A/N Well, friends, the Cheerful Chelsies write again! Chelsie Dagger and I have cooperated on another installment of Brown Chicken, Brown Cow. It's even crackier than the last one. Unfortunately for all our Chelsie buddies out there, this one has no Chelsie. We decided to visit Mary, Blake, and Gillingham at the pig sty. While we had a lot of fun with this, we do miss our Chelsie.
Please leave us a review. Chelsie Dagger has been kind enough to allow me to post it here, but if you enjoy it, send her a nice PM.
Brown Chicken, Brown Cow Part Deux: A Cock and Bull Story
COCK: Welcome to a special, investigative edition of Brown Chicken, Brown Cow where we delve into the near tragic events of last spring where dehydration threatened to decimate the then newest additions to our Downton community.
I am Black Cock and I am sitting in for Brown Chicken, who is off on Easter assignment, laying a particularly painful egg, which is somehow my fault. With me this week is the Yin to my Yang; the Yolk to my Albumen; Black Bull. Welcome, Bull!
BULL: Thank you, Cock! I'm happy to be here. Yes, I am Black Bull, covering for the missus, Brown Cow, who is also busy on Easter assignment, producing extra milk for all that creamy chocolate. We are here at the pig sty to interview our newest neighbors and find out exactly what happened here last spring. It's our speculation that, as usual, humans, were at fault for the near-devastation. I have here with me Black Boar, who was present during those tense hours. Boar, can you shed some light and give us your version of events?
BOAR: Pleased to do so, Bull. I suppose we have to go back a ways. A quick word about our breed. The Tamworth pigs have a proud history in England and in Europe as bacon pigs. Our breed has never been tainted by non-European stock. We are proud of our Irish blood as well as our English. Most of our ilk are red-haired, so I'm a bit of an anomaly, being black.
When our herd arrived last spring, we were not received very graciously. We were set up with a very flimsy watering trough and then left to our own devices. After such a long trip, there was bound to be some pushing and shoving and testing of our new environs. There are many accounts of what happened next, but the long and short of it is, the trough was over turned. I did not see the event myself. If I may, I'd like to introduce Red Sow-ly, who was a sty-witness.
SOW-LY: Yes, that is exactly what happened. We were given an inferior water trough, one far too top-heavy, and our piglets, excited to be in a new place, got rowdy and upturned the trough. The pig man left us for days before anyone came to check on us, and by the time someone arrived, it was nearly too late. Some of us were in a right state.
The two who showed up were quite a pair, I tell you, all dressed in their finery, and having no porcine knowledge whatsoever. They managed to get us some water, and there were no casualties, but I daresay they were more interested in wrestling with each other in the mud than saving our bacon.
BOAR: Yes, I can concur with Sow-ly's assessment of our saviors. When I saw the female, I'll admit that my first instinct was that she was about as useful as teats on a boar hog, but I was proven wrong. The male seemed to lead their initiative to water us, but she held her own, even throwing a shoe at one point.
Their celebratory mudslinging was a little much though. He threw mud at her, which was very ungentlemanly, and she wiped some mud on his face. I wanted to remind them both that the mud they were enjoying so much was more shit than dirt, but they did not seem to care.
COCK: That is all very interesting, you gigantic Boar, you, but I'm afraid that I have to break in here with a word from our sponsors...
HENNY: This is Henny Penny, here, and with me is my good friend Wooly Bully. We're here to remind you to "Fork York Pork."
WOOLY: Right you are, Henny. As spokesmen for the Pork Council of the Greater York Area, we've been asked to point out that pork is far healthier and more versatile than beef ...
HENNY: And it's much tastier than chicken! So, come on. Be a good egg and have some ham!
WOOLY: Work your fork and eat York pork! Pork: the other white meat!
BOAR: Now why do they have to play that ad during our show? Couldn't they save it for next hour, during "Helpful Hunting Hints with Henry"?
