Everything about his life was fake: his friends, his family, his smile, his face. His entire being WAS A LIE!
He'd give anything for a chance to just be himself, not the cool, collected – disgustingly perfect person he'd made others believe he was.
For once he wanted to break down, get angry, feel something – ANYTHING! He didn't want to live up to his father's expectations, because he couldn't do it!
He was: weak, pathetic, a failure, broken, a lie, a tool.
Kyouya laughed bitterly to himself, for he knew this, just as he knew everything else (lies). Most days he ran on auto pilot – the one thing he truly, honest to God, trusted his body to remember for him.
To remember to…
Eat
Walk
Listen
Talk
Breathe…
Breathe? What was the purpose anymore? He didn't live for himself that was for certain, so for what, for who? He knew – as much as he wished he didn't – he knew who he lived for.
He lived for the boy with hair the color of sunsets. Eyes so big and bright and pure they seemed to glisten with a never-ending field of golden and bronze stars. A smile filled to the brim with warmth and sunshine.
For the boy whose laugh flowed like silk and sounded like bells, but these traits were lies (just like everything else), a cover up. For this boy was just as cracked and lost as Kyouya himself was.
As he thought this he couldn't bring himself to care – it didn't matter if they were lies or truth, reality or fake – because as long as he had Kaoru to lean on everything would be fine, and he knew that.
Just like how only the broken can understand the broken, only the hidden understand those who hide.
He was going to be with the little Hitachiin forever – even if he had to silence both their voices and cut their lives short – he'd find a way to stay, to chain that boy to his side.
He'd never be alone again, never again feel pain or sorrow – he'd make sure of it.
Step, step….breathe.
Just keep moving. Don't panic. Don't-don't-breathe, don't think, just breathe.
Keep smiling, keep moving, keep pretending (pretending you can't feel the weight of the knife in your pocket). Always – always pretend. Stay hidden, believe the endless lies you've written.
Lies that state your happy, independent, strong, invincible, perfect, that if you do this one thing (kill him) that these false tidings will become true.
Stop. Observe – keep searching, keep looking.
In
Out
In
O-out
Breathe. Don't stop; remember to keep going.
You've been trapped – caged like some common beast. Not for much longer though, tonight it ends. Tonight the walls to your cage will crumble and you'll be free. Tonight the ground will be watered with blood and you'll finally be happy.
You find him alone (no one to scream to) in the more secluded part of the Ouran gardens (no interruptions) and you move to finish this – to throw the chains over his body and lose the key to the very thing binding him to you. He struggles but they're weak, half-hearted. Like some part of him wants it, but another keeps screaming at him to fight – to resist.
You're almost there. You can escape. Leave. Finally-finally be free.
Your world had long since been bleached of color, sound, and light. Lost in the bleak, darkness the world created for you.
When that divine angel came, light had begun to crack through the surface of his hiding place. Bringing forward laughter and happiness – those feelings can't end, he wouldn't allow it.
Color and sound will accompany the light you'd felt him place into your sanctuary. You'll be able to see, hear…breathe. You'll be able to feel again (not pain, never pain, no more pain).
It hurts, but it proves that you're alive - that you're remembering to breathe.
The escape is getting closer and as you get closer colors begin seeping in, coloring the wasteland that'd become your place of refuge.
Beautiful colors: blue, green, yell-
Black - Once again that's all you can see, hear, feel.
You'd succeeded; he was waiting for you by the entrance to your freedom, but he was gone…
Gone and lingering for you (no doubt by now wondering where you are) and you find that you can't end yourself – that your scared.
No, no, no, NO!
It wasn't supposed to be like this – it was supposed to be easy. As easy as it had been to end him, the one you loved and cherished.
Why? Why hesitate? Your life doesn't matter, so why wait?
This is what you wanted, isn't it! You're going to be with him for the rest of eternity! SO DO IT!
NO MORE HESITATION!
You close your eyes and just…breathe.
In
Out
In
Out
In
…
….
…
Out
It wasn't until this moment that you realized that you'd finally DONE it.
And you….panic, you change your mind – you REGRET.
You've just erased yourself – yourself and him – from the pages of the living.
You've just hurt people. Made them…
Depressed
Murderous
Hurt
Confused
Shocked
Broken
Scarred
Unable to breathe…
NO, WHAT HAVE YOU DONE? How could you do this, what had you been thinking?
The escape you pictured had been fake – another lie to add to the ever growing collection humanity kept.
The escape you pictured is lost – knocked from your mind with a terrible, terrifying moment of realization that reality choose NOW to present to you.
Once again, you've failed – just like in everything else – made the wrong choices, completely fell beneath everyone's expectations.
For the first time in your life you'd miscalculated and you find that you don't like it.
It makes you feel…
Disgusted
Sick
Weak
Vulnerable
Exposed
It doesn't matter now, when everything's too late – too late to take anything back, fix the fatal mistake you'd just made, apologize like you so desperately needed to.
Stop. Don't think. Just concentrate on breathing. Try to remember your last breaths.
I-I-In
….
….
….
…Out
…
In
…
…
…
O-Out
…
…
In
…
….
This is it – you can feel the shadows crushing you, embracing you in the hauntingly cold arms and soothing you with hands that grasped at anything to anchor themselves. Clasped to a body that feels far to familiar; this embrace to was a lie, just another way to taunt him, just another way to throw himself away, another way to disappear.
For this embrace belonged to the deceiver, the devil, the destroyer. He'd shown me what I look like when I am standing on the edge, how I break apart when I finally hit the ground, how it hurts when I pretend I don't feel any pain.
The more you pretended, the faster you fell.
The faster you fell, the more desperate you'd become.
The more desperate you'd become, the more horrid your decisions became.
Now, now you can feel the weight of your choice all around you – from the dark, red liquid seeping into the grass, to the large hunting knife that you had fallen in front of you, to the way you were sprawled across the ground.
It had been an insane choice, but you hadn't wanted to feel like you were nothing, you hadn't wanted to feel like that tomorrow. Kaoru had made him feel better, like he didn't have to live like this. Kaoru had seen the things in himself he'd begun to have trouble hiding.
You'd made so many mistakes, failed so many times, become so negative. You felt that your death would bring the world some peace – another worthless being gone from their brilliant presences. You see now it'd been the wrong choice, but still even if it was wrong, it still feels so right.
Finally content with yourself you give in to the darkness that clouded your vision. You sigh and don't remember to breathe.
O_O I can't believe all that angst came out of me, wow I must be having a bad day. Anyway, please R&R and keep adding it to your favorites and such. I'd like to throw a thank you out to Azeia-kun for being the first person to favorite this story. I bid you farewell until we met again.
- Darkness34
*An Increase In Light, Gives An Increase In Darkness*