Tetsuo woke up in the middle of the night, dripping in sweat. The windows were open, allowing the humid air of the summer to creep in. He found himself shivering, and realized he was wearing nothing more than his blue pants and white boxers. He sat up on his bed – wait – Kaneda's bed? He was alone, Kaneda nowhere to be seen. His head felt like it was being torn open, and he instinctively closed his eyes, trying to remember what happened within the past few hours and how he ended up like that – shirtless, sleeping in his best friend's bed and with a massive headache. He recalled drinking, smoking, playing videogames. Then taking some pills, drinking more, smoking even more, until everything was a blur. God, his fucking head...
Feeling a knot forming in his stomach, he threw on his clothes and left Kaneda's room, heading out for his place as fast as he could, his mind empty.
. . . .
The sun streamed through the broken shutters, letting on a single but strong white light to hit his eye. Tetsuo awoke once more, this time in his own room. The space was boiling, and smelled of cigarettes and sweat. His mouth was dry and he could feel the fog of a hangover coming over him. The headache hit him again, but this time the memories of last night came together all at once, like a stone breaking the surface of a stagnant pool. They drank and smoked and played videogames, but they also... they also kissed. Holy shit. They kissed and Kaneda bit Tetsuo's lower lip. He bit him back, but also... also on his neck and throat. They took their shirts off at one point. Maybe he took his off first?
Fuck, the more that returned to him the more abashed he felt, but he couldn't stop it; the memories of last night were rushing through his mind like a fucking torrent.
Tetsuo again felt something strange creeping against his guts, like... butterflies? Bullshit. He must have been hungry.
. . . .
Kaneda walked into the classroom, late as usual, wearing his yellow shirt, skinny blue jeans, and pitch-black wayfarers. Tetsuo felt his insides go ice cold the moment he saw his friend pass through the doorframe. Act normal. Act fucking normal.
Kaneda probably didn't remember a thing, anyway. He always forgot what he did when he was wasted. Shit, he's coming. Act. Fucking. Norm-
"Dude, what happened last night? I feel like I was hit by a fucking battle tank. How about you?" He said as he sat down next to Tetsuo.
I feel that too, Kaneda. But it might not be the same way you do.
"Um, yeah… my head hurts. What about yours?"
You're acting normal, good job Tetsuo, keep doing that man.
"Holy shit, my head is about to explode, why do you think I'm using these sunglasses? The light, it fucking hurts my eyes!"
"It must be the pills." Tetsuo said the first thing that came to his mind, scratching the back of his head and looking away.
"Yeah, the pills, or whatever we took last night…"
Silence passed between them, broke by the boring sound of chalk scratching the blackboard and Tetsuo's own breathing. He felt the silence growing thicker, heavier, until he could almost feel its weight upon his back. He realized he was sweating. Say something. Say something.
"So, um, did you sleep well?"
What kind of question is that you shithead?
"Yeah…" Kaneda said, after hesitating for a few seconds, like the mere act of thinking wasn't worth the energy expenditure. "But I woke up lying on the bathroom floor." He let out a small laugh.
Tetsuo smiled nervously in response, brushing his hair back with shaky hands.
"Yeah, I saw… I… slept on your bed."
"It's okay, dude, how many times have you done that? I was so wasted I could've slept in the middle of the road." He frowned a little. "But you weren't there when I woke up."
"Um, yeah, I went home. It was still night."
"Oh…" Kaneda said, thoughtful. "But why? You could have st-"
"I needed to." Tetsuo cut his friend off. "To take a shower. And change clothes."
Luckily Kaneda said nothing in response. Maybe he was so tired he couldn't talk, maybe last night didn't phase him.
Tetsuo felt tense for the rest of the class. His muscles were strained, his neck ached, and his heart was beating in an erratic rhythm. He practically jumped when the teacher announce that class was dismissed, 'cause he didn't want to meet Yamagata or Kai. He didn't even want to see Kaneda's face again, 'cause it was making him sicker than he already was. His mouth was dry and he felt thirsty, but at the same time it was like his guts would fell out at any moment.
He saw the other guys coming and increased his pace. Kai's high pitch voice was heard among the chat in the corridors:
"Holy shit, Kaneda! What the actual fuck happened to your neck?"
Tetsuo turned his head, immediately regretting this action. Kaneda was surrounded by their friends, a stupid smirk on his face, loving the attention that they were giving him.
"What the hell are you talking about?" Kaneda said, looking genuinely confused.
"Shit, Kaneda, you looked at yourself in the mirror today?"