COCK: Nevermind, we'll edit that out in production.
BULL: This is a live remote, Cock.
COCK: Yes, well, what's done is done, don't be a stick in the mud, Boar. You were just bragging about being bacon pigs. Be proud. That's life around here; sometimes you eat and sometimes you get eaten. In an unrelated note to production, maybe we should drop the 'Pork and Beans' spot we have scheduled for later.
BULL: Good thinking, Cock.
BOAR: *Sigh* I suppose we pigs should be used to it. We don't really have any secondary products like eggs or milk. They feed us until we are fat enough to kill. The only reprieve is for the stock sows. But we refuse to wallow in our misery. Perhaps this cycle of life is what has made us such philosophical creatures. In fact, I've written some porketry on the subject.
'Pork, Chop; porkchop.
Am I only bacon to you?
Chop, Pork; porkchop.
Something for your Barbeque?
Pork, Chop; porkchop.
The so called OTHER meat.
Chop, Pork; porkchop.
People even eat our feet.
Pork, Chop...
BOAR: Yes, that's fascinating, Boar, but, thank God, there's a new development. It looks like we are being treated to a visit from some humans.
SOW-LY: Speak of the Devils! Would you look at that?! It's the same two as last time, Mr. Prick-in-the-Mud and Miss Hotter-Daughter-who-Brought-the-Water! I wonder if we'll be treated to the kind of mud-slinging display we witnessed when last they visited. I must say, they're at least more appropriately attired this time. It looks like they've been hunting or some such. Boar, what do you suppose they're up to?
BOAR: I'm not sure, Red, but they seem awfully friendly. She's smiling at him and taking his hand, leading him inside the stalls, here. I don't understand these humans at all. I thought it was the male who usually initiates these types of encounters, strutting and dancing around and showing off. But she is definitely coming onto him, Red. Why don't you ever flirt with me like that?
SOW-LY: Cheeky! I'll have your rump roast for dinner if you don't behave yourself.
COCK: Hotter-Daughter is certainly hot to trot, it would appear. She's pushed him onto the bench in the barn, but she is not joining him. She seems to be doing something at the water pump. Bull, can you see better? I'm rather shortsighted.
BULL: You're not short-sighted at all, my friend. Don't sell yourself short; it's only that your view is obscured. Speaking of "short," this particular human does seem to be lacking in height, compared with other males of his species. But more on that later. Back to the action.
Hotter-Daughter seems to be filling a bucket at the water pump, and as she's pumping, Mr. Prick seems to be enjoying the view. Now she's found a clean rag, which she appears to be dipping in the bucket. She's approaching him, and is reaching out with the wet rag. She's rubbing it over his face and neck. It's such a warm day; I think she must be trying to cool him. He must be very warm, because he's removing the clothing from his upper body and allowing her to swab his chest and back.
This is most unusual. What do you suppose it means, Cock?
COCK: Now that I've hopped up onto the fence, I can see much better, thank you, Bull. Hmmm. I've never witnessed this ritual before in humans. I know some mammals do wash each other in social settings, particularly dogs and cats, but they use their tongues. Ah, I see she has now moved on to using her tongue. Now, she is backing away from him and she is also removing her own clothing now, but when he reaches out for her, she slaps his hand.
She only has a white button up top on now, which she has drenched, after hump/pumping more water. This seems to have made the material transparent. I believe he has called her a minx. The strange dwarf man is removing his shoes and is moving towards her. Without his shoes, he is even shorter! Will this affect her attraction to him?
Sow-ly, how does this compare to their earlier interaction that you witnessed?
SOW-LY: Oh, this is far more intimate. Last time, the only clothing removed was his jacket, and they merely slung some mud at each other. There was very little physical contact. But now, our subjects are nearly naked, and Hotter-Daughter seems to be touching Mr. Prick a great deal. She seems only to be teasing him, though, for she won't let him touch her; every time he tries, she laughs and dances away. He looks to be quite agitated now, and he's removing his trousers and undergarments. I'm not sure if this move is meant impress her, but she seems rather unaffected.
