…3
…2
…1
Go-Go Bijuu Rangers!!!
You Mighty Morphin' Bijuu Rangers!
From the twisted mind of: DarkFayt
Written by: Rageofkyubii
Co-Authored by: DarkFayt
MIAES (Man in an expensive suit): For legal reasons the authors of "Bijuu Rangers" have been asked not to give any statements at this time. Thank you…
ROK: In other words DF got us sued again when he wouldn't take the hint from that red head…
DF: Fuck off dude…
MIAES: Hu-humm…
DF/ROK: Gomen Miaes. It won't happen again.
MIAES: Damn right it won't.
DF/ROK: Teme…
MIAES: (Glares)
DF: (Trips ROK) RUN AWAY!!!
ROK: (on the ground) You're just making things worse for yourself!
"Talking"
"Thinking"
"Monster/Distorted Talking"
"Monster/Distorted Thinking"
Last time on The young and the Res…Oh wait, wrong job. Last time on Mighty Morphin Bijuu Rangers!!! (RoK: Don't ask...)
"I accept!" Yugito exclaimed suddenly, causing the other three ninja to face vault to the ground.
"Are you serious?! You're going to join, just like that?" Shizune asked the kunoichi in shock.
Yugito gave a sharp nod, a serious gleam in her eye. "Of course! We Jinchuuriki must band together to face the great evil and protect this world, for we are the only ones with the power to do so!"
Tsunade cried silently into her hands. "I'm surrounded by crazy people…AGAIN!!!" she mumbled as the Head let out a booming laugh.
"Excellent! The Giant Floating Head welcomes you to the Bijuu Rangers… As the Yellow Ranger!"
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"Cuuurrrsessssssssssss!!!!" cried Madara as he smashed the crystal he was using to watch our heroes.
"Hey, I was watching that…" one of the shadowed men from before said, swallowing his popcorn.
"They've acquired another Ranger…I must destroy the next one before they reach him…"
"Um…master?" tentatively asked the other hooded man.
"What is it minion #1? Can't you see I'm doing an evil monologue here?" said Madara as he was holding a large piece of wood with a single nail sticking through it.
"What, we don't even deserve names? Just minion #1 and #2? Can you even tell us apart with our hoods up?" snipped the second minion.
"Um, yes…of course I can! I am the great Madara! My Sharingan tells me all!" Madara exclaimed, posing dramatically.
"Right…well, you tried that same thing with the last two, and the monsters got there too late…since we've already failed to stop them, maybe we should, I don't know, go after different ones…there are supposed to be like nine of these guys, aren't there?" suggested Minion One.
"Yes! We'll take out the ones they haven't gotten yet while they go after the next one!" exclaimed Minion Two, giving a thumbs up.
"I've got a better idea! Not all the Jinchuuriki can be goody-two-shoes like this last one was! The one from Suna used to be a mass murdering psychopath!" responded Minion One.
"So… we try and turn them into crazy people?"
"No, dumbass! We can make them our allies against the Bijuu Ranger! They can be our force to block them!"
"Who you calling a dumbass, dumbass?"
"You, Dumbass!" yelled Minion ONE, getting in Minion Two's face.
Minion Two snarled. "You're the dumbass!"
"Excuse me…" Madara said impatiently.
"NO, you are!"
"You!"
"You!'
"Hello? Evil Leader talking here…." the masked man tried again.
"YOU!"
"YOU!"
"YO-"
"SILENCE, YOU FOOLS!" Madara screamed, making the two men and hug each other in fear. "I have thought of a fantastic plan! Not all the Jinchuuriki can be allied with the forces of light so we shall bring them over to our side…the dark side!"
"Wasn't that my idea?" Minion One asked to no one in particular.
Minion Two stayed silent.
"And this group of evil rangers," said Madara, acting like he didn't hear anything, "shall be called…the Bijuu Force!!! Budwawawawawawawawa !!!"
After blinking his glowing red eyes several times, Minion One spoke, "Ouch, master…just ouch."
"Huh? What's your problem?" asked their leader, staring down at the two (who for some reason were still clutching each other) in confusion.
Minion One released the other and crossed his arms in a pout. "Its not like you don't already HAVE a force to help you…"
"Aww, don't be like that…" Madara said, patting One's back slightly. "C'mon…who's my number one guy, huh? Who's my number one?"