Yamagata was staring agape. It was not just one, but three mottled spots, two on the left, one on the right side of Kaneda's neck, next to his throat. The now familiar cold feeling appeared once more, and Tetsuo felt his palms sweating again and his legs shaking like jelly. He wanted to run. He wanted to punch Kaneda in his fucking face, break all his stupid teeth. An unwanted flash of last night assaulted his mind, and he really thought he was going to throw up.
"I don't know what you're talk-"
"Who is the girl? Is that one from last Friday night?"
"You're so lucky, how do you do that? She must be ten years older than you."
"Well... It's not easy, but I can teach you someday." The guys bursted into laughter.
I can't believe he's acting like this, Tetsuo thought as he turned away again, trying to leave unnoticed.
"Oi! Tetsuo!"
Shit.
"Tetsuo!" Kaneda said, reaching for his shoulder. "You were there too, right? Tell 'em!"
"I... I wasn't." He said, averting Kaneda's eyes.
"What?"
"I don't remember."
"You fucking kidding me? You're the one who always remember everything!"
"It must be the pills." He mumbled, turning away shortly and walking as fast as he could without running.
. . . .
Tetsuo was lying in bed since he came home from school. The sun was setting and his room now was tinted in a deep orange hue. He hadn't even eaten or showered or moved, and even if his body felt better, his mind was still aching.
Inside his head he was waging war against himself, as if two halves of his brain were fighting against each other. Half of him felt guilty; the other half was just confused. Something deep inside him was saying that what happened that night at Kaneda's place was entirely in Tetsuo's plans, since the time Kaneda asked him to come over. The more he denied it, the more the images and feelings of that night invaded his mind: how happy he was that they were spending some time together, without the other guys, like the old times. How his whole body relaxed as he drank, and how, suddenly, in a drunken stupor, he just wanted to hold Kaneda's hands or touch Kaneda's hair for no reason at all. How he kept telling stupid jokes just to see Kaneda laughing like an idiot. How, at the first opportunity, he threw his arms around Kaneda's shoulders, and Kaneda willingly accepted his touch, putting an arm around Tetsuo's waist and throwing him on the sofa.
One of his halves was trying to remember who kissed first, but his other half said that it doesn't matter, they were both guilty anyway. All Tetsuo could recall was that, all at once, Kaneda had his tongue running inside his mouth. Rough, nervous and desperate, so new and different from all he had felt until then.
He got up, realizing that staying in his bed tossing and turning wouldn't get him nowhere, and went to the bathroom. He was in need of a cold shower.
. . . .
They went to the Harukiya that night. Tetsuo was sitting by the counter, silently drinking his beer, occasionally stealing glances at the other guys at the nearby tables. Kaneda was among them, laughing, being the center of attention as always. He was everything Tetsuo wasn't, and it seemed people actually wanted to be around him. Sometimes, Tetsuo felt like his friends didn't really want to hang out with him, like they were doing him some kind of favor. 'Cause he was a boring, clumsy cry-baby. He was good at riding his bike, but not as good as Kaneda. His bike wasn't as good as Kaneda's, either. He couldn't talk to girls. He couldn't talk to guys. Sometimes, he couldn't talk to anyone except Kaneda.
Their eyes locked for a second and he felt that familiar sensation at the top of his stomach. Fuck, he's coming.
"Hey." Kaneda said with a half-drunken smile.
"Hey."
"Mind if I join you?"
"No." Tetsuo said, avoiding his friend's gaze. "No. Not at all."
They sat there for a while, both silently drinking, Tetsuo staring at his boots. He felt Kaneda's eye on him.
"If there's something you want to tell me…"
"It's nothing!" Tetsuo barked, his eyes finally meeting with those of the boy beside him.
"Tetsuo, I swear to god sometimes I think you're cr–"
"You don't remember, do you?" he said, abruptly.
"What?"
"Your neck. You have no idea how it happened, right?"
They looked at each other for a long time. Kaneda's expression changed from one of surprise to one of anger to one of confusion, and then it seemed that something finally hit him. He frowned, Tetsuo still looking deep in his eyes. He had no idea where he got the courage to keep his head up, but he couldn't look at anything else at that moment.
"Oi, I'm tired of this horse piss they sell here. Kaneda!"
Someone shouted nearby, but it seemed it was miles away. All the chatting and the music around them turned into muffled sounds, like his head was making so much noise he couldn't listen to anything else. Tetsuo sustained his gaze, determined.
You don't have anything to say, do you? Seems like I won this time. The mighty Kaneda, the leader of the Capsules, doesn't have anything clever to say, and is staring at me agape like a fucking fish.
"Kaneda!" Yamagata's voice now was close, and immediately Tetsuo realized that he and Kaneda were surrounded by the rest of the gang.
"Okay, let's go!" Kaneda turned away, taking his leave as if Tetsuo wasn't there.