Hello again! More Spencer angst! My favorite angst anyway. Hope you all enjoy the second chapter. Again, don't own or have any rights to Criminal Minds. This is purely for entertainment purposes!
"We all get addicted to something that takes away the pain." - Unknown
The morning sun was shinning through the blinds and illuminated Spencer in a set of golden stripes. He furrowed his brow at the un-welcomed light and brought his hand to his head. It was pounding with such force he thought his brain would break right through his skull. Spencer opened his eyes and looked around. He was still sitting cross-legged on the couch in his clothes from the night before. The file he was reading was still on the table and the lamps were still on.
"What time is it?" He said out loud to himself and then winced at the sound of his own voice. He looked around and his eyes landed on the clock that was situated on his bookshelf. Ten after seven. Relief flooded over him. He wasn't late. Yet. He knew to get to the office on time he had to be out of there in twenty minutes.
He stood up and stretched. He rolled his head from side to side trying to loosen the muscles in his neck. His whole body felt stiff and achy. He shuffled his way to the bathroom and turned on the faucet. Spencer cupped his hands under the running water and brought it to his face. The cool water felt good on his skin. He took a moment to look in the mirror. What stared back at him was a sorry sight. His eyes were rimmed with red and the dark circles around them seemed darker than usual. His features seemed more pronounced, larger and out of place on his face. He knew it was because he'd lost weight over the past weeks.
He opened the medicine cabinet above his sink,sighing as he reached for a bottle of aspirin. He opened the bottle and shook two into his hand. He bought his hand to his mouth, shoved the pills in and dry swallowed them. The sound of the bottle hitting the shelf and the noise as the cabinet door shut made him wince again. He hoped the aspirin would kick in sooner rather than later.
Spencer stripped the previous days attire off and threw it on the floor with the rest of his dirty clothes that had been piling up for weeks. He needed to do laundry but he rationalized that until he had zero clean articles of clothing it was not a necessity. He half shuffled half jogged to his bedroom to get dressed. The pounding in his head had lessened to a more bearable degree. He pulled out his outfit for the day and quickly dressed, spraying cologne on and applying a new layer of deodorant. He gave himself a once over in the mirror that hung on his bedroom wall. He'd chosen his normal go to clothes. Tan corduroys, button down shirt, tie and a cardigan. He made sure his watch was situated correctly over his wrist so that nothing would be revealed. The clothes hung loosely on him. It wasn't that he was into tight fitting clothes but he tried to not look sloppy and at least pick things that were semi-form fitting. This was far from it now but he felt he looked as good as he was going to for that day.
Spencer walked back out into his living room and gathered up the file he had been reading. He hadn't woken up with enough time to finish it. He'd have to improvise in the briefing. He noticed the syringe on the floor and vial of dilaudid on the coffee table. He picked up the syringe and threw it back into the drawer of the side table. He grabbed a new one and then the vial. He flipped off the lamp and walked into his foyer. He stuffed the file into his messenger bag and then carefully hid the other items in a side pocket. He never took any while he was in the office but it had become increasingly hard not to have it when they had to leave at the drop of a hat. He felt uneasy without it near him.
Spencer tugged on his signature converse sneakers and stole a glance at his watch. Seven twenty six. He sighed. There would be no time for coffee until he got to the office. He threw the strap of his bag over his shoulder, flipped of the last light and left.
Spencer sat alone on the small commuter train he took to work every day. He had a car and could drive but driving made him nervous and he only did it when he absolutely had to, which wasn't often. He listened to the random conversations around him. A man in a business suit talking to his significant other. An elderly lady chatting with her friend about where to get the freshest vegetables. The conversations blended together with certain words and phrases standing out to him.
"...well pull the steaks out now and they might be thawed by the time..."
"...I just don't think the Radcliff store has better tomatoes..."
His ears zeroed in a conversation between a mother and her son. The boy looked to be about twelve years old. Spencer would see the fear on his face.
"I don't want to go!" The boy said pleadingly to his mom. He saw the mom sigh.