Minion Two raised his hand slightly. "Umm, speaking of number one…when Master yelled, I kinda…" he trailed off, pointing at his pants.
The Uchiha sweatdropped and went to find a change of pants. "Geez, is anyone having a worse day than me?"
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"Hey, wait! You guys aren't seriously leaving me tied here, are you?! WELL?!" screamed Naruto as he watched the retreating backs of his new teammates and Sensei.
"Dammit, here I go and set everything up for us to pass Sensei's stupid teamwork test, and I'm the one stuck to the log…didn't those two learn anything?" Naruto grunted to himself as he began to reach for a kunai, "My life is just crap lately…first I've got to play Mr. Dumb Shit for the last 5 years or else the teachers pick on me. THEN I have to deal with the villagers. And to top it all off, now I have to deal with Sasuke the Emo-Bitch and Little Miss Mental Disorder on my ass every day…well, at least hanging around Sakura kept the other Sasuke-zombies from trying to pound me for 'daring to oppose the wonderful Sasuke…' Speaking of that, what's she saying now?" thought Naruto as he strained his impressive hearing.
"But it was flying, Sasuke-kun! F-L-Y-I-N-G…You can't say that it doesn't mean anything to you! It's a sign; a sign that we're meant to be together!"
"Or that too much bullshit gas came out of you and took solid form." murmured Sasuke under his breath.
"Ara? Did you say something, Sasuke-kun?"
"Hrmm…"
"Well, you can't deny the signs Sasuke-kun. We're meant for each other." Sakura exclaimed, her eyes big, bright and shiny as she went into daydream-mode.
"For the last time, NO! I don't care even if a…I don't know, a giant log monster fell on me! I still wouldn't date you!" Sasuke yelled, though Sakura was already too far gone n her own fantasy to hear him.
"Note to self: build log monster to payback Sasuke for leaving my ass here…but first, escape. Man, do I wish they had taught jutsu for this." Naruto thought, still struggling with his bindings.
Just then, a small black crystal flew through the sky before imbedding itself deep in the log just above where his head sat.
"Ok…glowing crystal…glowing black crystal…fell from the sky…this can't be good." said Naruto as the log he was tied to began to glow an eerie green.
"Definitely not good" was all Naruto could say before a burst of green light overtook the clearing.
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"See that, Number Two!?! Do you see?! I told you a log monster would be able to destroy the Kyuubi Jinchuuriki!"
"Umm, my lord…the log monster can't reach him." said Number One.
As Madara looked in horror at his viewing crystal, he could indeed see that the slim claws of his rather small wooden monster could not reach the prone form of Uzumaki Naruto that was tied securely to its back.
"I think you threw the crystal in backwards…"
"Backwards?! It's a damn crystal, there IS NO BACKWARDS!!!" Madara yelled, throwing the evil villain equivalent to a hissy-fit.
"You made it backwards…" commented Number Two, "The mouth was supposed to appear right where he was tied so the monster could just swallow him. Chalk up another one for Mr. 'Tobi's a Good B-'"
BOOM!!!
As Number One turned to look down from the wall he had jumped and clung to in fright, he saw the dark figure of Madara holding a rather nasty looking cylinder of some kind pointed in the direction of where Number Two had been standing, whose headless body was now lodged in-between two rather large crystals some distance away.
"Anything to add, Number One?" asked Madara as he held his metallic cylinder menacingly.
"Nope…not a thing, Master!"
"Good…deploy a squad of Tubbies to Konoha. Number Two's screw-up with the monster is a setback, but not one we can't recover from!"
Without a word, a rather large tan-colored bird appeared behind Number One in the shadows of the hall before he disappeared through a hole in the ceiling.
"Excellent…soon victory will be mine!!! BWA-HAHAHAHA!"
"You know, you could have just ordered the monster to cut the ropes holding the boy and THEN had it eat him…" said the smoking head of Number Two as it rolled towards its body.
"…I could of what now?"
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As the enraged log monster continued to thrash about the training field, with its glowing yellow eyes and strange jagged limbs, Naruto couldn't help but say what was on his mind.
"Ok, this day just went from bad to WTF?"
"GRRRRAGGRRARARARARRRRRR!!!"
