Author's Note: Can you guess what's in the crate?
I worked the entire premise of Futurama into here! In one sentence, about Fry! That would have needed to be in here anyways, for character! Hurray!
(If I ever write a sequel to this, it'll feature the Doctor and Nibbler. I totally want to see more of those two!)
Fry and Bender thudded the crate down in the Planet Express Ship, and turned to Leela. Leela, who had threaded her long purple hair through the back of her favorite blernsball cap, was standing beside Amy, who was there trying to look busy so that she could finish up her internship for Professor Farnsworth without having to do any actual work.
"All right," said Leela, with her normal efficient working tone-of-voice. She looked down at her clipboard, trying to look as if she were studying something intently, because she was afraid that her own facial expression would give away her real plan. Which probably would have worked better if the paper on the clipboard hadn't been the paper she'd used to brainstorm said plan. "Conditions being what they are, I think it would be best to guard the animal."
Fry groaned. "Aw, man!" he said. "Can't we just pretend we did that, and go watch TV instead?"
"No."
"What's the worst that could happen if it escaped?" complained Fry.
"It could rampage the ship and eat us all," said Leela. "Or Bender could make off with it first."
"What?" said Bender. "That's crazy talk! I'm not plannin' on stealin' nothin'!" He flipped the page of the book he was reading, the Idiot's Guide to Offloading Stolen Endangered Livestock.
Leela sighed. "Fine, then. I'll guard the crate. You two can go ahead and do nothing, like you always do."
"You'll guard the crate?" asked Amy, incredulous. "Alone? Are you kidding me?" She stared at the clipboard, pointedly.
"Why shouldn't she?" asked Fry.
"Knowin' Leela, she's plannin' something," said Bender, offhandedly.
"Release the animal back into the wild? Who said anything about releasing the animal back into the wild?" Leela protested. She then realized what Bender had actually said, and hugged her clipboard, giving a sheepish grin. "I mean, planning something? What do you mean, I'm planning something?"
"Oh, I get it! So Amy should guard the crate," said Fry.
"Actually, I'm not going," said Amy.
They all stared at her. "Why not?"
"Spleesh, I'm not stupid," said Amy, rolling her eyes. "All three of you are just dying to open that crate. It's only a matter of time before one of you succeeds, and you wind up with some crazy wild animal on the loose."
"What do you mean, all three of us?" asked Fry. "I don't wanna open the crate."
Amy sidled up to Fry, putting an arm seductively on his shoulder, and whispered in her best sexy voice, "Hey, Fry. Wanna open the crate?"
Fry shrugged. "Okay," he said, and started pulling at the boards. Of course, the boards didn't budge.
Amy stepped back, folding her arms. "See?"
Leela and Bender, meanwhile, were having a glare-off. Amy noticed the tension between the two of them, and sighed. "Why don't you put the crate onto the bridge of the ship, and then you can all three look after it together?"
Leela glanced at Amy, then went back to glaring at Bender. "Fine."
"And take Nibbler with you," said Amy, thrusting a cute, cuddly little 3-eyed sleeping animal out towards Leela. "Maybe when this dangerous wild animal does break loose, Nibbler will eat it for you."
Leela's expression softened as soon as she took the sleeping Nibbler from Amy. She gave Nibbler a friendly smile and scratched his belly. It didn't really matter to her that Nibbler was actually a highly intelligent member of a proud and ancient race, who was staying undercover as Leela's household pet to gather intelligence on Planet Earth. Leela still thought that Nibbler was absolutely adorable.
Maybe, if the creature in the crate was cute enough, she'd keep it as a pet, too.
"All right, you two," said Leela. "Move it into the bridge!"
Fry and Bender, of course, began complaining.
The journey was tense. It began tense, and it continued to be tense. You could have cut the tension with a standard Albonazantrazi Slicing Beetle, if Bender hadn't stolen the beetle in question three weeks ago.
