Crazy - Chapter 2: It All Comes Tumbling Down

This chapter is to explain what happened the last chapter when the Homunculi were alone. Here is an advice: No one should take these chapters seriously. Harhar.

Disclaimer: I do not own Fullmetal Alchemist.

Wrath's POV:

The moment when I saw my mansion destroyed, I was utterly devastated. But since I was a young child, I was always taught to look at the bright side of things. And, there was only one thing that was favorable right now.

I slowly unsheathed my awesome, jewelry encrusted sword, pulling it out in a melodramatic manner. My wife was saying something really long, fast and confusing to me, but I didn't care. Because now I finally had a reason...

...to kill that friggin' Selim! Bwahahaha!

"AAAAAAHH!" I charged toward the Homunculi and Edward. The more casualties there may be, the more it would cheer me up.

The Homunculi and Edward screamed, when they saw me rushing toward them in such a violent and daunting fashion. They all dove in different directions like dolphins.

"You!" I accused.

They faltered backwards. "Us..."

I raised my voice. "You!"

They lowered theirs. "...Us..."

"YOU!"

Then, I felt a sharp tug on my arm. "Bradley!" my wife gasped, ruining the little back and forth thing we got going on.

"Dammit, woman! Don't stop me now while I'm on my heroic charge!" I yelled. "I'mma kill them! I'mma slice them to tiny little pieces! Look what they did! I'mma kill them!"

"You don't mean Selim, too, right?" she asked hopefully.

"Shit, are you kiddin' me! He's gonna be the first one to go! Didn't you see how I had my sword so low? I was aiming for his head!"

She somehow managed to roll up a newspaper and whacked me with it on the head. "Calm down! We have to access this situation calmly—"

"Calmly? You damn blind or what? Look around you! WE HAVE NO HOUSE!"

"It's not worth killing them!" my wife protested.

I blinked at her, then spoke in a deadpanned voice, "Haha, you're funny."

"I'm not joking! It's not worth it! Let's let them explain it to us!"

"Y-yeah, we can explain," Envy stammered hastily.

"Explain it to my ass while I'm suffocating you with it!" I screamed, and my wife whacked me again. "Dammit, woman, you gotta stop waving that thing around!"

My wife took a breather and looked at each and every one of them ugly people. She, at last, settled on Pride and inquired gently and kindly (oh, my Lord, stop it), "Selim, what happened?"

I intervened, "Goddammit! They burned the house down and played dress-up with each other! Put the pieces together, woman!"

"Dress-up?"

"Yes, dress-up! I mean look at him!" I pointed to Pride. "He's wearing make-up with eye-liner and mascara and all that crap! Woman, you were always nagging to me about wantin' a girl. Well, here ya go." I pushed that brat to her.

Next, I turned my attention to Lust and glared at her aggravating Afro. "And she's dressed up like an ugly-ass witch!"

"Hey!" Lust cried.

"Oh, so now you greet me!"

"What? I wasn't even—"

"And you!" I snarled at Gluttony. "Do us all a favor and cover that dangling thing between your legs! It's friggin' disturbing!"

The chubby Homunculus peered down in a curious manner, trying to look past all the fat in his stomach to see what I was talking about.

"How is it disturbing?" Envy challenged. "Don't you have one, too?"

"You know what, boy, you're the most annoying out of all!" I barked. "So why don't you act like your hair and disappear!"

Envy gasped, and Ed stifled a snicker.

"What? You think it's funny, Fullmetal?" I snapped at him. "Why're you wearing my clothes, boy? It doesn't even fit a pipsqueak like you!"

I must have sparked a flame in that Fullmetal because he started to rage and shout about his height, spitting death threats at me. Undaunted, I plainly stepped up and ripped the eyepatch from his face. "And gimme this back, fool! It's mine!"

Subsequently, I glared vicious daggers at Sloth who was sleeping in my damaged car. "And why is my car ruined? I didn't even get to ride in it yet! The only thing I approve of is Greedling being buried alive! That's some creativity you people have right there. Now I wish I can make graves for each and every one of you just like that!"

My wife covered Pride's ears. "Don't say these kind of crude things in front of our little Selim!"

"Oh, shut up, woman!"

She ignored me and turned to Selim. "Tell me, dear, what happened here?"

Now, people, was I the only irritated with her or what? "Stop asking goddamn stupid questions! A better one would be: how did this happened? Dammit, now I have to be your teacher or somethin'?"

"Stop being rude!"

"Rude? You're lecturing me about keeping your damn manners when they're the one who burned the house down?"

"We can still settle this properly," she argued, with her lips pressed together as if she was resisting the urge to shout.

"With a nice beating and spanking you mean."

"No! With reasoning."

I stared at her for a long time, granting her the opportunity to correct herself and say something smart for once. When that didn't happen, I muttered, "Wow. You know what? You wanna be the 'reasonable' parent? Fine. Go ahead and ask them questions. I'mma settle for another beer."

