Thanks to green24 for the review. :3 Love you guys xx

The Deafening Silence
Summary: Lupin's jealous. He shouldn't be.
Pairing: Lupin/Snape, Snape/James
Methods of angst: dark love, jealousy, love of pain, secrecy, dark!Lupin, silent suffering, James bashing, mpreg
Parts: 2/?
Requested: green24 – requested mpreg and Snape's side of the story so thus, here it is.

Snape

James promised. His promise was as silent as his fingernails touching the bare skin of me, the nails digging sharply and his hot breath across my face—this bloody addiction was getting the best of me.

I didn't think I could breathe. He made me feel as weak as ice melting over water. I wasn't weak around many, but he knew every breaking point in me – dislocating me into a world far beyond imagination and existence, reminding me of the pain I deserved (Severus, get me my makeup bag – I need concealer to hide...these love marks). The love marks were merely nothing but purple-and-blue bruises from the hits that she'd received from my Father. He throttled, hit, screamed – and she stayed there, taking it and bearing it silently. Then turned around with the same calm, bearing expression as she asked for me to pass over the white-and-beige bag that had slipped past the tiles when he'd hit her out of her chair and I could remember visions of smearing red against her lips. She'd laugh; say she was a complete klutz when applying make-up but the blood told another different story.

So, this was it, as my Father held my shoulder, and I swore I could always feel his warm lips near my cold ear as he whispered, "you are so much like your Mother." And I knew what he meant, because every time he snaked his arms around my waist to feel the bone he cracked underneath the ribcage such a soft sound to break the silence, every time he smirked at blood seeping– I did nothing. I remained silent, as silent as the cold ending night that betrayed my honour and trust. And as James hit me, and bullied me and threw me around – I did nothing.

Then my Father had died but there was no relief flying away from my soul as I'd never got a chance to say the words I've always wanted to say, murmur a "Please, stop" and so, this wasn't abuse as I'd never defended myself as she'd taught me to accept my position as underneath him and take it as it was. This was always the case with James as well, and I knew despite him being a Gryffindor, he had an ungodly need to torture me and damn my existence – just like my Father had. His departure made me feel alienated from the world, unable to feel, numb and by that point, the only way I knew how to communicate was by the pain as I didn't know any other way to live.

Kindness was something unheard of in the Snape household. Kindness was some sort of different resolve, and nothing would make anyone be kind to me. I whispered softly into James' hear, words that were so soft they barely broke the silence and they could be heard – they really could – if he decided to hear them but instead, he decided to get on top of me, pushing himself inside of me, bruising my hipbones with his constant pounding thrash! thrash! thrash! and such wildness finally reached his eyes, making him go onto a high from the pain that he was giving me.

I was unwanted. The only chance of survival was admitting and accepting and relishing in the pain until I found some sort of authority in me. I was the prey, not the predator. I was beaten, unable to hurt.

Disrupted.

Lupin, common prey, feasted upon my dismay. I could tell from his eyes that there was some sort of weird fascination with me, and this odd fascination spurred out of the moment. His envy fed him until he became what something that he didn't know of himself and he fed himself lies, as I fed myself reality checks, until we were both two people that we couldn't look at in the mirror. We were too alike and I hated him.

I hated him because I hated myself.

Him hitting me, pounding against me, throwing me around was almost like a wakeup call – I was punishing myself silently into the midst of past, allowing my passion to deteriorate along with my flesh and body. It was only a matter of time had I'd missed James' touches that were a lot less like me and more like my Father – brutal and demanding, whilst Lupin just spun out of control, lost, hitting, silent, confused.

Me.

The silence was comforting but I only loved the silence as much as I loved the dark. When I was alone, it was unbearable, the silence, the dark – but together with someone, the darkness seemed a lot more welcoming and the silence along more the lines of words unsaid, as if I could reconstruct days and times where everything went at my own way. Then James dared asked me if what Lupin said was true, if I wanted to be hurt because my Father abused me and since my Father was dead - I stared –

I didn't cry though I was anticipating that tears would slip away. I would spin out of control again and found myself running towards a destination I couldn't reach.

Instead, I felt some sort of pull towards the centre of the Earth that bound my spirit and soul to my emotions and it was not sadness that had taken over me, nor dismay – it was pure and complete anger as I allowed my fists to collide with his stomach. I could only see purple-and-blue bruises (I need concealer to hide...these love marks. Please), and hot-white pain ripping across due to pale knuckles and then I stumbled and fell, allowing strands of greasy black to cloud my vision and for some reason, that was when everything just finally snapped – a final piece of the string.