Leela and Bender were constantly watching one another, making sure that neither of them opened the crate. Leela knew that if Bender opened the crate, he'd probably kill the cute, sweet, cuddly little animal inside and sell it off to the highest bidder. Bender knew that if Leela opened the crate, she'd swipe his cash-cow and let it off on some big nature preserve planet, where he'd never see it again.
Fry knew nothing, because he was Fry.
Well, that was not entirely true. Fry knew that he loved Leela. He knew that Bender was his buddy. He knew he was in the 31st century, because he'd been accidentally frozen delivering a pizza a thousand years ago. And he knew that he was on an intergalactic space ship in outer space.
He was a bit fuzzy on the rest of the details.
He was pretty sure that opening the crate was a bad idea (although he couldn't figure out why), and that both Bender and Leela wanted to open it (although he couldn't figure out why that either). He thought he remembered something about an animal being in the crate. The last time they'd delivered an animal had been when they delivered that monkey-wearing-a-hat. Fry had hated that monkey. This time, he'd come prepared. He was armed with a large number of bananas.
"Well," said Bender, stretching over-exaggeratedly, "I'm gonna go flirt with that new vending machine down the hall. I'll just bring this crate along with me."
Leela was in between Bender and the crate in a second. "The crate stays here," said Leela.
Bender sat back down in his chair, grumbling.
Fry felt his stomach matching Bender's sentiment. "Man, am I hungry."
"Me too," said Leela, in a pointed and aggressive way that meant that hunger was the last thing on her mind at the moment. "Bender, you're the cook. Go make dinner."
"But you just ate!" protested Bender.
"That was seven hours ago," said Leela.
"Yeah, well, I don't know why you squishy organic types need to eat so much," Bender grumbled. He got up, and took a crowbar out of his chest cavity. "Well, I'm off to the kitchens. Better bring that crate with me."
Leela crossed her arms, and held her ground.
Bender stared her down. "If it's not going, then I'm not going," said Bender, slapping the crowbar against his hand.
"I'm the pilot," said Leela. "It's my job to stay in here with the crate. It's your job to go to the kitchen and cook."
"Oh, yeah?" asked Bender. "Well, you can bite my shiny metal ass!" He turned to Fry. "Hey, Fry, buddy! I'll give you a beer if you distract Leela long enough for me to open up this crate."
Leela went over to Fry, batting her eyelash as she walked. "Hey, Fry," she said, seductively, "I'll kiss you if you get Bender out of the way so I can open this crate."
Fry was experiencing a condition he knew far too well, which he called 'brain overload'. He looked from Bender to Leela, examining what he knew. Year 3000. Outer Space. Buddy. Love. Okay, that wasn't helping him. And he still had this weird feeling that opening the crate was a bad idea.
"Must open box," said Fry, clutching at his head. "Can't open box. Box bad. Leela good. Bender friend. Beer very good. Kiss very good. Shouldn't open box. Monkey in box. Aaaaa!" He doubled up, cradling his head in his hands.
Leela and Bender looked at one another.
"I think we broke him," said Leela.
"Looks like," said Bender.
They both went back to their previous game of trying to get one another to leave the room.
Fry's outburst must have woken Nibbler, who suddenly perked up, examining his surroundings and making cute, high-pitch animal sounds. His eyes landed on the crate, and his jabbering suddenly stopped. His eyes widened a little. Carefully, almost cautiously, he crept out of his basket and went towards the crate. He put his ear up against it, and could hear the muffled noises coming from inside. He took a sniff, and then suddenly started back with alarm.
"Uh oh," said Nibbler.
Then he bolted.
Leela, Fry, and Bender noticed the sudden change in Nibbler, and recognized the fear and horror in the tiny Nibblonian's expression. They looked at one another, and then all ran after him.
"Wait, Nibbler, where are you going?" Leela cried.
They found Nibbler by the airlock, bringing out a concealed mini space-ship.
"Anywhere but here," said Nibbler.
"Why?" asked Leela. "Does it have something to do with what's in the crate?"
"Leela," said Nibbler, "I am a member of the most ancient race in the universe. Do you want to know why we are the most ancient race in the universe? It's because we have always stuck by one philosophy: whenever he gets involved in anything, we don't."
