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Two Days Later. . .
"Oh, I'm sorry to hear that, Rebecca," Renesmee apologized sympathetically with a heartfelt exhale, speaking loudly enough into the speakerphone. She knelt down on the kitchen floor to pour the lemon-scented dish soap carefully into the dispenser. "How are you holding up?"
"I don't know," Jacob's older sister replied. "I mean, I finally left La Push, and Andy was this great guy that made me think I could walk on clouds, but now. . ." Her voice trailed off awkward with an irritable groan.
Nessie arose to her feet and turned the knob on the dishwasher to start it up. She, then, leaned over the counter to relax a little bit. "Now what?"
"Now the magic is gone and we're officially divorced. I feel like a sad excuse for a woman," Rebecca stated, and Renesmee could practically see the Quileute women wearing a pathetic pout—the same one Rachel wore when it was that time of the month. "It's just that we were married for ten years, and I'm twenty-eight, Nessie. I thought I would at least have one kid by now. Not to mention, I haven't had sex in two years."
How exactly does a sister in-law react properly to such personal information? Renesmee contemplated, wishing that it was her husband was here instead. Luckily for him, Jacob co-owned a local auto repair shop known as 'Mr. Fix It,' with Quil, Embry, and Seth.
"Wait! You mean you've been-"
"Faking an orgasm?" Rebecca offered, laughing indulgently at Nessie's hesitancy. "Yeah. I don't know what happened. I don't know what happened between us. I thought Andy and I would last forever. Why can't I just feel that way again?"
"People change, Becky, and grow apart. It sucks, but maybe Andy was never the one," Nessie responded, "but hey, at least you finally have time to visit home, right? You have family here that are going to support you no matter what."
"Home, I do miss it there." Rebecca hummed thoughtfully for a moment. "I'm so excited for Rachel's big dinner tonight."
In reply, Nessie giggled nervously. She recalled the last time Rachel cooked dinner for the family. Poor Jacob ended up spending the following day with his head buried in the toilet, his warm, russet face drained of all color.
"Oh, that reminds me! Rachel asked for one of my cookbooks!" Nessie exclaimed, swinging open a cabinet door over the stove. She greatly hoped having instructions written down on a page would assist Rachel.
"Ha! Like that'll happen," Rebecca chortled, as though reading Renesmee's thoughts. "When we were kids, Rachel couldn't even figure out our Easy Bake oven."
While Rebecca continued to reminisce about her twin sister's mishaps in the kitchen, Nessie pulled out a thin journal of sorts, one that was not her grandmother's personal recipes, but had 'The Pack Life,' inscribed in black marker on the front cover. Nessie smiled, curious for its contents.
"Um, Becky, something just came up. I'll see you tonight," the nine year-old woman said.
"Okay, later."
Anxiously, Nessie hung up the phone and hurried over to couch, like she normally would when she wanted to dive into a good novel.
Intro: This is a guide meant solely for an awesome life in the even of phasing into a freaky wolf. Through the years, each of us may contribute advice to the guide, but we will always make sure this ends up back into our rightful alpha's, Jacob Black's, hands. Er, paws.
1. When Emily's blueberry muffins inevitably disappear, you smile sheepishly and point to Seth. (What?-Seth)
2. Collin's farts just might cause the next apocalypse.
3. Never go to Bella Cullen for suggestions on your future child's name.
4. We don't curse under normal circumstances. We're werewolves, not sailors.
5. Sorry. Shape-shifters.
6. Vampires never sleep, neither do you.
7. Don't ever stare at Emily's scar, that's your fair warning. If you do, watch out for Sam's falcon punch.
8. Should you imprint on a child, she will probably put barrettes in your hair and smear lipstick all over you face. You will never live this down. (It was red camouflage-Quil)
9. Don't tease Leah about her obsession with Star Trek. You'll regret it.
10. No matter how strong you think may be, never underestimate a woman's grip during labor. (Jared learned this lesson the hard way-Brady.)
