Vin wasn't about to let go. He knew it was irrational, but he was also certain that if he let go, he'd never see Ezra alive again. The medics were able to work around him for the first couple of minutes, examining the leg and side injuries. Now, they needed to get Ezra to chopper, and there was no time to waste.
Chris pulled at Vin's arm. Gently at first, then with more determination. "Let them do their job Vin. You gotta get out of the way." When there was no reaction, Buck moved in and simply pried him away, kneeling next to him as Ezra was lifted onto the stretcher. None of them took theirs eyes off him.
"Sorry Vin. You had to let go."
"No," he barely whispered back to Buck. "You were right. I just couldn't seem to move. It feels too much like goodbye."
Chris's reply was more a rumble than a comment. "He ain't leaving us. Not like this." He finally pulled his eyes away as the ambulance arrived and he saw the medics at the top of the ravine. "You got a wounded man down here needs a stretcher." He looked back at Vin.
"Two," Buck corrected. He stayed close until help got to the bottom, then got out of their way.
He turned to watch the medevac helicopter carry Ezra off to the nearest trauma centre. The medics had worked frantically to stabilize him, at least for the moment, but it was clearly touch and go. He was wrapped in thermal blankets and surrounded by heating packs before being lifted into the chopper. He'd also heard the order for blood transfusions to be waiting, and emergency surgical staff was being summoned to the hospital. He waited until the chopper was out of sight before walking slowly back to the ambulance Chris and Vin were being moved to. His heart kept telling him he should've been faster to get help, while his brain tried to reassure him that simply was impossible. It had been a miracle to get help here as quickly as he did. No matter what happened, he was going to have to remember to find some way to thank those kids, not that he imagined he ever really could express that gratitude.
"How are these two?" he asked, reaching the vehicle.
"Cold, wet and banged up, but nothing we can't fix."
"Don't need a damned ambulance," Chris complained again.
"Oh yeah," the paramedic added, "did I mention stubborn?"
"Like you're telling me something I don't know."
"You should check him too," Vin commented from his stretcher. "He was in the van with us." The medic turned to look.
"I'm fine" Buck assured him.
"Ten to one says he has cracked ribs. The rest of us do." Chris added.
"I said I'm fine."
The medic sighed. "Why are cops always so damn stubborn?"
Chris allowed himself his first real grin of the day. "If you happen to have a female medic around, I think you will find him much more cooperative."
7-7-7-7-7-7-7
Late evening saw the trio still waiting for word on Ezra. They'd all been given permission to leave the hospital, but had gone only as far as the waiting room. Chris had already abandoned the sling they'd provided, and Vin occasionally glanced with anger at his crutches. Conversation had stopped some time ago, as they determined there was really nothing suitable to say. The strained silence was shattered when the remainder of the team stormed through the doors.
"How is he? What have you heard?"
"No update since we spoke Josiah. They're still 'monitoring' him. Which is doctor talk for we don't know what the hell else to do."
Nathan turned to Chris hoping he'd be a better source of information than Buck was.
"You said they have him stabilized?"
"Took them a while to settle his heart rhythm, and last they told us, they still weren't thrilled about it. Couldn't seem to get him warmed up."
"On the other hand, they said being so cold slowed down the blood flow enough to keep Ezra from bleeding to death." Vin added, trying to sound optimistic, and failing.
"What about the injuries?"
"Side wound apparently didn't do a lot of damage, just bleeding. The leg…" Vin faded off.
"What about his leg?" JD asked.
"They don't know if they can save it kid." Buck said softly. "The damage and the cold. I put the damn tourniquet on too tight. Cut off the circulation."
"Yeah, because watching him bleed to death would've been a much better option. The real damage was done when we took him out of the car. Couldn't move fast enough because my damn hand."
"I didn't exactly patch him up all that well Chris. Should've been smarter about that."
"For God's sake! Are you listening to yourselves? You stopped the bleeding, got him out of the water, and warmed him up. You do realize you all kept him alive? That's the important thing here." Josiah shook his head in disbelief.
"Hope he sees it that way."
"He will Chris. We may have to remind him of that if things don't exactly work out, but he'll come around."
JD sat beside Buck. "You okay? You weren't hurt?"
"Nothing a few days rest won't heal up. Don't worry about me kid."
Nathan and Josiah sat as well. Chris glanced at his watch, then back to his men. "How did you get here so fast?"
"We flew."
"For God's sake, don't tell Ezra that!"
"Have you guys been able to figure out what happened?"
