Chapter 2: The Realisation

Jay's observations played over in Antonio's thoughts all day. The more he thought about what Jay had said the more he wondered if Jay could be right. It was undeniable that Voight did all those things but did that mean that Voight thought more of him than the rest of them? That he thought he was special?

It was getting late when Antonio looked up from his desk to realise he was the only one left. The only one except Voight, who was arse deep in paperwork too.

Antonio knew why he was still here, an empty house wasn't exactly a great incentive to get up and go home, but what was Voight doing? Was he using paperwork as an avoidance tactic too? If so, what was he avoiding?

Antonio grabbed his jacket and instead of heading for the door he found his feet taking him in the opposite direction.

He knocked on the door of Voight's office and poked his head inside.

"Hey Voight." What are you doing? You'll screw everything up! The sensible part of his brain screamed, while the other part, whatever that was, urged him on. "Wanna grab a drink?"

Voight looked up at him curiously. Antonio stared back, wondering what exactly was going on in the sergeant's mind at that moment. Would he accept? Would he refuse? Which was preferable? Antonio knew that when Voight did answer he was still unlikely to ever learn his motives. Voight liked to play his cards close to his chest when it came to personal matters.

"Yeah, alright," Voight answered after a pause, throwing his pen down, "sounds good Antonio." He stood up and grabbed his jacket. "Sure beats the shit outta this."

xxx

Antonio downed his first two drinks within thirty seconds of setting foot in the bar. They found a table out of the way and ordered a few more. It wasn't long before Antonio started to feel the buzz from the alcohol and he forced himself to slow down, certain that losing his inhibitions tonight would lead to saying something that he knew he shouldn't. So when the next drink arrived, he nursed it. Of course Voight noticed because he was a cop and it was in their nature to notice things.

"Everything alright Antonio?" Antonio noticed for the second time that night, there was something about the way that Voight said his name. He always used his first name Antonio realised.

"Yeah," he lied. The lie was about nothing in particular because pretty much everything in his life was wrong. Being back in the field was about the only thing he was happy with. He stared into his drink as he thought.

He didn't want another wife. He'd been there, done that. He did want someone though. Someone who wouldn't bust his balls for giving one hundred percent to the job he loved. Someone who would understand. It seemed unlikely he'd ever find a person like that given his commitment to the police.

"Hey." Voight bumped his hand against the back of Antonio's where it was wrapped around the glass. He looked up at Voight's concerned face. "What's my rule?"

"The dating one?" Antonio blurted out before he thought, which was totally unlike him. What was the matter with him tonight? Bloody Jay, that's what. He was gonna have to punch the idiot at training tomorrow for putting stupid ideas in his head.

"No, the one I actually give a damn about." Voight's dark eyes watched him closely. He was waiting for an answer. Waiting for the truth.

"You want the truth? I don't know. I don't know what the matter is..."

"You've had a lot to deal with lately, with getting back on the job and your family. How are things at home?" That was something Antonio knew he definitely didn't want to talk about. It sucked having his family gone. Everything he'd built, everything he thought would be the rest of his life, was gone. To avoid it he asked a question instead.

"Why'd you stay back so late at the office Sarge?"

"Same reason as you I suspect. Nowhere better to be." Man, the night was turning into a total downer and when Antonio realised how pathetic they were both being, Jay's voice popped into his head. What if he went out with someone on the team? ...and had a good time. The thought prompted him to knock back another drink, slamming the empty glass determinedly down on the table when he was done.

"Life is what you make it right?" he declared. Voight watched him carefully for a few moments longer, before letting his own mood relax. He held up his glass.

"I'll drink to that."

xxx

Erin's pep talk or whatever the hell it had been kept playing on his mind. Now that she'd mentioned it, he was kinda lonely and however hard he racked his brain about who could fill that void, there was one person his thoughts kept wandering back to.

So he'd accepted Antonio's invitation.

Gender had never been make or break for him. He either liked a person or he didn't. And Antonio? Antonio he liked a lot. He was cool. He owned the tough guy persona because he was the real deal. Coulda been a boxing champ if he hadn't given it up for the force. He'd sacrificed that to serve and protect. Selfless and brave to a fault.

Despite Antonio's sombre mood at the start of the evening things had relaxed and they'd managed to have an okay time. Antonio had talked a lot, about everything and nothing, past cases, old buddies, whatever popped into his head.

"...it was that Gradishar bitch from IA that got him killed."

Antonio was talking about an old partner that had committed suicide because Gradishar had pinched him on a payroll technicality. It sounded like exactly the kinda of thing the ambitious and talentless cop would do.

"That's a lousy break to catch. She coulda pinched just about anyone for that on her way up."

"Yeah and then she has the hide to ask me to rat on you."

"So no matter what, you wouldn't have helped her?"

"Hell no."

The thought disappointed him. Voight realised he'd been kinda hoping Antonio had done that for him.

Antonio slipped his jacket on.

"Time to call it a night, I think they're closing up."

Voight glanced around to find the bar all but empty and a quick look at his watch told him it was close to midnight. For the second time in as many minutes Voight found himself disappointed. Now that the evening was drawing to a close he'd have to say goodbye to Antonio. He didn't want to. Though he hated to admit it, maybe Erin was right. Maybe there was someone he cared about more than he realised and maybe that person was right in front of him.

"We don't have to. My place isn't too far from here." The words were out before he thought about how that might sound.