11. If you don't shed one single tear during 'Titanic,' Rachel will not speak to you for five hours.
12. Sparring is a form of kinky foreplay when your imprint can match your strength.
13. When the imprints get together for some fun, remember to record their performance of 'Lady Marmalade' on your camera phone. Eat your heart out, Christina Aguilera!
14. In the event you imprint on a pack mate's sister and think about getting in her pants, you deserve to be punched.
15. Look around the entire room before you miss out on something great.
16. What happens in Vegas, stays on Youtube.
17. Warning: Avoid taking your imprint cliff-diving. This may induce panic attacks, strokes, and heart palpitations.
18. Although ironic, doggie style should still be considered.
19. When Doc Cullen goes into an extreme amount of detail on the bodily functions of abnormal creatures, just nod along as if you're not thinking about a burger. It'll be over a lot sooner.
20. Newbie wolves are like high school freshmen—annoying.
21. Imprinters are whatever the imprintees need them to be—protector, personal blanket, best friend, lover, brother, or consultant in all things regarding sandcastles.
werewolves actually exist. Go figure.
23. Never ever refer to Kim as 'Kimmy.' You may never reproduce. (Yes, we're looking at you, Collin-Jared)
24. Never phased when your imprint is too close.
25. And for that matter, don't unphase when they're too young to know the difference between boys and girls.
26. Unlike Bella, Nessie will never break her hand punching one of us square in the face.
27. Not all vampires are stupid, but they all stink.
28. What you give is what you get.
29. There's not much of a difference between wrestling and playing touch football when you play with Paul.
30. Check your second grade education of gravity and space at the door.
31. Rachel's twin sister, Rebecca, should not be confused with the talentless sensation, Rebecca Black.
32. When you're a guy without an imprint, your first thought in the morning is: I just want to go back to sleep. When you finally find her: I just want to see her face.
33. The couples who have imprinted or who have been imprinted on possess a healthy sex life. Call before visiting.
34. Don't always think with your gut instinct. Strategize.
35. As being of the male species, it's practically encoded into our DNA to lose arguments. While typical women enjoy receiving chocolates, flowers, or jewelry, the imprints are anything but typical. It's impossible to bribe your way back into their good graces.
36. They want to hear three words: I. Am. Wrong.
37. On the other hand, they love getting little trinkets on random days of the year.
38. Contrary to his big frame, Embry sneezes like a little girl. (As the Alpha, I say we all have te human right to laugh obnoxiously-Jacob)
39. The packs' diet consists mainly of beef and cheese.
40. Sixth time's the time. wink wink
41. Single pack members will not drag the committed ones (imprint or not) to strip clubs or invite strippers to any bachelor parties.
42. Being the only female shape-shifter sucks.
43. Don't piss off your woman to point she won't have make-up sex with you.
44. When your mind wanders to sex while phased, at least try to use clever euphamisms.
45. Thanks to Jacob (and by extension Nessie), Alice plans every birthday party, holiday, and anniversary for all of us. [group sigh]
46. Because of our freakish metabolism, we can eat all the fast-food we want.
47. Collin and Brady are two of the three stooges.
48. Don't let the imprinted fellas get ya down about one-night stands and porn. They forget what they're missing.
49. Seth is the only one of us so far to have a musical talent. Take advantage of this.
50. All newbies are not allowed to find Nessie Black attractive.
51. Always keep a popcorn box handy for Glee marathons and Nicholas Sparks films.
52. The pack is your family, too.
53. Wolves aren't difficult to entertain. (Ex: Embry was caught chasing a rabbit for a good hour-Sam)
54. As mythical creatures with a strong build, none of us (not even Leah) are allowed to walk out of the room during 'Paranormal Activity.'
