October 2
I went out on the roof today, like we used to do all the time last summer. I think my parents came in to check on me while I was out there, but if they saw me they didn't say anything. I went out there in the morning around 7, just as the sun was starting to come up and it turned the sky that peach color that you loved so much. It made me miss you more, I think, because the whole time I was just wishing you were sitting next to me, holding my hand and laughing at some stupid joke I told you that probably wasn't even funny. That's one of the things I loved about you; you laughed at my jokes even when they weren't funny. I went out to the roof again around lunch time, but I had to come back inside because it reminded me of our picnic and I was afraid I would start crying again. Around 10 o'clock tonight I went back out. Actually, I'm sitting out here right now. It's dark out though, and I'm looking at the stars. When people die do they go to heaven? What if you're one of those stars in the sky right now? I hope that when someone dies they don't just stop living. I hope there's at least a part of you that's still alive.
October 4
It's been a month.
October 5
Burt called me today. It was kind of an awkward phone call, because what do you say to the father of your boyfriend after he commits suicide? He told me that if I wanted to, I could still come over, that I was welcome there any time. I love Burt, and Carole and Finn. A lot. I do. But I can't go over there, not yet. Cause whenever I used to go over there it was to be with you and now that you're not there I don't know why I would go there. It would be just another reminder that you're not coming back.
October 7
Burt asked me to clean out your locker today. It was hard. I waited until the end of the day, when everyone had already left so I could do it alone. There wasn't much in there, really. Mostly just text books and notebooks that I returned to the teachers or threw away. I did find something though. That picture you showed me back when we first met, the one of you and your mother. She really was beautiful. You had her eyes. It was taped to the door, next to the one of us on our 2 year anniversary. We were together for 2 years, Kurt. But still, you couldn't come talk to me? I just.. don't understand. I wish you could talk to me, because I need you to help me understand. Help me understand what I did wrong and why I couldn't save you.
October 10
I don't get how everything is still happening. The world is still turning, the sun is still coming up every morning and the stars come out every night. The birds still sing and dogs still bark and people still laugh. How can that all be happening still? How can people be moving on with their lives when you're gone? I don't get it.
October 12
I miss you so fucking much.
October 15
I'm really lost, I don't know what I'm supposed to do. Am I just supposed to carry on with my life? Pretend the last two years of my life with you never happened? I don't know how to keep going. I don't know how to live without you, Kurt. I keep going to bed at night thinking that this is all just a bad dream and that I'll wake up the next morning and you'll be laying next to me, running your fingers through my curls like you always did. And then when I groaned and mumbled about how early it was you would flash me that perfect smile that you hated so much and I would just melt into your side and go back to sleep. But every day I wake up and I live the same hell over and over again.
October 17
It's Saturday and I put on jeans for the first time in over a month. I don't know what to do now, though. I'm dressed with nowhere to go, because I always spent my Saturdays with you.
October 18
I spent the day with Wes and David. They called me this morning and asked me if I wanted to hang out for a few hours. It was nice. We went to the movies and then just walked around the mall for a few hours. It was kind of hard, being at the mall. It was one of your favorite places. It was okay other than that. I missed them. But I miss you more.
October 21
I heard our song on the radio today. I was in the car with my mom and Teenage Dream came on. I started crying out of nowhere but she didn't say anything. She didn't even question it. She just kept driving. My god, Kurt, I miss you so much.
October 27
It's almost November. The only reason I remember what day it is anymore is because I've been writing. My parents want me to go see a therapist. I don't wanna go. Why should I? It hasn't even been two months yet, but they want me to get over it? I don't know what they want from me. But I'm not going to see a therapist. There's nothing wrong with me.
October 31
Halloween was always your favorite holiday, besides Christmas. Remember last year when we dressed up as Snookie and The Situation? You made a hot girl. Is that weird? That was the best Halloween of my life. This one is the worst. I miss your friends. Rachel's throwing a party, maybe I'll go over for a few hours. It's better than sitting here.