You Ask My Name (And All I do is Listen) Chapter 2
Pairing: Clexa
Rating: Children be Wary (K+)
Notes: I have found my writing niche. Beating up/injuring/maiming a character then having their significant other nurse them back to health. Side packages can include fluff, angst, emotional trauma and other such tropes. Is this a business spiel? Probably.
Within the first forty-eight hours of their odd circumstances, they had established a shaky routine. In the mornings, Clarke would carry Lexa outside, letting her do her business in peace, but staying near should she need help. They then would have a breakfast of either salted or roasted meat, along with some foraged vegetables from the surrounding area. And after that Lexa would rest while Clarke, constantly wearing her mask, went about doing things as she saw fit until dinner time rolled around. The blonde had remained silent ever since the other girl had become a guest in her cave, only communicating in gestures and ambiguous grunts. After the initial shock from the mask had worn off, Lexa had accepted everything quickly, only attempting to strike up a conversation, in Trigedasleng, to ask to return to her people, a few times before taking the hint.
Thankfully, the day before she had found Lexa, Clarke had caught a rather large deer, allowing her to stock up on meat enough that she wouldn't have to leave her cave for weeks before needing to hunt again. Thus, this left her with quite a bit of free time that would normally be spent hunting. She was rather thankful for her fortune as well, the rain had continued to pour, giving her no incentive to leave. It also gave her time to work on carving.
Rather than wood however, she had moved onto bone. Currently, she was meticulously scraping a rib bone of the deer, smoothing it and preparing the surface for the details she was slowly designing in her mind. Lexa lay across from her, watching silently, listening to the steady sound of the scraping. Clarke had managed to convince her to take some herbs to reduce her pain, making her sleepy and thoughts sluggish. The sounds of carving seemed to be slowly lulling her into sleep.
"Why save me?"
Clarke stopped carving, partially surprised at Lexa speaking to her, and partially surprised she understood what she was saying. In the last three months she had learned just a bit more than the basics of Trigedasleng from the people that worked at the Trading Posts she visited, so she felt pride in understanding the sudden sentence. She responded with a shrug and returned to carving. She had remained dressed in her thick furs, despite being very warm in them, cloaking her body and hopefully making it harder to identify her.
"Why wear the bone mask?"
She paused again and looked Lexa in the eye. She hadn't understood the last word, but had figured it out with the context of the others. To be honest, she wore the mask for the courage it gave her, freeing her from the disadvantage of being known. With her mask, she was an enigma, a stranger, Lexa knew nothing of her, and she knew at least some things about Lexa. All considering, she didn't know much about the other girl, in spite of having worked and been together for close to three weeks straight before the battle of the Mountain. It also bought her time. Time to make her decision of whether to kill Lexa, reveal herself, or heal the other woman and let her go on her merry way being none the wiser of her true identity. It was conflicting and the mask gave her a shield from it.
Realizing she had been looking at the other girl for much longer than intended, she returned to carving. The silence returned for a while, only filled with the crackling of the fires flames and the steady grinding of metal on bone. It seemed Lexa's medicine idled brain needed to fill the silence, because she soon began talking once again, but this time not hoping for any answers.
"I wish we had run across you sooner. My warriors might have lived then."
She spoke slowly, words slightly slurred. A fact that Clarke was appreciative of. It made her task of translating easier.
"I should have taken the shorter route. I was stupid, blindly hoping."
Behind her mask, Clarke's face twisted in confusion. What had she been hoping for? To find a healer by chance?
"This area is near the Skykru…"
Lexa mumbled her words, trailing off, but Clarke silently willed her to continue, her interest piqued. What did this have to do with her people?
"I thought, no, blindly hoped that I would run into Clarke…"
The blondes heart stopped in her chest, halting her breath. With the greatest amount of will power she has ever mustered, she forced herself to not react externally, continuing the motion of her arm, scraping the bone smooth. Why would Lexa want to find her? Sure, she was a healer, but betting on finding her when she had gone AWOL gave a slim chance of surviving. If there had been a shorter route to their camp, the smartest move would have been to take that than hope to find a healer in the middle of the forest.
"I let my desire to see her blind me, costing my warriors their lives…. And now I have to live with that."
This new information was freaking Clarke out. She wasn't a psychiatrist, damnit. She hadn't even said anything the entire time Lexa had been with her. Apparently the herbs she had given the brunette had made her unbelievably chatty, because she continued.
"As I have to live with my decision to abandon the one I love in the face of certain death."
