Heaven On Their Minds 2/4

Disclaimer: Nothing belongs to me. I've just borrowed the characters and tried to have a fun.

Gil's POV

I don't know how I did it. I don't know what was the breaking point. Where I gathered the courage to say it aloud. To speak about the things which were weighed upon my mind since she left me last year. Suddenly, I feel so free. The whole messy situation connected with Warrick's death and Sara's arrival is gone and I can breath a little. It's not much but still it's something even though the memories of the fateful day will haunt me for the rest of my life. But it's not a kind thing to say, I can breath a bit easier now.

I know that when I now put the key into the lock of my townhouse, she already will be packed and on her way to San Francisco. It's going to be only Hank and I again but … No, that's not entire true and I know it well. I've been looking for a way from this messy relationship, relationship in stasis, for a few months. I was tempted to tell it her when we talked on the phone but I couldn't do it. I had to face her. I hoped it would happen in the right moment and not in a mess like this one. So now I had to find a way how to face someone from my past but also my future. At least I hope in it. And the sentence from the latest interrogation is heavily sounding on my mind. I can't get it out of my system. Maybe I needed to hear something like this so I could wish for a brighter future but with some major changes in my life of this day.

"Have you ever loved someone so much that you'll kill for them?"

I could try to make something up about the breaking up with Sara. I could pretend that I have been seeing some else and this was the reason for it but we both know that the truth is somewhere else. Everything started to fall apart after Sara's kidnapping. I thought we're one of the couples which are able to stand next to each other in every situation. Lean on each other and rely on each other. However, nothing like this happen and we started to drift apart. Some one could try to tell me I was starting to be paranoid. I was looking for something what didn't exist. But I knew that feeling when everything start to fall apart. I went through that experience already few times in the past fifty years. All it became a disappointment for me and I've started building the walls around me. I couldn't let anyone to hurt me again even though I was often the one who caused the rift between me and the people I've loved. I drove everyone away so I would not have been hurt by anyone.

The worst thing I've ever done was to hurt the person who cared for me the most. I know very well that she and I had and still have something more than friendship between us even more I think that was also the reason why I decided to push her away. It's true I had a lot of acquaintances, or maybe I'm supposed to call it one night stands. This is a part of my old life. Life before Las Vegas. Life before I met Catherine. Life before I lost my minds and got together with Sara. Now, when I'm thinking this over, I had a distant feeling that I really did something crazy. I was driven by fear into her arms. By feeling of loneliness. By feeling of unworthy. And finally by my own cowardliness.

Only time will show what is left in the book of fate for me. I can hope only for the best although I still have the obnoxious feeling of unworthiness. I know I am biased when it comes to me but I must be. Every one says simple things about me they have no courage to talk to me because they're afraid of rage I could show. Afraid of my cold mask and demanding behavior. Afraid of losing themselves in my presence if they would come a few steps nearer to me.

Only one person on this world can stand me the way I am. She, yeah, I'm talking about a woman, is most considering, giving, beautiful and kind person who I've ever known. She brought the light into my life. She took all my sorrow away. She gave me the moments I'll cherish for the rest of my life. She gave me family even though I was not always the best friend you would wish for. She is exceptional woman. Yeah, Catherine's that way and she has always taken everything from me and stayed without hesitation next to me in good and bad times. I love her for it.

Oh gosh, that's it. Here is the reason why I found the courage to say everything loudly last night. Love in my heart which is present for more than twenty years for this brave and sassy woman, gave me the strength to act on my feelings.

The feelings hidden at the bottom of my heart. The feelings which were never showed to the one for which are held. The feelings which are waiting to said to her. Only for her.