Chapter 2: Port Royal

Port Royal, 1717. Not really where I expected to be when I put on my pants that morning.

I spotted Keira Knighty standing on the nearby ramparts. She co-starred with Depp in the first three his Pirates of the Caribbean movies, so perhaps she had seen him. I went over to her.

"I can't breathe!" I heard her wheeze as I neared. I tapped her on her shoulder. She turned, looked into my face, gasped, took a step back, and plummetted.

Okay, that didn't go so well.

"What have you done?" British officers came running over. One prepared to take off his coat.

"The rocks, sir," someone else reminded him.

He hesitated.

I've been dealing with things on the rocks for my entire adult life. I tossed aside my fedora, my trench coats, and took off my shoes. Then I stepped over the edge.

Okay, that was my second stupid move in as many minutes.

My first instinct was to scream like a little girl, but I knew that if I opened my mouth, I'd drown when I hit the water. Then wham, my feet hit the sea, and I streaked downwards like a bullet.

I saw Keira below me, sinking down, down. Suddenly it felt as if a clap of thunder shook the sea. I ignored the blow, and sank down after her. I reached her, threw my arm around her waist, kicked off the sandy bottom and pulled her upwards.

When our heads broke the surface, I gasped desparately for air. I got one breathful before her weight pulled me back under again. It was her waterlogged dress. I quickly undid it (all that practice with those lonely Hollywood ingenues paid off), let the dress sink back into the depths and pulled the half-drowned dame over to the dock. I clambered up into the sunlight, and helping hands reached out to assist us.

Keira was plopped on her back. It didn't look as if she were breathing, and so I yanked off her corset. She immediatly gasped wildly, leaned over and vomited seawater.

Then I saw it hanging on a chain around her neck: an ornate golden medallion with a skull right in the center. This wasn't Keira Knightly laying before me, it was, "Elizabeth Swann!" I gasped.

Rough hands pulled us to our feet. A long, very sharp sword was pointed at my throat. Bayonets pointed at me from every direction. I looked helplessly over at the woman who'd I just pulled from the sea. Her father was wrapping a blanket around her.

"Shoot him."

"Father! Do you really intend to shoot my rescuer?"

Governor Swan looked confused, and then he relented. "Release him."

The man with the long sword put it away. He extended his hand. "I believe thanks are in order."

I tried desperately to remember what happened next in the movie. Yes, I'd seen it years before, but it had been in color, so I hadn't paid it much attention. What did I have to lose by being polite? I shook his hand.

He seized my arm and shoved my sleeve up. "Pittsburgh Pirates?" he said when he saw my tattoo. "Where in bloody hell is Pittsburgh?"

I could have told him that it had yet to be founded, but he didn't look like an aficionado of time travel.

"Hang him."

A marine came hurrying up with my things. "These are his, Commodore."

The commodore started pawing through them. "A silly hat and the most bizarre-looking coat I've even seen." He reached into my pockets. "Spirits." He unscrewed the lid, sniffed, and made a face. "That isn't rum."

"No, it's uh Old Crow."

"Is that what it's made of?" He tossed the bottle into the sea. Then he pulled out my automatic. "Good lord, is this supposed to be a pistol? There's no flint, no steel, no powder. How do you expect the blasting thing to shoot?" He aimed it at my nose and tried to pull the trigger, but the safety was on. "The trigger doesn't even work." He shoved my automatic back into the pocket of my trench coat.

"Throw him in jail. We'll hang him in the morning." They shoved my stuff into my arms.

I tried to remember what happened next in the movie. Ah, that's right! Jack grabbed Elizabeth and made them give his stuff back. I already had my stuff, so okay, check. Then he ran, flipped a lever on a crane, which released a cannon that was being held high in the air. Jack grabbed a rope, which pulled him up as the cannon descended. That seemed like a good plan.

I first put on my shoes, coat and hat. Suddenly, I bolted between the startled marines, found the lever, flipped it and grabbed the rope. Just like in the movies, I was yanked upward.

I looked up to see the cannon falling directly at me. It smashed into my face like a Rocky Marciano right cross. And just for the record, cannons are really, really, really heavy.