AN: Thanks to everyone who has read, reviewed, commented.
I haven't seen any of season ( its not on yet in the UK) and I'm not reading about it either but I do know that Hetty has 'retired' yet again.
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Chapter 2 – Being (not doing) with Love
Somewhere that's home, LA
Sunday 3rd September 2017
Kensi leans against the open patio doorframe, resting her head as she folds her arms across her chest and observes her boyfriend - no fiancée. Naming the latest change in their relationship status is not quite as difficult as she'd found the earlier ones from partner to best friend to boyfriend but it still takes some getting used to no matter how welcome (or overdue the Deeks voice in her head adds wryly) the change.
He's stretched out in the hammock slung between the two trees in their small back yard; his ankles casually crossed, feet bare, one arm tucked behind his head the other slung across his torso. An open bottle of beer stands off to his left on the grass. To anyone else he'd look like he hadn't a care in the world, just a man whiling away the hours on a sunny Sunday afternoon. Kensi knows better, she can see the tension held in his body, that the beer is untouched, that his eyes are not closed but hooded and staring off unseeing into the distance.
In truth she'd been keeping a careful but discreet watch on him for the last few weeks, ever since the celebratory dinner with "the moms" after he'd finally proposed - well had given her her ring any ways. They'd both been melancholy after Michelle's death, feeling deeply Sam and his family's loss but they had also been joyful at their own decision to seize the day and get married.
Deeks had been initially euphoric regaling anyone who'd listen with his tale of her turning him down three times before one upping him by proposing to him. She had of course countered with the fact that her proposal was actually the only one that mattered given a) the question actually got asked b) both parties were conscious and c) the one being asked had said yes and he'd simply responded by smiling his heart stopping and eye twinkly smile.
But as their summer break went on, she'd increasingly frequently come across him as he was now; like he was 'paused' and waiting for play to be pressed.
She reflects back on the conversation they'd had a few days after he'd killed Ferris and rescued her. She'd asked him how he'd really got Whiting to let him out. Something just hadn't tracked with her in the version he'd shared at the de-brief, but in the immediate aftermath of her ordeal and rescue she'd ignored it. Whilst she was certain that Whiting was human enough to be moved by a sob story, she was less convinced that she could be persuaded to take a risk like letting a suspect out of custody even under her personal supervision.
When he'd told her about the deal he'd made - 'help me find her and I'll tell you what you want to hear'. She'd already known deep in her heart the way the story ended and her mind had been silently screaming 'no, no, no' even as Deeks had described how he'd held his hands to Whitings neck wound, described the way his hands had been slick with her warm blood as he'd worked to stem the flow. He'd told her that when he felt her slipping, he'd fulfilled his promise, as it was the only thing he could do to keep her fighting to stay conscious, fighting for her life... for her daughter.
Taking stock of her building emotions at the jeopardy he faced, she noted that whilst the irrational flare of anger deep in her core that he'd told Whiting his secret so easily when he'd waited so long to tell her was still there, it had lessened. She silently repeated her mantra to push it completely away 'He was protecting me and us, he thought she was going to die, he made a promise and he's an honourable man, I already knew, he did it to save me'.
She knew that much of his recent mood and behaviour stemmed from his confession to Whiting and his conflicted emotions about it. His later realisation that Whiting not only remembered the confession but also intended to use it against him (and by extension her) had triggered a severe bout of guilt and self-recrimination. Those things they had briefly talked about and parked for later prior to the horror of Michelle's death.
She'd been patient, waiting for him to talk, comfortable in the knowledge that their communication skills had been steadily improving through practice and bolstered by their commitment to have no more secrets. Their confidence and trust in each other had deepened as they realised that they didn't have to edit out the less than perfect parts of themselves and their histories to continue to be loved by the other. She knew they both still struggled with feeling that they deserved that unconditional love and support from the other - Deeks more so than her.
This morning he'd been up at his normal surfing hour but when he returned home with breakfast burritos and coffee and kissed her awake, he didn't smell quite enough of the ocean. She let his white lie slide when he'd said the waves were too quiet. He didn't need to know that she'd sleepily checked the wave report when she'd felt him leave the bed that morning, grateful for the good forecast and hoping that some quality time with the ocean would help break him out of his current funk.
Being not doing, Sam had told her months ago and it had been her modus operandi so far but now its time to push she decides.
She straightens herself up and moves quickly to the fridge, hooking her fingers round two new beers and makes her way outside.
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"Hey" she greets, stopping directly in front of him interrupting his view of whatever it was that he'd been studying and throwing him into shade at the same time.
"Hey you" his voice slightly husky with lack of use.
"Whatcha doin'?"
"Just hanging round" he smirks and automatically her lips follow in response and her heart jolts. "Join me?" He shifts carefully in the brightly coloured hammock and pats the space next to him.
