'Mere?'

Meredeth's head snapped up at the sound of Lili's voice on the other side of the bathroom door, and she looked at her reflection in the mirror. Her blue eyes were red-rimmed and streaming, the tears forming crevices in her make-up. She sniffled quietly, yanked at the roll of toilet paper to dab her eyes.

'Mere, honey?' Now Honey-Milk joined in too.

'I'm fine, just a little upset stomach. I think I drank that punch too fast, too much sugar all at once,' Meredeth fibbed, then sobbed softly again when she heard both Lanie and Beckett outside.

'Bullshit, sugar, get your Danish ass out here.'

'Yeah, and make it snappy, Javier's getting worried about you too.'

'Really I'm fine.'

When there was no response, Meredeth wanted to breathe a little easier, but she knew better. Looking at herself in the mirror, she sighed heavily and twisted the doorknob. As she expected, all four of her girls were in the room: Lanie was sitting cross legged on the bed beside Lili, Beckett was leaning against the bureau and Honey-Milk sat on the ottoman at the end of the bed. All had the light of worry in their eyes as they looked at her, and post-partum Lanie even started to tear up a little bit. But it was Beckett herself who made the first move.

'Sweetie, I'm so sorry, I didn't realize...' She trailed off as she came over and wrapped her arms around her friend, stroked her hair. 'I didn't realize things were so bad for you.'

'No, no.' Meredeth shoved Beckett away, swiped at her eyes. 'This is your son's birthday, Lanie, I can't ruin it like this...I need to get out of here.'

She turned for the door, but Honey-Milk was quicker and bodily blocked it. 'The fuck we are letting you out of here when you look like that. What, you think that we're going to brush off your troubles just because the timing is inconvenient?'

'It's nothing, I'm handling it-'

'By shutting us out?' Now Lanie got her shots in. 'There's always time for another party, Mere, but you are hurting now. And we want to fix that.'

'There is no way to fix it.' Meredeth sighed heavily, slumped against the closed door. 'I can't have any more babies, and we wanted a fourth so badly, so now...now I'll have put Javi through hell being such a bitch about it, and it's all in vain.'

'Yo, Susan Lucci, dial it down.' Lili the soaps-fan tried for dry sarcasm, but even that did nothing to penetrate the dense, unhappy fog surrounding her sister-in-law. 'Now what's all this about no more babies? You can't get pregnant anymore?'

'Looks like that's the case.'

'But the doctor would have told you, right?' Honey-Milk looked aghast that Harvey would let such an important test slip past his care. 'Harvey would tell you that on your appointment?'

'He said there is no medical reason for me and Javi not to conceive another three children if we wanted,' Meredeth said hollowly. 'And my last physical, before we started trying again last year, had nothing funny turn up. So it's something they missed, something they didn't check right or not enough.'

'Maybe it's the stress you're not pregnant yet that's affecting you, Mere,' Beckett pointed out. 'A lot of these things

'Kate no offense, but you weren't even trying with your husband and it happened.'

'Exactly. You need to calm...relax about it,' she replied, remembering how up in arms Meredeth always got when she was told to calm down. 'You and Javi will have another baby, I can feel it.'

'Maybe you'll get another double-barrel like Leo and Trini,' Lili added with a smile, then felt her heart crumble to dust when Meredeth shuddered, and the tears started up again.

All of them looked at each other, with no idea what to do, they hadn't even seen Meredeth this shattered when her husband had been shot or when her grandmother died. For a moment, Lanie wondered if it was possible that her girl was already pregnant and this was simply her hormones acting like a crazy bitch.

'I don't want to do this,' she whispered through her tears, 'I don't. I want to be happy and enjoy the cake and the presents and the party for Carey, Lanie, but...fuck I am so selfish. I'm going to get some fresh air.'

'Mere,' Lili started, but Meredeth was already turning on her heel and staring down Honey-Milk.

'Jennifer Agatha, you have four seconds to move.'

Realizing it wasn't her day to win the battle, Honey-Milk stepped aside and let her go.

Meredeth took a few deep breaths before heading down the hallway and was almost to the door when she scented Esposito near her.

'Keep walking,' he murmured, 'I'll come with you.'

'No, I need to be by myself for a moment.'

'Tough luck, babe.'

'Javi.' Meredeth said it through gritted teeth and mustering all the courage she could, turned to face him. One look at his soulful brown eyes that mirrored her own worry nearly broke the greasy control she'd regained. 'I love you very much, but please. I need to take a walk.'

'Okay.'

He watched her slip out and watching her go when every instinct told him to run after her, to cradle her against his chest and soothe her troubled heat was the hardest thing he'd ever done in his life.

There was no guilt like the feeling of using work to escape home-life troubles, Esposito realized as he stepped off the elevator at the precinct three days later. Meredeth had taken her fourth pregnancy test in a week and it was negative. She was beyond cursing now, this time she'd just sadly shaken her head, washed her hands and went downstairs to fold the laundry from the dryer. It killed Esposito a little bit every time when he had to see that look on her face, not only the disappointment but the guilt she had too, that she was the defective one and it was all her fault they weren't conceiving their fourth musketeer just yet.

