This is possibly the quickest i've ever written something. Seriously before this my record was like three months. Enjoy!
Living in South Park is a trial no one should have to face. Disaster and scandal are as frequent Eric's attempts at exterminating the Jews. And the Canadians. And Kenny. And basically half the town who still call him fatass. The other half hasn't actually said it to his face, but you just know they're thinking it.
Those who've moved to South Park are often prejudged by this small redneck community. Are you just like them? If so then you'll soon be accepted. Did you move to America from Europe? If the answer's yes then you'll be forced to endure a series of humiliating and potentially fatal trials just to have a chance at being accepted. Well unless you're Gregory. He's smart, according to the girls totally hot and great at sports. This is somewhat surprising.
Hmm, now that I think about it Christophe didn't have to go through these trials either. Well unless you count the whole Canadian war thing where he died. But Damien brought him back on his last trip to South Park from Hell so everything worked out. Christophe, or Mole as he prefers to be known as, is somewhat ruggedly handsome, constantly swears at everyone and is surely on a way to an early but admittedly very pleasurable grave with all of the smoking, drinking, partying and guys he's done. So I suppose that's the reason he didn't have to go through those trials either. Although he's hardly a great student, he's even worse than Eric. Something very few of us thought possible. Ever.
Damien is a little different. Well for one he's the son of Satan himself; and please don't let him know I told you but he's somewhat…emotionally retarded. He's the kind of chap who'll insult you to your face about your looks, your sexual appetite, the last person you slept with and your family or living situation and then ask you why you're so upset. What's worrying is he honestly doesn't realise he's insulting you. According to him you should always be honest. But when dear Kenneth tried insulting Damien about his father's sexual endeavours and claiming he was being honest, it didn't work out so well.
Damien did say Kenneth's genitals would eventually be reattached but the trauma of having his brain separated from him for three whole hours proved too much for Kenneth. So he threw himself under the next moving vehicle. This was, strangely enough, being driven by Stan who'd just passed his driving licence. I'm not sure Stanley has driven since. Hmm, maybe Kenneth will tell me if I ask him.
Anyway, given that Damien's the son of Lucifer himself he's pretty much top dog at school…that is the expression you yanks use, right? Devastatingly handsome, just please don't tell him I said that, top of the class, which infuriates Kyle to no end, a supposed sexual master according to practically every girl at school and at least half of the guys and with satanic powers to boot have easily made him popular.
As for me? If I can avoid being publically humiliated, emotionally scarred, beaten to a bloody pulp or made the butt of an ugly rumour; then I just know they're plotting something particularly evil that day. And I can be sure it'll leave scars. Emotional or physical? Well that all depends on their moods.
I suppose you think it's Eric Cartman and Damien who see fit to torture me so often? Well I'm terribly sorry but you're incorrect. They simply molest me at every chance they can…with the occasional public embarrassment. The ones who prefer to see me covered with my own blood are the North Park lot.
You see there's only one public high school in Park County. This means everyone in Park County who can't afford private school is stuck going to Park County High School. And unfortunately North Parkians see themselves as superior to South Parkians and given my small stature, girly looks, frail health and general nancy-boy aura I'm often victim to their efforts over proving how superior they truly are. And whenever someone asks me what they've done to me I just can't seem to tell them. I suppose after hearing the words "Shut up Pip!" over and over growing up has affected me more than I first thought.
What's often confused me though is how instead of joining them like they would have in the past, those from South Park actually seem worried about me. It's so bloody confusing. You'd think they'd have no problem joining in with trying to kill me at every opportunity but instead they stand up for me. Dare I say they seem to be protecting me? Though I truly have no idea why. When I tried to ask Kenneth he just laughed at me and said something about not losing the best dodgeball player they had. I'm not entirely sure he said it in jest though. And no one else would explain it to me. Perhaps Damien would know. He does stare at me quite often and he is very popular so surely that means he knows. Well it does feel nice to be able to breathe without hurting, or having anymore scars and broken bones where they can be seen. I think the reason they protect me is simply because I'm from South Park. Had I not been then surely they wouldn't give me the time of day. At least not without getting a few good beatings in first.
And I do seem to have made a few friends. Butters and Kenneth are often willing to talk to me. As is Christophe…even if he is a bloody French frog and his boyfriend Gregory. Given that we both lived in England we do share a love of crumpets and tea so it's nice to have that to bond over. And the other South Parkians don't seem to tease and torment me nearly as much. Only to make lewd comments whenever they can get away with it. Funnily enough they don't seem to make those sorts of comments when Damien and Eric are around. It's quite confusing.
Those two still scare me I must confess. I always find them watching me with this look in their eyes. It's very unsettling. Yet no one else seems bothered by it. Not even Bebe will tell me what it means and she loves gossiping about "the two most hottest guys at this stupid school". Her words not mine.
In case you haven't already guessed, Eric has changed since elementary school. Physically that is. Mentally he's still a sadistic almost everything phobic bastard with a secret desire to get into Kyle's pants. Even I've noticed the way Eric looks at Kyle. Eric has actually lost a lot of weight. He's still large of course but it's all muscle. And making him captain of the football team has certainly made the rest of the school fearful. I suppose that's why he and Damien have so much power in the school. The antichrist and the future reason for the apocalypse, an odd combination don't you think. I do often wonder which one is the Queen and which one is the King. But I fear if I asked them then I'd only get hurt. Or worse, they'd grope me again. Our school's hierarchy is rather tiresome at times. Especially when you're me.
Oh darn it I'm late! Well as much as I'd like to tell you more about our lives I'm afraid I really must be going.
Okay this is kind of like an extension of the prologue. And this may end up having more than three chapters. Given that I wrote this in just a few hours…it usually takes me months. And that's if I'm lucky. This just flowed for me and since I got three reviews mere hours after posting I decided to add this.
KB