"Zack, it can't be that bad. Just ignore them. Those boys will get bored eventually." The boy, who Spencer now knew was named Zack, just shook his head.
"They don't. They call me nerd, They call me freak. Can I just stay home one day? Please?" Zack begged. His mom shook her head but didn't say anything" Zack continued. "I won't get behind. I promise! I'm already ahead in all my classes."
"Zack, you're going to school and that's that. Now stop." The mom said.
Spencer knew he was staring at them and Zack turned and caught his eye for a moment. He saw so many things that reminded him of himself at that age. Spencer wished he could tell the kid it would be okay. That once he was out of whatever grade school he was in it'd get better but he just turned his head and looked down at his hands. It made him remember all the horrible days he endured being the twelve year old prodigy in high school. The voices of his peers rang in his head. He shook his head trying to make the memories stop. Sometimes it all came rushing back in such a vivid memory he'd forget it was over a decade ago.
The digital voice calling out his stop broke his thoughts and he stood up in anticipation of getting off the train. He gave Zack one last glance before stepping out of the doors and onto the crowded train platform.
Spencer weaved and bobbed between the sea of people on the busy streets until he had made it to the office. He had five minutes to actually get inside the building and get to his department before he was officially late. He quickly scanned his badge and hurried inside. He ran to the elevator and punched in the correct floor and when the doors opened he walked into the office.
Spencer was confused for a moment when he looked around. No one was in the conference room. Morgan was at his desk chatting with Emily while Hotch and Gideon were looking over a folder in the open doorway to Hotch's office.
"Good morning, Boy Wonder!" Spencer jumped at the sound of Penelope Garcia's chirpy greeting and turned around. " Seems the case we were supposed to work on was resolved last night. I know what you're thinking. Like, when does that ever happen, right? But worry not, my favorite genius. JJ is looking through her files. Although it seems we might actually have a day where no one is being cut open or kidnapped or whatever else these deranged people do."
Spencer just stared, trying to process the fast pace of Garcia's words. He watched as her brows furrowed and she gave him a funny look.
"Not to sound all Debbie Downer or anything, but are you okay? You look like crap."
"Yeah, yeah. Woke up late. No coffee." He said. Penelope nodded.
"Ah, the effects of inadequate caffeine. Well, there's plenty of coffee in the break room!"
Penelope gave him a smile and went on her way. Spencer made his way to his desk and threw his messenger bag on his chair. He felt like he could barely keep his eyes open. He headed straight to the break room for the coffee Garcia had mentioned. He grabbed one of the paper cups from the stack next to the coffee machines and filled it with about four table spoons of sugar and then added creamer on top of that. He got flack most of the time for how sugary and creamy he made his coffee but he didn't care. It tasted the best that way to him. Once he had the proper amount of sugar and creamer in the cup he poured the hot dark coffee over it. He liked watching it turn from almost black to a light brown as the creamer dissolved in it. He grabbed a stir stick and stirred the contents to ensure all the sugar dissolved and finally it was ready to drink. Spencer brought the cup to his lips and drank. It was almost too hot but he didn't mind. The burn felt kind of good in his throat. He had the first cup gone in less than a minute and was going about making his second cup when he was interrupted by Morgan.
"Damn, kid. Two cups in less than five minutes? That's impressive." Spencer kept on adding his sugar and cream and then poured the coffee again. " Reid?" Morgan said, when Spencer didn't answer. Spencer turned around to face Morgan and got another funny look similar to the one Garcia had given him earlier. He must really look like crap, he thought to himself. He made a mental note to start setting his alarm as soon as he got home so he could better prepare himself in the morning.
"So has JJ found another case or do you know what we'll be doing today?" He asked Morgan as he started on his second cup of coffee.
"Um...I...No, I don't think so. Not yet, anyway. We're just kind of catching up and waiting." Morgan said, stuttering a bit at the beginning. Morgan paused a moment. "Don't lie to me this time. What's wrong?"
"Nothing is wrong." Spencer said plainly. His eyes drifted past Morgan as he planned his next move to get away. He didn't have it in him to argue and lie this morning. He slid to the side to walk around Morgan but Morgan was quick and stepped to the side as well.