Clarke pauses at this, unable to not look at the girl across the fire from her. The brunette was staring up at the ceiling, tears visibly sliding down her face, but her voice sounded calm, if a bit stifled. She threw her arm over her eyes with a grimace.
"I am so sorry, Clarke."
She whispered, most likely not intending for the stranger across the cave from her to hear, but she did and the blondes heart burned. The war within herself roared to life once again, rising from the embers it had died down to in the last couple days. Her heart ached for Lexa, and for herself. Lexa's tears were for her, and it made Clarke feel the overwhelming desire to comfort the older girl. To wipe away the tears and to assure her everything was alright. Her throat hurt as she swallowed thickly. An acidic feeling boiled in her chest, making her feel sick, but she also felt fury race through her like a wildfire, raging through her veins, hungrily devouring each nerve within its inferno. She had still abandoned her despite loving her, and it enraged her. Had this been how Dad had felt when Mom had turned him in? Betrayed, hurting, furious? The only difference was she had survived her partner's betrayal. The blonde curled into herself. The comparison felt like a physical blow, twisting and bruising her insides, making her feel the urge to vomit.
Breathing deeply, but quietly, she fought to regain control of herself. She couldn't give away her identity yet. Not when she was still so conflicted, so unsure. Forcing her body to straighten, she sat up with a hiss, uncurling from her hunched position to look at Lexa.
The brunette still had her arm over her eyes, but she breathed deeply, sleeping and obviously exhausted from her emotional display. Pushing herself up onto her knees, Clarke inched over to check the brunette over, feeling a surge of grudging concern. Blood had seeped through the bandage on the arm thrown over her face, mixing blood with her tears. Sighing, the blonde lifted the arm and began the process of fixing the popped stitches and re-bandaging the wound. A calm overcame her at the familiar motions.
In the few hours she had been healing, Lexa had recovered quite quickly. Smaller cuts were already showing signs of scaring, while the larger wounds had closed, but she was far from being well enough to travel long distances. A couple weeks, and she could probably make the trip to Polis, the healer determined. That is if she kept healing at this rate. Returning the now freshly bandaged arm to its owner's side, Clarke felt her emotions surge once again.
Why? Why did it have to be her? Why was she the one who got betrayed, backstabbed and blamed at every turn and then expected to keep trying, to keep forgiving? It wasn't fair. Sitting down, she huffed. Clarke knew she was acting a bit irrationally but she couldn't supress the resentment she felt at the world, at the girl laying beside her, unaware of the turmoil in her caretaker. The tension within her built, until she couldn't hold it anymore and she slumped over, tears streaming down her face, gathering in the grooves of her mask.
She lay curled half on the bed, half off, her torso creating a barrier around Lexa's head. She shook with the force of her emotions, the sadness choked her, the rage squeezed her lungs, and the stress of the past year locked her limbs, leaving her a sniffling, shivering, mess. Sudden exhaustion crashed over her, forcing her tense muscles to relax and the havoc of her mind to fade behind a wave of thick fog. Her eyes sagged, and sleep tugging at her awareness. Tired of fighting, tired of being angry and hurt, she gave in.
Clarke woke to an ache in her back and a stabbing pain in her cheek. Sitting up, she became more aware of her surroundings. She had fallen asleep, half on the pile of furs, explaining her back, and her mask had decided to shift and stab her in the face as she slept. The blonde was infinitely thankful that Lexa hadn't woken up before her. With how her mask had shifted, the brunette would have easily been able to identify Clarke, especially with how close they had fallen asleep from each other. Shuffling tiredly way from Lexa, she felt drained. Her emotional breakdown the night before had taken its toll.
Clarke was tired. Tired of being angry, tired of betrayal, tired of feeling her emotions surge at even the very thought of the injured girl resting in her bed. She almost wished she could be numb to it all, to feel none of the anguish. Almost.
Despite having spent months in the forest, her demons hadn't left her. If anything they had grown closer to her, crawled inside and corrupted her until all she could feel was anger, pain and regret. But she knew if she didn't carry the burden of these emotions, another would have to, so she staved off the numbness that crept at the edges of her mind, letting her demons tear at her ruthlessly, and through it all, the only comfort she had was in the words of her enemy.
"I bear it, so they don't have to."
She breathed the words quietly, almost in reverence. They were her last lifeline in her harsh reality. A groan from Lexa forced her to snap her mouth shut, but the words still reverberated through her mind, repeating like a mantra, calming the storm within herself so she could be the person Lexa needed her to be, a healer, a care taker, and a protector. Something the brunette had failed to provide her.
EndNote: If you want to talk fanfic with me, feel to come find me on tumblr under GillyTweed.