Disclaimer: I do not own NCIS - sorry forgot to put this on chapter one.

A/N - Hopefully this won't offend anyone, it's not my intention to do so.

PROTECTION DETAIL: THE CHURCH

"There two main entrances to the Church, Tony and I will take this one here on the left. McGee you and Ziva take the one on the right. The FBI are screening all attendees. When the service starts there will be no one else allowed in. Is that understood?"

"Yes boss!"

"I do not have to remind you that this is a religious service, keep radio chatter to a minimum."

"Uh Gibbs, what kind of service is it? Mormon, Baptist, Christian, Satanists?"

"It's a Roman Catholic Service DiNozzo. Now shut the hell up, it's about to begin."

"Boss, you just said the 'H' word. Won't you get into trouble? I mean like with the man upstairs?"

"Fornell's people are covering the roof Tony, he's not going to give me any hassle is he?"

"I mean like, God!"

"What?"

"God?"

"DiNozzo! What the hell are you talking about?"

"You said it again!"

"What?"

"Hell."

"What have you done now? DiNozzo I swear I'm going to kick your ass if you don't pipe down."

"I'm only trying to look after your soul boss."

"The only sole you should be worried about is the one on the end of my boot when it collides with your a…"

"The…huh…service is starting boss, that's the opening number kicking off."

"Oh for crying out loud, what are you sniggering at?"

"I remember getting piano lessons when I was a kid, my piano teacher Mrs Feechanbacher asked me if I wanted to learn to play with my organ also. She wasn't happy when I said that I practiced every night thank you very much, but I had been told that it was rude to discuss it in front of girls. I swear I still have the scar on the back of my hand where she hit me with the damn ruler."

"I'll hit you myself if you don't keep quiet."

"Boss?"

"Mmm?"

"That nun that's reading those prayers up there, do you think she's blonde or brunette?"

"I don't know DiNozzo, she's a nun for God's sake."

"That's true, she is a nun, for God's sake. I hate nuns."

"You don't know any nuns."

"I did know a fake nun once, she had all the right gear and everything, it was a Halloween party though and I tell you, she sinned that night man, she definitely sinned, I mean she….Aiiieee!!"

"Come on boss, I have sensitive ankles, and you have not so sensitive boots. We are in a holy place, I thought you weren't allowed to be violent in a holy place."

"You ever been in a Catholic school DiNozzo?"

"No"

"Go figure Tony."

"Aaaaalllleeelllluuuuiiiaaa!"

"DiNozzo, you are on protection detail, you really don't have to join in!"

"It's the only word I know, I thought I should join in as a mark of respect."

"You would show more respect if you kept your mouth closed."

"This is so boring. How long can one man talk about one subject? My ears are going to bleed in a minute. You know when I think about it, was Ducky ever a priest?"

"No he was not. I don't think his mom would have been able to cope with her son being a man of the cloth."

"How does everyone manage to keep awake? I mean that guy is seriously sleep inducing."

"Practice DiNozzo, every Sunday, but you are supposed to be listening."

"Boss?"

"What is it now Tony?"

"If I raise my hand, do you think he'll take my question?"

"Tony if you raise your hand, I'll raise mine too, right behind the back of your head."

"Thought you said you weren't going to slap the back of my head here."

"That was before the service started and you started being a pain in the ass, now what the hell was your question anyway?"

"How he does it?"

"Does what?"

"The whole celibacy thing."

"Don't go there."

"Exactly, he doesn't. I mean a man has needs. I mean even nearly men, like McGee and Palmer."

"Tony. Shut up!"

"I can't help it if I'm curious!"

"Well can you be curious about the job we are here to do instead of stupid questions?"

"Oh something's happening boss, there's more music and people are handing out baskets. What's going on? Boss?"

"Calm down Tony, they are collecting money that's all."

"I've only got a twenty. I betcha Probie is panicking all his bills are numbered and indexed in a spreadsheet."

"We don't need to contribute Tony, put your wallet away."

"Oh my God, who the hell is that singing? That is seriously hurting my ears man!"

"DiNozzo, if I have to tell you to pipe down once more I will take you into a confessional and slap you silly. Do you understand?"

"Yes boss…….don't you think those things are kinda hinky?"

"Oh for the love….what Tony….what is hinky?"

"I mean you one side, the priest on the other, telling deepest darkest secrets."

"It's not secrets DiNozzo, it's sins, what you've done wrong."

"Like everything?"

"Yeah, everything"

"Is there a maximum sentence?"

"Hell yes"

"I only asked a question boss."

"Hell is the maximum sentence DiNozzo."

"I think I would spend way to much time in there if I were one of these dudes"

"Ok, Tony, it's the communion time, be on your guard."

"Wonder what it tastes like."

"It's just a piece of wafer Tony."

"Do they come in different flavors like candy?"

"No they do not."

"I guess that would be pretty hard to organize though huh. Would everyone who would like raspberry please form an orderly line down this side of the Church, for those who have expressed a desire for banana flavor please congregate in the centre line and for those who would like a surprise flavor, please gather round up the back and for those who don't give a….."

"OW! Boss, I thought we discussed the whole head slapping thing!"

"I gave into temptation DiNozzo, besides that damn organ is so loud no one will have noticed!"

"You know boss, I don't get why people put themselves through this every week, this has not been fun. It's been like a total butt-paralysing experience."

"It's a religion Tony, some people can't live without it."

"Bit like TV then huh…….OW!"

Last chapter will be published soon: Protection Detail - The Airport.