Crossroads of Self-Destruction II-In the Empty Hall Ways
Night came and passed, but I still cannot get the notion of being left alone out of my head. Morning… Today is a dreadful morning for it brought no relief to me but only intensified my fear by a little. Each morning marked the passing of yet another day, therefore shortening my time with him. I am starting to despise the transition from night to day because I knew that with every morning that came, the deadline comes closer and I fall apart a little more.
Heavily dragging myself out of bed, I went to take a shower. The water did not seem to wash away my worries at all, for as the hot water burned my skin, I could only stand there and space out, staring at the cold marble wall opposing me. I let the water burn my pale skin because I find the scorching pain somewhat comforting. Yes, if it could cook myself alive, I would be happy with that. If it so conveniently happened, I would no longer have to be devastated at the thought of leaving Kyouya. Compared to the pain in my soul at the thought of our parting ways, my burning skin is nothing at all.
I cannot remember since when dressing for school became such a painful process, but I found it particularly depressing this morning when I pulled on the light lavender colour uniform blazer. I realize that in a few days, we will never be wearing the same uniform again, and the memories that we shared in that lavender uniform will only relive in my heart… The OR monogram crest will be a symbol of the past as we step forward and advance, going wherever life might lead us.
I gazed at myself in that uniform for a long moment before I pound my fist into the mirror and fell weakly to my knees. I do not want to look at that symbol any longer. It reminds me of all the good time we spent together at the host club. It reminds me that those good times are about to leave, never to return. I do not want to remember that… I do not want to remember his face, but every time I close my eyes there it is. Kyouya, if you only knew that I am constantly thinking of you… But what good will that do us now? That discovery will only confuse us both, and I want nothing less than to become a burden to him. I'd much rather carry this pain alone and die that way than tell him only to trouble him.
Trouble, ha. That was all I have been to him these pass years, I know. He had saved my neck during countless occasions, and all I am able to do in return is cause him more trouble. I know I cause unnecessary drama in his life, and I really do not want to be holding him back from anything… But playing the martyr is so lonely. And now I know.
The halls are strangely deserted this morning. Good. There is nothing I want to say to anyone, and there was no one that I really wanted to see, save for Kyouya, but then again, I will see him tonight at his house… I hope that I do not say too much. He must have realized by now my change in behavior, and he probably only invited me over to interrogate me. What should I tell him? I cannot be so selfish to him… If I told him what was truly on my mind, he would only be bothered by the petty details. The truth was I really do want him to know how I feel, but the timing is so horrible. We have less than a week left to graduation. Should we never cross paths again, and I pray to god that we do, it would only hurt him if he returned those… Haha… I am stupid. Of course he doesn't return those feelings! Why would he? I am a guy, and I know that he seem to have feelings for Haruhi… I wonder if he is desperately trying to hold on to her as I am to him. No, even if he was, he would never let it be known. That's not his style.
Unlike me, he has always been very cool about everything, regardless of how horrible it might make him feel inside. Me? I cannot help but let my concerns become a public affair. I am just that weak. It is revolting really how weak I am. I cannot handle things on my own, and I always make the wrong decision. If Kyouya was not there for me… If he was not there for me, I wonder if I would even be here today.
The more I think about it, the more I am growing to hate myself. Me, the egotistical king of Ouran High School hating himself… If the world only knew how I truly feel every time I proclaimed my greatness… If they only knew how very ugly I could be… I do not think that they would ever find me attractive. But Kyouya knew, and Kyouya has not rejected me quite yet. My flaws are actually what he likes about me, and he was the first person who has ever allowed me to just be myself. It was because I met him that I was finally able to accept myself as flawed and inadequate. Now, all those years of confidence are quickly crumbling down, and I feel more insecure than ever.
Please God, don't take away my only light. Don't banish me into the darkness again. As worthless as I am on my own, I want to be given the chance to live… But if anyone should take Kyouya away from me, by what means should I keep living? I wonder.