The silence lingered. I wished I told him every word there was in the book. I love you. I'm scared. Please, hold me. My Father abused me. I couldn't do anything. I could still feel his presence around me and I can't sleep at night because if I do, I'll wake up crying my pathetic little face off. I like being around you, James. Please, hurt me and make me feel real again. Mixtures of emotions that I couldn't really rely on and instead, I opted for the only emotion I could really rely on – pain. Just pain.

The same pain that my entire body rippled with when I've heard of Lily's pregnancy and saw James' happy little face as if mocking me, saying that she was better in bed because I couldn't bear the love child that she had inside of her. I instead brewed potions and stayed in the silence I've lived in for so long. I did nothing. I did nothing at all, but brew and brew and brew until the scents of the potions penetrated my nose and made me feel like crying.

The only reason that kept me brewing those potions was the fact that I was with child as well, not that anyone gave a fuck but I learned not to care as well. If nobody cared about my wellbeing, why would I as well? It was only after multiple bruises and a possible concussion had Madame Pomfrey showed some sort of sadness upon staring at the bloated stomach I sported around. Nobody asked. The robes that I wore clung onto my skin with sweat and (lack of) pride but all was concealed (like concealer hides love marks, sweetheart). Whilst Lily got bigger and more known to all, I just shrunk away from public view but all in all, Sirius Black never thought differently when he was to hold onto my hair and tug at it, slam and laugh, stare and wonder.

Whilst Lily got care and gentle words from teachers, I got cold stares and 'fat Snape' rumors going around. Whilst Lily was being held and taking care of, I was being shunned away into the foot of pure cold. When Lily threw up, she had James to hold her but when I had to throw up; I was left to clean up my own mess as Flich made me clean up my own mess and he wouldn't tell anyone of my 'bulimia'. When Dumbledore approached Lily, turning a blind eye to my seven-month pregnancy, he'd talked to her and tried to wonder if she needed any help – even the man that cared about everyone hadn't noticed the bulging stomach of hers.

I gave them nothing but silence.

And the thing that hurt the most?

They never asked me. They didn't notice the paleness of my skin after all that throwing up, the unusual weight gain that could not be of eating just a bit more, the back pain that had made me slouch more often than I'd like – and it didn't even occur to them... but then again, it was my fault as well as I said nothing. As Eileen had when she was pregnant with me, eclampsia engulfed me – seizures that pushed me towards unconsciousness, aches that refused to subside and agitation. My pre-eclampsia resulted into hyperthyroidism. How did young Severus know? I heard my Mother speak of it, saying it was a problem most of us had that would explain the evolving anger in me, the irritation that refused to leave me – and it destroyed me, as being a werewolf had destroyed Lupin – we spun out of control because of our condition.

It was then that Severus Snape was really born, the Snape that everyone came to loathe and despise, the prey becoming the predator due to the severe irritation and agitation that was a mere symptom of the pregnancy. The hyperthyroidism allowed my muscles to weaken, thinning the skin that surrounded and protected me, nauseous with low blood sugar but this smaller, more ragged appearance only motivated me to prove them wrong, as to tell them that I had the ability to be strong even though I felt weak.

This was what attracted Lucius to me at first. He'd approached me when I'd been pushed by Sirius against the wall, a shove I was too familiar with and he'd helped me up. He asked about my weight gain and I spoke. I told him. I told him everything. He stared at me, opened his mouth to pause, and then told me with a stern voice, 'what are you to do with the child?"

Fate spoke out to me. The child, Draco, was given away to the two that needed an heir the most, Narcissa and Lucius Malfoy whom had inherited the money because they were able to produce an heir the fastest. At only seventeen, they were presented with such a blissful child and I didn't get to name nor see him when he was birthed. The hyperthyroidism remained, creating me into the shell of the man that used to be Severus Snape. The skin just got thinner, my muscles weaker, my body shrunk – and no matter how much I ate, I had very little control of how much I weighed, which sickened me.

The day I'd given birth was in the rain, alone, with the child ripping through the very stomach of mine, digging out like a squirrel from the ground, resurfacing to breathe. Lucius arrived hours after it first started to happen, held the baby boy the minute he had breathed and cried, and left me on the cold, hard ground without another word escaping his lips. The blood was as cold as the treatment he'd given me, and it was not like I trusted him but I trusted him to care a little bit more about me, bleeding, dying. I survived. He refused to apologize. But that was fine, because after all, I didn't tell him to stay. I didn't beg. I just stared...I just stared (this will conceal your little love bites, baby Draco loves you after all, Snape).

I returned to Hogwarts after two months of disappearance. Nobody noticed my invisibility other than Sirius, that claimed he missed shoving me as he mocked my body shape. The thinner I got, the more violent he'd gotten and the more adamant the bruises had gotten. It was to the point where my weight plummeted to its lowest, lower than it had been at twelve, and whilst my age grew, my body was resisted to growth and remained lanky and too-thin.

