PJ stood in their little grey tiled bathroom and stared at his reflection, he wasn't really seeing himself but the events of the last few weeks playing in his head. He could never have imagined a day when Dan and Phil split up. Everyone thought they would be together forever they just 'fit'. The break up had sent shock waves through him, and through most of their friends. He loved both of the big dorks and wanted the best for them, and couldn't help but feel that being together despite mistakes, was still the best outcome for both of them.
He ran the tap watching the silvery stream swirl around the porcelain and gurgle down the plughole before dipping his hands into the cold flow and splashing his face. That felt better, helped him clear his head somehow. Dan was taking a long time, the journey from Chris's to here by foot was only about twenty five minutes it had been forty already. A muffled melody rose from his pocket, he pulled out his phone before the ring tone had time for a second bar.
"Hi Chris... Yeah I've got a lot to tell you, not sure when I'll be back depends on when Dan gets here, had he left already when you rang earlier?... Really! Well something's up he should have been here by now... yeah... I'll give him a ring. No it's ok, he might come back to ours...perhaps you should stay there...Thanks love" Chris had wanted to come over, he could look for Dan on the way he reasoned and be there for moral support if and when he did arrive. Peej thought it would be better if he didn't, partly because he wanted things to stay calm. He needed to know what was at the root of the Dan's behaviour, he'd found something out recently that might be linked and if Chris was there he'd might lay into Dan verbally and put him on the defensive.
Why wasn't Dan picking up, what was the little shit up to now. PJ sighed in exasperation. After calling him three times in ten minutes he decided he wasn't going to sit around and wait. It was his own fault if no one was here if and when he arrived. PJ slipped his jacket on, and was adjusting the collar when his phone buzzed. A text from Dan. "Peej sorry for not answering. i got scared, been sitting in Starbucks, i'm outside now you still there?".
PJ opened the door, Dan was slumped a little, his clothes looking more crumpled than usual, his leather jacked seemed to swamp him. PJ hadn't noticed while Dan had been staying with them, perhaps he was too annoyed. Maybe seeing him everyday he didn't notice the slow change, but he realised that Dan had seemed off his food and hadn't eaten much at all since staying with them and it was starting to show. "Is he here?" Dan walked in and started up the stairs before PJ had a chance to stop him. His eyes scanned the flat as he passed each room.
"He's not here Dan".
Dan turned to face PJ surprise and disappointment etched in his features, he walked slowly into the living room and slumped bonelessly down onto the sofa. His back curved and head hanging, arms resting on his thighs with his hands dangling limply between them. PJ pulled a chair over from the table to sit directly opposite him, reaching out to offer a light comforting touch on his shoulder. "What did you expect though Dan, Phil to run into your arms and shower you with kisses or something?" PJ winced a little remembering what Phil had said about being too weak to resist him, realising that that could easily have been what might have happened.
"Is he OK? Where is he, he's gone out to avoid me hasn't he? Chris grassed on me didn't he, told you I was coming" Dan looked kind of broken, desperate even. "Yeah he did go to avoid you, and he won't be back later, so don't go thinking it's worth waiting. Even I don't know where he is, he said he wanted time on his own without you pestering him".
Dan looked more shocked than he had any right to "Pestering!?.. Oh God is that how he sees it". Dan's face was a picture of misery.
"Well of course it is Dan, you cheated on him, just fucking started playing away behind his back without even telling him you wanted a break or to break up, then you apparently change your mind and bombard him with messages and phone calls. He told me to tell you not to text him..." PJ passed on Phil's message and saw Dan's face redden, the rims of his eyes already pink started to glisten, and his lips looked puffed and flushed. He seemed as if he was about to burst into tears, but managed to hold it back. He let out a loud broken groan.
"What the hell was I thinking Peej, I didn't love Jen, to be honest after the first week or two I barely liked her. She just wanted to date one of the DJ's I don't think it mattered to her who it was. I never fell out of love with Phil, I just got the stupid idea in my head that I needed to explore more options. Maybe I panicked when Phil started talking about house hunting, and getting somewhere nice for a family".
PJ cocked his head eyebrows drawn together, this was new, Phil had never mentioned anything about this to him, but it might link in with what someone else had said. "I love kids Peej but hell no one even knows we're together for sure, let alone suddenly rocking up with a kid and new house in a good catchment area. I don't want kids Peej! Not yet anyway, I'm not ready. I'm only twenty two and our career is just really taking off. I guess maybe Phil's reached a point where he wants to settle down more firmly".
Dan combed his fingers through his hair roughly, his face slowly draining of colour, but the apples of his cheeks still flushed and blotchy, almost feverish. He slumped back on the familiar sofa and stared at the ceiling trying to stop the burning tears that still threatened to spill from his eyes, almost panting with the effort of pulling himself together.
PJ stood up, hands on hips about to speak, he shut his mouth not quite knowing what to say, and marched over to the window. He placed his hands flat on the sill leaning down a little and stared out into the still bright afternoon light. Quietly he spoke. "Sorry Dan I didn't know you guys were having issues about where you were in your lives right now. Phil never mentioned..."