"Local cops are looking into it. We gave them the report. Like I said on the phone Josiah, the three of us were sleep. For some reason Ezra took the side road. Mumbled something about a detour while he was drifting in and out back there. Next thing we know two cars were forcing us off the road. Pitch black, they had no lights on after they blinded Ezra with high beams. Couldn't really see what was hitting us."
"Did you get a chance to look at the road Chris?" At the negative response, Buck continued. "I checked it out while the medics were working on you two. Ezra wouldn't have had a clue what he was driving toward at that point. All he could tell was he'd been driving around sharp curves and steep grades. Road ahead of us looked to be gone altogether, or at least it would've looked that way to him at night."
"You saying he deliberately steered us down that slope?"
"No, I don't think so. His side of the van was most smashed up, even though they were hitting us on the passenger side. He was trying to slow us down."
"He drove his side into the trees!" Chris caught on. "That's when the door folded in on the stupid son of a bitch."
"Chris, if we'd gone another hundred feet we would've gone over a sheer drop. None of us would've survived it."
They sat in silence, absorbing the revelation.
"He damn well better live," Chris finally muttered, "because I'm going to kill him."
7-7-7-7-7-7-7
In the 24 hours since they'd arrived, Ezra had gone from near frozen to spiking a fever. The leg injury had become infected and on top of all the other concerns they now had added a stronger antibiotic to his cocktail of pain medications and sedatives. The team had been restricted to one visitor at a time. Vin spent time stretched out on the vacant bed next to him, watching every blip of the heart monitor. Ezra was moving in response to whatever dreams were dancing through his subconscious. Vin wanted nothing more than to be able to reassure him, but had no idea how. Nothing was getting through to him, and there was so little encouraging news to offer.
Guilt trips aside, no one went anywhere. Emotions were drained as the men sat waiting for news, any news, on Ezra's condition. When the code blue was called each man was pretty sure his own heart stopped as well. Nathan was barely able to suppress the urge to follow the emergency team into Ezra's room. JD had been sitting with him when the code was called, and was overwhelmed by the situation.
"Everything just stopped Buck. I mean, it was quiet in there anyway, but this was – I don't know – unnatural." He couldn't take his eyes off the door and Buck basically had to drag him off to the side of the hall to get out of the way.
"I know what you mean. Believe me, I've seen it happen before, and once is more than enough."
"They can get him back Buck. They have to." There was no good way to answer that, so Buck didn't try to pretend there was.
Chris was rhythmically beating his hand on the arm of the chair until Josiah reached out to still the movement. "That's your broken arm Chris. Don't think that's your best idea." He hadn't even been aware of his actions. They all turned and froze in place when the door opened again. A quick half smile from the doctor got them all moving.
"He okay now?" JD asked.
"He is far from out of danger. Mr. Standish is still extremely weak. We've warmed him up past the critical stage, but there seems to be a problem stabilizing his cardiac rhythm. The blood loss factors into this, but it's the fight his body is having with the other injuries that is draining him."
"His leg isn't improving then?" Nathan's look of concern cut to the heart of all the others.
"Circulation is not coming back properly, and the infection has not fully cleared. The antibiotics have been marginally successful, but there is still a long way to go. Frankly, I'm not optimistic. We may have no option but to take the leg if we want to save his life."
"You can't do that to him doc." Chris was almost pleading. "You've got no idea what that'll do to him."
"It isn't my first choice Mr. Larabee, but I'm sure he'd prefer it over death."
"I wouldn't bet on it."
The doctor was surprised to realize Chris meant every word of what he said. "I promise you, we will do everything possible. Excuse me now gentlemen."
Chris watched him leave as the others returned their attention to the room. The door opened again as the rest of the response team left. The floor nurse stopped on her way out, looking with respect at the tired, anxious faces.
"You really should get some rest – especially you three," she added, nodding at the walking wounded. Before anyone could respond, she smiled. "But I know I'm wasting my breath. Go back to the waiting room. I'll bring you some of the good coffee from the staff lounge." They looked at each other, and in the silent communication possible only amongst those who are truly connected, made their decision. Josiah entered Ezra's room while the others went back to the waiting game.
He pulled the chair close to the bed, eyeing the monitors as if they were the enemy. "I know you don't put much stock in religion son, and I can't say I'm likely to have much influence with the Almighty, but if it's all the same to you, I think I'm going to do a bit more praying for a while." Hearing no objection from Ezra, Josiah bowed his head and began asking for favours he wasn't entirely sure he had the right to.
An hour later a quiet tap on the door proceeded Nathan's entry. Josiah stood, releasing Ezra's hand from his gentle hold. As he stood by Nathan's side he spoke. "He hasn't really moved at all."
