2. The Phoenix does not catch flies
The council is assembled in the town hall, which actually is a small house in the middle of the village. And the council, actually, is me, Elliott, Mr Takei and Hikaru, skilled warrior as well as good engineer (the excellent defence given by the walls of the village largely is her credit).
"Time is running out. If Souther decides to come and take care of us personally, he'll butcher us without even crumpling his cape. Now that I've seen him in action, I know for sure."
Mr Takei is very old, maybe the oldest in the village, which makes him very wise. But very boring as well.
"Are you proposing to surrender?" he asks.
"Never!" Elliott shouts, exaggerating and dramatizing as usual. "We'll die fighting!"
"I'm thinking about a third option," I say. "I want to offer him an alliance."
"Why should he accept to ally with us, when he can simply destroy us?" Hikaru asks.
"You have a point. Sincerely, I hope my marked persuasion skills will come off the best."
"There's nothing funny, he's going to cut your throat before you can say a single word!" Elliott snorts.
"Assuming that you can get to Souther before his soldiers gun you down," Mr Takei piles on.
"Or worse!" Hikaru ends.
"Well guys, what can I say? Thank you for your support." I sigh. "I inform you that I already have a plan to get to him. And let's hope that his admiration for our 'work' is enough to persuade him at least to listen to me."
"Admiration?" Hikaru is incredulous. "He hates us. He'd butcher us all if he could! Actually, he already tried several times!"
"And yet it's true, he admires us," Mr Takey says. "His sadistic disposition surely is tickled by...ehm...Azusa and Elliott's unique taste."
"Well, since the taste for mutilations belongs to us both, we'll go together," Elliott says.
"No, no way," I answer. "The risk of dying is real this time, and you are the only one who can manage the village at the beginning, at least until you reorganize yourselves without me. You must stay here, that's all."
Elliott grinds his teeth, but doesn't complain any more. He has a soldier's soul, and soldiers carry out superiors' orders.
'The risk of dying is real', I said it myself...but only now I realize about the real implications. I don't want to die, I confess I'm afraid, or better still...I'm scared shitless. But I also want to see him again. I mean, I want to save my village. This is worth risking my life, right? Not seeing again a psycho with eyes as clear as ice...damn.
I'm not so sure it's a good idea any more, but by now that's it and I can't back down.
...
I've come back to Souther's city; Syrio is waiting for me outside the walls.
I wander the streets wrapped in a worn out cloak, trying to keep a low profile. If a group of soldiers attacked me, for sure I wouldn't be able to face them alone.
I want to study how Souther's men behave, searching for the weakest link. Many are sadistic psychos, but others are just cowards who sacrificed their conscience for board and lodging.
I stop at arm's length to watch a group of these gentlemen tormenting a poor old man. The man is unable to walk, and probably is starving, because the rogues promise him that they'll give him an apple if he manages to dance. The poor guy tries to stand at least on his knees, but he falls back to the ground at once. The soldiers burst into laughter, the one who has the apple waves it in his face, another one hits him, shouting he's only a lazy bones. But there is one who doesn't laugh as loud as the others, and does nothing against the old man. He looks out of place; and in fact, while the others keep on mortifying the poor thing, he walks away. He's my man.
I wait for him to be far enough from his comrades, then I follow him.
"Hi!" I tell him. And I lower down the cloak that hid my face and shoulders.
He starts, I clearly took him by surprise...it seems Souther is not that demanding regarding recruiting. Then, he turns to look at me, and his eyes almost pop out of his head.
"Uh...hi...?"
Fine, he's an evolutionary step below gibbon.
I glance down, trying to look shy and sheepish.
"You know...I've been aware of you for a while..."
The idiot's eyes open wide.
"You've been aware of me?" He seems incredulous, and with good reason. "I've never noticed you, instead."
I don't find it hard to believe, you idiot, you wouldn't notice a pole even if you had it up your...I make an effort to keep on smiling.
"Well, you know, I've finally found the nerve to talk to you because...I'd like to ask you..."
The moron hangs on my every word.
"I have such a big...desire..."
He pretty much starts drooling. Clearly he's not used to interact with a woman without assaulting her, kidnapping her children, slaying her husband, or other similar pleasantries.