True to my words, I proceeded across the house (there were no more walls), and to the shed. I fetched a beer from my emergency supply, went back and sat on the ground. Artfully popping the lid open with a flick of my thumb, I began drinking it.

"Really?" my wife murmured with disbelief, her eyebrows raised. "That's all you going to do?"

"Mm-hmm."

My wife rolled her eyes and faced Pride with a sigh. "Okay, so how did this happen? Tell me, Selim."

"Okay," he replied obediently. "This was what happened—"

"This was how it happened!" I pointed out.

"Oh, shut up," Pride retorted, which caused my wife to gasp, and he quickly corrected himself: "I mean... please don't interrupt me, dear Father. This was how it happened..."

Pride/Selim Bradley's POV: (earlier today)

Wrath and his wife left the house, leaving us to stare at each other. It was actually very unnerving. Greedling tried to make the atmosphere less awkward by attempting a meek conversation. After peering around the room, he stupidly asked, "So, this is your room, Pride?"

"Yes."

"Nice bed. You bought it at, uh, um, that one store...?"

"You mean that store that sell mattresses?"

"Uh, yeah! That store... that sell mattresses! That store... Yeah, that one." Notice how he kept repeating his damn words; it was so exasperating. "So you bought it there?"

"Yes."

"Oh."

And that was pretty much it. Then, Sloth spoke up, "Me... want to try out car! Cool car outside—"

Wrath's POV: (present time)

"I hate where this is going," I muttered, and my wife shushed me, allowing Pride to continue.

Pride's POV: (earlier today before Wrath stupidly interrupted)

Everyone ignored Sloth and his slow ramblings as usual. Silence swiftly ensued, but that was short-lived. Someone unleashed a fart, and immediately, everyone pointed at, well, basically everyone.

"It cannot be me," Lust claimed. "I do not produce 'farts.' Beautiful women like me do not fart."

Greedling frowned. "That's your reason? Because you're 'beautiful'?"

"Yeah."

"Okay, now I'm getting suspicious. Everyone point at her!" All hands except Envy's switched to point at Lust.

In the meantime, Envy, blatantly disgusted, clapped a hand over his nose while jabbing his finger at Gluttony in an accusing manner. "Eww! The smell is coming from him! It friggin' stinks! You friggin' stink, Gluttony!"

"I do?"

Envy impatiently slapped the back of the fat Homunculus' head. "Who're you marrying to, you idiot! Of course you stink! And not only because of the fart! When was the last time you took a shower?"

"Uhhh..." Gluttony started, trying to count on his fingers, and then he surprisingly announced, "2163 days ago."

We retreated from him, grimacing. "Ewwww!" Envy shouted, pinching up his face to accentuate his revulsion. "That's disgusting! You must be growing fungus at this time!"

In response, Gluttony frowned, acknowledging that he was insulted for the first time. "So? When's the last time you cut your hair? When the dinosaurs still roamed?" Envy's mouth was agape, and the rest of us were sort of impressed by Gluttony's unexpected comeback. He earned himself a little of my respect. Only a little.

"Wow, since when did you turn witty?" Greedling questioned incredulously. "You used to be so dumb—"

Gluttony clenched his fists in a hostile fashion (whoa, Gluttony angry?). "And since when did you turn homo, Greed? You have Ling inside you all the time! Didn't you always saying something about wanting everything in the world? Well, you must want girls and boys!"

We snickered, and Greedling bellowed, "I'mma kill you and chop you up into fatass pieces!" While Greedling chased after Gluttony, we followed, but I was sure not to speak up at this time and provoke Gluttony—he might have something to use against me.

Soon, after a bit of a brawl, Greedling gained the upper-hand and he furiously tied Gluttony like a package, his intent to kill evident. But then, his eyes began to water, much to our astonishment.

"Are you crying, Greedling?" I asked and patted his back, somewhat consolingly. (Actually, I used my shadows to pat his back. Like hell I was going to touch him. Ew.) "It's okay, Greedling. Let it out. We know you love Gluttony." The Homunculi and I chuckled derisively to ourselves.

"N-no! It's just... Gluttony's stink is really strong!" Greedling remarked, coughing. "Dude, if I'm gonna kill 'im, I need 'im clean first!"

Lust smiled. "This is my profession then. Let's give Gluttony a makeover."

"Ew. What? Why?" we all asked at the same time... using the same words...

"'Cuz we're bored anyway. Don't try to act like we have better things to do."

We entered the bathroom and gathered around the sleek bathtub. Gluttony was curiously looking at each on of us to study our expressions, presumably wondering why he was brought in here.

"So..." Greedling addressed Gluttony. "Get naked first."

"Ew! You homo! I'm not gonna strip!" Gluttony cried in disgust, and Greedling appeared as though he was about to choke the life out of him, with his eye twitching and everything.

Lust glanced at her nails in an idle and apathetic manner. "Well, someone has to strip him."