"Not surprised Josiah. Every bit of energy he's got is going into healing. I just hope it's enough."
"Has to be. We'll be losing a lot more than him if, God forbid, this doesn't work out."
Nathan nodded. "Yeah, those three are doing a hell of a job of beating themselves up over his injuries."
"He'd be mighty upset to see it." Josiah smiled lightly and added, "Doubt he would believe it either."
Nathan took over the vacated seat. "You go get something to eat, and try to get some rest. He'd be upset with you too, if he could see the way you look right now."
The hourly rotation continued through the night. At some point earlier in the evening, Chris couldn't say when, JD had broken from the team and disappeared. When the absence was noted, Buck shrugged. "Guess he needed some air. He was pretty shook up earlier."
They were all more than surprised when JD showed up laden with shopping bags. "Had to guess on the sizes, but I figured you guys might prefer sweats to the hospital scrubs you've been stuck in. Nothing was salvageable from the van. Ezra's going to be pissed off about losing two suits. Should be interesting to read that expense claim." He handed Chris a bag containing socks, briefs, sweat pants and shirts and a few toiletries. "Hope you don't mind Chris, they only had fire engine red in your size."
Chris's face fell until he opened the bag and let out a small sigh. "Black – how did you guess?"
Buck grabbed for a bag, but JD pulled back. "Nope, you get the blue ones. Vin gets grey. The other bags of got some food, protein bars, stuff like that." He flopped down on the loveseat and put his feet up.
"Kid, someday you're gonna make somebody a fine wife."
"Shut up Buck."
7-7-7-7-7-7-7
Even when Judge Travis contacted Chris to let the team know arrests had been made, there was no sense of relief in the room. The confirmation that they had been run of the road to keep them from testifying was not exactly surprising. There was small satisfaction when it turned out the driver was willing to turn informant and seal the fate of the man who hired them, but even that was tempered by the realization it meant he wouldn't face an appropriate punishment for what he had done. Travis assured them that he wasn't getting immunity, but that didn't really help matters. The only positive any of them could take from it was that their testimony was no longer needed, and they wouldn't have to fight of the desire to kill anyone in court.
It was about 18 hours later when Ezra opened his eyes. Josiah let out a loud Amen, and quickly opened the door to his room. "Anybody else want to talk to him?" Buck and Chris grabbed onto Vin and virtually carried him into the room.
"Good to see you again Ezra." "Took your sweet time waking up Standish." "Glad you kept your promise Hoss." Ezra was overwhelmed by the confusion of movement and noise. Nathan was the first to notice and quickly silenced the others. JD took the cue and darted out of the room to find a nurse or doctor.
Chris took the conversational lead. "Don't doubt that you are a bit confused Ezra. You're in the hospital. Had us all mighty worried for a while, but you're gonna be OK."
Ezra gratefully crunched on a few ice chips Josiah provided to him while he tried to focus his jumbled memories. "Accident. The car. There was a cliff? Was anyone hurt?"
"Nothing to serious Ezra. Nothing for you to worry about now."
"Vin was there. And Buck. Are they alright?"
"We're just fine Ezra. I'm betting we'll have to remind you of that a few more times till you really wake up." The relief in Buck's voice reflected the feeling of everyone in the room.
"Chris? Am I alright?"
He hesitated, not wanting to overwhelm Ezra with information, but not willing to lie to him either. He looked to Nathan for a bit of guidance, but got only a small shrug.
"You were hurt Ezra. But you're alive, and you are going to stay that way. That's all that matters."
The brief hesitation, and the noncommittal answer gave Ezra all the information he really needed. "Then there is something wrong." His voice had just a hint of panic to it. "There is something wrong with my leg. I can't feel it Chris. It was hurt. Cut. I can't feel it. I can't feel it at all!" The panic was increasing with each word, and the heart monitor reflected the stress.
"Ezra, calm down. Damnit Standish, listen to me." Chris moved in a close as the wires and tubes would allow. "Yes, you are hurt, but you are going to be alright. Your leg was cut bad, and they've got it numbed for you, so you don't feel it. It's going to be OK Ezra. You are going to be OK. You understand me?"
Ezra looked up at the man yelling at him, confusion still fogging his mind. Chris wouldn't lie to him. He couldn't. It was simply against his nature. Whatever Ezra was feeling right now, or more accurately, not feeling, clearly wasn't as bad as he feared. He nodded slightly, his breathing slowing down, with pulse rate following that lead.
"OK, that's better. You need to get a lot more rest Ezra, so I want you to just lie there and relax. Don't think about anything, understand?" Another feeble nod came, as the exhaustion brought on by the panic attack allowed him to drift off.