"You know, I'd like so much to take a bath...a real bath, in a bathtub, with hot water..."
"Uh...uh..." The brute turns scarlet, then he sports a lustful smile that makes my flesh creep. "And if I took you in a place with a tub, would you bathe with me?"
There we go, the two neurons in his head have linked: he's managed to construct a single proper sentence. I just smile, curbing my instinct that suggests me to flee, puke or hit him with a shovel, at choice.
The boor by now is enthusiastic: "In the Imperial Palace there is a bathtub, just as you say..."
Close...
"...but it's in our great emperor Souther's room..."
...score.
"Oh, please, please, please..." I say, fluttering my eyelashes.
The sub-gibbon is very stupid, very excited or very brave (no, I'd rule out the third option), because he takes me there for real.
...
We walk through corridors and stairs and nobody stops us, some colleagues of my knight in shining armour's stare at us sneering. Clearly, it's normal for the soldiers to take here the unfortunate women they are going to mate with. Along the way the animal doesn't stop fondling me, and I avoid him as I can, leading him to believe that my reluctance is just a way to heat the mood up even more. Actually, I'd like to repeat my act with the knife and the twine around the scrotum.
Got to the door of the emperor's room, he assures me that his majesty is out for an inspection, and nobody will disturb us. We slip inside and pass by the bedroom to get to the bathroom. I can't keep myself from having a look around, and getting a little upset thinking this is his room.
We finally reach the famous bathtub. I take a deep breath, and try to reject thoughts about a certain blond emperor: I need all my concentration.
"Go first, start opening the water," I tell him, mischievous.
The moron is almost skipping out of excitement as he turns his back on me to accomplish.
And I take advantage of his position to take out the knife hidden in my left sleeve and plunge it in his back, aiming at his spine.
The tank collapses immediately, just in time to let me see in the mirror the Holy Emperor, who's seemingly ended his inspection in advance.
I come back from the inspection in a very bad mood; the works for the construction of my pyramid are slow, and even having whipped a couple of children who were crying because they were hungry wasn't enough to cheer me up.
I open the door of my room and I immediately feel that there is something wrong; I could swear there is somebody in the bathroom.
Who dared to sneak into my chambers?!
I get to the bathroom door and kick it open, with the full intention to cut clean off the head of anybody ventured to get here, but what I see is so amazing that I freeze, sure I am hallucinating.
Standing in front of the bathtub, a pretty little thing is staring at me in the mirror, with a surprised look on her face, not terrified as I'd expect. On the ground, one of my soldiers, dead.
The girl has a knife in her hand. Gods, another attempt on my life? Tomorrow who will they send to try to kill me, an old lady with a limp?
The girl turns towards me with a single fluid move, almost dance-like, and at the same time she sheathes the knife.
"Holy Emperor! I didn't expect you to come back so soon!"
I am speechless. She must be completely mad, no doubt.
"...Otherwise you'd have cleaned up?" I ask, pointing at the dead soldier at her feet.
"Oh, no, I'd have left that here anyway...some kind of a present", and she smiles, a sweet and shy smile, as she were talking about a bunch of flowers.
She's definitely mad. But it's a kind of madness there is something...interesting about.
"Dear girl, if you want to make your Seitei happy, you should slay enemy soldiers, not his own."
"Oh, but he's not dead!" the girl warbles.
As to confirm her words, the soldier moans something and tries to drag himself on his arms, managing to cover about two inches before collapsing to the floor again.
"I cut his spine off the...seventh thoracic vertebra, I believe. He'll never be able to walk any more. But he's not dead."
At these words, the soldier whines. Only now I sense the unpleasant smell that's in the air.
"He's dirtied himself, it seems."
"Oops, then maybe I hit him a little higher and compromised the sphincter controls as well...fine, after all I'm not a surgeon." And she lifts her hands palms up, as to say 'there's nothing I can do about it'.
"I haven't understood yet why this should be a present for me and, above all, why I shouldn't kill you." Right, why haven't I killed her yet? Because what she has done to my soldier is morbidly fascinating, and because I like the way she answers back my sentences, brilliant, witty and cynical. For the first time in many years I'm speaking with somebody who manages not to bore me after a couple of sentences.