BULL: I think maybe it's time to get some insight from our human relations expert, Yellow Dog. Yellow Dog has lived among the humans for years and is well-versed in their interactions. Isis, can you tell us what we're seeing here?
DOG: Well, I will say this: I am familiar with this particular behavior and this particular subject. She is merely "leading him on." I don't believe she has any intention of letting him have what he so obviously wants. This woman is cold and cruel. I may be a bitch, but what this chick needs is nine inches of angry -
COCK: Cock-a-doodle-doo!
DOG: Yes, Big Guy. Thank you for that!
COCK: Well, if that's her requirements, it's no wonder she looks so disappointed. If that's the worm that's waiting for the early bird, I'll sleep in a few hours, thank you very much. This guy is a Cock-a-diddle-don't! Not that I can judge, considering I only have testes. I really wish Brown Horse were on this assignment, after all, he is hung like himself.
Bull, you're much better qualified than I to comment.
BULL: I may be better-qualified, but you speak the truth, Cock, and I must agree with you. I'm as underwhelmed as Hotter-Daughter by his shortcomings. But Boar, what have you to say on the matter?
BOAR: I don't know how he expects to pork her with THAT! His sausage is a little underdone. That's no wiener. What this man's got is canned spam!
SOW-LY: It's not always about size. Sometimes it's more about making a sow feel wanted and sensual than just a roll in the mud with a giant banger. To feel his hands on your teats as he pulls you closer...
BOAR: Wait! Hands? What exactly are you saying Sow-ly? You've been letting this human hump your ham hocks?
SOW-LY: Yes. I love the way he makes me squeal. You can't judge me. Cast me out, ostracize me, do you wurst. I don't care. We're in love. He was only trying to seduce her to save me.
COCK: I'm not sure what seduction you're watching, pig, but he's the naked one and she's just laughing.
BULL: Oh, good gravy! From the ridiculous to the sublime! To save you from what, Sow-ly?
SOW-LY: To save me from being ruined! If word got out about us, my name would be mud. She found out. She was going to go to the papers - that dreadful Carlisle fellow. But he tried to win her over - for my sake. He loves me! He loves me so much he's willing to pork another to preserve my honor!
BOAR: Is that what he told you? You gullible piglet. He's just playing with his food. He brought her here to taunt you, to rub your snout in his relationship with her.
DOG: I'm sorry, Sow-ly, but I think Boar is correct. This Prick has been following Hotter-Daughter around for almost as long as he's been porking you. I'm sure if he could get her to root out his truffles, he'd have no use for you.
SOW-LY: NO! You're all just jealous because I'm not content to just be someone's breakfast! I want to be his lunch and his dinner too.
COCK: Well, you will probably get your wish. He'll certainly need some consolation tonight. Let's take a quick break and then we will be back with what I promise is a very exciting development...
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And now, a very special guest appearance by none other than friend of the program, Brown Horse, himself! I see you're working your other job right now, BroHo.
HORSE: Yes, well, ever since me ol' Pap bought the farm, things have been rough. I've had to take work wherever I can find it. So here I am, saddled up, carrying this human's sorry arse wherever he wants to go.
BULL: Folks, BroHo has brought another human into the mix here. I believe this one goes by the name of Bony Killing-Ham. He's now dismounting and walking over to our couple. They're as yet unaware of his presence, but I'm willing to bet that when they do notice him, the manure is going to impact the rotary blades!
COCK: You are correct, Bull, they have not seen him yet. He seems to be taking the measure of the situation. Speaking of measure, Yellow Dog, I think we may be about to witness that rarely documented human interaction of a dick measuring contest. This Bony fellow is removing his coat and has thrown it over the top of the fence. He is reaching for his belt.
