A/N: Campfire Song from SpongeBob SquarePants.

Recap: The Muscle League were summoned to go on a "mission", but were sent hurtling towards a desert island as part of a reality television programme born out of Jacqueline McMadd's warped mind in her bid to prove herself as a successful chairman of the IWF.

Chapter 2 – The Ruse

"I can't swim! I can't swim!"

Wally turned to Kid, who was fighting desperately to remain afloat.

"I'll save you, Kid!" he called, before diving under the water and rapidly swimming through the debris littering the waves to reach Kid.

"Son of a bitch!" Mars cursed as he dragged himself ashore.

"Vot vill ve do now?" Jaeger asked, before removing his helmet and shaking the water from his hair.

"This place looks deserted," Dik Dik commented.

"A desert island?" Terry echoed. "Dang Dik Dik, don't even joke about somethin' like that!"

"Hath anyone seen the pilot?" Checkmate asked as he shook his arms, spraying seawater about himself.

"I don't like this…" Kevin muttered, slowly surveying his surroundings.

"Ya think it really is a desert island?" Terry asked.

"It may look that way," Kevin began, walking a few steps forward. "But if this island is deserted, how do you explain those tracks?"

Kevin pointed at the ground in front of his feet and the others all looked down, their heads slowly following the grooves of what appeared to be the tracks of a large truck along the length of the beach.

"I think I pissed in the sea!" Kid moaned as Wally dragged him onto the sand.

"Oh, ya care about pissin' in da sea, but ya don't care about pissin' on other people?" Mars snapped at him.

"Bad things happen when you piss in the sea!" Kid argued.

"Bad things happen when ya piss near me…" Mars growled in a low voice, brandishing a fist at Kid.

"Hey you guys, what's that noise?" Wally asked, scratching at his head.

"It sounds like…" Terry began.

"A helicopter," Kevin finished, pointing at the sky above the centre of the island.

"Ve're saved!" Jaeger said cheerfully.

"What luck!" Dik Dik said.

"Hey, down here!" Kid yelled, waving his arms above his head.

The others all began calling out and waving their arms desperately; but Kevin remained still, his eyes fixed onto the helicopter as it hovered closer, the proportions of the aircraft making him a little suspicious of its presence.

"Hey, what gives?" Mars muttered, his arms slowly lowering to his sides.

"That ain't no ordinary helicopter!" Terry said, his arms dropping.

"It's a robot!" Kid cried. "And it's got a camera attached to it! Hey, we're on TV!"

The others sweatdropped as Kid began hopping from foot to foot, waving at the camera.

"What is going on here?" Kevin grumbled.

A few seconds later, something collided with the top of Kevin's mask with a loud clang, bouncing off his head and landing on Wally's foot.

"Hey!" Wally complained, hopping away from the fallen object.

Ignoring the dull pain in his head, Kevin crouched down towards the rock, turning it over to reveal that a folded note of paper had been tied to it. Looking up for the source of the object, Kevin eventually located a green sphere high in the sky, almost entirely obscured from their sight by the glare of the sun.

"What is it, Kevin?" Kid asked.

"A note," Kevin replied, pulling the paper from the rock and standing up again.

"Who is it from, Kevin?" Kid asked.

"Oh, it's from the IWF," Kevin replied as he opened out the folded page.

"What does it say, Kevin?" Kid asked.

Kevin turned his head to Kid, glaring at him silently.

"What does it say, Kevin?" Kid asked again.

"Somebody shut him up," Kevin grumbled.

"Shut-up, pig-boy!" Mars yelled at Kid, causing him to leap behind Wally and grin nervously.

"Okay, this is from the IWF, it's addressed to me," Kevin began slowly. "But I think you all ought to hear what it says."

The others all edged closer, listening with interest as Kevin began to read the note.

"Kevin Mask, welcome to the first series of Chojin Desert Island Survivor," he read. "Chojin Desert Island Survivor is a new reality television series created by the IWF chairman, Jacqueline McMadd, and you and the Muscle League are the stars of the show. There are several cameras and various items of audio recording equipment stationed around the island to capture your day-to-day activities as you attempt to survive the conditions on this desert island. The results of your efforts will be broadcast live around the world, including 24-hour coverage on the IWF channel in Japan."

"What?" Mars snarled.

"It appears that our "mission in The Philippines" was just a ruse to get us here," Kevin concluded.

"We are on TV!" Kid chirped.