"Oh shut up already! You've been doing that for the past 3 hours now…" Naruto shouted, kicking at the monster as he continued to struggle.
Just as Naruto finished his sentence, he was certain he had finally had one too many sour milk and was having some form of seizure. For nothing else could properly explain the sight he now saw.
"SILENCE STRANGE LOG MON STER!!! FOR I AM THE GIANT FLOATING HEAD!!!"
"Uuuuurrrrr?"
"I'm with you, log buddy…"
"THERE IS NO NEED TO FEAR, UZUMAKI NARUTO; JINCHUURIKI OF THE 9 TAILED FOX! THE GIANY FLAOTING HEAD IS HERE TO ASSIST YOU ON YOUR WAY TO BECOMING A BIJUU RANGER!" the strange floating head bellowed in a stupidly confident voice as it seemed to by trying to strike a pose.
"Um…dwah?" was all he could say before a giant cloud of smoke exploded over the field, two figures appearing in its center. As the smoke cleared, the figures were revealed to be wearing what appeared to be orange and yellow spandex suits with some sort of matching helmet masks. This though was not what caught his attention…it was the horrifying posses they were trying to make.
Suddenly, in perfectly sequenced voices, they spoke "We are the Bijuu Rangers, and we are here to protect the ninja world from the forces of…"
"Um…who are we fighting anyway?" asked the orange-colored one in a deep male voice, glancing at his partner.
The yellow one clenched a fist in front of herself, standing proudly. "The forces of evil, what else?" she said in a dramatic voice.
"But what evil is that? There's a shitload of evil in the world. Robbers, missing-nin, the FCC…do we fight for the environment or something?"
"That's a good idea too! Superheroes should be interested in helping the planet! …but I thought this was more the 'evil villain wants to enslave humanity' type of thing?"
"WILL SOMEONE EITHER CUT ME DOWN OR KILL ME ALREADY!!! I CAN'T TAKE MUCH MORE OF THIS SHIT!"
The two fell silent, the only sound in the clearing being light creaking of the log monster as it swayed back in forth with the wind.
"THE GIANT FLOATING HEAD THINKS YOU NEED TO LEARN SOME MANNERS! THAT IS NO WAY TO SPEAK TO ONE WHO HAS COME TO RESCUE YOU!"
Slowly but surely, a small twitch begins in the corner of Naruto's eye, "I have been tied to this log since lunch, then for the last 3 hours I've been tied to a log MONSTER, and now I'm staring at a large-"
"GIANT."
"Wha-?"
"THE GIANT FLOATING HEAD IS THE 'GIANT' FLOATING HEAD! NOT LARGE."
"…"
"…"
"…"
"Right…you know what? I just don't care at this point. Please, go ahead and help me. I'll just be trying to wiggle close enough to one of these claws so I can end this."
"This guys kind of morbid, isn't he?" the orange-clad Gaara asked the other Ranger, jerking his thumb in the direction of the struggling Naruto.
"I heard you weren't rainbows and sunshine either at first." replied Yugito as she faced him, hands fisted on her hips. "Besides, meeting the 'Head' over there for the first time is traumatic enough without the monster being involved."
"Umm, I know I was a bloodthirsty killer twisted by the murmurings of his deranged demon and all…but this dude is trying to chew through his own shoulder." said Gaara, sweatdropping slightly.
The two rangers turned toward the direction of their rescue target to reveal that he was indeed chewing on his arm, already through his jacket and working on the steel mesh below.
"Um…Orange, can you do something about that?" Yugito asked Gaara as she cringed, seeing the first hole forming in the steel mesh.
"I'm not sure…I'm used to just crushing things with my sand, but I suppose I could stop at holding something." Gaara said, bringing his hands up and focusing on the monster.
"Just don't blame me if you hear a squish…"
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"What are those fools doing?!" cried Madara as he watched his log monster being coveredd and held to the ground by a large wave of sand that seemed to explode from the nearby riverbed.
"It looks like the Orange Ranger can control sand and is using it to hold your monster until the yellow one can free the Jinchuuriki…oh look, she just did." said Number Two, appearing from a back room through a sliding crystal door,
Madara turned back to gaze into his crystal yet again and saw, to his horror, that the Yellow Ranger had in fact freed Uzumaki.
