose sister you had helped in a case of fraud. Again you figured it out, wired the violinist, enjoyed an excellent afternoon at a concert and malingered for the rest of the evening, making a miraculous recovery to undergo the usual birthday ceremony.
"We gave up for some years after that, and your death put a stop to our games. For those three years, on your birthday, Mrs Hudson and I would meet in the rooms, share a cold supper and reminisce fondly about you. You were sorely missed to an extent that I suspect you cannot, even now, fully understand. Of course, when you returned our first thought was not about your birthday but about aiding you in ensuring your own personal safety.
"This year – your fortieth – a momentous age – unfortunately came and went before your miraculous resurrection from the dead, which is why I thought a party in July would be a fitting substitute; a combined event to wish you many happy returns and to welcome you home. I thought it best to wait until July for many reasons: It would serve as a nice healthy day in the country, it would ensure your enemies had finally been well and truly defeated and you could celebrate without a care in the world, and finally the element of surprise would certainly be there!
"Having been foiled so many times by you in the past I decided to consult someone who not only knows you well but understands, better than anyone, your powers of deduction. I went to Mr Mycroft Holmes. Yes indeed, I went to his home, knocked him up and discussed the situation with him. It was his suggestion that I bring Mrs Hudson along and we discuss it over lunch. You have, my dear fellow, an extremely useful and appreciated habit of letting me know where you are going and the earliest time at which you expect to be back. On the first day that you were away Mrs Hudson and I wired ahead to Mycroft – if you will excuse the informality of me referring to you by your Christian name to avoid confusion – and he received us to talk about the problem in hand.
" "Sherlock has concentrated powers of analysis, observation and deduction it is true," said he, "but they are weaker than mine, for the simple reason that he has basic gaps in his knowledge that he cannot, nay, will not, supplement. He was always very stubborn, was Sherlock. What he did not believe to be interesting or relevant to his cause he would never take the trouble to learn about. I, on the other hand, practise omniscience and it has served me extremely well. It is only now that he is beginning to come around to my point of view, having watched me solve several of the cases he failed to explain. However he still has four main areas of weakness and if you wish to surprise him, you must utilise these.
" "Number one: Sherlock understands next to nothing of women. If I am honest I would say that I think he is a little afraid of them. I have never yet seen him get the better of one; he always either shields them, upholds them, is outwitted by them, or exposes them through indirect means. Whilst he can get a good picture of the ways of a household very quickly (and this serves him well for his investigations), he struggles to pin down routine in women. Therefore, Mrs Hudson, you are an invaluable asset in any planned surprise. He will not trouble to track your movements.
" "Numbers two and three combined: Sherlock does not believe you can act against your nature or deceive anyone, Dr Watson. He also understands nothing of sport. In sport at least you have the upper hand, and I can help you to act convincingly wherever and whenever you need. Playing sport is an excellent way of covering your own tracks and as to the acting, I know my brother well enough that I can plan for the things he will do if he becomes suspicious. I will coach you in what to say in every eventuality for each stage of the plan.
" "Finally number four: Sherlock takes it absolutely for granted that my routine never changes. He will never suspect that I have a hand in this. I extremely dislike disrupting my routine – but I must also admit I am nearly as keen as you to see that brother of mine surprised by something as trivial as a party! It tickles me."
By this time we had finished our lunch. Idle chat is not something Mycroft excels in, so after receiving our orders we took a cab back to Baker street, full of inspiration and motivation.