"Not me," I quickly voiced (usually the last to deny was stuck with the job). "That's below me to strip someone like him."

"Not me either," Envy said. "I already suffered enough in my lifetime— Hey, where's Sloth?" The rest of us gazed around the bathroom to see that Sloth had indeed vanished. Envy then waved the topic away, "Ah, who cares?"

Greed returned to the topic at hand, "Well, I'm definitely not gonna strip him!" Suddenly, Ling took over with a big grin on his face, "And I'd be happy to!"

We all took a step back from him but didn't argue because he was the forever sole and only volunteer. Ling hummed happily as he removed Gluttony's garments, and naturally, we looked away, not wanting to experience the horror.

After a while, Gluttony was finally bare.

"So now what?" Envy asked.

Lust sighed and stared at her nails. "Gluttony, jump in the bathtub and wash off."

"No, don't wannu!"

She ignored him and continued staring at her nails. And then she felt her hair and glanced in the mirror. "Oh, gosh, I need to take a shower."

We gawked at her. "Aren't you gonna do something about Gluttony?" I questioned.

"What? I already tried," Lust muttered, staring at her nails again. "Oh well."

Envy snapped, "You may be able to endure the stink but the rest of us can't! And stop staring at your nails! What's already ugly would remain ugly! You can't zap it to beautiful just by staring at it!"

Lust glared at him. "I know that; I tested it out on you. I've been staring at you, but you still remained the same! Ugh."

We snickered. Envy put his hands up, scoffing, and settled near the window.

"So who's gonna make Gluttony take a bath?" Greed asked, apparently having taken over control again. "To do that, we need someone stubborn, hot-tempered, and violent... Envy, you sure you don't wanna give it a shot?"

"No!" Envy shouted, before he smirked and pointed out the window, obviously satisfied with his view. "But I just located a little sucker that walked by this way who can help."

And from below, someone shouted, "WHO'RE YOU CALLING A 'LITTLE' SUCKER, YOU BASTARD!"

Envy grinned at us maliciously. "That's right: Edward Elric."

Edward Elric's POV:

So Winry and Pinako had recently moved to Central, since Winry got a new job here and everything. I was taking an evening stroll and was planning to go visit them when the Homunculi opened the Führer's front door. They smiled hugely and beckoned for me to come in.

How very suspicious. I grimaced. "Ew. No."

"Aw, don't be shy," Envy said.

"No, but I'll be sick."

Envy then sighed, theatrically performing a shrug, and glanced over at the Homunculi companions. "I knew it. He's scared. We got a surprise for him and everything, but he's too chicken to come in. He's a little, short chicken—"

I ran over and jumped, my foot connecting to Envy's face. The impact blew him backwards and against the living room sofa.

"WHO'RE YOU CALLING A LITTLE, SHORT CHICKEN, YOU SON OF A—"

Envy leaped from the ground and charged. He slammed me to a wall inside the mansion, and a few photos fell from their places and broke. "Don't push me like that again, you pipsqueak!"

Enraged, I screamed, "I'M NOT A PIPSQUEAK!" Flipping from my position, I brought up my automail leg and swiped it against his cheek, and he crashed into the shelf.

"I'MMA KILL YOU!" Envy shouted and lunged toward me—

Shadows dove in between us, and we yelped and jumped back. Pride glared at both of us, coolly. "Don't act like kids."

"At least we don't look like one," Envy retorted and then sneered at me. "Well, at least I don't look like one."

"YOU—"

The shadows intervened again and nearly sliced off Envy's and my neck if we hadn't dodged in time.

"You tried to kill me!" Envy shouted, alarmed, and gripped his neck as if to determine if it was still in its proper place. After asserting that it was, he attacked Pride, but the latter simply shielded himself with his shadows. Envy, however, was able to land a tiny cut on his cheek, and he was satisfied.

Wrath's POV: (present time)

"They started fighting," Selim told his mommy. "So I tried to be a good boy like you taught me, Mommy. I had to do something! I tried to stop them, but then that mean Envy hit my cheek!" He pointed to a cut that I couldn't even see.

But of course, my wife, as gullible as she was, gasped and hugged her little Selim.

"Oi, if you heard something along the lines of gagging, choking, barfing and puking chunks..." I began, "it was from me."

My wife ignored me. "So, Selim, what did you do to Envy?"

"You told me to never to hit a person, so I forgave him and gave him a gentle pat in a back, telling him to not do that again."

Envy's POV: (earlier today)

Suddenly, Pride's shadows pinned me to the ground, and he slammed his foot on my back, nearly breaking it. "Don't you ever do that again!"

"You—"

"So Ed," Pride started, having chosen to neglect me. "Do us a favor. We need you to wash Gluttony—"

"Ew! No!"

Greedling muttered, "So we all share the same reaction..."

"Are you sure?" Pride inquired in a sly manner. "I heard that if you put your effort in scrubbing, you can grow taller."

Ed perked up instantly. "Really?"

"Uh-huh."