Years and years had passed, Draco knew nothing of his origins and it was planned to be kept as so, I want my baby boy I want my child this isn't fucking fair I want to hold him at least once I didn't care much for not being around Draco as much as I wanted to. When Lupin had resigned back to his position, I'd almost given up, cracked and went back to being a predator but not now. I refused to show any signs of pure and utter weakness anymore hold me, please, hold me I'm scared.

Lupin ripped his robes after I complimented them. He was wearing something that reminded me more of Sirius than James or himself, and then he moved towards me, drinking another fix of that foul potion with demonic eyes. We were waiting for Albus to suddenly appear with Minerva, as they'd told us to stay there for a quick meeting.

Lupin finally spoke. "Harry's my child," his voice was full of rage and he was shaking.

"..."

"Lupin," I began, and he turned around towards the doorway, noticing a shell-shocked Albus Dumbledore standing with Minerva, that looked like she was going to fully explode.

Lupin finally broke, and it was such a dark, disgusting sight. It almost make me want to break down too. "James took what I wanted so I took what he loved the most, his precious Lily. I didn't even want her but she wanted me. Oh God, did she want me but did I want her? No, I didn't want to do anything with her. I was gay for fuck's sake," Lupin snorted, laughing bitterly. "Lily knew it was mine the minute she'd gotten pregnant and we slightly overdid it on the spells, which is why James and Harry look alike. The slight evilness in Harry? That's because I'm not all too sweet. I'm fighting for the light but the darkness is all fucked up and inside of me. We couldn't risk Harry looking even the tiniest bit like Remus disgusting fucking Lupin...it doesn't matter anyway. It shouldn't have.

"I wasn't ever going to be a good enough Father. James was damn well perfect. The dark arts were really pretty. I forgot how many times I'd done the Cruciatus curse on him when he was asleep and every time, he screamed, fuck, I shouldn't have smiled but...it's not enough. It's never enough. He died and even now, still instead of me, I wanted to hurt him even more. And Sirius had no idea, blank as the sheets he handed in for Potions class. Snape helped brew Lily's pregnancy potions. He helped us cover up because he's such a pretty little cover up." I did nothing when he talked.

"Oh, and little pregnant Snape giving birth on the fucking floor in the damn well rain. I could've done something other than watch him choke on his own blood but that's okay I guess because I'm as invisible as he is. You think people would even give a fuck about Snape's baby but no, poof, disappeared along with the rest of him. I watched him drag himself back there, and it's kind of painful to watch. I should have done something. I should have done something. So I did. I masturbated in his blood. Revolting, sick, vile Lupin..."

I did nothing as I watched him unravel my secrets. "Snape's pregnancy? Oh yeah. That was definitely James' baby, Draco Lucius Potter, is edging more towards the truth as James fucked Snape night after night and it disgusted me. It disgusted me to see him use and abuse. It sickened me to no extent because I couldn't do anything but just sit there in that invisibility fucking cloak and watch him hurt Snape, over and over. Same little story for Snape, broken little family, getting used to the abuse and almost accepting it as a form of love. Of course, nobody knows because nobody fucking cares."

The silence broken. Shattered.

I could have punched Lupin but instead I stared at him. "You had no right to say any of that!" I finally screamed out, but I was sure there was something inside of me that screamed you spoke the words I always wanted to say but in a way that made me sick to be myself.

"You did nothing." My heart stopped but I realised that Lupin was talking to Dumbledore and Minerva. "If you gave a little bit of a damn and a little less of a blind eye, maybe I'd have turned out half-normal."

Tears collected into Lupin's eyes as he stared back into my face. "Talk." It was such a simple command, yet felt like it would take so much effort.

"Lupin..." I finally spoke out. My voice was full of some sort of pained grief.

"Harry's my son. Draco is your son. This is it. This shouldn't our lives. This shouldn't be anyone's life. It's time to claim what's rightfully ours, our turf. I'm tired of all the pretty little lies and would rather face the repulsive truth," Lupin finally admitted, allowing my heart to bang harder and harder. "Harry had gotten too adhered to James already. Draco's a shadow of Lucius. They don't belong to them. We don't belong to them. Not anymore. I'm tired of playing the doll in the doll's house."

"I agree," the words were full of truth. "I will round up Draco from the Slytherin common room and I suppose the Gryffindors have Quidditch practice right of now. We will meet in my room in about half an hour, how does that sound?" am I speaking those beautiful words?

"Perfect."

Lupin, whom was so alike me, who was like a mirror to my soul, spoke those words that punctured through the very being and existence of me. And so, I peeled off that concealer and allowed those purple-and-blue love bites to show. For once, I looked into the mirror and I liked what I saw for the very first time.

Hopefully, that was okay. ;D Request. Request. Request. (the only way to keep the fic going)

xx Samm