Chris ran his hand over his face, trying to bring his own heart rate back under control. He turned back to the others, waiting for the blast he was going to get.
"Nice work Chris. Thought he was going to have a stroke right in front of us."
"I lied to him Nathan. All the times I threatened to skin him alive if he was lying, and I turn around and hand him a shovel full of unmitigated bullshit."
"You told him what he needed to hear. That's no sin." Josiah assured him.
"Is in my book."
"Then get a new book. Ezra will have lots of time to deal with the truth, whatever that turns out to be, later on. Right now, he needs exactly what you gave him."
"A load of crap?"
Vin shook his head. "The support of a friend. And hope. Those two things go a long way in the healing process."
7-7-7-7-7-7-7
Chris was at Ezra's side when the man woke up again a few hours later. He'd drifted in and out of awareness several times, but never had the energy or desire to reach the state of awareness where he would have to acknowledge the others in the room. He'd had far too many things he needed to mull over in his mind before he was ready to be engaging in any conversations.
"You're looking better every time you open your eyes."
"And you are looking worse. I believe I should suggest you get some rest as well."
"I'm just sitting here. Nothing much more restful than that."
Ezra shook his head slightly, regretting the action almost immediately. "I would dare to hazard a guess that you are still here because you wish to speak with me. Most likely to find a way to apologize for the lie you told earlier in your ongoing effort to keep me alive?"
There had been several times since Ezra had joined the team that Chris would have been willing to be the man possessed some kind of psychic gift. This was only reinforcing that view.
"Ezra, you know I would never lie to you if there was any choice in the matter. I just didn't see a way-"
"Please, stop. As I said, I have no doubt as to your motivation. I was clearly distraught, no doubt aggravated by medications and my natural proclivity to expect the worst. My only question now is how much of a lie did you tell?" His calm voice and half smile were perfectly in keeping with his years of experience at hiding his feelings. But his eyes couldn't help but show the deep fear he had in anticipation of the response.
"You still have your leg Ezra." Chris paused at the sharp gasp of relief that came from the bed. He wished with all he had that he could simply stop speaking. "But that may not last. It isn't healing the way they want, and the doctor is talking about operating. They've got an expert who thinks maybe they can still save it, but they haven't been able to try yet."
"For God's sake, why not?"
"You've been too weak Ezra. Fever, blood loss. We damn near lost you. If they'd tried anything before you're ready, it could have killed you."
"And the problem with that?"
"Knock it off Standish. I'm not even gonna dignify that comment."
"Really Chris, what possible difference could the outcome make? What loss would there be?"
"You really think losing your leg is just like losing your life?"
"No. Of the two, I would far prefer the latter."
He had half expected this to be Ezra's attitude, but that didn't stop his own anger. Chris glared, unable to find the words he needed. Ezra turned away from the stare, and found his head being forcefully turned back.
"You don't say crap like that and expect me to just accept it, do you?"
"I know what you are going to say Chris. I can well imagine the pep talk you have prepared."
"No, I haven't prepared anything. Didn't think you'd be stupid enough to need one. You ain't some naïve kid Ezra. You've had a crappy hand from the get go, and you still managed to win with it more often than not. You had more shit dumped on you when you were a teenager than most folk deal with in a lifetime. And things didn't get a hell of a lot better for you when you grew up. But if you don't get that all that has changed now, that you have something to live for, and friends who give a damn about you, then maybe you're right. Maybe you should just give up."
Ezra stared up at him for several seconds, neither man blinking. Chris almost fell over when Ezra started to laugh.
"Seriously? You didn't prepare that? You clearly are a much better motivational speaker than I ever imagined. Not exactly reverse psychology, but a fascinating variation."
Chris let go of Ezra's face and started to laugh a bit himself. "Well, I have figured out that the obvious approach will never work with you." He took a deep breath. "I meant it though Ezra. You got more reasons to fight than you do to quit."
Ezra's smile faded. "Do you really think there will be much demand for a one-legged ATF agent?"
"Don't know," he answered honestly, "But I don't have any other one-legged friends, so you've got that spot guaranteed."
7-7-7-7-7-7-7
Ezra allowed himself a soft sigh when Chris left. He'd almost exhausted himself keeping up appearances, hoping Chris would attribute the fatigue to his injuries, which, of course, he did. Not that there wasn't validity to the idea. He was drained. He couldn't remember a time he'd felt quite so battered, physically and emotionally. But then again, he was feeling so addled right now there were a lot of things he couldn't remember.