Dan cut in "I don't suppose he would, he denied that he was serious about it even to me. Just thinking about the future he said, distant future; but then I'd find him at two thirty in the morning browsing houses on right move with a tab open next to it of funny baby videos. The way he looked at little Darcy when Louise brought her over a few weeks ago was heart melting, but kind of scary too."
PJ was beginning to understand why Dan had freaked out and acted so out of character, not that it excused his behaviour one bit. "We've never even got a pet, though Phil really wants one. Because we're too busy and it wouldn't be fair having to leave it with friends or at a cattery/kennel when we're not around. How the hell would we manage a kid!" "Did you bring it up seriously with him? Tell him how you felt?"
"Yeah, a couple of days before I met Jen, he said to trust him and not worry, that there was a surprise that would kind of explain things". "Did you find out the surprise?" "No, we were busy with work, and then I met Jen, she was cool, and working in a recording studio she'd got to know a lot of musicians as friends. I guess I was a little flattered that she wanted me to get to know them too... " Dan stopped talking for a moment, staring at the carpet, willing himself to carry on speaking "At first I just thought we were flirty friends. Jesus what came over me! I don't even like socialising that much. I just want Phil. I wish I could just take the red pill and go back to my reality, cuddle up with him and mainline a season of Buffy, or have a cosy night in playing board games. I miss him, I miss our life. I'll do anything for him, I can't live without him Peej, I need his love. I know that now."
PJ moved to sit next to his friend pulling him into a hug and leaving an arm around his shoulder, this was the first time he'd really listened to Dan, just shut up and let him talk instead of throwing angry accusations at him. He felt a little guilty about that, although he still thought Dan should have handled things very differently. "Actually I think I might have a good idea what the surprise was, and if I'm right you didn't have a thing to worry about. You should know by now that you can trust Phil! I don't think he'd go all broody and not discuss it with you, I don't even think he actually would think about stuff like that unless you'd hit that point too. He's so attuned to you. All Phil wants is for you to be happy to the point where your friends think its creepily cute."
"Poor Phil, I'm a fucking bastard" Dan lowered his face into his hands, squeezing his eyes tight shut pressing the heel of his hands against them as if trying to force the pain away.
"You know what you have to do don't you?"
"Is there anything I can do? he's run away just so he doesn't have to look at me, he hates me Peej, and I don't blame him."
"I think that being patient, and consistent followed by a damn big gesture might help."
"Really! Like what!? hire a bloody plane to write I love you Phil, please take me back in the sky" Dan's voice dripped with sarcasm.
"Remember when he spent a fortune on you, taking you to that fancy restaurant and spoiling you rotten, just to show you how special you were to him. The video he made because he just couldn't not do something really special for valentine's day. Taking you to Las Vegas for your birthday, and so many more things. All big gestures Dan, I think he'd get it if you could think of something for him."
Dan stared at PJ, he might just be right. Nothing could be guaranteed but he had to try. He sat straighter on the sofa, a new sense of purpose almost visibly filling him. "Peeeeej?... you said you thought you might know what the secret might be. Can you tell me?"
X
Phil lay on the bed at a Premier Inn on the outskirts of the city staring at the ceiling. These beds weren't as uncomfortable as he'd expected the room was quite pleasant. The view from the window was a bit of a semi-urban red brick nightmare but he wasn't spending any time gazing out upon it anyway. The en-suite was ok and there was a small desk and small sofa in the room. It gave him what he thought he needed, a neutral cocoon away from the plethora of memories that surrounded him at the flat.
He tried to push away thoughts that crowded in on him by unpacking his messily thrown together bag. Maybe using the provided hangers might allow the slight crumples to ease out of his T-shirts and he wouldn't need to find an iron. He placed his Macbook on the desk and plugged it in. Sitting down he opened up some familiar programmes and decided to edit a video he'd made before Dan left. It would give hime something to do, he needed to start getting back to doing everyday things.
Normally he and Dan would be going through last minute planning for the radio show today. After a couple of hours working he pushed the wooden chair back letting his hands fall straight down by his sides and took a deep breath. Getting out his phone he started to text.
"Hi Peej, could you do me yet another favour? can't face talking to Dan right now, but I've decided I'm going to do the radio show tomorrow. I don't want to risk our bosses seeing me as unreliable. Would you mind telling him not to bother talking to me, I'm going in, I'll do the show and then I leave, I don't want him harassing me or thinking me being civil to him during the show means anything. If you'd rather not get involved by passing it on I understand, let me know and I'll email him. He might not see it before the show, but I'll have tried. Thanks, sorry for the rambling 3"
Phil tried to concentrate while he waited for PJ's reply. He hoped he would send one so that he knew what his next move should be.
"Phil, it's done! I've told Dan to be on his best behaviour. In fact Bryony's going to come to the studio with me to wait for you to finish, so you don't feel too awkward having to leave at the same time, just you and Dan. Don't say not to, it's too late we're coming."
