Thanks so much for the reviews and PM's I got. I was blown away. I wasn't sure what to expect and I'm very grateful. I left up a couple Anon reviews and I wanted to very quickly address them then I won't talk about this again.
This is MY story and MY take on the characters. I'm not a professional writer, I'm doing this for fun. I won't tolerate being called a Callie hater because someone doesn't like something I write. I'm writing the way I've interpreted the characters and their actions over the past years. If you don't agree with something please let me know constructively but I will not adjust MY story or MY views and opinion to suit someone who thinks I'm calling Callie a meanie or making her grovel too much. This isn't about what Arizona did or didn't do when she cheated...That happened years ago...move on. While it may be addressed I'm not interested in why Callie was the wronged party and Arizona's a great big dirty slut. This also isn't about wanting Callie to be miserable and if I write her as miserable then so be it! I'll write what I want to write for the story and it's all made up folks so please take nothing too seriously.
I'm posting this now because I have a busy weekend ahead of me so doubt I'll be able to post until my Sunday which is a few day's away unless I have spare time tomorrow evening.
Thanks. And I hope those who did enjoy the first chapter enjoy the second! It's going to be a bit slow going for the first few. But in a few more the pace and...action and maybe angst/drama will pick up!
Oh and again No beta so all mistakes are mine. And all Characters belong to Shonda and Co unless I decide to create a fictional one which I very well may have done!
Chapter 2
There's no place like home and no one like you *****************
I can feel my heart thundering in my chest as hazel eyes bore into my own, Sofia is in bed and Penny and I are seated beside one another on the sofa. I've had my fair share of break up's over the years. Same have been mutual, some I've been the one to get dumped and some I've been the one to break up with the other person. Some of them I wept over for weeks, and others I was perfectly Ok the next day. There's only been one break up that has tore me to pieces from the inside out. That break up was when I left the therapists office over 3 years ago. I walked out and from then on my life wasn't the same.
What I'm about to do I know I'm about to do for the second time. I'm about to walk out of someone's life who loves me. I'm about to break another heart and it pains me so much especially because Penny hasn't done anything to warrant this. The only thing she is guilty of is...she's not Arizona - and that is not her fault.
"So what's going on Calliope? You've got me really worried." Penny starts off. Her knee is boucing up and down in what I know is a nervous gesture.
There's no nice way to do this, how do you soften the blow when you're about to blow up someone's entire world?
"Penny, you know I care about you so much, I love you...and coming to New York with you it's...uh...it's been a real eye opener b-but the thing is...uh you see...I-I..." God I can't even get the words out, it's excruciatingly hard.
"Stop. You're breaking up with me aren't you?" Penny intervenes, her voice is strong although I pick up a slight waver.
Making sure I look her square in the eye I nod once, "I am and I am so so sorry."
I wait a moment to give her a chance to reply, to scream if she needs to, to cry and throw me out of the house but she doesn't do any of those things. Instead she looks at and I can she's trying not to cry and she says "Its her isn't it?
I know who she's referring too but I feel too awful to admit it to her, it's like adding another knife to the already hundreds I've just stabbed in her back. "Penny, it's me, it's not you and I know that's cliched..but...I'm just so sorry I swear it's not you."
"It is cliched Callie so just tell me the truth, I'm a big girl I can handle it" she say's determinedly.
"Yes it's her, it's always been her and god I wish it wasn't, you don't know how many times I wish I could just forget her and move on but...I have to be true to myself. I never wanted this to happen and I realize what I've done.." I start but she puts a hand up in the air effectively silencing me.
"No you don't Callie. You don't realize what you've done. I asked you, not once, not twice but several times if you were sure I was what you wanted. You assured me repeatedly I was. I asked you if you were over Arizona and you told me you were. The night you turned up here, I gave you an out then. I told you to be sure, and you again told me you were. I allowed myself to fall in love with you. I had a future planned for us and this whole time...you've been thinking of her! I've loved you and accepted you and have done everything I can to make you happy but it's all been for nothing!" She says as her voice suddenly starts to rise in volume. Here comes the angry yelling part of breaking up.
"Penny please just listen to me, it's not as simple as that." I plead with her to let me explain.
"No just don't. I don't want to hear any excuses Callie. It's been a year and what...you've been faking it this whole time? You've been biding your time until what? Tell me Callie. Tell me why I'm not a good enough partner for you!" Penny demands wanting answers that if I give her will only hurt her more.
