Disclaimer: I don't own DBZ, Ranma, Trigun, or anything else for that matter. In fact, I can barely afford the keyboard that I'm typing with, so please don't sue me!
Author Note: "Okay, the Goz got the ball rolling, but now it's my turn. Let the insanity ensue!" (said the Baron)
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The Things of Life: CH.2 The Search for Disciples
In the middle of Antarctica, a lone figure stood alone in the raging blizzard. He was a little bald fellow, not quite five feet tall, and he was wearing a dark black robe. To his dismay, the snowflakes in the air suddenly stopped moving.
"Just great!" he mumbled, rolling his eyes. "It's so cold that even time froze! He had better get here soon..."
Just then, the ground in front of the cloaked figure exploded with light! When the light dimmed, Shenron, the Eternal Dragon, became visible... in a showercap.
"This had better be good, Krillin," the dragon boomed. "I was just washing my hair!"
"Oh, eternal dragon, allow your servant to point out that you don't have any hair," Krillin replied. "Now, for why I summoned you... As your Grand Inquisitor (and PR manager), I thought you should be informed of recent goings-on. A large, purple fool from outer space is running around spouting nonsense and leading people astray! What do you want me to do about it?"
"Hmm... What is he saying?" Shenron asked curiously.
"He is stereotyping dragons and insulting the sacred lobsters, Sir!" Krillin said angrily.
Shenron was furious! "How dare he? This blasphemous nonsense cannot be allowed to continue! Put the nincompoop to death, Grand Inquisitor Krillin!"
With that, the Eternal Dragon disappeared, returning to the center of the earth to finish his shower. Krillin stood alone in the snow, absolutely motionless. Then, an evil smile passed over his face. "Yes, Sir!" he smirked.
Krillin the Grand Inquisitor then blasted off in search of the rambling purple poltroon known as "King Cold"...
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KNOCK! KNOCK! KNOCK!
"Eh? Who could that be?" wondered Master Roshi. The Turtle Hermit wasn't used to door to door salesmen on his tiny island in the middle of the Pacific, although he did have to chase off evangelists every now and again. It could be one of the Z-fighters, but he wasn't expecting any of them.
"Well, baby, you'll have to excuse me while I get rid of this spoil-sport," he said, staring lovingly across the candlelit table at the love of his life. He gently closed her cover and put the latest issue of Playboy back in the vault before hurrying downstairs.
Master Roshi opened the door, saying, "I don't want to buy anything and I am a devout Taoist. Now, with that said, may I help you?"
He found himself staring at a large purple knee. "Yes, allow me to introduce myself. I am the legendary King Cold, and I am here to teach you about the glorious Things of Life!" the knee said.
Master Roshi growled, "Hey, what part of 'devout Taoist' didn't you understand? Besides, I make it a rule to never associate with planet-destroying emperors or their parents. Go away!"
The Turtle Hermit abruptly slammed the door shut and began walking away, when King Cold's muffled voice reached his ears. "Oh, won't you reconsider? The Things of Life bring joy and good things to all who follow them!"
Have you ever heard of "they hear what they want to hear"? Well, allow me to show you the inner workings of Master Roshi's brain: bring good things bring magazines free magazines
Master Roshi's door exploded as the crazy old man plowed right through it, knocking King Cold down onto the sandy beach. The purple prophet looked up to see the bizarre old coot standing on top of him.
"Where do I sign up?" he asked with his trademark cackle.
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"Ah, curse that Ranma Saotome! Not only does he monopolize the affections of my loves, but he also uses cheap tactics to defeat me in combat!"
Tatewaki Kuno (Ranma 1/2) was angrily ranting inside of his castle of a house. After losing to Ranma time and time again, the young swordsman was really starting to get frustrated. What was a young fool in love (with two girls, one of them Ranma him/herself) to do?
"How can I defeat him? I demand an answer from on high!" he roared.
"Before you can overcome your rival, you must first overcome yourself. Thus saith the Things of Life!" a voice boomed.
"Yes, quite so! Oh, how wonderful; the kami themselves are answering my plea!" Kuno happily exclaimed.
"Not exactly," the voice replied. Kuno looked upward to see King Cold, his head jammed between two tree branches.