Phil scanned the text, a weak smile formed on his lips, he threw his phone onto the bed and threw himself after it. Lying on his back his arm raised across his eyes. His mouth retained the same shape but somehow what emitted from it was a pitiful wail, he let himself cry. Maybe he could get it out of his system before tomorrow.
The room was dark apart from the annoying red led light on the T.V. The muted sounds of traffic still hummed through the windows. He had no idea what time it was, and was still lying on his back though his arm had moved. His body tingled and as he shifted his hips to turn he realised he was hard. The friction against his jeans brought a surprised gasp from him. How on earth could he have been unaware that he had a boner. He'd been dreaming about Dan, of course he was fucking hard. He turned him on like no one else.
Phil growled low in his throat, doing his best to ignore the throbbing between his legs he moved to the bathroom, stripped of as fast as he could and set the shower to cool, even though it wasn't particularly warm in the room. He was going to get rid of this hard on one way or another and it wasn't going to be through a wank. His mind would only create images of Dan in his head and really rip him up.
X
Back at Chris – and PJ's flat Dan looked surprised and excited when PJ told him Phil was going to be with him for the radio show, he started immediately to plan in his head what he would say. How he could go about trying to get Phil to trust him again. Before he could get too far on that track PJ slapped him down, telling him that he had to behave himself, no talking to Phil other than about the radio show. Or pestering him afterwards.
A huge sigh escaped him and the light left his eyes a little. "How am I supposed to do any of the things you suggested if he won't even exchange a word with me Peej!?". "Yeah, it's going to be harder than I'd hoped... what if you gave me a letter to pass on to him, I'll tell him he doesn't have to read it, but we can hope he does..."
"Would you do that for me?" Dan smiled for the first time that day. "Yeah, I still think you've been a shit, but you love each other, and you were young when you met... not that it excuses you... but maybe you deserve one chance... Tell him everything you told me about how you panicked; that you realise it was irrational and why..."
Dan didn't waste any time getting down to the task, between them the three boys came up with reasonably acceptable writing paper and envelopes, though Dan thought Chris's Batman themed envelopes might be a little inappropriate. He sat on the Sofa, his laptop closed for once, being used as a lap desk as he scribbled away, brows drawn together in concentration, more than one draft ended up on the floor. Finally he slipped the three page letter into the envelope and sealed it. PJ grinned as Dan kissed the envelope "Jesus, look at me, big lovesick lump. I might as well write S.W.A.L.K* on the envelope". PJ chuckled, "well Dan stage one underway".
"Yeah, but I won't get my hopes up Peej, he must hate me so much right now."
Dan arrived early for the show practically sick with nerves at seeing Phil again he hadn't slept much that night. He was starting to perspire with nerves when it got to the moment Jameela introduced them to read the album chart. Just as he was about to say that Phil had been unavoidably detained Phil walked into shot smiling with a sheaf of paper, a copy of Dan's own that one of their producers had sorted out for him. Dan smiled at him, Phil returned it stiffly, his adams apple moving painfully up and down as he took a gulp before answering "Hi Jameela!" with a big smile.
From then on the radio show went smoothly. Phil was a little more distracted than usual but not enough that anyone would think it odd. Dan tried to make eye contact several times, it wasn't so much as trying, he just couldn't keep his eyes off Phil. He drank him up, using every excuse to press near him, to breath in his familiar scent. Brushing so close at one point off camera that they could have kissed. Dan closed his eyes frozen, breathing deeply his heart pounding. When he opened them again Phil had moved to the other side of the room and was writing something on the white board.
As planned Bryony was there, she was still pissed with Dan and wouldn't talk to him, fussing over Phil as she ushered him with PJ out of the building. Dan didn't try to approach Phil, just giving him a small apologetic smile before their ways parted and Dan made the lonely way back to Chris at the flat. He hoped that Phil would read the letter and consider it.
The sound of his feet on the concrete pavement seemed to echo in his ears setting up a rhythm, it broadcast his prayers to the skies above him, 'please let Phil forgive me, forgive me, forgive me'.
X
Back at the hotel Phil sat on the Sofa, just the small reading lights above the bed illuminating the room. He didn't know how long he'd been there but he was starting to feel cold and numb. Being cheerful for the cameras with Dan in touching distance had been the hardest thing he thought he'd ever had to do. He could still smell his scent now if he closed his eyes.
He drew a small Batman envelope out of his bag. Arms resting along his thighs he held it with a thumb on either bottom corner and stared at it. Finally he turned it over and re-read the short message on the front. "Phil. I know you hate me and I deserve it, but please could you find it in your heart to read the letter inside. I know it might not make any difference to how you feel about me but it might."
Phil knew he would open the envelope in the end. He so wanted things to be back the way they were, they never would be, there would always be a tiny corner of his mind that would worry. Could he live with that, was it worth it to have Dan back in his life. Right at this moment he though it might be. So instead of following what his head told him to do, throw the envelope in the bin, with trembling hands he followed his heart and opened the envelope.