He contemplated it for a moment, before declaring, "Fine. I'm in!"

Pride removed his foot from my back, whispering, "Nailed it."

I scoffed at him while rubbing my painful spine. "You're lucky Ed's stupid. I'mma get you back for this, you watch!"

So then, Ed bathed Gluttony. We snickered while Ed scrubbed him furiously with a sponge. On several occasions, he bellowed and punched the unhappy Gluttony to settle down.

"Hey, you missed a spot," I proclaimed.

"Where?"

"His armpits."

The Homunculi cracked up, as Ed scowled and lifted Gluttony's arms to scrub them with soap.

"No, stop it! Stop touching me!" Gluttony howled although it sounded so wrong.

Ed belligerently kicked his face. "Stay still, you creep! STAY STILL!" Gluttony continued to angrily thrash about in the small tub, inciting large waves of water that splashed and soaked Ed from head to toes. "Dammit!" he cursed. "I'm all wet!"

Lust grimaced. "Okay, ew. Go change to something and I'll handle the rest of the makeover."

"Fine..." Ed walked outside to where we were at.

"Don't wear my clothes," Pride promptly stated.

Ed blinked. "Then whose should I wear?"

"My mother's dress. It'll suit blonds like you." The Homunculi chortled at this.

"Hell no, creep! Guess I'll just have to borrow the Führer's clothes..."

Edward Elric's POV:

I wore on the Führer's huge and baggy clothes, and I was surprised that they were actually comfortable. Bored, I foraged through the guy's closet, skipping past the "I must kill Selim" letters he kept. That was when I noticed a polished box that looked significant, tucked surreptitiously behind a torrent of clothes. On its lid, there was a note that read: Do not look through.

All right! Time to look through!

I retrieved the box—or rather, rescued it from the suffocation of garments—and opened it to reveal a bewildering number of eyepatches. Each of them was placed neatly and accordingly; very organized and stuff. There were, like, tens of them. Perhaps, even more in this box.

"Hey, guys! Come in and see!"

The Homunculi approached, except for Lust and Gluttony—who were still in the bathroom—and Sloth at who-knows-where. "What?"

"Look! A whole mess of eyepatches!" I took one and put it over my eye, imitating the Führer, earning myself a few astonished whispers. "He even separated them in correlation to the days of the week. These are the Mondays, the Tuesdays..."

Wrath's POV: (present time)

My wife asked, "How do you have so many eyepatches?"

"Dammit, woman, there was a four for one sale! I'd be stupid not to buy them! But, that's not the point right now!" I glared at the Homunculi and Ed, pugnaciously. "You looked through my dear collection? They are the most important things to me!"

"Excuse me?" my wife challenged.

"Didn't you hear me? THEY ARE THE MOST IMPORTANT THINGS TO ME!"

"Hello? Is there anything else that's important to you?"

"Oh, yeah, huh, my beer."

Lust's POV: (earlier today)

I remarked, "Okay, now, Gluttony. You have to get dry. And then, we will move on to mani-pedi."

"No!" the chubby Homunculus whined fretfully.

"Yes, Gluttony! Now, get dry! My patience is thinning!"

"No," he repeated, crossing his arms to express his indignation.

"Use the towel. And, get out of the bathtub!"

"No."

Irritated, I snatched the blow dryer from the sink. "All right then, suit yourself!" I turned it on to its maximum power and blasted it at Gluttony's face. Squealing, he squirmed to escape, to no avail since he was enclosed in the tub. So instead, that bastard pushed me.

"Aah!"

My balance crumbled, and I started to fall into the bathtub with the blow dryer that was still on—

"Noooo!" I cried out dramatically, in slow motion.

Then, I crashed into the water, engulfed by its liquid realm. The blow dryer, in contact with the water, kindled scathing jolts of electricity that spread throughout my body.

"AHHHHHHHHHH!"

Envy's POV:

We heard a rather manly scream from the bathroom and casually walked over to its owner. When we entered, we saw a stunned Lust, crisp and burnt, with a crazy mess of an Afro and black soot marring her skin.

So, we did what could only be done at the moment:

We laughed. Duh.

"AHAHAHAHAHA!" I barked out, howling with laughter, and pointed at Lust. "Look at your face! It's so effin' ugly! You know, it was always ugly, but this is hideous!"

Lust was absolutely infuriated, and she fumed, "It's stupid Gluttony's fault! He pushed me in the water— H-hey, I don't look that bad, right?" She worriedly inspected herself in the mirror.

We merely bellowed a louder laugh and praised the brilliance of the fat Homunculus, "Nice job, Gluttony!"

"Oh, no, oh, no, oh, no!" Lust cried, desperately trying to comb out her Afro with her fingers. "Oh, no, oh, no! Dammit! My beauty! No!"

Snickering, we allowed for the witch to melt with horror, and stalked out of the bathroom. Gluttony trailed after us, having no clue of what he did.