Sitting down at his desk, Esposito rested his head in his hands a moment before booting up his computer; he slipped on his reading glasses - the ones Meredeth said made him just like Indiana Jones - and logged in. He was just opening his file on notes needed for court the next day when Ryan pulled up a chair beside him.

'Hey, bro, what's going on with Meredeth?' he asked in a low voice; the captain was on vacationand his replacement didn't like personal issues discussed in the bullpen. 'She looked like you'd cheated on her or something when she left Lanie and Dave's room at the party.'

Esposito gave Ryan a frigid-Arctic stare. 'You even think about joking about that ever again and I will rip your nuts off Kevin Thomas Ryan.'

'Okay, I didn't think it was that at all, I know you love your wife and you're too busy nailing her morning noon and night to so much as look at another woman. Is it the baby thing?' When Esposito simply nodded, Ryan breathed a small sigh of relief. 'Still no luck, huh?'

'I'm thinking someone in the lab screwed up the tests or something, because there is no way that-'

'Gentlemen! Where are you with Griggs for the Corcoran case?' Roberta Sack, the detective-sergeant on loan from the Twenty-Sixth precinct walked past their desks and gave them a fishy stare. 'Or am I interrupting your water-cooler gossip?'

'Griggs will be here to give us an official statement at ten-thirty, in the mean time Detective Esposito and I were discussing notes on a case that is going to prelim trial tomorrow.'

'Then use a conference room to chit-chat,' Roberta returned stiffly and marched into the captain's office, making Ryan shudder as the door slammed.

'Why did Montgomery have to go to the Carolinas when you are having a crisis?'

'Because it's his niece's wedding, you bozo,' Esposito reminded his partner, then clicked his terminal mouse a few times, sent his notes to the printer. 'But I don't want to talk about it right now, man, I just...I need a break from worrying about my wife.'

'Okay. How about a nice juicy weasel shake-down to boost your spirits?'

'Which one?'

'Babylon.'

'Oh, he's fun.' Esposito allowed himself a little smile as he reached for his suit jacket. 'He still got that chihuahua named Sprinkles?'

'Nah, it's a terrier mutt named Spike now. Let's roll.'

'That was fun.'

'Glad to hear that coming from you, bro.'

'Well, insofar as shaking down a snitch in need of a shower can be fun.'

Ryan chuckled as they inched their way closer to the front of the line at Monsoon's. It had been a productive morning and since he was feeling generous, he was going to spring for the lunch today. He squinted at the board, trying to decide between the tofu-fu stir fry or the meatless noodle bowl when he felt the line surge, and he stumbled into the woman in front of him. 'I'm sorry, ma'am, it wasn't me, honest.'

The woman turned around and gave him a look, and even happily-married Ryan felt his stomach weaken. She was a stunner in her mid-forties, with almond-shaped green eyes and smooth skin the colour of orange pekoe tea.

'So you say, and...' She trailed off as Esposito faced forward again, and her jaw dropped open. 'Javi? Javi Esposito?'

Esposito looked at the woman and blinked. 'Victoria?'

'Oh my god!' Victoria threw her arms around Esposito's neck and laughed as she squeezed him tightly in a hug. 'It's been way too long!'

'I know, you look amazing!'

'Wanna catch me up bro?' Ryan asked, not liking the level of familiarity he was seeing between his bro and this woman.

'Oh, sorry. Victoria this is Kevin Ryan, Ryan, this is Victoria Russo, she was my first partner on the force.'

'First for a few other things too,' she added, giving Esposito a friendly elbow in the ribs. 'Listen I'm kind of in a rush but I'm in town for a day or two, why don't we get some dinner tomorrow night?'

'Sounds fantastic. How about O'Leary's on Twenty-First and Seventh?'

'Wonderful. See you then?'

Victoria darted off without even ordering, leaving Ryan to stare at Esposito. 'What?'

'How are you going to explain to your wife you're going on a date tomorrow night?'

'It's not a date, she's an old friend.'

'Dude, if you saw her naked she doesn't fit into the 'old friends' category, or even the 'old cop buddies' one. She's smack dab in the 'old flames' column.'

'Meredeth isn't going to mind,' Esposito started, then rethought that statement. His wife had practically had a nervous, stressed out collapse at a child's birthday party over hearing her friend was pregnant. She wouldn't react too kindly to this one, he was damn certain. 'She's going to mind, isn't she?'

'Normally I'd say no, but given her current emotional state, you brother are a dead man walking.'

Esposito sighed. 'I want to see Victoria tomorrow night for a beer to tell her what's happened in my life the last few years, you know, getting married and having a family, that's all.'

'Uh-huh.'

'She's not Valencia, Ry. Trust me.'

'Really?'

'Really. Trust me.'

'Okay.' The tone told Ryan to let it go, but he couldn't help feeling weirded out that Esposito, whose moral compass never wavered once with regards to Meredeth, was so blase about this.

He wondered if he might need to make up the couch for his friend to crash on when Meredeth gave his ass a boot for the night.