"We're being filmed fighting for food and survival on a desert island," Dik Dik said flatly.

"But that's no fun!" Kid protested.

"Exactly, Kid!" Terry sighed. "How long is this madness gonna last? I'm gettin' married on the 14th! I gotta be back in Texas in less than ten days, I don't got time for this!"

"It doesn't say anything about how long they intend to keep us here," Kevin replied.

"So that plane crash wasn't an accident?" Wally asked. "The pilot deliberately left us to land here alone?"

"What if…" Dik Dik began slowly. "What if they keep us here for longer than a week?"

"They better not!" Terry argued, waving a fist at the helicopter high above them. "Ya hear me, McMadd? I gotta get back to my fiancée!"

"Vot about food, fresh vater and shelter?" Jaeger asked.

"Never mind about dat!" Mars said. "What about entertainment, huh? I don't wanna spend da next week stuck here wid Kid Muscle and no electricity!"

"We could sing campfire songs!" Kid suggested. "C-A-M-P-F-I-R-E-S-O-N-G song!" he sang.

"Dat's exactly my point," Mars said darkly.

"Hey Kid, no music, no girls, no TV, no cow and rice and nobody to talk to but who ya see standin' around ya," Terry said firmly to Kid.

Kid slowly looked about himself, pouting thoughtfully.

"But that sucks!" he concluded.

"Exactly!" the others all chorused.

The group slowly lifted their heads, looking first at the helicopter, the lens of the camera it supported on its nose winking at them against the sunlight, and then at the green sphere hovering near it.

"How long is this going to last?" Kevin Mask muttered, talking more to himself than anyone else.

A few seconds later, he vaguely saw something falling from the sphere above them, another rock smacking into his face a moment later and sliding to the ground.

"Hey, another note!" Kid cried. "What does is say, Kevin?"

"Read it yourself!" Kevin snapped irritably.

"Okay," Kid said, squatting down and retrieving the note from the rock. "Let's see…"

Kid stood again, unfolding the paper.

"Kevin Mask, the series is scheduled to run for eight weeks," he announced.

Kid smiled at the others, their horrified expressions slowly alerting him to the exact implications of what he had just read.

"Eight weeks?!" he wailed. "No music, no girls, no TV, no cow and rice and nobody to talk to for eight weeks?"

"Eight weeks? That's absurd!" Dik Dik spat, snatching the note from Kid to read through it for himself.

"I can barely spare eight days, this can't be happenin'!" Terry shouted angrily.

"Eight weeks?" Kid cried, dropping to his knees and tilting his head back to look up at the camera in the sky. "Why Jacqueline, why? Who will take care of my beautiful wife and my five handsome children during the long, cold winter nights?"

"If I gotta stay on dis island for eight weeks wid dis asshole, I'ma kill him," Mars said flatly. "In fact, I might just kill all of yous, cause dey ain't got much of a show if dey only got one guy left!"

"That's not exactly a productive attitude, Mars!" Dik Dik sneered.

"Hey, dis ain't even a good time for me to be playin' stupid games!" Mars argued back.

"It ain't a good time for you?" Terry echoed. "What about me? I got a weddin' all planned and ready to go, this ain't exactly convenient for me, neither!"

"My wife and children can't manage without me!" Kid complained.

"You ain't got no children, Kid!" Terry pointed out.

"You don't know that!" Kid shot back.

Terry paused, his eyebrows slowly creeping upwards.

"He ain't got no kids," Mars intercepted. "He just likes to think dat he does."

"Tis most unusual," Checkmate mused. "Why wouldst the McMadds do this unto us now?"

The others all adopted pensive looks as they tried to figure out why they had been purposely dumped onto a desert island; but they were soon distracted from their thoughts as they all began to notice Jaeger's face turning steadily redder and his hands fidgeting at his sides.

"Something you want to tell us, Jaeger?" Dik Dik asked him.

"Uh…" he began. "Nein?"

"C'mon kid, what gives?" Mars asked him.

"Vell…"

Jaeger began tapping the tips of his index fingers together, lowering his head in an attempt to hide his awkwardness.

"Tell us now, or I will beat it out of you!" Kevin warned him.

"I may have upset Jack," Jaeger immediately replied, grinning nervously at Kevin.

"Oh yeah?" Mars asked. "What did ya do?"

"I uh…" Jaeger began nervously. "I sort of… Vell…"

"Dude, I thought you said that you dumped Jacqueline like last week?" Kid said.

