a/n: Thanks again to my wonderful, awesome, forever beautiful co-writer JennifferButterfly! (Yes, Jenniffer contributes to the a/n as well : ) ) (But keep in mind it was Fluffy that didn't remove that stuff so it's just as much her fault. :-P) Same rules as before. If you aren't sure who is speaking, it is very likely House. Another fact paced one, and it gets more cynical. Just remember, parody is love!
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Enter House and Wilson.
"Isn't it great that we can now start a season where we don't have to focus on any character introduction or development? This season nobody changes."
Wilson gives a strange face. "How so? You learn nothing, Cameron is emotionally unstable, Foreman is arrogant, Chase and Cuddy are wallpaper... okay good point. Still, I can't shake off the feeling that we all end up acting out of character. Wilson sighs, as he often tends to do. "It seems the only development comes from my marriage falling apart."
"That's been predicted since season one, and I'm not sure what type of bombshell they were trying to drop there since it's your third marriage."
"Actually, you have to do cute banter and suffer through deep yet uninteresting sexual tension with Stacy for seven episodes."
"Seven??? We had Vogler for five and that was painful enough."
Wilson grabs the bridge of his nose, not in the mood to explain why anyone thought these were good ideas. "Well, they aren't really interested in doing stories with the cast they already have so they have to bring in new and irritating characters. That is why Chase and Cuddy are doomed to being lovely set decorations this season. Cameron on the other hand, well she's David Shore's spoiled little princess and will be getting all the time she wants."
"Really? What's the legitimate excuse for this?"
"Apparently she's pretty."
"So is Chase but that isn't changing things. Okay, onto season 2."
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All the characters gathered in the conference room, ready to zip through the carelessly uneven season 2.
"Okay, first we've got to save some prisoner so he can fry on death row, blah, blah, blah."
Foreman speaks up, beaming with pride."I have to stick up for the guy because I need to give a brother a break." Everyone looks at Foreman strangely as he makes some random gang signs. "Sorry, I'm trying to add some authenticity to my character, otherwise I'm not interesting."
"It isn't working. You're still boring."
Chase, lowering his head in defeat, sighs. "I know, I have a pretty mouth, go search the prison cell so all those pervs crave for my bum. If it weren't for grunt work, no one would think I was on this show." Exit Chase.
Cameron speaks up, beaming with a smug grin. "I need to run all sorts of unnecessary tests on a patient of mine because I'm still too caring to let her die. Oh, and I've got to get ready for my busy season."
Foreman protests to House. "How does she get her own patients? She can't doctor her way out of a wet paper sack."
Cameron smiles deviously. "I'm just that important." Exit Cameron, who is completely happy about the promising screen time for her this season.
House rolls his eyes over the little diva. "Yeah, well that episode was pretty boring anyway, especially for a premiere. Let's move onto Andie."
Enter Chase. "I'm on it. Gotta give her that awkward and inappropriate kiss so people all over the internet can debate whether I'm sweet or a creepy pedophile." Exit Chase to do his duty.
"Yeah, we are all warm and fuzzy inside with her bravery. Wilson, tell me what a misanthrope I am."
"Great, we just covered my purpose for every episode for the rest of the series." Wilson is silent for a minute before coming to a sad realization. "Now what am I supposed to do?"
"Don't worry next season I'm sure the powers that be will think of something completely out of character for you to do. Where were we? Oh, yes, now I can buy my motorcycle leaving lots of fans to wonder how I drive it in the winter and where the Corvette went."
Enter Cameron, tired of being ignored. "Is it time for my plot yet?"
"Oh, trust me, your screen time explodes soon. Next you get to fall all over Sebastian Charles while I ridicule his hypocritical way of life."
Enter Cuddy. "What about my handyman? That's my one episode of the season."
"What about it? He loses his hand and the chicken did it. Plot wasted, but I think we can effectively say he won't be so "handy" any more." House snickers while Wilson gives him his canon 'grow some ethics' look.
"Son!"
House cringes at the unexpected arrival. "Oh gee, I completely forgot about my parent's visit. I guess that something I really needed to block out of my mind. Mom, I love you, dad, you're a jerk, and I'm a disappointment. Say a quick hello to Cameron because she is a meddling bitch and we'll move on." Both parents nod hello and then leave.
Enter Stacy. "House!"
Housed buries his head into his hands. "Oh God, not more. Stacy, why are you here again?"
"Because, somebody thought another female was needed to make your life miserable." Stacy tries desperately to show chemistry between her and House, but fails horribly.
"What, Cameron isn't enough?"House sighs. "Come on, let's breeze through all your episodes now so you can leave already."
"You're a miserable, sexist jerk, I'll never forgive you for stealing my records from the therapist, I both hate you and I love you, I kind of sort of maybe love Mark, it was okay to sleep with you while I'm married to another man, and oh, I'm pretty useless aren't I? Damn, I deserve to be dumped. I'm gone." Exit Stacy never to be seen again. Fans can be heard cheering around the world.
"Okay great, glad we got that out of the way. Let's see, as for our patients, as long as they had sex, our medical mysteries are solved. Glad to see this season medically was such a slam dunk."
"Sex kills." Enter Chase.
"Sure, go ahead and yet again deliver the obvious answer Mr. Kiss Ass. By the way, you're still completely stupid this season."
"Narf!" Chase shouts before leaving to go do nothing with all the freetime he apparently has this season.
Enter Foreman. "No lupus?"
"Go through ever single episode we've ever had. When has it been lupus?"
