Chapter 2

Guilt

When I finally get back to the living room, Gaara's still in the same spot on his knees, but he's sitting up straight with his arms limp by his sides. His eyes are still that creepy white all over, and the color has completely drained from his face. Shukaku's form had continued to take over his body while I had been gone; his arms have transformed, along with most of his upper torso.

I stay near the doorway, in case I have to make a break for it. He notices me there, and he suddenly looks up at me, "You… You came back?" he asks, his voice trembling slightly. He sounds and looks a little relieved, which makes me feel really guilty for all the times I've abandoned him to deal with Shukaku on his own.

"Yeah…" I answer, still cautious around him, "Are… Are you okay now?"

He shakes his head slowly, as a silent "no." Shukaku's form continues to possess him, and he just frowns up at me.

"What…? Wait… You're… Giving up?"

Gaara doesn't answer me; he looks down at the floor like he's ashamed of himself. After a long pause, he finally speaks, keeping his head lowered, "It hurts… I… I can't…"

"Gaara…" I murmur, frowning. I start to walk over to him slowly and carefully, when I know I should probably be running as fast as I can.

"I'm fighting a losing battle…" Gaara states in a strained voice, and I can tell that it's taking all his energy just to keep himself under control, "There's… Nothing I can do…"His voice cracks slightly, and Shukaku possesses him even further. He groans and leans forward, putting his weight on his right hand.

"Gaara… Don't give in to it, okay?" I murmur, thinking about how it wasn't just my life at stake; Temari is still in the other room. I kneel down in front of him, and again I begin to question my sanity.

He yells suddenly, and lurches to the right. He crumples to the floor, writhing in pain. I can hear this hissing sound from around us, but I can't tell where it's coming from.

"Gaara!" I call out to him, but I have no idea what to do; I haven't seen him like this since he was seven years old. I remember that there's a huge difference between this and most of his other possessions I've seen since then. This is a forced possession… He doesn't want this…

He yells again, and sand whips around us as he's almost completely possessed, "Get away!" he yells. When I don't respond, he continues, "Get away from me-" he groans in pain again, "Take Temari and go!"

I'm frozen in place by the words he said. But it wasn't a good idea to hesitate; the sand lashes at me from all directions, and I yell in pain. Both of my arms are really warm, and I wonder if I'm bleeding again.

The sand whirls around us so fast and hits me so forcefully that it snaps me out of my trance-like state. I suddenly realize that it's too late now; Gaara's almost completely lost control, and if I don't get out of here right now, I'm surely going to die. I scramble to my feet, but sand wraps around my right ankle and yanks me back down. I can feel my bones cracking against the applied pressure from the sand.

"Gaara! Stop!" Temari yells. I look up; she's standing in the doorway, trembling in fear. She must have come when she heard me yelling. She immediately regrets drawing attention to herself though; her eyes widen as the sand releases me and lashes at her instead. She gets thrown across the room and knocked unconscious from hitting the wall with so much force. She slumps to the ground and remains motionless.

"Temari!" I yell.

The sand and wind suddenly cease movement and the sand falls to the ground. I turn around to Gaara and I see that he's panting heavily with a pained expression on his face, "No… No," he murmurs almost inaudibly, staring at Temari with empty white eyes, "No…" he repeats with the slightest whimper in his tone.

I grab him by the shoulders and sit him up straight, taking advantage of the sudden stillness around him. My fear is no longer enough to make me hesitate, "Gaara! Gaara, snap out of it! Please, you've got to-"

I expect Gaara to lose control again and fight my grip, but he instead groans softly and leans into my chest, still wheezing heavily from all the strain, "I'm so sorry…" he murmurs in an exhausted tone. He obviously can't hold himself up anymore, so I wrap my arms around him, "Are you going to be okay?" I ask, trying to calm both of us down.

He slowly looks up at me and nods weakly, and never have I been so relieved to see those piercing aquamarine eyes again. Shukaku's form starts to recede painfully slowly, but steadily at least. He has his hand over his mouth and starts shuddering, and it takes me way too long to realize he's going to throw up. But I manage to grab the nearest trash can just in time.

I can see Temari stirring, but I know I can't leave Gaara yet, or try to move him. By his groans and strained breathing still, I can tell that he's still hurting a lot, which means he's still very unstable. He wraps his arms around me and grips the back of my shirt. I brace myself for the scratch of Shukaku's claws, but I don't feel it. I look down at Gaara, and other than the lack of color in his face – other than the red spots from popped blood vessels – and the physical pain and weakness, he seems like he's almost back to normal.

"I'm sorry…" Gaara murmurs again, and his voice is muffled by my T-shirt.

"It's okay," I respond, my trembling voice betraying the calm expression I put on. I slide my hand up and down his back, and to my surprise, he relaxes in my arms.

Gaara says something, but his face is still buried in my shirt and I can't hear him, "Hmm?" I question, almost afraid to hear what he wants to say.

He picks his head up to look at me, 'Thank you… For helping me…" he has to keep taking pauses to breathe heavily, "And… For not giving up on me…" His eyes are glossy, and he smiles weakly at me before putting his head back down and pressing the side of his face against my chest. I can tell by the way he hesitates that he wanted to say more and was censoring himself. I'll have to ask him about it later. But… I don't think I've ever seen him smile before. I mean, smiling in a non-threatening way. It wasn't just my imagination; I think he's really changed in the past few weeks. Instead of responding verbally, I just hug him tighter to let him know that it's okay.