"Whenever who gets involved in anything?" asked Leela.
"The creature in your crate," said Nibbler, as if it was obvious.
"So that animal in the crate is sentient?" asked Leela. "It's intelligent?"
"He's definitely intelligent," said Nibbler. "Cunning, manipulative, and highly destructive. And he's definitely not an animal." He shuddered. "More like a weapon."
"Oooh," said Bender, tossing aside the Idiot's Guide to Offloading Stolen Endangered Livestock and taking a copy of the Idiot's Guide to Illegal Arms Sales from his chest-cavity instead. "Bet I can get top dollar for that!"
"You'll never catch him!" said Nibbler. "He is undefeatable, unstoppable, and… I… sort of… owe him fifteen dollars." He cleared his throat. "If you want my advice, ditch the crate and be thankful you escaped with your lives." And with that, Nibbler pushed the space ship into the airlock, and was gone.
Leela was now feeling a bit shaken. She was trying to figure out what, exactly, to do next. But she didn't have long to think about it, because the Planet Express Ship suddenly lurched violently to the right, slamming Bender, Fry, and Leela against the floor. Leela got up, brushing her purple hair out of her eye.
"What the…?" she said.
A rectangular image suddenly appeared in the air before her. It was not a welcome image. In fact, it was an image that made Leela feel physically ill.
"Why, if it isn't the always sensual and highly erotic Captain Leela," said the air hologram of Zapp Brannigan.
From behind Brannigan, his second-in-command, a small green alien named Kif Kroker, gave a weary sigh.
Leela felt more like punching something.
"What do you want, Zapp?"
"I come to engage you on behalf of the Earth Government," said Zapp. He waggled his eyebrows. "And on behalf of myself, I plan to engage you in something else later tonight."
Nope. Not punch something. Punch someone.
Leela held back her anger with a surprising amount of inner strength. Zapp was like this with everyone, but he had a special thing for harassing her ever since she accidentally slept with him that one time. "Kif," she said. "What's going on?"
"Earth Government has determined that you have been employed to deliver item 33971 to the Planet Doom in the Galaxy of Horrors," said Kif. "Item 33971 was declared an endangered animal, but has since been reclassified as a dangerous biological weapon."
Leela remembered what Nibbler had told her, and suddenly had a sinking feeling in her chest.
"Don't worry, Leela," said Fry, confidently. He held a banana as if it was a deadly weapon. "I'll protect you."
Leela closed her eye in exasperation.
"So you see, Leela, you've got a dangerous biological weapon on board your ship, and you're delivering it right into the hands of Earth's enemies," said Zapp. He made a hand-gesture to illustrate his point that seemed both utterly stupid and incredibly lewd at the same time. "Kerpow."
"What enemies?" asked Leela. "Earth's not at war with anyone."
"At the moment," qualified Zapp.
Kif gave a weary sigh.
Leela crossed her arms. "Okay, fine," she said. "We'll get rid of the crate. We'll drop it off at a toxic waste dump or something. You happy now?"
"Not good enough!" said Zapp. "On behalf of the Earth Government and the Democratic Order Of Planets, prepare to be boarded and ransacked." He raised his eyebrows, and added, in a lewd, inappropriate undertone, "Again and again and again."
The Planet Express Ship shook once more, throwing Leela and Fry to the floor. Leela heard the familiar clang of the docking equipment engaging with the Planet Express Airlock. She got back to her feet, her head spinning.
Behind her, the airlock opened, and a small group of armed Security Forces stormed into the Planet Express Ship, followed by Zapp Brannigan and Kif.
Zapp Brannigan gave Leela a look that could start at least five sexual harassment lawsuits in three different major star systems. Leela tried to ignore him.
"All right, all right, we'll hand over the crate. Fry, Bender, you two…" started Leela. She stopped, and looked around. "Wait, where's Bender?"
Fry looked around, too. Bender was nowhere to be found. "Maybe he's flirting with the vending machine?" Fry offered.