55. Please don't ask Jacob to tell his imprint story. 'How I Met Your Mother' takes less time.
56. Secrets aren't accepted in the pack. We'll know.
57. At some point, we will see you naked on accident and if you're a girl. . . (Stop it, you pervs-Leah)
58. When a girl brings up T.O.M., exit the room immediately.
59. The meaning of our tatoo is not to be revealed to any outsiders.
60. 'Austin Powers' isn't considered a romantic comedy.
61. You're never allowed to quit. Alpha's orders.
62. Don't ever mention stereotypes involving females.
63. There's no 'I' in 'Team.'
64. No fellow wolf is allowed to ask another wolf's imprint out on a date, even before the ladder imprints. (Other romantic affairs are fair enough-Paul)
65. Bring your own barf bags when the couples put on those ooey-gooey, lovesick, goo-goo eyes.
66. Jared can't make a good joke to save is life. We laugh to be nice.
67. No pedophile jokes will be made around Quil or Jacob unless you want a foot shoved up your ass.
68. If Jacob falls ill (due to Rachel's awful cooking), Leah will take over for the day, and she is no walk through the park.
69. The Cullens are not to be harmed or provoked into a fight.
70. Vampires are quick, be quicker.
71. Courage doesn't mean that you're never afraid.
72. Don't bring up the whole Jacob/Bella/Edward love triangle. It's just too, too painful for everyone.
73. Rachel is just one of those girls that you can never make shut up.
74. Nessie is not easily scared of people that jump out at her at random points in time. However, when you finally mange to frighten her, her first response is to kick you in the nads. Just don't try it. (Karma's a bitch-Jacob and Embry)
75. Coffee is your best friend.
76. You don't want to make the Alpha angry.
77. Again, you don't want to make the Alpha angry.
78. Once more, you don't want to make the freaking Alpha pissed off at you! (Do you understand yet, Brady?-Jacob)
79. Failure is not an option.
80. It's okay to have a bromance in the pack, or if it's more than that. . . We're not here to judge. (Besides, we all secretly think Leah might pitch for the other team-Quil)
81. You're not allowed to get your wedding vows from the internet, tv shows, movies, or comic books.
82. When life gives you lemons, squirt them in a vampire's eyes.
83. If at first you don't succeed, try and try again. If that doesn't help, good luck with life.
84. Nothing ever goes according to plan. (Just ask Jake-Seth) (No! Refer to #55-Embry)
85. Ninjas are awesome. Shape-shifters are awesomer. Be a ninja shape-shifter!
86. Never give up on yourself.
87. Dr. Pepper is the drink of gods. No questions asked.
88. Perfection is an impossible feature to accomplish for any creature.
89. One day you'll find out why love is worth waiting for. (Abstinence?-Leah)
90. If it's wet, sticky, and totally not yours, don't touch it.
91. Learn to see the world with an open heart, no closed eyes.
92. Sadly, in this life, there's no such thing as coincidence. Only irony.
93. Don't cheat in a poker game. That's just not cool, man.
94. Swallow your pride every once in awhile. Hard as it may seem, it's worth it in the end.
95. Minors are not allowed to miss school unless there's yet another battle where the Cullens only ask the wolves in desperation. Skipping to go see a Lady Gaga concert with Emmett and Jasper doesn't count.
96. Always keep a pair of shorts (and in Leah's case, also a shirt) handy after phasing. Chief Swan will arrest you for public nudity.
97. Try to take chances as you go. You might be wrong sometimes, but that's okay. Have a little faith in yourself and your family.
98. A lot of new wolves will find this information pointless, they'll learn in time. Be patient. Yoda was.
99. All imprinters are whipped. We can sympathize and snigger behind their backs.
100. Never drink and drive at the same time. Don't be stupid.
101. Imprints are a vital part of the pack life whether you may realize it or not. It's gives us all something to fight for, something that makes giving up a sin—as girlie as that sounds.
Renesmee smiled to herself, quite amused at the pack's attempt at wisdom. It was nice to know they weren't all jokes. She closed the journal, and put it back in the cabinet.