I realize this is getting us no where, I'm not upset at her for yelling at me, I'm not upset at what she is saying to me. Everything is justified. I've fucked her around and I deserve everything I get from her.
"Penny please just listen." I try to take her hand to get her to calm down but she shrugs me off.
"I'm sorry Ok! I'm so bloody sorry that I'm doing this, you have no idea but if you want honesty then sit down and let me explain and then I'll leave. If you just want to yell and scream at me which I totally deserve then go ahead but the end result is going to be the same and I'm so unbelievably sorry for that." I explain heatedly.
My words seem to drain her of some of her anger momentarily at least and she all but slides to the Sofa and I can see the fight leave her. I hate knowing that I've caused that, I hate knowing that I've caused yet another woman pain.
I cautiously sit down beside her, hesitating if I should try for some physical contact, I doubt it would be welcomed at the moment. I start to reach out but pull back at the last minute as I see her flinch.
"Please just tell me what I've done wrong Callie, I thought we were happy? I love you, more than I've loved anyone. I want a future with you, a life...children. It's been a year since you left Seattle, I thought we were good. Tell me where we've gone wrong. I need to understand" she asks softly while her eyes make contact with mine.
"When Arizona cheated on me..." I start but am swiftly cut off.
"Are you serious? What does that have to do with this? With us?" She asks and not without some disdain in her voice.
"You want me to answer your questions and explain why we're here then it starts with that and I'm sorry for anything I'm about to say that is going to hurt you but the least I can do is give you full and total honesty. You deserve that much."
Penny quietly scoffs but I take a breath and carry on, "When Arizona cheated on me, I lost a piece of myself and it wasn't a little piece, it was pretty much everything that I had left in me. I kept going for Sofia but every day it felt like I was dying. Eventually we reconciled but...nothing was fixed. We just put on a temporary band aid. I wasn't ready to reconcile but I done it on the word of my father and because I was...scared and alone. We tried and we tried, but in the end it just didn't work. It was no-one's fault. Not Arizona's nor mine. It was my choice though to walk away from her. I couldn't breathe, I was unhappy, she was unhappy...so I walked away hoping to save us both."
I'm watching Penny as she listens to me and I can see how she's hanging on my every word like she's really listening for the reason why I'm doing what I'm doing.
"So you were unhappy when you were with her? And you left her. That was your choice Callie. Then you met me and we've been happy!" Penny exclaims.
She's trying to hold onto something, anything and I smile sadly. Nothing at this stage will make it better.
"I was unhappy when I was with her...and I did leave her because at the time it was what I needed but...I...still loved her." I state quietly but loudly enough that I know she heard me.
"But then you met me Calliope! You met me and we dated and we were happy!" she exclaims as she moves closer to me and takes my hands hanging on for dear life. I don't rebuff the physical contact instead I hold her hands tight within my own.
"I did meet you and we were happy. You have been amazing. You've been everything I needed and I do love you Penny...B-but...its, it's just not you Ok." I finish lamely. God I'm terrible at this, the least I owe her is the truth but how do I tell her the truth without hurting her anymore than I have.
"What the fuck is that supposed to mean?! God Callie just tell me the truth. Not this it's me not you bullshit! If you love me then why are you doing this? If you've been happy then why are we breaking up?!"
I know I have no right to get angry but my emotions are all over the place. I stand up and match her in volume, "I'm IN love her Ok! I can't help it. I tried not to be. God knows Iv'e tried but I just can't help the way I feel. I have loved you, I've not lied about that but I'm sorry...I'm not in love with you." I all but yell at her, her face is a mixture of anger and sadness and I take a breath to calm myself before carrying on in a more calmer tone.
"I thought I was in love with you, because you made me feel good, I could breath when I was with you and I have enjoyed being with you but...I was burying my feelings because I was still so hurt and upset with her. It's never been finished between her and I. I took the easy way out that day when I left Therapy. I walked away leaving our problems to go unsolved and along with it the love I had for her. But it's always been there I just buried it so deep and convinced myself she wasn't who I wanted and then you came along and I felt like it was a sign. When I was with you I didn't think about her. I know now though that it's been a mistake. I will never forgive myself for doing this to you Penny. You have to believe me." I implore.
"When did you know that this was a mistake. When did you suddenly remember you had feelings for your ex wife?" the red head demands.
"I...I don't think that really matters, in the end it all amounts to the same." I say trying to get out of answering her question because I know she will not like the answer.
"No, you answer me. You said you owe me the truth, well I want all of it. When did you realize she was the one for you and I was just disposable."
