Noctis & Friends Cause Chaos
Chapter 2: Battle of the Sexes
Noctis and friends reluctantly followed Iris as she gave them a boring tour of Lestalum, even though they had already visited Lestalum, like, a bajillion times.
"And this here is the power plant," said Iris with much exposition in her demeanor, gesturing towards the obvious power plant across the bridge. "It is run completely by woman, because women are awesome. In fact, woman do all the hard work around here. After all, if we can give birth, we can do anything. Women are awesome. Did I mention that women are awesome?"
"Sure, sure," said an unconvinced and unenthusiastic Noctis, "and that's exactly why you've needed the help of us men to defeat those demons in there."
Iris placed her hands on her hips. "It's not like we women can't defeat those demons ourselves. We just prefer not to do it ourselves because we have harder, more important tasks that need our attendance."
Noctis feigned a nod. "Uh huh, sure."
After they had ditched Iris some time later, they came across a skinny man standing behind a food stand. The man came out from behind his stand and approached them, fidgeting all the meanwhile. "Are you the prince who is to succeed King Regis?"
Noctis shifted uncomfortably. "Uh, yes. Why do you ask?"
The man shook Noctis by the shoulders. "You've got to help me! These women are getting progressive at a dangerous rate! They screw me with a strap on, even though I'm not a masochist! I've got hemorrhoids the size of bowling balls!"
The chain attached to one of his legs began pulling him away. "NO! YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND! I HAVEN'T HAD SEX IN DAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAYS!" He was pulled into a castration facility and the steel door slammed shut behind him. His cries of anguish echoed from inside and gallons of blood gushed out from under the door.
As it turned out, the facility had a conveyor belt that sent meat directly to the hot dog factory.
Ignis gaped at the half eaten hotdog he had almost put back in his mouth and then proceeded to dump it into a nearby trash bin. "I was starting to think that tasted awfully sour." He said this with a casual demeanor as though the revelation was a minor inconvenience, even though quite the contrary applied.
Several devout feminists turned away from their altar of feminism and glared at Noctis and his friends.
"Oh great. Looks like we've got ourselves some privileged white males to deal with," said one of the feminists, sneering all the meanwhile.
"Well last I recall everyone here is predominantly white and privileged," said Noctis. "I mean, this is a Final Fantasy world, after all. Lack of representation is sort of our specialty."
"The point still remains that you're still male oppressors!"
"Oh right, and you're clearly oppressed."
"Well of course we are!" said a snobby woman with a diamond ring the size of her head. "It happens all the time in A Game of Thrones, and that's a very accurate representation of ancient history!" (Not it wasn't.)
"But that's ancient history. It doesn't account for modern times."
"Yes, but we figured that, if you males oppressed us for a finite amount of time, it would only be fair to oppress you for an infinite amount of time, starting with the wrecking of your car."
Noctis turned towards the side of the road where he had parked the Regalia and, to his horror, found that it was covered with feminist graffiti. Also, a hobo was making love to its tailpipe, ensuring that the Regalia would give birth to baby cars that would be a burden of responsibility for Noctis. (Wait, is that how cars are made?)
Noctis ran his hands through his perfect hair. "No! That's my dad's car! His ghost is going to stab me with a sword for this!"
"Don't worry, Noct! I'll get revenge for you, my love!" Prompto made a bazooka magically appear out of thin air and fired a missile at the altar, blowing it into smithereens.
"How dare you blow up our false god!" said a feminist. "You will die for this, you degenerate males!"
An army of feminists and their male thralls came at them with kitchen utensils that had once served to enslave them to a kitchen, but which now were repurposed as weapons of war.
Metallica started playing St. Anger while using a set of trash cans instead of drums.
Prompto used his phone to send a slew of sexist posts across social media.
Several phone addicted Tumblrites read these texts and got so triggered that they entered a rocket and blasted the hell off into safe space, which was like space, only safer.
Donald Trump just so happened to be touring Lestalum because he was privileged enough to do so. He pointed at a group of feminists huddled in an alleyway. "I'm going to build a wall, and you're going to pay for it!" He quickly placed low poly Minecraft blocks and built a wall, blocking them off from the outside world, though it turned out that this is exactly what the feminists wanted, for now they had a safe space cut off from the outside world.
"That's some mighty fine craftsmanship," said Noctis, admiring the wall.
"I like you, kid. Here, have a small loan of one million dollars." Trump handed him a bag full of golden doubloons.
Noctis grabbed a handful of the doubloons and performed GilToss by throwing them at a crowd of feminists with such force that they were dashed into pieces. "Who says you can't solve problems by throwing money at it?" He dabbed eastward towards Mecca.