"So what now? So much for the makeover, right?" Greed commented, as we made it down to the living room.

Pride yawned tiredly and lay down on one of the sofas. "I will go to sleep; don't bother me."

"Oh, is it Mommy's boy's bedtime already?" I mocked, but that irksome Pride ignored me and fell asleep.

Greed noted, "Well, it is, like, one o' clock in the morning. I'm going to sleep, too."

And soon, they all fell down like a bag of potatoes and snored. Even Ed stayed to sleep, snuggling in the Führer's clothes. I, on the other hand, did not even feel the slightest bit sleepy. So, I settled on the sofa proportional to Pride's, and had a stare-down with the wall.

Akin, Lust descended the stairs, patently still ugly. I snickered, but she refused to acknowledge my presence, preoccupied with applying make-up to improve her appearance—even though it was horrid beyond repair. I shot her a dirty look and stood up, groaning at my painful back.

Oh, that's right. That little Pride stepped on it earlier... Bastard. I swear to get even...

An idea manifested in my mind. I went over to Lust and reached for her make-up kit.

"What are you doing?" Lust demanded. "You man-lady."

"Shut up, butt-ugly bitch." She gasped, and I shooed her, stealing the make-up. Then, I squatted near Pride and took an eyeliner pencil out of the pouch zealously. "Ahahahaha!"

This piqued Lust's interest, and she propped beside me. "Hey, add some blush to his cheeks. I'll handle the lipstick."

I narrowed my eyes at her suspiciously. "Are you sure you're on my side?"

"Of course, Envy! How could you doubt me! I hate you, but I hate Pride more. That brat."

"Well, all right then."

Lust's POV:

I'm on his side, my ass. No one was on my side and they called me an ugly witch. I'm BEAUTIFUL!

Yeah, well, anyway, Envy finished up putting make-up on Pride, while I silently observed. Once he was finished, he went to sleep. After double-checking, I concluded that he was wholly unconscious and indecorously sneered to myself. Ah, ha. Time for my plan to take its place!

I shook Pride. "Hey," I whispered. "Pride, wake up."

Pride groaned and sat up, with a bitter expression on his face. "What do you want?"

"Shh!" I shushed him, looking behind me to verify that Envy was still sleeping. "Promise me you won't scream, but look in the mirror." I retrieved a handheld mirror from my pouch and let him examine himself.

Startled by what he perceived, Pride gasped, with his eyes widening and everything. It was very satisfying to choke out a reaction from him. "Who did this to me?"

"Envy," I informed. "He stole my make-up pouch, and when I discovered it so, he was already finished putting make-up on you."

Pride seethed. "Envy, huh?" He glared at the sleeping Envy on the ground.

Ah, ha~ Adiós, Envy! I'll let you two kill each other. I love myself! Lots of hearts!

"I'mma get back at him," he declared, jumping down from the couch, and he stormed into the bathroom.

Pride's POV:

I rummaged through the drawers, until my hand clasped around the razor. I chuckled darkly to myself.

Wrath's POV: (present time)

"We were all sleeping," Pride explained to my wife. "I went to the bathroom and, you know, I don't remember but somehow I was holding onto a razor; it wasn't intentional. So I was walking back into the living room where everyone else was—but I couldn't see in the dark."

Pride's POV: (earlier today)

Hmph! The dark benefited me just fine; I was, like, a shadow-pro so I knew what I was talking about. With a bit of light for my shadows to materialize, the scope of my vision extended to every nook and cranny of the room.

Anyway, there was that devious Envy snoring on the ground. I deliberately tiptoed toward him, with the razor in my right hand. Bringing it to his skull, I began to shave off all of his hair.

Wrath's POV: (present time)

"I was walking with the razor," Pride explained. "I told you I can't see in the dark, so I tripped over Envy, and my razor touched his head then his whole hair came off. It was an accident!"

"YOU LIE!" Envy screamed. "LIAR, LIAR, LIAR! DON'T BELIEVE HIM!"

"Who would?" I remarked, drinking my lovely beer.

"Oh, honey, if it's an accident, it's okay!" my wife cried, and she hugged Pride.

"I spoke too soon," I muttered. "Dammit, woman, you're stupid. He's a dumbass liar. I mean who trips and shaves someone bald in one swipe? Damn, he must have gotten up and fallen back down on Envy like twenty times."

She ignored me ('cuz I had a brilliant point), allowing for Pride to continue, "And then, Envy woke up. I tried to tell him it was an accident, but he wouldn't listen!"

Envy's POV:

I heard a strange, buzzing sound against my scalp which lured me back to the state of consciousness. I opened my eyes, only to see Pride grinning iniquitously with a razor in his possession. Soon after, I felt a nice breeze on my head...

My hands instinctively gripped my skull.

Nothing.

"YOU SHAVED ME?" I bellowed, and he, unfazed by my rage, just continued to smile happily.

At this point, people were waking up, and eventually, all of their eyes lingered at the top of my head. Immediately, they chortled at my baldness—especially Ed and that Lust chick.