Handing over the beers she climbs aboard, settling into his side with her head on his chest. She takes back one of the two beers from his hand and has a swig as he snakes his free arm around her shoulder to hold her close. She hhmmm's her appreciation of the quiet moment of affection between them.
"Thank you" Deeks murmurs, softly kissing her hair,
"For what?" Though she's pretty sure she knows. She isn't the naturally patient one of the two as had been proven many times over their years together.
"You know for what ... for giving me time to get my thoughts in order." Letting out a short, breathy laugh, he continues in a lighter tone "You're not as stealthy as you think you are Agent Blye, particularly not when you are on Deeks-watch."
"I'm getting better but you don't make it easy you know" she says in a half teasing tone
"That you are, Daniel-San, that you are...I know and I'm sorry".
"Are they in order now?" She briefly pauses, dropping a soft answering kiss to his t-shirted chest before pressing on "Enough to share?"
"I've been thinking a lot about Sam and Michelle..." His voice hitches "….and her death, her murder..."
Hearing his distress, her thumb starts to rub small circles on his side, a small gesture of comfort for them both.
"I know our jobs are dangerous, that we put ourselves at risk everyday and we work hard for each other and as a team to make sure we all come home safe at the end of every mission..."
Again his voice hitches and she places a small kiss of comfort to his chest 'I'm here, we're safe, were together' it says.
"…. It's not even the fact that Michelle wasn't an active agent when she was targeted - Khaled just wanted to make Sam pay - in a way I'm reconciled to the fact that when we stop doing what we do the risks lessen but they don't go away. I know that we've agreed we're not ready yet to start a family..."
"Has it changed your mind? Do you still want to eventually?" She mentally kicks herself for interrupting his flow but she can't stop herself, part of her own realisation in the aftermath of Michelle's death and Khaled's end was not only that she didn't want to wait any longer to be Kensi Deeks but that she does want a family with him and she might not want that to be as far away in the future as she'd thought she did when they'd last discussed it (on a stakeout where else?)
"No I still want little ninjas with you. I'm still nervous about whether I'll be a good dad, I'm not quite there yet but I haven't gone backwards" he gently squeezes her shoulder in re-assurance.
She lets out a long sigh of relief. It's not lost on Deeks that things seem to have shifted in Kensi's mind on this topic but he decides to stick a pin in it for another day. He doesn't want to get side tracked or put off sharing what's been troubling him with her. She deserves to know.
His gaze catches on her engagement ring glinting in the late afternoon sunlight as she holds her beer against his hip, taking another small gulp of beer he presses on. "Working to save Michelle, I realised something had changed between us... initially I thought it was because of the whole proposal/non engagement/engagement scenario" he can feel her eye roll at his words "but then it hit me it was the fact that you were my fiancée, my love, the other half of me first and work partner second and started me thinking about what that meant."
"Do you want us to stop being partners?" She whispers
"No babe... but I can see a time coming where my answer to that question might be yes"
"When we have kids..."
"Maybe when we have kids" he agrees. "What I realised is that it's not just about having a life with you but that I'm not prepared to damage us, our present, or our future family for the job, no matter how temporary the damage."
Kensi takes a minute to absorb what he's saying, her mind automatically going back to those times when the job - no mainly Hetty, had forced then to keep things from each other and the hurt that had been caused to them both. Searching her own feelings, she recognises the same shift in her own thinking. She no longer prioritises safeguarding their partnership or career at the expense of their relationship. Delving further she realises that the shift had started to happen around the time they'd not just stopped their don't ask/don't tell approach to their relationship in work but had actually become overt about it.
Unsure what her silence means, or perhaps just needing to clarify what he saying he continues "If I had to choose between having you at home or having you at work - it would be home every time."
"Me too Marty, me too". She welcomes the feel of the tension in his body lessening and snuggles in closer to his side.
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Seconds become minutes as they lie quietly enjoying simply being together in the afternoon sun before Kensi's soft voice pipes up again. "Is that all that you've got going on in that head of yours?"
"Mmmm ... no flies on you Wonder Woman" he responds. He's 50:50 on whether he's happy that she's pressed on. Deciding just to treat it like ripping off a band-aid, he takes a deep breath and says quickly "I didn't go surfing this morning, though I think you already know that. I met with Whiting"
"Why?"
"'Cause she asked." he playfully replies.
"Deeks" she huffs out, a clear warning in her tone.
"OK, OK, she wants my help" his tone now far more conciliatory.
"You mean she following through on her blackmail threat like the evil opportunistic witch that she is."