Temari's fully awake now. Physically, she seems fine, but she looks so frightened and disoriented. She's staring at me with wide eyes, "Are you okay?" she mouths silently, nodding her head towards Gaara, who has just grabbed the trash can again. I cringe in an over-dramatic expression as he retches violently, and then smile weakly at Temari. She doesn't smile back like I hoped though, and she just stares at Gaara, almost spitefully.

I help my brother back to his feet and lead him over to the couch. He almost falls twice, so I'm glad I had my arm around him to steady him. He puts his back against one of the armrests and sits sideways, hugging his knees into his chest. He seems all right for now, so I give him a quick pat on the shoulder and head over to Temari.

"Are you all right?" I ask seriously, but then I smirk to try and lighten the mood, "You took one hell of a fall, there."

"Yeah… I'm fine…" she says, though her tone makes that statement harder for me to believe. My stomach twists with anxiety, because I can clearly see the gears of her brain working as she stares intently past me at Gaara, "Kankuro…" she murmurs darkly, in a voice so quiet that I have to lean forward in order to hear her, "We… I think we should leave…"

I give her a puzzled expression, "What? Wait… Why?" I ask, tilting my head to the side, "He says he's okay now-"

"And you suddenly trust him?" Temari whispers sharply, "He… He just tried to kill us!"

"Temari… I…" I pause, trying to keep my voice down so Gaara won't hear, "He said he was really sorry-"

"Oh, right. Because that makes it all better, thanks," Temari cuts in, frowning, "We're in danger, Kankuro," she pushed herself to her feet.

"Look, it was an accident, Temari-" I start, standing up too.

"That's just as bad as it being on purpose! Because that means it could happen again at any given moment!" She stops suddenly, realizing she'd raised her voice, "We… We can't stay here anymore, Kankuro… It's too dangerous; you and I both know it. I… I know he's our brother, but…" She looks over at Gaara, as if considering something, but then she quickly shakes her head, "We can't. He's too unstable. We're lucky that we're even alive, with all the close calls we've had over the years."

"Temari, I get your point, but I still think-"

"I don't want to die yet, Kankuro," she declares, her eyes brimming with tears. She manages to hold them back, though, "If he hadn't been able to stop himself, we'd both be dead-"

"But that's exactly my point. He was able to stop himself. He's obviously changed-"

"It was a little late as it was, don't you think? I could have easily died just now. And we can't always count on him being able to stop on his own, Kankuro… I… If you're not coming with me, then I'll just leave without you," she says, but her eyes are pleading with me to go with her.

I'm at a loss for words, because a huge part of me knows she's right to worry, "He's… He's our little brother, Temari…"

That must have struck a nerve, because she suddenly brings her voice to a yell, "How dare you use that card! Do you really have the right to say that, as if you care more than I do? You're such a hypocrite! Up until minutes ago, you didn't give a shit about him; admit it!" Gaara's head sinks lower as she says that, because all three of us know it's true, "You were just as scared of him as everyone else in Suna… And with a good reason, don't you think?" she says, rudely signaling at him. Gaara gets up and quickly leaves the room, holding his head down.

I reach my arm out, contemplating going after him, but Temari grabs my hands in her own, Please, Kankuro…"

"Temari…" I murmur, running out of things to say. As much as I feel bad for Gaara, all of a sudden her words begin to register within me, and it seems like everything she's saying is right, and that I'm the one who needs a reality check. She's right; it would be "smart" of us to leave while we can, but I don't know if "smart" is what I want to be right now, if it means abandoning my little brother, once again. I think what I truly want now is to be there for him, because I think he wouldn't have ended up like this if I had just been by his side from the start, "I… I can't…"

I frown at Temari, and she tugs on my hand, "Please… Let's just go… We can worry about our belongings later, okay?"

"Will it be easier if I just leave?"

I turn at the sound of the voice and see Gaara standing in the doorway of the front door, and he's reverted to his usual cold and blank expression. He's got both his gourd and a duffel bag over his shoulders and he's carrying a smaller bag in his right hand. His eyes are red and swollen and I realize that he was crying… I hadn't thought that he was still capable of that. He was probably able to pack so fast because he always has an overnight bag pre-packed that he takes with him when he leaves the house. That's how I had always been able to tell when he was probably coming back when he went on his random walks; based on how much he'd brought with him.

My mouth is hanging open in shock, though, at the prospect of him leaving "for good." I can't even find words to say. Beside me, Temari holds her head down to avoid meeting Gaara's penetrating gaze.

Gaara takes our silence as a "yes." He opens the front door, but pauses, "I'm really sorry… For everything…" he says numbly, unable to make eye contact with either of us. But as he's halfway out the door, he turns his head to look at me with this anxious expression, like he's waiting for me to try and stop him. When I don't, he bites his lip and leaves, gently closing the door behind him.

It takes a moment for his departure to sink in, but when it does, it hurts. Once again, I let him down. And this time he was truly counting on me. My stomach twists with guilt, "Gaara! Wait!" I yell, running to the front door and yanking it open. I run outside to find him, and repeatedly call out his name. But he's nowhere to be seen… He's already gone.