"Sure, okay," Antonio shrugged. Voight didn't question it, he just got up and headed for the door, unexpectedly and secretly thrilled by the fact that Antonio was by his side.

xxx

"You want another drink?" Voight called from the kitchen.

"Na, I'm good. Thanks."

Now that he was here Antonio wasn't exactly sure what he was doing. Alcohol had a tendency to do that.

Voight settled down beside him on the couch with a glass of something amber in his hand.

"Kinda strange to have this much time to ourselves," Antonio commented to fill the silence.

"Remind me to thank the bad guys for taking a night off," Voight said, taking a sip of his drink. He was the most relaxed Antonio had ever seen him.

"But what would we do without them?"

"Well, you'd be an Olympic gold medallist and I'd..." Voight trailed off, but Antonio was suddenly desperate to hear the answer.

"You'd what?"

"I dunno," Voight shrugged, swallowing another mouthful. "There isn't really another option, being a cop isn't something you do, it's something you are. If you're good one anyways..."

Antonio got that. The pull of the police force was something he hadn't been able to resist and he really couldn't imagine his life any other way. He wondered if that held true for the others on the team. Jay for one hadn't started out as police.

"I don't know if Jay's a cop. I think he's still a soldier."

"What's the difference?"

"He lacks subtlety."

Voight actually smiled at that. "It's a fine line, knowing when to hold back and when to hit out."

"You walk that line pretty well."

"I've had a lot of practice and you're not so bad yourself."

"I'm not sure I could make the calls you do."

"What are you talking about? You're a brilliant cop."

"I'd never have gotten Diego back without you."

"I don't believe that but I'm glad I could help."

Antonio dropped his head. He didn't feel worthy of the praise.

Voight had always believed in him, even when Antonio was too stubborn and self-righteous to return the favour.

"I think you're too good to me."

"Hey. Look at me."

Voight's gravelly voice held a note of concern that Antonio had rarely heard from the other cop and he forced himself to look up. Voight deserved that much after everything he'd done for him.

"You're one of the best cops I know so don't you go getting any stupid ideas because Laura couldn't handle it. She's the one that walked away so that's her problem, not yours."

"You want me on the team that bad?"

"I want you on the team that bad."

"Why?"

The question hung heavily in the air between them until Voight reached up and fastened his hand on the back of Antonio's neck, looking him straight in the eye and forcing him to maintain eye contact.

"You really are one of the best. I love seeing you work. The stuff you come up with is invaluable. Like those insulin boxes for the bullets. It took you all of five seconds to figure that out. And when you went UC with that Vadala cowboy. Jesus, any of the rest of us woulda ate lead for sure but not you. You kept your cool and handled the situation. It damn well wouldn't be the same without you there."

Antonio was a little taken aback by the fierce and genuine way Voight spoke, and the thought that occurred to him was that Jay was right. He'd been spot on in his assessment of Voight's feelings. Voight did put him above the others. Antonio was flattered and the answer he managed seemed weak in comparison but he didn't know what else to say.

"Thanks boss."

And as he continued to look into Voight's eyes Antonio knew he could make him break his rule. He vaguely wondered just how drunk they were because he could see that Voight wanted him and he himself wasn't completely opposed to the idea.

But he also knew he didn't want to. He didn't want to compromise Voight's integrity within his own unit, he respected him too much for that. Pulling away was much harder than he expected but it was the right thing to do.

"I should probably get going." Voight dropped his hand and watched him carefully.

The moment threatened to grow awkward, so Antonio put a smile on his face and made light of it.

"I've got this pain in the arse boss that won't be happy if I show up late for work in the morning."

"I'm sure he'd let you get away with it this once."

Shit. It didn't look like Voight was gonna give up and besides, Antonio didn't like all this cloak and dagger crap between friends. They spent enough time bullshitting the rest of the world without doing it to each other.

"Cards on the table Sarge?"

"You know I always want the truth from you."

"Halstead and Lindsay asked me to ask you out. They wanted you to break your rule so they could break it too. I didn't think that'd be the case but I asked you out anyway. And now, even though I kinda want you to, I don't think you should break it. Does that make sense?"

"They obviously don't know me as well as they think they do."

"That's what I said."

Voight was silent as he mulled it over. Antonio assumed he was planning what to do with Erin and Jay, but his next question didn't reflect that.

"What do you mean 'kinda'?"

"I don't know, this is all pretty weird. Not something I ever imagined would happen."

"That doesn't mean it couldn't."

Antonio wished he hadn't had quite so much to drink. He tried to come up with something noncommittal.

"This isn't a test?" It wouldn't be the first test he'd put one of them through after that whole thing with Jay and Lonnie's murder.

"No. Halstead and Lindsay need to learn that they do what I say, not what I do. Besides, what I do is none of their goddamed business."

"I'm still not sure what that means."

"It means, do what you like Antonio. I'm not gonna kick you off the team for anything that happens in the next five minutes."

Was that an ultimatum? Was this a now or never thing? He didn't have the brain power to process something this big after he'd had so much to drink. He didn't want to lose the opportunity but he didn't want to fuck it up either. He decided honesty was the best policy.

"Can I get a raincheck on those five minutes? I think I need to think about this."

Voight watched him a second longer before his face became unreadable and he leaned back and reached for his drink.

"Sure Antonio. Whatever you want."