Enter Cameron, still irritated by not being the center of attention. "Wait a second, I haven't been given my time to raise my moral objections about cheaters, adulterers," she gives a snarling glare to Wilson, "drug users that let me steal their dope, gambling OTB patients with Munchausen's, bosses that drop acid, dads that have sex with their daughters, married couples that have threesomes while lying about their happiness, teenagers that have sex and lie to their parents, people that lie to their partners to get a organ donated to them, fellow doctors that steal your research paper," same glare of malcontent is thrown at Foreman, "bosses that are mean to brain damaged co-workers…" Cameron pauses a second to catch her breath. "Man do I have a stick up my ass or what? How does all that annoying behavior warrant so much screen time?"
Enter Chase"That's what I don't get. I'm relegated to background noise for that? Plus, aren't we starting to do plots out of order now?"
"Does it really matter by this point? The whole season has been a waste and jumbling it up can only spice things up. As for you Cameron, shut up and go have your meth sex with Chase now. I've got to go catch me a pet rat and give Foreman something to do so we can heal it."
Chase protests. "Ugh, House, do I have to? People will spend hours online complaining how I raped her when she was the one that had my back to the wall."
"At least one of us is getting some."
Chase shrugs. "What do you mean? You got to have sex with Stacy." A rather disgusted face comes on his face after he thinks about it. "Ewww, I guess we'll call it even."
Chase turns to Cameron. "Oh yeah, this is also the point where you're a bitch to me all the time from now on."
Cameron nods. "What were you expecting,for me to just fall head over heals for you and forget House? Now lets boogie!" Exit Cameron and Chase for some very kinky off screen time.
Enter Foreman, ready now for his spotlight. "Okay, everyone shut up. I'm in charge now. Time for Blackpolean Blackaparte to show all of you people how fucked up you really are."
"Wait, isn't Chase supposed to kill a patient and tell the sad story of his dead father before that happens?"
"It doesn't matter. He won't be relevant anymore except for one scene near the end. Quite frankly, we probably could've done without him this season." Foreman exudes confidence now that he will be getting some great screen time from here on out.
"No problem, be in charge. I'm going to Baltimore to get it on with Stacy during a snow storm, steal a ball from a kid in the airport and be hassled by security all while somehow managing to use curry as a sex metaphor. Great fun. Whew, this season so far is dragging way too much. Is there anyway we can speed it up?"
Enter Wilson, who was strangely forgotten about until now. "I've left my cheating wife and get to stay in your apartment. We play jokes on each other."
"Good, that kills a few episodes. We already covered the sex kills part. Let's see, I dump Stacy, sabotage the career of the guy who ratted me out in medical school while getting a migraine and dropping acid, figure out a teenage girl has balls, solve an attempted murder mystery with some childhood science kit, save a boy's life by driving everyone completely crazy by rehashing Esther's case, and tell a lesbian she has by an absolutely incomprehensible and inconceivable possibility the plague while calling her a bitch. There, that should jump us ahead a bit."
Enter Chase and Cameron. "So where in the season are we now?"
"Sex took that long?"
"It didn't suck." Chase grins.
"We are getting ready to save Foreman's sorry ass. Prepared for the water works Cameron?"
Cameron pouts. "He gets brain damage and I don't suddenly want to marry him? I think the powers that be have already screwed up character continuity."
Enter Wilson, who is still trying to be relevant. "Is sour the only expression she has?"
House presses on, ignoring the other two, and tells Foreman's story. "Foreman stays damaged for one episode and then goes back to normal without any type of explanation or insight to his further personal struggles. We call that in show business a dropped plot line. Okay, now before I get shot, Chase needs to cry over the dead baby."
"Since this is my only scene for this half of the season, let me say a quick prayer." Chase clears his throat. "God of mercy, why have you been so cruel to us? You've given us this ridiculous season filled with awful romantic subplots and nothing but Cameron ninety percent of the time. The only thing that's remotely nice about this season is the patient stories but I have the feeling that won't last. Next season will be all about the drama and all involved will be lucky to get anything of medical relevance. Please, for the love of yourself, stop torturing the viewers and us. Amen."
"Shut up alter boy. You get screen time next season."
"Oh, then never mind." Exit Chase.
Enter Cuddy, who surprises the others. Apparently she wasn't invisible. "What about Crandall?"
"That horrible episode? How can anyone believe that I possibly could ever be friends with such a dork? I would have rather watched Steve McQueen run in his wheel for an hour. Now we can get to the grand finale."
Cuddy waves for attention. "Wait, what about me trying to get pregnant? I know that it'll soon become the longest subplot this show has ever had, but at the moment I'm still fighting for a story line here."
"Am I the dad?"
"No, but…"
"Okay, so I'm shot twice, but since everything is a hallucination and never really happened, it looks like you can all go away."
"Gladly." Everyone says in unison.
Everyone leaves except Cameron, whose trademark pout indicates she isn't done hogging the screen time. "But…but we still need to have surgical robot sex!"
House sighs. "What part of 'never really happened' don't you understand?"
Exit a whining Cameron and enter Wilson, ready to play Greek chorus for the final bit.
"Season three is all about me." House proclaims cheerfully. "Should be great."
Wilson frowns. "What are you talking about? Season three is loaded with contrivance, yet another unsympathetic villain that drags down every episode he appears in, a bloated focus on character ships and ridiculous out of character moments for just about everyone. In other words, the writing sucks."
"Hmm, sounds like fun."
Wilson sighs, "Do you think we can apply the same 'it was all just a dream' scenario from this season's finale to the entire next season?"
"This is House, not Dallas. Onto the next season!"
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a/n: Okay, I know its a parody, which usually generates a laugh or two and not much else, but Jenniffer and I both would love to know if you dig this or not. Chapter 3 is going to be especially biting (in a fun way). Let us know if you actually want to see it! All reviews most appreciated and adored. Thanks as usual for reading!