They've seen him now! He is laughing along with the Hotter-Daughter and approaching her very possessively. Yellow Dog, can you tell us more about the ritual we may be about to observe?
DOG: Yes, Cock. As with many other species, human males feel the need to assert their dominance in the herd. They put themselves on display for the females, so that the ladies can see how they measure up. It seems that we are witnessing just that. These two have been vying for the affections of this particular female for some time, ever since her mate died.
And so now the newcomer has divested himself of most of his clothing, revealing his assets, and Hotter-Daughter must choose between Lord Bony Dick and Mr. Prick-in-the-Mud, having seen them both in all their glory - or lack thereof. I will say, though, that the lady in question will not be easily impressed. I've slept in her bedroom, and her late mate kept her very well satisfied. I'm not sure how this is going to play out. We'll just have to observe. BroHo, did Lord Bony Dick give any indication of his purpose in coming today?
HORSE: Not really, Yellow Dog, but then I find humans so hard to read. Bony Dick does have lovely, almost equine teeth, but I find him as hard to fathom as any of them. However, when we first left the paddock a little while ago, he did address me directly, which is something I find equal parts beguiling and annoying.
BULL: And what did he say?
HORSE: He said, 'With any luck, you won't be the only thing I'm riding today, ol' boy.' For the record, I'm not really that old, but it's a term of endearment that humans seem to like to use.
DOG: Yes, so I've noticed, but I'm called ol' girl. May I say, I am not very fond of that.
Bull: Hotter-Daughter is now comparing directly the Bony Dick with the Prick-in-the-Mud. She's not only observing them, but she's beginning a manual inspection, as well. She's first going to Bony Dick, whom I must say is better endowed than the other fellow, but still pales by bovine or equine standards. Wouldn't you agree, Horse?
HORSE: Indeed. Well said, my friend. He could hardly stand up to the comparison. I will observe, however, than under Hotter-Daughter's attentions, he's standing up quite nicely, and his dimensions are increasing. Prick-in-the-Mud seems angry, jealous, and impatient, and he's advancing on the couple.
SOW-LY: No! Don't do it, my Darling! I thought you loved me. Pay them no mind! Let him have her. I'm all you'll ever need!
BOAR: For the love of mud, stop embarrassing yourself, Sow-ly. It's best to let the humans stay with their own kind. If you find yourself a nice, young boar hog, you might get pregnant. That will buy you at least another year of life. Isn't that worth it?
SOW-LY: I'm not that kind of gal any more, Boar. Now that I've known the delights he can bring me, I can never settle for a quiet, boar-ing life in the pen. I'm coming, my big, sexy beast.
BOAR: No, Sow-ly! Don't!
BULL: Well, folks, things just got interesting. Red Sow-ly has charged on the humans, and has sent them all sprawling in the mud. Now, it's just a tangle of limbs and one angry pig. Cock, it's hard for me to tell from here what's going on, what with all the mud. From your vantage point on the fence post, can you see how events are unfolding?
COCK: I can only think of two words describe what I am seeing right now; Shit and Storm. The Hotter-Daughter was knocked into the pump handle and grabbed it for balance. The pump has turned on and water is spilling out onto the barn floor. The floor is quickly turning to mud. That is bad news for the humans who are all slipping and grabbing hold of each other randomly. Sow-ly is much more at home in the mud than any of them and you said it correctly, Bull; that is one angry pig.
One of the male humans, I think it's Prick-in-the-Mud, is trying to subdue Sow-ly. Or is he trying to...? Yes, he may be trying to mount her from behind, but she is too angry to be the submissive, I think. Indeed, she's turned on him and is going after his testes sacks like a pig after acorns. He does not seem to be resisting her any longer. He's writhing and calling out, "I'm your pig man!"
The other two humans have fallen in a muddy heap beside each other, just under the water pump. Just as the water washes them clean, they roll over into more mud. I cannot tell what they are trying to accomplish, but it seems Hotter-Daughter is trying to measure his manhood by her own standards. He has torn of all of her clothes, so now she is only wearing her boots.