The others all turned to Kid for a moment before turning back to Jaeger, glaring at him accusingly.

"She vasn't very happy…" Jaeger said quietly. "But it seemed like ze right zhing to do…"

"Ah, nuts!" Mars cursed, kicking hard at the sand. "We're bein' held here by some jilted broad!"

"If that's really what this is all about, I'm sure she won't keep us here for long," Wally tried. "She'll soon see reason and let us go."

"This is Jacqueline McMadd we're talkin' about here, Wally!" Terry yelled at him. "Ya think she can't hold a grudge or make us suffer for long? Have you forgotten already what she done did to Kid, Mars and Kevin durin' the Chojin Crown?"

"Kevin, you gotta do something!" Kid insisted. "You're the leader, get us out of here!"

Kevin scowled at Kid, a look almost wasted behind his mask, which showed nothing more than a thinning of his eyes.

"Luckily for you, I have actually thought of something that should end this madness," Kevin coldly answered him. "I got the idea when Terry mentioned the Chojin Crown. Mars, do you remember what you did during that "Love, Honour and Redemption" chat show we were forced to attend?"

Kevin turned to Mars, who looked thoughtful for a moment before slowly nodding his head.

"I said a lotta nasty stuff I knew would get da show taken off air, cause it was live, daytime viewin'," he said.

"Exactly," Kevin said. "This is daytime and we are on live television. All we have to do is be as vulgar, rude and obscene as possible, and this show will be axed."

"Hell yeah!" Terry agreed, punching a fist into the air.

"Not strong enough," Kevin corrected him.

"Fuck yeah!" Kid said cheerfully, punching a fist into the air.

"Better," Kevin said to him.

"This is fun!" Kid squealed, leaping to his feet. "I'm not allowed to say fuck at home! Fuck fuckety-fuck!"

"I gotta better idea!" Terry said.

He turned to Kevin, who tilted his head slightly.

"Uh…" Terry said slowly. "I mean shit, I got me a fuckin' excellent idea. Let's write obscene messages in big letters in the sand so that the cameras can't film us without showin' bad language!"

"I like it!" Kevin said.

"I'll help!" Jaeger offered.

Terry and Jaeger started off to commence their mission, skidding to a halt as Kid let out a particularly long and sickening fart.

"More of that, too!" Kevin told him.

"Aw dude, that was just an accident," Kid said meekly.

"Do it again, and do it louder!" Kevin told him.

"Really?" Kid responded.

"Absolutely!"

"I love this fucking game!"

Kid clenched his fists and squatted down, pushing out a cloud of green smoke that made the others back away from him a little.

"Uh-oh…" he muttered, opening one eye and looking around the others. "I think I just pooped a little."

"That's good, talk like that will get this show banned for sure!" Kevin said.

"Dude, I'm not joking here," Kid said, pulling back his pants and looking over his shoulder.

"Uh…" Kevin gulped, backing away from Kid.

"Hey, I've got a better idea!" Kid concluded, releasing the waistband of his pants with a snap of elastic. "Let's all get naked!"

"Or not!" Mars immediately disagreed.

"Yeah!" Kid cried, tearing off his clothing.

"Stop that!" Kevin snapped at him. "Nobody wants to see your– oh dear…"

Kid screamed out, throwing his arms into the air and charging along the length of the beach; completely naked.

"I'm blamin' you for this, Kevin Mask!" Terry said, pointing at Kevin.

"Why me?" Kevin snapped.

"You told Kid we had to be as vulgar, rude and obscene as possible," Wally gently explained. "But since Kid is always vulgar, rude and obscene, he's now taking it to another level."

"You suck Kevin!" Jaeger said.

"Hey, we're only here because of you!" Kevin argued back.

"Heads up, he's comin' back," Terry muttered.

The others turned to see Kid running through the surf, his arms still up in the air above his head, his eyes and mouth wide open.

"Hey, come on you guys!" he called to them as he neared them once more. "Get naked!"

"I am not comfortable with this," Checkmate said.

"Me neither," Terry agreed.

"I guess it wouldn't be so bad, I mean, we do all shower together," Wally reasoned.

"But people all over ze vorld vould see your private parts!" Jaeger argued. "Even your own family!"

"Sheesh, there's an awful thought!" Terry agreed. "I can't imagine anythin' more embarrassin' than my ma and pa and Trixie's ma and pa seein' me in the nude!"