"You have dark circles around your eyes which, by the way, are red as hell..."
"I always have circles under my eyes." Spencer countered but that didn't stop Morgan.
"...and I can tell you haven't showered. You've lost weight. You can barely concentrate on the job." Spencer didn't like where this conversation was going. Why couldn't they just leave him alone? Sometimes, it was just a pain in the ass to be around so many profilers. So many people that could read what your mouth wasn't saying. Spencer half smiled at Morgan.
"Thanks for the profile but if you don't mind, I'd-" Morgan cut him off. Spencer brought the coffee back to his mouth since he couldn't get a word in between Morgan's lecture.
"So what is it, Reid? What are you on? The others might not want to believe it or say anything but I will."
Spencer choked on his coffee at Morgan's words.
"What?" Spencer half squeaked, trying not to cough from choking on his coffee. " I don't know what you're talking about. I'm not on anything. For your information, I didn't sleep well and woke up late. What the fuck is everyone's problem?" Spencer stopped short, startled that he'd cursed.
Morgan shook his head, mostly in disbelief.
"Are you being serious right now? Come on, Reid. Hotch is at your desk right now. He's going to tell you to take time off. I don't know who you think you're fooling. Yourself, I guess."
Spencer's mind was reeling. They all knew. They had to. He didn't want to deal with this today. Not tomorrow or even the next week. He just wanted to take an injection and make everything, and everyone, go away. He brought his hand to face and placed his thumb and middle finger on either side of his forehead, putting pressure on his temples to try and make his mind calm down.
"I don't want to get into this right now" He said point blank to Morgan. " I don't have a problem, like you all seem to think I have and if not sleeping well after being abducted and tortured is abnormal then that's just not rational thinking." He was grasping at anything to divert the attention away from the subject of his problem. He heard Morgan sigh.
"Stop building these walls and let someone in for once." Spencer just stared at Morgan then walked out of the break room. He scanned the office looking for the rest of the team. They all seemed to have scattered, except Hotch, who like Morgan had said, was waiting at his desk for him. Spencer's stomach started to turn with nerves as he got closer to his desk. Maybe he could stealth grab his messenger bag and make a get away. That possibility was unlikely. Spencer stopped when he reached his desk and looked at Hotch.
"Spencer, could you come into my office for a moment?" Hotch's voice was stern but it also had a tone of genuine concern in it. Spencer couldn't read his face. He hardly ever could. He closed his eyes for a moment and took a breath in.
"No." He said simply. "How long?" Morgan had already warned him what this was about. He didn't want to draw it out any longer than he had to. Hotch leaned in closer to Spencer.
"Do you really want to have this conversation out here?" He said in a more hushed tone. Spencer nodded.
"How long?" he repeated. Hotch took a step closer to him.
"Four weeks. I put it in as personal tine. You have have enough. Whatever is going on, I don't want to know. I really can't know. Please, get some help." Hotch was talking so quietly Spencer had to almost strain to hear him. Spencer stood and looked at Hotch. He saw a break in his facial expression, only for a moment but it happened. He couldn't tell if it was fear or sadness. Spencer nodded his head and started to gather up his things. Hotch reached out and put his hand on Spencer's arm. "I mean it. Please get some help." Hotch turned and made his way back to his office.
Spencer looked around the office once more before heading to the doors. The only one of his team members that he saw was Morgan standing with his arms folded, leaning against the door jamb to the break room. Even Gideon was nowhere in sight, which surprised him. He thought out of anyone in the team it would have been Gideon to seek him out and confront him.
As Spencer walked out of the building different scenarios kept playing in his head. Quit the BAU and go back and get another degree? Check into rehab? Did he even need rehab? Just throw the vials and out and stop completely? For once in his life, he didn't know what to do. He just felt lost. Lost and embarrassed that his boss had to tell him to leave. The one thing he did know was that he was going to go home and forget, whether it was for last time or just another notch on the stick of many times.