I shrink at her words and her tone. I deserved that but by fuck if it doesn't hurt.
"Today. When we were back in Seattle, before you met Sofia I asked Bailey a question. I asked her when she thought it was right that I introduce Sofia to you. She painted me a picture...of my future, of me at a Soccer game of Sofia's cheering and yelling for her in the crowd and there was someone by my side. She asked me who I saw...and I saw you. Then today when we were on that Soccer field and you were there with your arm around me cheering on my daughter...I looked at you...and you were no longer there..." I linger for a while because what wants to come out of my mouth next will only hurt her un-necessarily.
There's a brief lull in conversation where my mouth opens and closes a few times but I'm saved from finishing because Penny finishes my thoughts for me. "It was her by your side...not me. Just say it." she orders me, and I guess she needs to hear it to make it real, to make it final.
"I'm so sorry but yes it was Arizona. I was standing in the future Bailey painted me, maybe not 20 years down the track but it was the future I had envisioned and all I could see was her even though you were physically right beside me. You deserve more than me. You deserve someone so much better and I am so sorry Penny". I say truthfully.
It's all silent for a moment as we both look at each other then...
"Get out now!" Penny points a shaking finger towards the door and I do a double take.
"W-what? Penny it's 10 pm on a Saturday and Sofia is asleep. You can't expect me to leave right now." I plead as I step closer to her to try and reason with her.
"GET OUT NOW! I want you out of my house and out of my life! I gave everything to you. I thought I was safe with you but this whole time it's been Arizona fucking Robbins! I would never cheat on you. I would never treat you the way she did...she's...she's fucked and so are you! So get the hell out NOW!" my now ex girlfriend roars at me.
I've never seen her like this ever! She's always so calm and collected and quiet. To know I've brought this side out of her is...devastating, but I can see there is nothing left to be said. She doesn't want to hear it and I can't blame her.
"Ok, ok. Let me grab my stuff and Sofia please. Just give me 30 minutes and I'll be out of your hair." I tell her.
For a moment I think she's going to tell me to get stuffed and to walk out with the clothes on my back but she just stiffly nods her head and walks into the kitchen. Letting out a breath I walk into our room and head straight to the closet for my suitcase and start packing.
30 minutes later, I have both myself and Sofia's Suitcases all packed up and my daughter on my hip who is thankfully still sleeping after a little meltdown at being woken up at such a late hour. That's all I'm walking away with from this year in New York. Two suitcases of clothes. And now a terribly sad memory that I'm not sure I'll be able to let go of for a while.
Standing at the door I turn around and take one last look at the small but modern two bedroom apartment that has been my home for the past year. Sighing heavily I open the door and the cold wind rushes in causing Sofia to snuggle in closer to me. I manage to manevur our luggage outside without jostling Sofia too much and head back to grab my last bag. Penny is no where to be seen and I stand in the doorway for a moment hoping she'll appear. After a minute or so when it seems she isn't coming I adjust Sofia again and grab my last suitcase, using my foot to nudge it outside I turn and place my hand on the door to close it but at the last second Penny appears.
"So this is it then?" She say's quietly.
"It is. I'm sorry. I'm truly and deeply sorry." I say genuinely and I really mean it.
The woman who has loved me for more than a year looks at me wistfully for a moment, tears slowly leaking down her pale face.
"Don't think you can come running back to me if it doesn't work out with her. I will never forgive you for this Callie." She say's coldly.
"I know that. I don't know what else to say except I'm sorry." I repeat sounding like a broken record.
"I don't need you to say anything. Just...go...go and never come back." she say's before slamming the door shut so loudly the echoing sound feels like it's vibrating within my very heart. I may not be in love with her but I did love her and I feel ashamed and disgusted with myself for what I've just done. I had to be true to myself though. I know I have one hell of a journey ahead of me and as the cab pulls up and I wave him over to help me with my luggage I look back at the apartment and I see her face staring out through the window. I smile at her sadly but she just pulls the curtain so she's out of sight and I know this chapter of my life is finished.
That part of my life is over and I'm about to finally go home and...I'm more terrified than I have ever been in my life. I've just ended a long term relationship with a woman who's heart I've torn in two to go home a year later to a woman who's heart I also broke. I have no idea what I'm going to be walking into but I know I'm going to have to face the consequences of what I left behind and for once in my life I'm ready. I'm ready to do the hard work, I'm ready to fight for what I want, I'm ready to finally have my happy ending.