He snorts whilst giving her a quick squeeze of appreciation for her bad-ass support but when he speaks his tone is serious "Kens...I'm in this situation because I made a choice. I did something bad and bad things no matter why they were done, have consequences. Whiting is a good cop, yes she is taking advantage but that's no different than what we do with suspects and persons of interest in almost every case. I don't like it but sauce for the goose and all that".
There it is - his straight and true morality and unflappable honesty.
She feels privileged and slightly awed that he's not only told her his darkest secret after keeping it from her for years but he's also allowed her to see how he feels about it. He's shared with her his anger, frustration and despair that its coming back to haunt him just when his life seems to be going right, when he has her, them to look forward to after so long on his own – 'why is it happening to him? to them? why now?'
But she also knows that that the Deeks who might want a deal to make it all go away is only temporary and that the Deeks she is seeing now is the enduring one, the one that knows that he must pay for his sins, that requires himself to pay for his sins. Hell he'd even confessed that it was one of the reasons why he pulled away from her for so long - another debit on the balance sheet of whether he deserved her, deserved them.
Her heart aches for him. How unwilling he is to feel sorry for himself, to forgive himself. He did a brave thing in her eyes to save a young vulnerable, girl - someone that could have easily been her if things had worked out differently when she was on the streets - and she's told him that countless times. She hopes that if she says it enough times he might start to believe it but suspects that Deeks needs to atone in his own way and that this might be a continuation of that process just as supporting Tiffany in her new life was a piece of the jigsaw. 'Being not doing' she silently chants.
"What kind of help?"
"To out a dirty cop"
"Who? Anyone I know?"
"Can we park that for a sec? I will tell you but I'd rather focus for a minute on how we you and l handle this."
"You're not keeping me out of this Deeks, I'm your partner, it's you and me versus world"
"I know, I'm not trying to. I want and need your help and support just as you needed mine with Claremont … But Kens I am going to protect you and us always, just as you protected me back then."
"That goes both ways, but you'd better plan on involving me more that I let you be involved in my dads case. We are stronger and closer now."
"I know Kens but that just means there is more to protect and greater risk but we'll work it out together"
"You and me, twosome, partners ….. stronger together and don't you forget it."
They lie together each letting their heightened emotions drain away, knowing there is more to come in this conversation and that they both need to be in the right headspace to do it and each other justice.
"She threatened to interview you." it comes out in a rush, startling her a little in the silence.
"Well let her. I'll deny I know anything; there is nothing she can prove. I'm good at undercover, I tell lies and half truths for a living."
"That's not the point Kens. I can't and won't put you in that situation. You told me recently that this job was more to you than a job it was who you are... I get that helping people, saving people is important to you. It is to me too. But there is no outcome where you come out unscathed career-wise. You lie, she doesn't even have to prove it, she just sets out her reasons and that will be a black mark in your NCIS file, might be even enough to get you chucked off the team now Hetty and Granger are out of the picture. You refuse to comment - same result. You tell the truth, I go to jail"
Kensi was silent for a moment before popping up onto his chest to face him, her mismatch eyes shining brightly. "Then let's just get married tomorrow, she can't make me testify against my husband."
Deeks looks deep into her eyes for a beat before tenderly bringing his lips to touch hers. "God I love you Kens" he says as he pulls away "But that doesn't change our situation or any of those outcomes. I want to marry you, I intend to marry you, I will marry you but I don't want that kind of reasoning to have anything to do with us getting married."
"Deeks you don't have to protect me"
"Yes I do" he says vehemently "it's my job, it's my right. I protect you, I protect us. Partners at work, partners in life. Don't tell me it would be any different if our situations were reversed".
"O-Kay" she murmurs dragging out each syllable as she curls back into him. She knows he's right and she can't win the argument but she loves him as he loves her. It's an argument they have had countless times in the past and will undoubtedly have again in the future.
"I'm going to help Whiting, I don't have a choice and I'm going to have to trust that she won't keeping coming back for more, though I may have done a little counter threatening of my own." He briefly outlines what he'd told Whiting earlier before adding "I may have also recorded our discussion and her thinly veiled threat...I blame Velma's influence."
He is relieved when just as he intended she gives a little giggle and a quick squeeze at his antics.
They settle in a comfortable silence, listening to the familiar sounds of their surrounding. Kensi calmed by the regular thump of Deeks heartbeat.
Again it's Kensi who breaks their silent reverie, keen to ensure that they explore every option to keep Deeks safe and with her. "We should take it to the team and see what we can work out"
His response is quick but not entirely unexpected. "I don't want to".
"Why?"
"Well let's see first of all its LAPD business and they have no jurisdiction."
"But it's you and you are part of the team they'll want to help"
He considers her point carefully and then deliberately moves straight to his second point. The reasons for his reticence to involve the wider team will be on the table soon enough. As he carries he makes no attempt to mask the anxiety and fear he feels.