"Kid Muscle doesn't have that problem," Dik Dik said flatly. "His family are all idiots who love nothing more than to eat, fart and humiliate themselves and others."

"C'mon Mars, get your ass out again!" Kid shrieked, grabbing Mars's trouser legs and tugging downwards forcefully.

"Hey!" Mars protested, grabbing desperately at the waistband of his trousers, barely concealing his crotch as Kid succeeded in pulling the back of his trousers down to his knees.

"Mars has got a fantastic ass!" Kid told the others. "It's really, really smooth!"

Twenty minutes later, seven bruised and bloodied Chojins sat sulking around a small, fading campfire.

"This is shameful," Kevin Mask declared.

"Hey, I'm hungry over here, it was a damn good idea!" Mars shot back.

"If it looks like a hog, it squeals like a hog and it smells like a hog, then sure as hell it oughta taste like a hog!" Terry added.

"We couldn't seriously have eaten Kid Muscle!" Wally pointed out.

"I'm a vegetarian, this whole discussion offends me," Dik Dik said haughtily.

"You vere ze von who lit ze fire!" Jaeger argued.

"Perhaps we should untie Kid now?" Checkmate suggested.

"Let da bastard hang!" Mars snarled.

All seven Chojins turned their heads to look back at Kid Muscle, who was bound and gagged by an intricate network of leaves and vines, his entire body suspended from a tree branch several feet off the ground. He moaned out a muffled complaint, but the others turned away from him again.

"I'm pretty sure we haven't even been here for a full half hour yet," Kevin began. "And in that time, we have resorted to homosexuality, cannibalism and a pointless, seven-way brawl. It's like we've all gone mad. We'll never last eight weeks like this."

"Sounds like somebody didn't get his ass kicked hard enough the first time around!" Terry challenged.

"Hey, everybody shut-up!" Mars snapped. "It ain't my fault I got such a beautiful ass! I didn't ask for dis heavenly body, I just gots to–"

"Oh please!" Dik Dik groaned. "We are all so sick and tired that old "heavenly body" routine! And don't try to tell us that Kid was the one coming on to you, Sailor Mars!"

"You son of a bitch!" Mars yelled, grabbing up a handful of sand and throwing it at Dik Dik.

A gust of wind appeared from nowhere, sending most of the sand into Jaeger's face and depositing the rest onto the embers of the fire, destroying it entirely.

"Hey!" Jaeger protested.

"Sorry kid," Mars apologised.

"Shouldn't we be apologising to Kid Muscle?" Wally asked. "We did try to roast him over a fire, after all."

"You vere ze von who asked for von of his legs!" Jaeger reminded him.

"This is ridiculous!" Kevin snapped, standing abruptly. "All this petty bickering is beneath a Chojin! Take a lesson from us Brits, and try to keep a stiff upper lip!"

"Pff, yeah, you had more'n a stiff upper lip when you was lookin' at my ass," Mars muttered.

"Shut the fuck up, Mars!" Kevin yelled at him.

"You shut the fuck up!" Mars yelled, jumping up and shoving him.

"Break it up, assholes!" Terry yelled, jumping between them.

"Ja, don't start zhat again!" Jaeger agreed, joining Terry.

Kevin and Mars looked at other silently for a moment before both nodding their heads and grabbing a man each, slamming Terry and Jaeger together.

"Hey you guys!" Wally cried.

"Act your age, you miserable cretins!" Dik Dik said, standing up.

Mars and Kevin started towards them, but both were pounced on by Jaeger and Terry. Checkmate tried to intervene between the four, but he shortly found himself being squashed as Wally and Dik Dik leapt into the fray. After a few sharp shoves and badly thrown punches, the group once more erupted into another all-out brawl, apparently oblivious to the cameras still watching their every move.

"Welcome back fight fans to Chojin Desert Island Survivor! I am your host, Mac Metaphor!"

"And I am your host, Doc Nakano. If you missed the first part of today's show, don't forget to check the highlights special at 10pm tonight, where we will show you the complete and uncut altercation between the members of the Muscle League."

"And it looks like another altercation is breaking out as we speak Doc! I wonder what they could be fighting about this time?"

Roxanne sighed, slapping a hand against her forehead.

"Oh come on now Roxanne!" Marie said gently, giving her a reassuring hug. "I'm sure it wasn't as bad as it looked!"

"Good job they censored it…" Meat muttered. "If those guys don't kill the kid, I might just kill him myself when he gets back here!"