"Now you and Gluttony can be twins," Greed pointed out between his laughs.

"SHUT UP! DAMMIT, PRIDE! F*CK YOU! I'LL KILL YOU, YOU SON OF A BITCH!"

I lunged at him.

Pride 'hmph'ed haughtily and dodged to the side.

"Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!" Greed voiced loudly. "Just noticed something... Pride, did you do something different your face? 'Cuz, you got a little sumthin' sumthin' like... everywhere."

Pride stiffened, while the other Homunculi and Ed acknowledged the make-up. They began to crack up hysterically. The sense of victory lifted my ego very graciously, and I pointed at Pride in a triumphant manner. "AHAHAHA! That's what you get, little girl, for stepping on my back!"

Greed raised his hands for attention. "Hey, hey, look, guys... Pride, you should join the Little Miss Japan's pageant, and Envy, your head is shiny. All right, now you two may kill each other."

Pride glowered at me nefariously, apparently pissed off, and his shadows attacked me. I had to duck in order to escape their murderous intent. I then charged at him at full speed, while the other Homunculi and Ed cheered. About half of them voted for me and the other half rooted for the evil little brat (including that Lust traitor)!

I sidestepped all of his shadows and approached him swiftly, aiming for his neck. "I'MMA KILL YOU FOR DOING THIS TO ME!"

Pride smirked and parried my attack, causing me to trip over Gluttony. I almost recovered from the loss of balance, but then Lust purposely stuck out her foot to trip me again. I fell into the kitchen, my head colliding against the sink.

Their laughs amplified, which provoked me. "Oh, you're going to get it!" I cried and snatched the coffee and beer from the kitchen counter and splashed them at Pride (and basically everywhere around him).

That got him good.

He was soaked and enraged. We proceeded to attack each other with maybe a little wrestling included.

But then...

"Hey, what's that smell?" Gluttony asked all of a sudden.

"That's just you!" I said, while shoving Pride.

"No," Gluttony disagreed. "This is different. A crispy smell... like barbeque."

We hesitated and sniffed, and sure enough, there was this odd, smoky smell in the air. We all turned to its direction and realized that there was a fire starting within the television, because it was drenched with coffee and beer...

It took us two seconds to process it.

"AHHHH!" we cried and jumped back, panicking at the growing fire.

"Do something!" I yelled.

"U-um, u-uh," Lust stammered and hastily grabbed bottles, hurling their contents at the fire.

It grew tremendously.

"You goddamn dumbass!" Greed shouted. "That's wine; it's f*ckin' flammable!"

Lust screamed, "Stop yelling at me! I'M BEAUTIFUL!"

We paused to glance at her. "Uhh," Pride uttered, "how does that has to do with anything?"

"THE FIRE'S GROWING!" Greed exclaimed to regain our focus. "GET THE FIRE EXTINGUISHER!"

Ed shouted, "Right!" He smashed a cabinet in the kitchen and pulled out a fire extinguisher. (How did he know where things are? Hmm...) But then that goddamn, dumb-as-shit Ed began beating the fire with the fire extinguisher.

"Stop! Stop!" I yelled, kicking the extinguisher out of his hands. "That's not how you use a fire extinguisher, you dumbass—"

"I got it!" Gluttony declared abruptly, and seized a bucket from the floor.

Pride's eyes widened for some reason. "Wait, stop, Gluttony—"

But, it was too late. He poured the substance everywhere, and the fire ate it up and increased like a rapacious monster. Already, it burned and destroyed at least half of the living room.

"It's gasoline, idiot!" Pride scolded.

"Why do you have gasoline in your house?" I asked, out of genuine curiosity.

Pride coughed at the ashes, while explaining, "Wrath keeps it around in case he can no longer suppress the urge to commit suicide; he even keeps the matches in his pocket. I have no problem against that, so I never complained."

"Man, your dad needs therapy. And anger management classes."

"Agreed."

"STOP TALKING SO CALMLY!" Greed roared with disapproval. "The fire's surrounding us! We're going to die!"

While the treacherous fire approached, some of us whimpered (ahem, not me), and we, having formed somewhat of a circle, squished against one another as we backed away to the wall. We choked on the ashes, and the insufferable smoke made our eyes all watery.

"Oh, shit!" Lust cried.

"What?"

"The tears are making my mascara run—"

"SHUT UP!" we yelled at her, and she went silent.

"Guys, guys," Gluttony said. "If we're all going to die anyway... let's all be nice to each other this once."

"No time for your goddamn lecture, chubbyass!" I chastised.

Greed spoke up, "Wait... Gluttony may have a point. This is probably our last moment together. Let's spend it amicably."

"Amica-what?"

Greed patted Ed, already commencing this amica-crap. "You know... you can actually be a pretty darn cool kid if you calmed down half the time."

"And, Gluttony," Lust began, "you were a very good partner in crime."

