Chapter Two: Don't Be A Grinch

Kate

The meeting room is a special place in the Akatsuki hideout. No one enters it without Leader's permission. We use it for special occasion – when Leader has something important to announce. Basically the room has simple wood walls and no decorations. Leader and Konan sit behind a desk at the front of the room while the rest of us sit in chair which form a circle.

The afternoon after my fifty-fourth pancake fiasco (I was sure we would actually get to eat the pancakes this time), Leader called a meeting and we all filed into the room – anyone who was late would find himself missing all his fingers and toes the next morning.

"Are we all here?" asked Leader, straightening a pile of papers on his desk.

I glanced around the room. Just to give you a summary of the situation, the seating order went like this, starting with Leader's right: Itachi, Kisame, me, Tobi, Deidara, Sasori, Dessie, Hidan, Kakuzu, Hannah, Zetsu, and then Konan. We had to make sure to keep Tobi far away from Dessie and Kakuzu (the coffee shortage was still fresh in their minds).

"All here," said Kisame.

"Good. I don't have to decapitate anyone." Leader didn't look nearly as relieved as he ought to. He straightened up and stared at us all with the upmost severity. "We have a problem."

"Don't we always?" asked Dessie.

Leader decided to ignore her. "Ever since we have returned from Seanova, I've found that our fear ratings have dropped significantly."

"Well, yeah," said Deidara. "We weren't here to cause terror and destruction, uhn. I can fix that in an hour."

"Bang and Drop?" asked Dessie.

"Hell yeah, uhn."

"A simple Bang and Drop on a minor village won't help us," said Leader grimly. "We need to make these people tremble with nightmare inducing fear. We need them to wet themselves whenever the name 'Akatsuki' is mentioned."

"That never happened before we went away," said Kakuzu. "Why would it happen now?"

"Because, I have a plan," said Leader.

"We're listening."

"You are going to kidnap the Nine-Tails jinchuriki."

"Not this again," said Hidan. "We've tried this time and time again – they have our plan mapped out by now."

Leader gritted his teeth. "This is not a negotiation. You will attack Konoha. You will kidnap the Nine-Tails jinchuriki. And you will invoke terror in all their hearts."

There was a collective muttering amongst the Akatsuki, but we all nodded begrudgingly in the end.

"Good. And you'll be doing it on Christmas Day."

"What!"

Dessie, Deidara, and Hidan leapt to their feet in outrage.

"You can't do that, uhn!"

"That's monstrous!" cried Dessie. "We shouldn't have to work on Christmas! Don't be a Grinch, Leader!"

"It's a fucking holiday!" shouted Hidan. "Maybe not a Jashin approved holiday, but an awesome holiday anyways!"

"Presents!" cried Dessie. "Presents! Free gifts from other people…"

"Free?" asked Kakuzu.

"It's in the spirit of Christmas!" wailed Dessie.

"We can't miss a holiday that involves free stuff!" added Kakuzu. "Can't we just steal from an orphan boy on Christmas and call it a day?"

"No!" snapped Leader. "As evil as it is – stealing from an orphan boy on Christmas won't cut it. We need to ruin thousands of people's Christmases. We must obliterate Konoha and run off with their beloved jinchuriki."

"We could kick some puppies," said Dessie hopefully.

"No."

"Steal candy from a baby?"

"No."

"Murder Santa Claus after he brings us presents?"

"As diabolical and funny as that is – no."

"Kidnap a beautiful and kind woman who is beloved by her village, torment her, mutilate her, and then give her disfigured corpse back to her family?"

"What?" Leader sighed and massaged his temples. "I have made up my mind and no matter what you say, I will not change it."

"But we want a Christmas celebration, uhn!"

I nodded. "Christmas is supposed to be a happy and cheerful time of year when people come together and have fun – it's nice to build up our reputation of evil and terror, but we need to have a happy and cheerful bonding time every now and again."

Kisame grinned at me and elbowed me in the ribs (it hurt). "Nice speech."

"I do it for happy and cheerful bonding time."

"And this Christmas sex."

My face turned bright scarlet. "That wasn't what I was thinking about!"

"Sure…"

"I have an idea," said Konan.

Immediately Leader turned to listen (how come he pays attention to Konan and no one else!).

"What if we had our Christmas celebration on Christmas Eve and then went out and destroyed Konoha on Christmas Day?"

We all paused to think about it.

"Do we still get free presents?" asked Kakuzu.

"You know," said Hannah. "Even if you receive free presents, you still have to buy them as well."

"What? No one mentioned that part of Christmas!"

"We don't want to buy every individual person a present," said Zetsu.

"No," said Dessie. "You just want to buy Hannah a present and no one else."

"I don't mind that," said Hannah.

"I'm not getting you a present," said Kakuzu.

"I wasn't expecting one."

"What!" cried Konan, getting to her feet. "Kakuzu! You have to buy your girlfriend a Christmas present?"

"It's expensive."

"You can get her something from the two dollar shop," said Sasori.

"Too expensive."

"Why are you even dating Hannah then!" asked Konan. She turned to Hannah. "See, this is why you should date Deidara."

"I'm not getting her a present, uhn."

"Deidara!" cried Konan. "You have to fight!"

"I have an idea," I said, raising my hand into the air.

Everyone ignored me. Why am I not surprised?

"Hidan will get Dessie a present, at least!" cried Konan.

"Why the fuck would I do that?" asked Hidan. "I only buy presents for people who get me presents."

"I'm not getting you a present," said Dessie.

