Because we all still complain from day to day about this kind of bullshit.

Also, hey, I'm back.

Okay, so we all know about Pokémon, right? Right?

I mean, yeah, we can always miss that 50-foot poster of Pikachu, or the pokemon events and parties and cosplayers, but hey.

Now here's pokemon in a nutshell: you enslave creatures by stuffing them in a ball no bigger than your hand and you force them to beat other innocent creatures (who were minding their business) into oblivion.

Sometimes quite literally.

This is all to prove that friendship will also be relevant.

But before you can grab a Gameboy or 3ds to flay everyone alive, you need to know the basics.

And by basics, I mean typing. C'mon, surely you know how to play rpg games, so this should be a snap...unless you've never played an rpg game.

Now, let's begin.

First off would be the normal types.

People will tell you that these are weaker than most pokemon.

Bullshit.

Some normal types are BLESSED with the legendary Hyper Beam. That's a fucking laser. A LASER. If anybody ever gets on your bad side, and if you have the pokemon with this move, just SHOOP DA WHOOP THEIR ASS OUT OF EXISTENCE.

Normal types are also unaffected by ghost attacks and stuff, but are weak to fighting types, which is questionable, because apparently imagining my lopunny tanking a Heavy Slam is not as realistic as imagining her faint from Brick Break, or Low Kick.

Next on our list would be fire types, the most overrated types to ever step into a fandom.

...What kinda sh...

They're not as cool as you think (sans laugh). In fact, they're weak to water, rocks, earth, hugs...that type of stuff (but not hugs).

Yeah, they're offensive as hell (sans laugh), but fire type combinations are the real deal.

Next, we have the water types, which are the rats of Pokémon because there's too many dam water types.

Pfft.

They're weak to grass (because it's grass, dude...grass absorbs water), and electric types. In fact, because of this, if you were to get a water type starter, you'd basically start off the "easy mode" of the game since this type hardly has a weaknesses you should worry about.

You think I'm joking?

I spent 20 minutes fighting a gyrados. That includes deaths and stuff. That either means I suck at Pokémon, or that's a beefy gyrados.

I'd say that's a beefy gyrados.

Next, we have grass types.

Feel free to get all the plant puns out of your system.

"Your ass is grass!"

"Your name's gonna be mud (wait that's a ground type pun)"

"You remember the circle of life? You're the grass, I'm the antelope."

"I'm gonna graze you!"

"Get ready to get MOWED!"

"Time to weed you out, buddy."

"I'm gonna stalk ya to the ground."

"I WON'T LEAF YOUR POKÉMON ALONE UNTIL IT WILTS."

No, but seriously, grass types are weak to fire, bug, flying, and ice types. Fortunately, grass types have a perk that's very useful: they're not affected by any type of powder or spores. Good to know if you're friend decides to be a butt button and spams Sleeping Powder or something like that.

And, quite frankly, that's all the Pokémon types I want to go over for now (because gee I don't know 16 different types of Pokémon left can take up a toilet full of time and my fingers are not up for that). In the meantime, let's just worry about the future of Pokémon.

Are they really running out of ideas?

Are they ever going to catch a break?

Who knows?

WILL ASH EVER GROW UP?

Next time on

POKEMON Z

...

What, they already came out with that season?

Are you joking? You gotta be joshing right now.

...

Okay, seriously, what the fffff-