"I need to live for my brother Al," Ed stated, clenching his fists as if all determined and whatnot. "But if I do have to die, I'm okay with having to die with you all. Makes me seem heroic to sacrifice my life while fighting the Homunculi. Al would have been proud."

"He is proud of you," Greed responded.

"Are you guys serious here?" I gagged. "Why are you guys saying cheesy stuff now? Where's the goddamn camera? Are we shooting a drama movie or something?"

The fire came closer, and we gasped and hugged someone nearby. Somehow, I ended up with that Pride kid.

"You know," I breathed, "you know how I said I hate you."

"Yeah."

"Yeah, well, I do hate you. But to tell you the truth, I don't hate you that much."

"Really? You mean it?"

"Y-yeah—"

Greed bellowed, "WAIT A SEC! WE CAN STILL ESCAPE OUT THE FRONT DOOR!"

"Ooh, never mind." I pushed Pride aside, and we all scrambled to the exit. The problem was, there were too much of us piling against the entrance. That resulted to obstruction and us shoving and viciously kicking one another to get out first.

Finally, I managed to swing the door open, and we squeezed our way out. At last, we stumbled into the front yard, blanketed by the vast night sky. Breathing hard and absorbing the enticing fresh air, we assumed we were safe—

Vroooommm!

Aroused, we glanced at the direction of the mysterious engine noise to see Sloth driving Wrath's car. Toward us.

"Uhhh," Ed started rather nervously, "what's he doing?"

Sloth drowsily grinned at us, and then, his eyelids began to droop.

Before we could do anything, his whole frame collapsed against the wheel of the car, and he was dead asleep. The car engine, however, was still active, and the unmanned car approached us at quite a terrifying speed.

"IT'S GONNA CRASH INTO US!" I realized, and the rest of us screamed along. "RUN BACK INSIDE!"

We pushed and jostled and scrambled back inside. Ed briskly closed the front door just in time for the car to collide into it—it shook the entire house and caused us all to lose our balance. I felt an immense heat pressing against our backs and turned to see that the fire was humongous now. It had already made its way upstairs, obliterating everything in its path.

"Crap! So, what now?" Greed demanded urgently.

"I DON'T WANT TO DIE!" Lust complained and sank to her knees. "I want to live... I'm just so goddamn beautiful... This is so unfair!" She began to emit nerve-wracking sobs.

Gluttony regarded our crestfallen selves with minimal interest, and murmured offhandedly, "I'm hungry."

"This is not the time!" Ed scolded. "You wanna eat? Eat the fire—" His eyes brightened and he snapped his fingers. "Whoa, wait a minute! Gluttony, eat the fire with that eye in your stomach! That's what you did when you went against Roy Mustang, remember?"

We perked up, revived by that magnificent idea. "Go on, Gluttony!"

"But..." Gluttony started tentatively, shifting his weight from foot to foot, "I wanna eat hot dogs."

"Dammit, Gluttony! Eat the (bleep)in' fire or I'll (bleep)in' kill you, you (bleep)in' fatass!"

We spun around and gasped at Pride in shock, but he merely shrugged in a nonchalant manner. "What? I live with Wrath."

Gluttony squealed, frightened by the threat, and revealed his stomach thingy. The slit of the eye stretched open to substantiate the imposing iris, and it began to suck in the fire.

Pride's POV:

After a while, Gluttony finished absorbing the fire, along with several pieces of furniture. But what was left were charred ruins that replaced the grand mansion from before.

In the middle of the rubble, we stood there limply, unsure of what to do next. After all, we had just suffered from at least something today, with Lust and her make-believe beauty, Envy and his baldness, (I do not want to talk about myself), and so on.

Envy kicked a rock despondently. "I can't believe it... All my hair products, burned."

"You don't have any more hair," I pointed out, and he scowled at me.

"And who's fault is that, little girl? You want a mini-skirt to go with your face?" he retorted, although not as snidely and provocatively as usual. He situated himself on a burnt piece of wall, with his shoulders slouched. Mostly everyone was in the same state. I sighed and sat down as well.

At first, there was a heavy silence, but then someone began to chuckle lowly. Soon, it elevated into a blatant and mocking laugh.

We turned to Greed.

"OH, HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!" Greed cackled, finding something extremely hilarious. He hugged his stomach, while he guffawed uncontrollably and wiped the tears at the corners of his eyes. "OH, MY GOD! THIS IS TOO GOOD! I MEAN, LOOK AT ALL OF YOU!

"Gluttony, you're friggin' naked! Lust, you're extra ugly today—no one knew that was possible! Pride, you're a tiny cross-dresser! Ed, you had to wash Gluttony's armpits, and with those baggy clothes, you look even more puny! Sloth, you're practically dead in the car, probably suffering from internal bleeding by that crash, and, Envy, you're effin' bald!

"BUT HOW ABOUT ME, HUH? I'M CLEAN! NOTHING HAPPENED TO ME! SO HAHAHAHA TO THE REST OF YA! IN YOUR FACES! I DO GET EVERYTHING I WANT!"

