"Good aftanoon, gentamen. Coopa." Kripke was smiling as he plopped down next to a suspicious Howard. "So, uh...What the fwig is yo wast name?"
"Wolowitz," he bit.
"Wight. Anyway, wood awound the stweet is yo chipmunk fantasy wady is in Awtadena tomowwow."
"You know about her?"
"Woxanne toad Weonard, Weonard toad me."
Howard feigned disinterest. "I don't care. I'm married now."
"Yes, but how much do you want to bet she dumps yo sowwy bottom when she hears yo Mossy Gwossman song?"
Howard went still, his cutlery hovering above his food. "What?"
"I'll keep my mouth shut if you do me some favas...Say, pet-sitting on Fwiday, just fo stottas?"
Howard tried to look impassive. "Good luck trying to find her."
"I aweady have, and she is hot. Wook." Kripke turned his phone so Howard could see the Facebook image. "What do ya think?"
"Yeah, she's...she's not bad."
"Anyway, thing is, she and I aw goin' on a date on Fwiday. Unwess you want me to bwing up yo lame twibute, I'd stot kissing my ass if I were you. Wata!" Kripke left jauntily.
"Great," Howard groaned. "The last thing I want to do is cater to Kripke."
"So don't do it," Leonard told him. "You were fourteen; it's done."
"I don't want Marcy Grossman to know The Song!" Howard exclaimed. "I'd die of embarrassment!"
"Physical impossibility," Sheldon noted impassively, and continued to quietly eat.
"Come on, dude, you've had plenty of embarrassing moments," Raj pitched in. "So many that were so severe, how bad would it really be if she found out?"
Howard looked stonily at him. "Congratulations, I just hired you to help me."
-0-0-0-0-
"That's his house?"
Raj and Howard looked up in shock at the attractive semi-villa.
"That's his house," Raj confirmed.
"And he said I'd be doing him a favor," Howard muttered, as they got out. Walking up the brick path, he pushed the doorbell. Kripke pulled it open in the space of a few breaths. "Wight on time. Thank you for not widing yo wame scoota."
"It's a motorbike," Howard defended.
"Whateva. I don't have time to tell you yo wong...again. There's a wist on the dinna table; I'll see you in a few." Kripke nodded begrudgingly at them as he passed, letting himself out.
"So what do we do here?" Raj asked, as they walked through the elegant ivory hall.
"Enjoy it!" was Howard's answer.
They stopped in the living room, where three dogs all quietly and gently played with one another. "Aww, look how cute they are!" Raj crooned. "So darling!"
Howard rolled his eyes. "I was wrong. I didn't give up a night with a woman after all."
"Come on. You can't tell me they're not adorable." Raj sank onto the plush couch. "I guess even dogs need friends."
"Dogs need humans to pick the poop from their fur," Howard responded. "Oh, nice, he's got a pool, too?"
"Howard," Raj said, and Howard looked at him. "This is what Cinnamon is missing. When I'm at work, she's all alone."
"So your solution is to have two dogs in one apartment?" Howard asked skeptically.
Raj gestured to the dogs. "Look how close they are."
Howard stared at the dogs. "Fine, but before you make any decisions, have her spayed. I don't want you showing up on my doorstep with a box of puppies. Hell, I don't want you showing up on my doorstep with two pounds of spicy Indian food and illegal copies of Baywatch."
Raj's smile dimmed. "You said you enjoyed those nights."
"I'm a compulsive liar," Howard said, and leaned against the wall. "Don't look at me like that; you think you're so p - " His words died when he bumped into a picture on the wall, knocking it to the linoleum floor and smashing the glass. Both scientists and all the dogs jumped. "Oh, damn, damn, damn," Howard uttered, as he knelt.
"You're in trouble now," Raj said ominously.
"He's gonna kill me!"
"Where's your infamous 'I'm an engineer' speech?"
"I can't just tape it back together - now he's gonna tell her about The Song no matter what I do for him!"
Raj shrugged. "Then, your work here is done."
"What, you mean just leave it like this?"
"Yeah, essentially. It's a smash 'n dash."
Howard stood. "Just...keep the dogs away from the shards." He stood and went in search for a broom. When he returned, Raj had let the dogs out into the backyard. Howard began to sweep up the glass. "I'm just gonna hang the picture and hope he doesn't notice."
Raj shook his head. "You realize you're a dead man."