He did know for a certainty that he was still cold. They kept assuring him his body temperature had returned to normal, but you couldn't confirm that by asking him. He still shivered, still felt the chill right to his bones. He couldn't quite accept that he was ever going to feel warm again. In fact, he admitted to himself, he wasn't entirely sure he was going to feel anything again. He was unaware of any sensations from his leg. As much as he wanted to believe Chris' assurances that it was the medication blocking the feelings, he was unable to convince himself that was true.
He looked down at his leg, glaring spitefully at the limb. He wouldn't have thought it possible to hate a part of his own body that much. But right now, it offended him. It's betrayal, it's weakness, angered him. He knew it made no sense to feel that way, but he couldn't seem to control it. Or control the conflicts that it triggered within.
Again, all logic, all common sense told him that whatever happened, he would get through this. The six men waiting outside for him simply would not allow any other outcome. But his instincts, his history, his gut, all told him this was going to end badly. He would be "that guy". The one that allowances had to be made for. The one that plans were changed for. The one that would be kept on the job, as they found something – anything – that he could still do to create the illusion of value.
But he could learn to live with that. He'd learned to live with much worse in the past. It was what his presence would do to the others, and especially to Vin, Chris and Buck that he simply could not accept. He knew those men, the unjustified guilt they would feel. The self-recriminations that would follow them. And everyday, he would be an unescapable reminder.
He would not let that happen. He could not do that to them, to the team. There had to be a way out. Perhaps when his mind was clear of these drugs, these sedatives, he would be able to sort it out. There were always options. Disappearing wouldn't be easy, but it could be done. If all else failed, he could turn to Maude for help. She was somewhat of an expert at vanishing when the need was there.
He smiled slightly to himself. Yes, the medication was definitely affecting his cognitive process. No way he would consider asking Maude for help his he had been thinking clearly.
"Good to see you smiling Ezra." He all but jumped out of bed at the sound of JD's voice. He hadn't heard the young man enter the room, let alone pull up a seat beside the bed. "Sorry Ezra. Didn't mean to startle you."
"Quite alright Mr. Dunne – sorry. JD. I was lost in thought."
"I get that. You've got a lot on your mind. You should be trying to rest though."
"As you said – a lot on my mind."
JD didn't care for the far away look that came to Ezra's face. He wasn't used to seeing Ezra anything other than confident and self-assured. That didn't come close to describing the man he was looking at now. "You shouldn't be worrying about anything. Nathan says these guys are the best doctors around, and everything is going to be just fine."
"There is a reason you are much more valuable to us behind the scenes than you could ever be as an undercover operative JD. You are, to your credit, an abysmal liar."
JD gulped nervously. Ezra was right. He couldn't lie worth a damn, not even when it was this important. "Well, they are the best Ezra. Ain't lying about that."
"I know. And I know and appreciate the purity of your motives." JD sat quietly, just watching as Ezra closed his eyes and appeared to drift off to sleep. He was almost wishing he hadn't come in. Hadn't tried to be the one to bolster Ezra's spirits. Obviously, he wasn't doing a very good job.
"If I were to ask you for a favour JD, and ask you not to share the request with the others, would you be able to do so?" Ezra didn't open his eyes, unable to look at his friend, knowing what he was considering proposing.
"As much as I'd like to say yes, I'm betting that any favour you have to set up like that is one I'm not going to like."
"You are wise beyond your years."
"What is it you want Ezra?"
"It doesn't matter JD. I was simply proposing a hypothetical situation." Ezra dearly wished he had kept his mouth shut. Once again, he could only blame his altered level of awareness for allowing him to be so sloppy with his words and deeds.
"Ezra, I don't know what you're thinking about, but I don't think I like it. You told Chris that you were OK about all of this."
"Well JD, unlike you, I am a good liar. A consummate liar."
"Not as good as you think Ezra." Damn. He hadn't heard Chris come back either. He reluctantly opened his eyes, not surprised at this point to realize there was a roomful of less than happy agents staring at him.
"Well, the gang's all here."
"What do you want JD to help you with?" Buck questioned.
"It is of no real importance."
"I doubt that."
Ezra forced himself to look a Josiah, putting on his most neutral and dispassionate faces. "Your desire to believe me or not is your choice, as always."
"You planning on running out on us Ezra?" Chris asked quietly, controlling himself as much as possible.
"Ah, there is the rub. I doubt I will be running anywhere. And please, spare me the banalities and clichés. Things will not be fine, they will not be normal, and they most assuredly will not be acceptable."
"So, you wanted me to do what Ezra? Help you disappear? Help you hide?"
"No JD. I wanted you to help me die."
M7-M7-M7-M7-M7-M7-M7
TBC