Greed laughed and laughed and laughed.

We stared at him darkly and piercingly. Slowly, we rose from our respective seats, prepared to murder.

"Let's bury him alive."

Wrath's POV: (present time)

"Yeah, so that was how it happened," Selim finished. "Greed wanted us to bury him, and so we did."

"WHAT? LIES! NOW CAN SOMEONE HELP ME OUTTA HERE?" Greed struggled under the layers of dirt, but we all ignored him.

"Oh, my! So it was an accident!" my wife cried, sounding relieved, and she tightly hugged her son. "Oh, it must have been so hard for you! I'm so sorry! You get no punishments, okay?" Pride shot me an arrogant smirk, while he returned her embrace.

"Oh, hell no," I condemned. "Now I gotta step in. No punishments? For the last time, woman, open your damn eyes. WE HAVE NO HOUSE! WHERE ARE WE GOING TO SLEEP TONIGHT? IN THE EFFIN' STREETS? All of these creeps killed my house! So, I'mma draw the line here!"

I took out a pen from my breast pocket and melodramatically drew a line on the floor. "All right! I'm kicking you all out!"

The Homunculi sharply inhaled. "But we have no home!"

"ME NEITHER, BUDDY!" I bellowed.

"Bradley!" my wife censured with a frown. "Look, if they have no home to stay in... then we're all in this together. Let them stay with us; it was simply an accident!"

I yelled, "Stultus es! [You are a fool!] Omnes vos estis molestiae! [You are all annoying!]"

"Molest?" Envy questioned. "Or are you doing a Harry Potter spell or curse or whatever?"

"Clausit super eum! [Shut him up!]" I shouted. "You know what I hate you guys so much that I'mma speak in Latin!"

"You see, the problem is that we have no shelter," my wife stated, as if it wasn't so damn obvious already.

"Well," Ed offered carefully, "there's always this place..."

We walked to the "place" Ed mentioned. Speaking of which, he even tagged along for some reason, although I never gave him permission to stay with us. And why were the Homunculi still here? No me gusta.

Ed knocked on the door and stepped back. We waited... and waited...

And then, the door opened.

Roy Mustang.

Oh, ho.

His eyes bulged when he saw us, and he quickly tried to close the door—

My foot jammed against the door to stop him. "Non ita est ieiunium. [Not so fast.]"

Roy blinked blankly at me for a lengthy interval. "What are you saying? Anyway, I'm sorry, Führer... and friends, but I'm very busy right now. So haha, cheerio!" He was evidently trying to hide something and like hell was I just going to let him get away with it.

With a vigorous shove, I pushed the door outta my way. The rest of us clambered in just in the nick of time to see Riza Hawkeye dart to the kitchen, in a lame attempt to conceal herself.

"Ah, ha~! Non mirabilis! Dominae amicus est hic! [No wonder! Your lady friend is here!]" I shouted, exulting over success at having caught him red-handed, and regarded Roy. "Um...Vivamus... Vivamus... lo... Actually, I'm just gonna say it. We need a place to stay so you don't mind if we stay here, right?"

"Uh—"

"Sure you don't!" I cheered mirthfully, patting his back. "My whole house burned down. Oh, and by the way, my wife gave birth to, like, seven more kids, so they're all gonna stay here, too."

"WHAT?"

The Homunculi and Ed grinned at him. "Yo, Roy... Ready to... roll?"

Roy was having a difficult time respiring, while trying to analyze the situation—and he was probably having a stroke over that retarded "ready to roll" shit. We ain't animals. "Y-you... Them... Stay... here? In my... house? We... Us together... in one house?" he spluttered, and then, he choked and plopped on the ground, immediately unconscious.

We scrutinized him for a while, observing the wonders of fainting.

"Oi," Envy started, "it looks like he's not breathing. Someone, do mouth-to-mouth CPR."

We all pointed at one another.

A/N: Warning: Inaccurate Latin translations, retrieved from the service Google Translate—and we all know how reliable that is.

Next chapter — Who will give mouth-to-mouth resuscitation to Roy Mustang? And, it will feature Pride/Selim at school with a surprising (ehh... maybe) teacher! Also, Pride will witness something horrifying with his parents! So, please leave a review—

Wrath: Bah! What a goddamn boring author! You gotta give the readers what they want! And you wanna know what that is? Faaaaanservice~ So, readers, review what you wanna see! Some characterXcharacter (I'm married, but I don't mind being with the busty Lust ^^), some yaoi, yuri, some humiliation, like hell I care!

So, my readers, who are avid fans of me, leave a review and you'd better say you love Wrath/Bradley/the Führer. Whichever of the three is fine— as you can readily tell, I'm not the demanding type of guy, so I'm giving you three options here.

Pride: No. Leave a review if you think I'm cute.

Wrath: Great, now NOBODY's gonna review.

Pride: Prove him wrong, readers.