"I was flying a little low, and I couldn't help but notice this wonderful, beautiful tree..." he began to explain. Before he could tell the whole story, Kuno hopped upward and chopped the offending branches off. King Cold fell to the ground with a mighty thud, creating a tiny crater in the ground.
"Even if you are not the kami, I still wish to hear your teachings," Kuno said respectfully. "You seem to have much wisdom, oh purple one."
King Cold seemed to consider, then answered, "Well, since you saved me from that deceptively harmless tree, I think I will take you on as my disciple."
"Ah, thank you master!" Kuno said with a bow.
"Hmm... Spreading the Things of Life is proving easier than I thought it would be!" King Cold thought.
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Next on his "likely convert list" was Vegeta, Prince of Saiyans.
"Oh, Vegeta, might I trouble you to--"
BLAM!
King Cold flew off, riding Vegeta's power blast off into the distance.
"Pathetic purple putz!" Vegeta growled.
Right before he lost consciousness, King Cold thought, "Note to self: do not try to convert people who have onion-shaped heads (i.e. Saiyans). As the Things of Life say, they are pesky little varmits, and cranky to boot..."
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King Cold received similiar greetings from the other "non-onion-people" on his list. After getting Tri-beamed by Tien, Emperor-blasted by Chiaotzu, Wolf-Fang-Fisted by Yamcha, Special Beam Cannoned by Piccolo, Megaton-punched by Hercule, and cussed-out by Mr. Popo, the discouraged monarch found himself wandering around a mysterious desert.
"I say, perhaps all of this proselytizing isn't as easy as it at first seemed!" he panted, climbing over a sand dune. On the other side, he saw a large boulder.
"Hooray! Shade!" he rejoiced. He ran down to where the boulder was, grabbed it, and placed it on top of his head.
"Ah... Much better!" he said happily. Just then, he noticed a strange-looking man passing by. He was a tall fellow with spiky blond hair, and he wore shades and a red trenchcoat. King Cold also noticed that he was packing heat (and a canteen).
"Oh, young fellow, come here!" Cold exclaimed.
Vash the Stampede (Trigun) looked up in amazement at the purple giant before him. "My gosh, look at that guy!" he thought."He's enormous! I'll bet his strength matches his size; wearing that boulder on his head must be a part of his training."
Cautiously, Vash approached the jolly violet giant. "May I have a tiny drink from your canteen?" Cold asked. Vash nodded, giving him the canteen. He became a little upset, however, when the weirdo drank every last drop of it!
"Hey! That was all of my water!" Vash shrieked.
"I'm sorry; a tiny drink for me is a rather large drink for little people like you," Cold replied apologetically. "Remember, though: your sacrifice was made in the name of love and peace, two of the Things of Life."
"Love and peace?" Vash yelled excitedly, forgetting his water. "Hey, that's my motto, too!"
"Indeed?" King Cold asked. "Then you ought to study the Things of Life under me as my disciple! How about it?"
Vash considered the offer. "There is something very strange about this guy, but I can't put my finger on it. Oh, well. Anyone who touts love and peace can't be all bad! Besides, with the Gung-ho Guns trying to kill me right now, lying low would probably be a good idea anyway."
"Sir," Vash said in his "serious" voice, "You have gained yourself a disciple!"
"Oh, good!" Cold laughed. "Now, let me see... With Master Roshi, Kuno, and Mr. Spiky Hair, I now have eight students (poor King Cold... math was never his strong point). That's enough to begin work on the Temple of the Things of Life!"
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Soon afterward, the Inquisition flew by in the form of a pint-sized executioner. Krillin flew down and examined the discarded boulder.
"Two holes... horn holes!" the bald little fellow exclaimed. He then pulled out his extremely complicated scientific instrument, shook it, and peered into the bottom of the Magic 8-ball.
It said: "Yup. A guy is a gent, a lady is a dame. Something stupid this way came."
"Aha! I knew it..." Krillin muttered. "Just you wait, King Cold. Your days are numbered!"
END OF CHAPTER 2
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Well, that's it for chapter two. I hope you folks liked this chapter, but please leave a review regardless. After all, "feedback is an author's best friend" (or somethinglike that).
I, the Goz, have agreed to finish this travesty on my own. Please be patient for the next chapter , because it is on the way. In the meantime please review, wont you?