"Oh this is just awful!" Kiki moaned. "How can they do this? What about poor Trixie and Terry?"

Roxanne, Marie, Meat and Kiki all turned to the bathroom door. It was still firmly shut, but they could faintly hear Trixie snivelling beyond it.

"I can't believe that bitch Jack!" Roxanne roared, standing abruptly.

"Roxanne, that's unkind!" Marie scolded her.

"Unkind? Crashing my husband onto a desert island where he's been beat up, tied up and almost eaten alive is unkind!" Roxanne argued back.

"Well, y'know, he did kinda ask for it…" Kiki muttered.

"What?" Roxanne yelped, rounding on Kiki.

Kiki shrugged, smiling innocently up at her.

"Kid did try to expose Mars on live television," she pointed out.

"So what?" Roxanne growled. "It's not like we all haven't seen Mars naked before!"

"What?" Kiki yelped, leaping to her feet to confront Roxanne.

"Oh come on, Kiki!" Roxanne groaned, rolling her eyes. "He printed his family jewels all over a stack of money!"

"Hey!" Kiki wailed, her face turning red. "You know I'm still upset about that and what it did to my dad, it's not fair to bring that up now!"

"Oh, but it is fair that your boyfriend tried to eat my husband?"

"Well he does look like a big fat pig!"

"Oh yeah? Well maybe they ought to eat your boyfriend instead, since he's nothing but a giant turkey!"

Kiki gasped, clapping a hand over her mouth in horror.

"Both of you shut up!" Trixie yelled, yanking open the bathroom door and glowering at them with make-up smeared eyes. "I'm the one losing out on my own wedding here! Either feel sorry for me, or shut-up!"

"She's right," Roxanne sighed. "We have to do something about this, it's ridiculous."

"Well why don't you girls just all vote for Terry?" Marie suggested. "Jacqueline said that the wrestler with the most votes will leave the show first. If you all vote for Terry, he will be back in time for his wedding."

"But what about all the others?" Kiki asked. "It's not much of a wedding with no best man and no guests!"

"If I'm voting at all, I'm voting for Mantaro," Roxanne ground out. "If he stays on that island with those assholes, they'll kill him!"

"I've got a better idea," Trixie said darkly. "Let's just all go down the IWF headquarters and deal with this problem at its source: Jacqueline McMadd!"

Jacqueline hummed happily to herself as she checked her reflection, fluffing her hair with one hand and adjusting the neckline of her vest with the other.

"Miss McMadd, there's someone here to see you," a voice called into her dressing room.

"I'm busy," she replied dismissively, before pouting at the mirror and grabbing up a lipstick.

"She says it urgent."

"I'm still busy."

Jacqueline smiled as the door closed again and she was once more left alone. However, her peace was short-lived, as the door swung violently open a second later, and the stiff outline of a lone female figure appeared in her mirror. Jacqueline frowned at the reflection for a moment before turning on her stool and tilting her head curiously at the barely discernible silhouette in the doorway.

"Can I help you?" she asked.

"Yes," a voice replied. "You can send a helicopter to whatever remote island you dumped the Muscle League onto and fly them back here right now."

"I can't do that," Jacqueline replied, smiling sarcastically. "But I can call security and have you removed from here."

"You have messed with my life for the last time, you obnoxious, vain, thoughtless bitch!"

Jacqueline yelped, leaping from her stool and barely escaping harm as the woman pounced at her, colliding with her vanity desk. She spun around, her eyes widening as an irate scar-faced woman began stalking towards her, rolling up her sleeves as she approached.

"You look familiar…" Jacqueline mused.

"I'm your worst nightmare!"

Jacqueline hurriedly kicked a chair at her attacker and fled from the room, aiming herself for the nearest security guard.

"You made a huge mistake putting her in charge!" Ikeman said moodily, scowling at his father.

"It may look that way, but…" Vance began, rubbing his chin as he eyed the monitor in front of them. "According to this, viewing figures are through the roof."

"What?!" Ikeman cried.

"Face it, your sister has just struck gold."

Ikeman turned to Jacqueline, who was pointing back at Amy, setting two security guards on her.

"The Muscle League hate being on her show," he concluded. "And when they get back, they will demand that I am restored as rightful chairman!"

Next Chapter: The Muscle League are set their first task on the show, but their bickering and constantly decreasing sanity threatens to ruin their chances of surviving each other, far less completing the task at hand. Chapter 3 – Reality Bites