Leela didn't hear him. She was already running to the bridge. Behind her, the armed Earth-Security Forces, Kif, Zapp, and Fry all followed. Leela knew that the moment Bender opened that crate, all hell was going to break loose. And she had to stop him before that happened.
They arrived in the bridge to an absolutely horrific sight. Bender stood, crowbar still in hand, jolting around crazily and belting, "She'll be comin' round the mountain" at the top of his electronic voice box. Stuck to the top of his head was a refrigerator magnet.
Beside him was a busted-open — and clearly empty — crate.
Fry ran over and tore the magnet off of Bender's head. "Bender! Bender! Are you alright?"
"Eh, I guess," said Bender. He clanged on his head with his hand. "Circuits all seem okay. But if I ever find James Clerk Maxwell, I'm suing his ass."
Leela just stared at the shipboard computer. It looked like someone or something had messed around, tried to access it, but had been interrupted before he could do anything disruptive. There was a yellow post-it-note stuck on one of the levers, upon which was scrawled:
Do not follow, or you will die.
Leela turned around, and crossed her arms. "Okay, Zapp. Time to come clean. What was in the crate?"
"Something that will blow your mind!" said Zapp, with a sultry nudge of his hips.
Leela waited for Zapp to clarify this, but he didn't. She sighed, and leaned back against the controls.
"You don't actually know, do you?" asked Leela.
"Not exactly," Zapp confessed. "But I know that, whatever it is, it makes God look like a space waxed bikini."
Leela decided to ignore this comment, partially because it was stupid, partially because she didn't understand it, but mostly because, coming from Zapp Brannigan, it was almost certainly lewd. She turned to Bender, instead.
"You saw it," said Leela. "What did it look like?"
"Let me check my internal memory." Bender's eyes flickered for a second, as he buzzed through the events of the last few minutes. His eyes snapped back into focus. "Nope," he said. "Nothing. Completely blanked out."
Kif poked at a data pad in his hands. "According to Wikipedia," he said, holding up the Wikipedia entry for 'Weapon, the', "the weapon defies physical description, but is cunning, devious, technologically beyond our understanding, and nearly indestructible." Kif paused, then squinted at the screen. "Also, someone called 'Nibbler' apparently owes the weapon fifteen dollars."
Leela sighed. "We'd better search the ship," she said. "We're still in space, so the weapon can't have gotten far."
"Unless it's some killer robot with guns for hands and big death lasers for eyes that breathes fire!" said Fry.
Leela shook her head. There was no use in explaining to Fry that the word 'biological' implied that this wasn't a robot. Or that fire couldn't technically exist in space — what with it needing oxygen. Or that there already was a killer robot with guns for hands and big death lasers for eyes that breathed fire, commonly available on Earth as a children's toy. Fry wouldn't remember it, anyways.
"A hostile but financially prudent super-weapon running loose somewhere on board this ship?" said Zapp. He struck a pose that would have looked far more impressive coming from someone wearing pants. "Sounds like a job for Captain Zapp Brannigan."
Leela hit her head against the side of the empty crate. "Oh, Lord."
Zapp was by her side in a second, draping a hand across her shoulders. "I know that you're frightened, Leela," he said, "but never fear. I will protect you." He glanced over his shoulder at his men. "Set your guns to Maximum Kill."
"No!" Leela protested. She was still holding out hope that this would wind up being some cute, furry creature that she could hug. "I mean… look, if it's a weapon, wouldn't it be better for both Earth and the DOOP if we kept it alive?"
Zapp thought this over. Then he turned to his men. "Set your guns to Minimum Kill," he ordered, instead, flipping his own gun over to the correct setting.
"Sir, the guns are still lethal at either—" Kif started.
"And will the lovely Leela be accompanying us on our search?" asked Zapp, ogling Leela with his eyes.
Leela groaned, and thrust Zapp away from her.
"Don't worry, Leela," said Fry, gathering up a big bundle of bananas. "We'll find this talking monkey. And then we'll make it pay."
And as Leela and the others went off to look for this biological weapon, she resigned herself to the fact that she was surrounded, on all sides, by idiots.