"Tobi wants presents! Tobi will buy everyone presents! So will Hidan get Tobi a present?"

"Tobi is the exception," said Hidan. "I'm never giving him a present!"

"I have an idea!" I said, my voice rising a little higher.

"Are you going to get anyone a present?" asked Konan.

Dessie paused – her eyes searching around the room. "Ah-ha! Itachi! I'll get Itachi a present!"

"Hn?"

"He said no!"

"You don't even know what he said!"

"I have an idea..."

"SHUT UP!"

Everyone paused and turned to stare. Kisame was standing up, his massive sword drawn over his head and ready to smashing down on the head of whoever spoke next. Everyone was silent. Sure that he had everyone's attention, Kisame sat back down and turned to me. "What were you going to say?"

I blinked. "Thanks… Um, I have an idea. We could draw names out of a hat and then get a present to whoever's name we draw. That way everyone gets a present, but no one has to buy multiple."

Everyone thought about it.

"But you can't say who you drew!" cried Dessie, hopping up and down excitedly. "It has to be a surprise!"

"Um, sure…"

Leader sighed. "As long as this meeting ends and everyone shuts up, I don't care."

Konan pulled out some paper (we don't know where she stores that stuff) and we set to the task of writing down everyone's names and putting them in a bowl that Tobi fetched from the kitchen. Then, the Akatsuki formed a line and each one drew a name.

Itachi went first, he picked up the name, looked and it, said, "Hn," and then walked away.

"What did that mean?" asked Sasori.

"Hn," said Kisame.

"Um…'

"It translates as hn. It doesn't have any meaning but is a sound of faint amusement and mockery."

"Oh."

Kisame was next in line. He pulled out a slip of paper, grinned, and waltzed away from the bowl, snickering with boyish excitement.

Then came Tobi. He clapped his hands eagerly before plunging his hand into the bowl and pulling out the name. He held the paper up close to his eye before opening it. He read the name. Giggled. Glanced around suspiciously. Then crumpled up the paper and snuck away, pretending that no one could see him.

"Well that was weird," said Dessie.

"Who do you think he drew?" I asked.

"No idea." Dessie shrugged. "I pity whoever he drew though."

"Probably you," said Hannah.

"Please Jashin no…"

Next up was Deidara. He glowered at the bowl as he pulled out a name. He read the paper silently and let out a gigantic groan.

"Who'd you get?" asked Kisame.

Deidara opened his mouth to reply, but Dessie sprinted across the room to tackled Deidara. "Don't tell him!"

"What?"

"It has to be a secret!" cried Dessie. "Secret!"

"Okay! Okay!" said Kisame. "I won't ask!"

"Good." Dessie hopped off Deidara and returned to her place in line.

Sasori drew next. He looked at his paper and – keeping his expression completely blank – walked away.

Then came Hidan. Dramatically, he thrust his hand into the bowl and yanked out a piece of paper. The bowl teetered nervously on the table, threatening to spill over. Konan caught the bowl to stop it. She glowered at Hidan, but he wasn't paying attention – he eyes focused on the name he had drawn.

"What the hell am I supposed to get you?" he asked the paper.

"Don't say!" screamed Dessie.

"I don't know a single fucking thing about you," Hidan told the paper as he walked out of the meeting room. "Jashin! This is why Christmas is a pain! Can people die of Christmas?"

"What's his problem?" asked Hannah.

Kakuzu drew the next name. He read the name, sighed, and walked away. Such an interesting reaction.

Then it was Zetsu's turn. He closed his eyes, thrust a hand into the bowl, and whispered over and over again: "Hannah-Hannah-Hannah-Hannah-Hannah-Hannah-Hannah-Hannah-Hannah-Hannah-Hannah-Hannah-Hannah-Hannah-Hannah-Hannh."

"Just pick one," said Hannah wearily. "My name might not even be in there anymore."

Zetsu pulled out a piece of paper and opened it carefully. "Aw, fuck." And then he walked away.

We stood there, watching him leave. Then I turned to Dessie and Hannah and said, "Have you ever heard Zetsu swear before?"

"Not to my memory," said Dessie. "Though I'm sure he has." She reached into the bowl and pulled out a name. She read it. Once. Twice. Three times. Then threw back her head and cackled. "Jackpot!"

"Who'd you draw?" I asked eagerly.

"Nuh-uh, I can't tell you," said Dessie. "It's a secret!"

Hannah pulled her name out and sighed. "You know the moment your back is turned they're all going to tell each other."

"No if I can help it!" cried Dessie.

Hannah read her name and sighed. "Well… It could be worse."

I chose one of the three remaining names and read my lucky choice carefully – Kisame. "Oh wow. That's perfect."

Konan pulled out the last two names and handed one to Leader and took one for herself. They read their names. Leader groaned while Konan made a face.

"I don't know what he likes," she muttered.

"Don't say!" cried Dessie. "Even a 'he' is too much information."

"The majority of the Akatsuki is male," said Hannah. "The odds are that she'll pick a guy."

"But now we all know she didn't pick one of us," said Dessie.

"Whatever."

Hannah crumpled up her paper and shoved it in her pockets. She headed for the exit and Dessie and I followed. Kisame met me at the door and we headed for the living room.

"Well," I said. "At least this will make for an interesting Christmas."

A/N: Writing this is weird simply because it's 100 degrees out and as far from Christmas as you can get. But hey - Fallen Angels Still Have Wings - bringing Christmas to you in the middle of summer because she can.

REVIEW! Or Leader will come and steal your Christmas! Grinch-Style!