"Well, it's my style, Seitei. Didn't you appreciate all the soldiers I sent you back a little...amended? The missing parts still are at my place." And she sneers, this time sporting a sadistic look that matches her words.
"You...?" I don't know whether to flare up or laugh. The girl is short, slender and willowy; she may be fast, but not strong for sure. I really can't believe she was the one who butchered my soldiers...though the pile of flesh on the floor would seem to support her statement.
"Well, actually us. All the residents of my village fight. Alone, I'm almost defenceless...almost." And she glances at my soldier, who keeps whining like a damn dog.
"But actually, I come in peace. I've come to offer an alliance, Holy Emperor," and she slightly bows.
I burst into laughter, and heartily indeed.
"An alliance, with you? Instead, I really think I'll destroy you and then forget you."
"You'll destroy us, Holy Emperor? And when? Up to now, you haven't managed to. And not that you haven't tried." She sneers again, and I grind my teeth.
"Some of your soldiers are deserting because of us, and this, listen to me, is not good for your reputation of Evil Overlord. On the other side, your august person won't lower itself to challenge directly a couple of bunglers like us, right?"
Actually, there's something in what she says. Furthermore, I really can't make up my mind to lift my arm and cut her throat. I might as well keep listening to her.
"So," she goes on, "this is the deal: once a month, we'll bring you half of the goods of our village. We have gardens, orchards and animals, and half of what we can produce without having to worry about fighting is more than what you could get if you made of the village an outpost of your army. Furthermore, we formally subdue ourselves to you and recognize you as our emperor. But regarding the children, we are keeping them. The parents didn't want to hear about it." She shrugs her shoulders. "On the other side, it's not a big loss, we don't have many, and most of them are too little to work. When we founded the village, almost all of us were young and single, the first couples started having children a short time ago."
"Ah, that's interesting. Unfortunately for you, I need the children. The works for my mausoleum are slow."
"If you will excuse my saying so, my lord, they would be faster if you used adult slaves instead of children."
That tone, always fluctuating between respect and mocking. I should tear her to pieces on the spot. And yet I like listening to her.
I decide to have a little fun.
"We can do this way, I'm leaving you the children but in exchange you will stay here...at my service."
"Serving you is my joy, Seitei...I'm quite good at cooking. With knives I do well more or less in all fields."
This time I'm the one who sneers.
"I actually was thinking about another kind of...services."
"But my lord, I thought for that you had the children!"
Now she's overstepped the mark. In a flash I'm one inch from her and I grab her neck. One hand is enough to grip it completely.
"What do you mean?"
She lifts her hands as a gesture of surrender.
"I thought you were referring to the building of your pyramid, my lord!" she says with a stifled voice.
As it seems, she was the one who had fun. I release my hold.
"Thinking about it I could make you court jester, as funny as you are, but actually I'm going to use you as an officer."
"An officer, me? I'm just a humble head villager." She feigns modesty, but those cat's eyes shine with golden sparkles.
"...a humble head villager who managed to organize her couple of bunglers, as you describe them yourself, well enough to repel Souther's army several times. Think of what you could do with my soldiers!"
"Well, if they are all like this..." and she points at the pile of flesh plunged in his own excrement.
"...We have better material as well. And in any case, I'm decided. You and half of your goods, and you can keep the children." I will get as many as I need from all the other villages that aren't led by a sadistic strategist.
"Holy Emperor, not that I don't trust your word, but if this is a trick to separate me from my village, thinking that without me my fellows become vulnerable...I assure you that I left a self-sufficient organization that can still kick many of your soldiers."
"I surely won't try to persuade you, but let's say so: today you won't leave this palace, decide whether to lodge in a wet and rat-infested cell or in a room like this."
One of the usual idealist rebels would start shouting that I can imprison them but not their spirit, or that they prefer rotting in jail than yielding to my will...but if I understood a bit how this sort of homicidal doll reasons...
"..can I have a room with running water?"
...she didn't disappoint me.
"You can have one with a bathtub as well."
"The moron, here, told me there is a bathtub only in this room."
"The moron was wrong. There are two more. And one is vacant."
"We have a deal." And she smiles. A mischievous smile, but not only sensual. A promise of delights and death.
I return her smile. Then I call someone to take away the human wreck from my bathroom, and show my new pastime to her chambers.