"I'd have to tell them the truth and I don't want to, I don't want Eric and Nell looking at me differently and whilst I think that Callen and Sam suspect the truth, that's different to me confirming yet another screw up from my past. And Hetty..." He falters before coming to a grinding halt
"What about Hetty?" Kensi probes. She thinks back to their most recent conversation (one of many) on this topic, when he told her that Hetty knew he was guilty. His feelings about their diminutive leader remained deep and conflicted.
He keeps quiet so she gently prods again "I though you said you'd moved past what she did with Sidorov, Afghanistan and Jack?" She steers clear of the word forgive as she doesn't believe that Deeks has moved that far past it.
"I have. I get the operational rationale I didn't like it, I still don't like it but I get it. It's the way she's gone about it all. When Jack was back last year she could have taken 2 minutes to give you a heads up on who you were assigned to protect, the whole Angelo situation she just played with us deliberately like a cat playing with a canary, not to mention when you were re-assigned she could have reassured me that it had nothing to do with our relationship when I asked her directly she didn't need to say anything else, she could have let us say goodbye...it wouldn't even have cost her an hour…." his voice falters and he stops mid flow, he'd made his point.
"But she also stuck out her neck for you as you've said yourself; orchestrating John Quinn's fake escape and confession which got Whiting off your back"
"That's true, she did ….. but then more recently she threw me back under the bus by giving Whiting the info on my financial support for Tiffany which has given the IA investigation new legs because it suited her. "
This time Kensi remains silent unable to counter Deeks point mostly because she wholeheartedly agrees and is still seething angry about it. She doesn't want this to become about her and her feelings so best to keep her counsel.
"More importantly in getting me out of the picture she left you alone and unprotected. Kick ass you may be but you were still getting yourself back after the accident" his still raw emotions on this topic making his voice hitch, then get louder and faster as he continues "and I almost lost you as a result."
"But you didn't."
"I didn't" he agrees stroking her hair as if to reassure himself of the truth of that statement. "I owe Hetty a lot but she's got a mixed history with decisions about protecting you and me. There's a wired double standard she operates when it comes to me and you Kens. She never puts Sam & Callen in these positions and Callen and Anna are clearly involved and she keeps pushing them together and doesn't seem to have an issue. "
"No ones infallible Deeks, perhaps she's learning from how she dealt with us?" Kensi suggests
"Perhaps but it still keeps happening... The bottom line is I don't trust Hetty to do what's best for us" he stressed the word us "and we've both agreed that that's most important to us after keeping each other safe"
"OK agreed no Hetty involvement in this case but what about Sam and Callen?" she presses
"My relationship with Sam relationship has gone from strength to strength since The Russian Amateur Dentistry incident but both he and Callen still apply different rules to me and us than to each other. God knows I absolutely understand Sam going rouge to get Khaled after he lost Michelle but was just the last in a long line of events where they have supported each other going lone wolf or when seemingly driven by emotions with no censorship but when we were looking for you in Afghanistan I was a problem to be babysat and later with Ferris I was repeatedly told I shouldn't be leading this I was too close. I'm not sure that I can fully trust them to follow my lead and have my back when it's personal for me."
"It's personal for me too Deeks, if it's about you, it's about us and that's the most important thing in the world to me."
"So who's Whiting's target then?" she asks changing tack
"Do you think we could leave that pin in place for a little while longer? I'm not trying to avoid it. I just want to find out a little bit more, do a bit more thinking before I share"
"You'd better buster - twosome, couple, partners in everything" she feels compelled to repeat her earlier assertion whilst gesturing between the two of their bodies.
"I wouldn't have it any other way Kens. I just want to spend a bit of quality time with my gorgeous fiancée. I've missed you"
"I've been right here"
"I know"
She's desperate to understand more about the case Whiting is forcing him to work but knows he needs the break. It's still new to her this prioritisation of what he needs or what they need over what she wants but it's getting more natural and it surprises her how much she wants to get better at it, to be better for him.
"So any thoughts on where we should go on our honeymoon?"
"Mmmm….. About Hawaii & Australia, whilst I'd love to go sometime, as I don't plan on doing much surfing, much of anything that requires me to be more than an inch from you for the duration, I'm feeing those options might be a bit of a waste." he pauses "How about romantic Romania?"
"Romania?" she asks a bit taken aback but immediately getting the reference
"You know I think I was already a little bit in love with you back then, I just didn't recognise the feeling."
"As long as we're together Marty, I don't care where we go" she says breathily as she snuggles in still further to his body "Romantic Romania could work, just one thing... no blood feuds and maybe we should leave Sam and Callen at home this time?"
"Agreed and super double agreed." He whispers into her hair "now about that quality time..." He says huskily as he tugs her up his body till they are face to face and crashing his lips into hers.
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