"I'm sure you will make Lucis great again!" Thanos snapped his fingers and Trump dematerialized into a puff of Cheeto dust, much to the relief of illegal immigrants everywhere.
A group of muscular women approached Gladiolus.
"There's no way you will be able to beat all of us," one of them said.
Gladiolus scoffed. "Please, I could beat you all without even making physical contact."
"Oh really?"
"Damn right I can." Gladiolus sat down on a bench that was conveniently within his vicinity and made sure to manspread as wide as possible.
The feminists were so triggered by this that they fainted and fell over, knocking each other over like stacks of dominoes and making Gladiolus win Guinness World Record for most dominoes toppled. Their toppling picked up momentum further back in the crowd, so much so, in fact, that feminists started to be dashed into meat chunks, which Ignis cooked up into burgers and served to unsuspecting customers.
"Too easy," said Gladiolus, confidently. He then attempted to stand up, but found that someone had handcuffed his arms and legs to the bench when he wasn't looking. "What form of witchcraft is this? Show yourself, vile sorceress!"
A feminist came up to him and repeatedly punched him in the groin with the speed and strength of jackhammers, treating his nuts like a mere punching bag. At the same time, Dolores Umbridge performed the Cruciatus Curse on his balls. "This is only a millionth of a fraction of the pain we experience during childbirth!"
Gladiolus let out a manly roar. "Truly you are gods amongst men!"
A woman began chanting. "I identify as an attack helicopter." She said this and, because she believed it, she transmogrified into a black military helicopter complete with missile launchers. "DIE, CIS SCUM!" She fired several missiles at Noctis.
Noctis' warping abilities allowed him to dodge these missiles with ease, and the missiles missed their intended target and instead blew up random civilians and a school bus full of innocent children. Before the last missile could make contact, Noctis gripped a lamp post and used it to spin himself around and kick the missile, deflecting it back at the helicopter.
"FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU—!" cried the helicopter as it hurtled towards the ground and exploded into a massive mushroom cloud shaped like a middle finger.
Thor came soaring down from the sky, wielding his new hammer, Thotslayer. (He lost Stormbreaker to a bet with Beta Ray Bill.) "BEGONE, VILE THOTS!" He raised Thotslayer skyward and sent lightning down from Viking heaven, electrocuting a throng of angry feminists and, incidentally, a pool full of innocent children.
Thor's hammer dropped from his hand and he realized what he had done to make himself unworthy of wielding it. "I have forgotten the face of my father!" He took refuge to the City of Refuge to find protection from the avenger of blood, and he would stay there until he stood trial before the assembly and until the death of the high priest who was serving at that time.
Neo Cortex came passing by and stumbled upon the hammer. "I know there's no way I could be worthy, though I don't suppose it would hurt to try." He lifted the hammer with ease and a sinister grin stretched across his face. "Yes! Yes, I am worthy!" He held the hammer skyward and sent lightning down, accidentally electrocuting himself and producing a scream reminiscent of a male opera singer.
Buzzsaw Billy the Amish man came out of the farmers market and joined the fray. "Put on some modest clothing, you damn whores!" He took off his satanic straw hat and threw it like a Frisbee towards a cluster of feminists, its bladed rim coming into contact with their necks and severing their heads clean from their shoulders, blood spurting from their severed necks like lava from a volcano.
Spyro the Dragon came gliding down from the Toys for Bob headquarters while Flight of the Sapphire Dragon by Twilight Force played in the background in all of its cheesy, magnificent glory. He landed on a tank and turned its cannon without even having to touch an interface. He just sat there on the top and the tank operated by itself, almost as if through psychic powers. "Bob called! He said he wants his toys back!"
He fired the cannon and blew up a toy store full of innocent children. No idea what this had to do with the primary conflict, but it happened nonetheless.
Ardyn Izunia came striding up the road, wearing his baggy hobo clothes and an edgelord fedora that would ensure that he would never get laid in his entire life. "Come on now, people, there is no need for such petty quarreling!"
Everyone ceased their fighting and became silent, listening intently to what he had to say.
"I have got a suggestion for a new way of life that is guaranteed to work for everyone. It's called 'gender equality'. It involves setting aside our differences and working together for the greater good. What do you say?"
Everyone said: "No!" At once, and then resumed their barbaric fighting.
Ardyn threw up his hands in dismay. "Fine! But don't you be surprised if I become a bad guy by the next time you see me!" He sat down on a bench and began reading a copy of How To Start A World of Ruin for The Villainously Inadequate by Kefka Pallazo.