Yellow Dog, BroHo, can either of you offer another perspective?
DOG: Yellow Dog, here: I can't speak very much as to the exchange going on between Sow-ly and Pig-man, except to say that it would seem that they are makin' bacon. My area is of observation is human-human interactions, and I can predict that what's going on between Hotter-Daughter and Killing-Ham is going to end badly for the Bony one. He is desperately grasping at her, yet her naked, wet body keeps slipping from his grasp. She seems to have lost interest and is now summoning BroHo.
HORSE: Yes, My Lady! Whoa-ho! Gotta go!
DOG: Wearing only her boots and abandoning the rest of her clothing, Hotter-Daughter is mounting BroHo. She's riding away, nude, hair flowing behind her, leaving Bony writhing in the mud. But no! Now Bony is moving towards Sow-ly and Prick. He's pulling Prick off of Sow-ly and punching him in the nose. He's now tossed him aside into a mud puddle and is trying to endear himself to Sow-ly. Sow-ly seems to welcome his advances.
SOW-LY: Ooh, give it to me, Big Boy! Oh, my achin' bacon! You've got me shakin' and quakin'! You've shown me Hog Heaven! After this, I'll never be boar-ed again.
BOAR: I don't like this. I'm not comfortable with this at all. It goes against the nature of things. I'm madder than a pig in a poke. As a matter of fact, I have a few choice words for Prick-in-the-Mud:
Buddy, you're a short man, small man.
Lovin' on the sly, porkin' in the sty, makin' Sow-ly cry.
You got mud on your face; you can't keep pace.
Give it all up 'cause Bony's the ace.
He will, he will cock you, cock you.
We will, we will mock you, mock you.
COCK: That Hotter-Daughter sure knows how to ride. She could lead any horse to water, but she wouldn't let him drink. I have to say, in all my years observing humans in their primitive social interactions, this one has me baffled. There simply are not words.
BULL: I concur, Cock.
COCK: While we are waiting for Lord Bony to finish Killing that Ham, I've got a question for you, Bull.
BULL: Shoot, Cock.
COCK: When you were a young calf and were hungry, what did you do to your mother's udders?
BULL: That's easy. I sucked, Cock. Oh, I get it. MooooHaaaaHaaa! Good one. But wait, it looks like Farmer Drew is coming to check on the herd.
BOAR: Now there is a pig man. We all like Farmer Drew very much. I have observed that he is so well respected among the humans that people just give him their offspring.
BULL: He does not look pleased with what he is seeing. I do not think this will end well for Sow-ly.
BOAR: I would not be surprised if she wins the next 'Lottery'.
BULL: I do think this party is about to break up, barnyard friends. It looks like Farmer Drew is carrying a hunting rifle. He looks very unhappy. He's fired a few shots into the air, and the two men are taking flight. Not stopping to gather their clothes, they're running buck naked into the woods.
BOAR: Now Farmer Drew is taking Sow-ly and isolating her in a stall all her own. I expected him to be angry, but remarkably, he's being very gentle and even sympathetic.
COCK: It would seem that Farmer Drew is not holding Sow-ly responsible for the actions of the two male humans. He's just given her some feed and more water. That is very kind of him, but I must think, perhaps it is a good thing he does not know what we know.
BOAR: She's going to have a hard time reintegrating into the herd, but we will support her as best we can. Tamworths look out for Tamworths. Like we say, if you're not Worth a Tam, you're not Worth a Damn.
BULL: I think this is a good place to leave our broadcast. This has been an exciting and eventful day. I hope it has taught us all that love can truly be blind.
COCK: And sometimes, I wish I were. Brown Chicken, Brown Cow will be back with you next week, but thank you for joining us this week for some Cock and Bull. In the meantime, be eggcellent to one another.