"GRRRAAAAAA!!!!! WHERE IS NUMBER ONE WITH THE TUBBIES?! He should have been there by now!" the masked man shouted, flailing his arms wildly.
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Elsewhere, in the skies above Yuki no Kuni…
"Where the hell am I???" Number One shouted, staring down at the ground below from his giant clay bird.
He crossed his arms and closed his eyes in thought. "There shouldn't be snow in Hi no Kuni! I flew straight south from the base, it's not like Konoha is small. It covers half the continent, for Kami's sake! ...maybe I shouldn't have taken that nap ten minutes into the flight." He stayed still for a few more moments before falling to his knees and crying heavily as he threw his head back, shouting into the sky.
"MASTER, YOUR NUMBER ONE IS LOST!!! SAVE MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!"
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Back with our hero (even if it's against his will…)
"Ok look, its not that I'm not grateful for you for stopping the log monster and cutting the ropes…" Naruto said to Yellow(they still refused to tell him their names, dammit!) as he fought to keep the monster's mouth open, "but could you get Spandex Boy over there to let up with the sand blanket already?" asked Naruto, jerking his head at Gaara as he was now attached to the front of the wooden creature, only now he was being held there by sand. "This is kinda worse then where I was to begin with!"
"Um, believe me, we'd like to. But if we let you go, we'd have to let the monster go and we don't have a way to stop it yet…" said the Yellow Ranger, sweatdropping slightly from her spot next to the Orange Ranger.
"…"
"BE NOT AFRAID, THE GIANT FLOATING HEAD IS HERE!!!"
"YOU'VE BEEN HERE THE ENTIRE TIME AND ALL YOU"VE DONE IS SPOUT GIBBERISH!" Naruto shouted at the Head, face red with anger.
"Look, Blondie I'm doing the best I can but this thing is pretty strong for how small it is. I have to move you away slowly in order to maintain the pressure needed to keep it in check." responded the Orange Ranger as he was visible shaking from the effort in trying to move Naruto away from the monster. "And hurling insults at me is NOT a good way to get me to concentrate on that!" he added in a annoyed tone.
"Sooooo I'm just supposed to lay here and what? Paitently wait and make conversation with Woody here?" Naruto snapped back, moving his head to the side as the log monster attempted to take his head off.
"THAT IS CORRECT, YELLOW-HEADED ORANGE BOY! PATIENCE IS ONE OF THE MANY VIRTUES ONE MUST CARRY TO BE CALLED A 'BIJUU RANGER'!!! THINK OF THIS AS A TEST TO FURTHER YOUR FUTURE SKILLS AS ONE OF US!!!"
Naruto turned his head slowly to stare at the floating….thing, a tick appearing on his forehead as his pupils seemed to get thinner. "Ok…log monster, I can accept. Strange people in spandex suit claiming to be trying rescue me…alright. Giant disembodied head talking to me…I'm just gonna ignore that for now, but now you're telling me I'm expected to join this band of costumed crazies?"
The floating head smiled eagerly as the Yellow Ranger nodded proudly along with him, the Orange Ranger smacking himself in the face with his hand. "I get the feeling he shouldn't have told him that…" Gaara said as the ground started shaking slightly.
"Ok, yeah…I don't think so. KYUUBI!!!" Naruto suddenly shouted, causing Yugito's and Gaara's faces paled behing their masks. "If there is anything that connects us other then this damn seal, you sure as hell must be as pissed off about this as me! So wake your fuzzy ass up and do something about it!!!"
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In a dark sewer-like area, a single red eye appeared behind a large cage.
"URRRRMRMMMMRMM…noisy brat…demon lords need their beauty sleep too. ….now my fur will never lay down right."
RoK: DarkFayt, would you like to explain why the chapter took this long?
DF: .......
RoK: Or why we had to cut the chapter here instead of saving the rest for the start of chapter 3?
DF: Alright already...
RoK: Or the fact that your comp-
DF: SHUT IT!!!
RoK: ~shrugs lightly~ Hey man, its not my fault you-
DF: GAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!! ~head explodes~
RoK: …..huh. Well, this might take awhile. See you next chapter.
DF's headless body: Hurry up and fix me! ~flails arms, fuming~
RoK: Yeah, yeah…..~grabs stapler, muttering~ …stupid freakin' author immortality.