One (or why no one was asked about the movie)
"We're home!" Lois called two hours later as she and her friends entered the front door. No one answered her. Meg peeked into the house from her perch behind Loretta Brown.
"Well, they're all inside the house," Meg noted.
And she was right. Brian, Cleveland, Joe, Peter, and Quagmire were all playing Pick Up Sticks on the floor, not saying a word. Peter took a stick from the top of the pile, and none of them moved. He made a sighing motion, but no noise was heard from him. Stewie watched them intently, clutching Rupert the teddy bear with a bit more malevolence than usual.
"Are they all okay in there?" Bonnie Swanson asked, clutching pregnant belly. She moved next to Meg, where she saw Quagmire attempt to take a stick, but the pile collapsed onto his lap. Quagmire slapped his forehead while Cleveland made laughing movements. Again, no sound was exchanged.
Lois charged into the house, stepping in front of the Pick Up Sticks. She looked down on every one of the men.
"Okay, what's going on?"
Brian took a sip of his martini, again refraining from saying anything. Peter shrugged, Cleveland was tight lipped, Joe attempted to wheel away before his wife stopped him, and Quagmire couldn't have said anything even if he wanted to, because at the moment he was getting a nice long look up Lois' shirt.
"Why are you not speaking?"
I want the money, Peter thought.
I have to win, Joe thought.
Nothing to say, Cleveland realized.
I'm a dog, Brian thought. I'm not really supposed to talk, but I can…
…Wow, Quagmire thought.
Lois stepped away and turned on the television. Immediately she found the channel she was looking for – MTV, or, as most people now call it, the Reality-TV-Nudity-and-Spring-Break-Madness-Special-Channel. She saw that they were – gasp – showing a music video with plentiful sensuous dancing, as required by MTV regulations.
As the sounds of 'Milkshake' filtered through the speakers, the boys turned from their game of Pick Up Sticks and listened to the song.
Don't ask what it is! Peter thought desperately.
I HATE this song, Brian thought spitefully.
Damn! It's the Pick Up Chicks Song! Quagmire thought, a sweat drop rolling down his forehead.
I think I've heard this song before, Joe realized. I THINK…
Whose turn is it? Cleveland asked himself, still focusing on the game of Pick Up Sticks.
Stewie smiled. He knew that someone would be compelled to sing along. Perhaps Lois wasn't completely useless. A vixen, yes. Useless, not at the moment. That meant Lois lived for a few more minutes than Stewie anticipated.
Stewie could already see Quagmire sweating. The guy was so predictable. Of course, he was also outrageously vulgar, and Stewie hadn't put that into the mix of things.
Quagmire stood up and left the room, presumably to go to the bathroom. Stewie watched him closely, trying to figure out what tricks he had up his sleeve.
Lois raised an eyebrow. "Do you guys think he looked okay?"
The boys nodded, again making no noise.
Bonnie was tired of this. She leaned her face in close to Joe. "All right, what is going on?"
Joe gave Bonnie the V for Victory symbol. Bonnie narrowed her eyes in confusion.
"Two words?" Bonnie asked.
Joe nodded, and then went straight into the charade.
He put his finger up in the air.
"First word," Bonnie nodded.
He put his finger to his lips and mimicked shushing someone.
"Uh… quiet!" Bonnie yelled. "Mute! Hush! Shush!"
Lois got into the act. "Calm! Is it calm down?"
At this point, Loretta decided to join. "Silent!"
Joe nodded fervently before he put up the V for Victory sign again.
"Second word," Meg said. She had decided to join.
Joe mimicked moving a game piece around a board. The girls all cocked their heads, utterly lost. Joe made the motion again.
"Um… mixing!" Lois yelled.
"Sprinkling!"
"Mowing the lawn!"
"Playing guitar!"
Joe gave the universal 'keep going' sign.
"Wait…" Lois realized. "Playing… playing… something…"
"Playing cards?" Meg asked.
"Not even close…" Stewie told them. But no one listened.
"Playing craps?" Lois asked.
"Maybe in their pants…"
"Playing Russian Roulette?" Loretta offered.
"They can't be playing Russian Roulette, Peter'd be dead by now,"
"Playing spin the bottle?" Meg offered.
"Nice," Stewie commented. "But completely off topic."
"Playing a board game?" Bonnie suggested.
Joe
made a motion as to say, "You're so close!"
"Silent…
board?" Lois said, cocking her head in confusion.
"Silent game!" Meg yelled. "Silent Game! You're playing the Silent Game!"
"That's disgusting," Loretta frowned. Lois frowned.
"Not THAT Silent Game," Lois sighed. "You know, the one where everyone is silent and the person who's quiet the longest wins."
Stewie looked around. "Currently, five people are… wait. Hasn't Quagmire been in the crapper for about five minutes? Geez…"
Stewie toddled off to the bathroom, forgetting completely about Quagmire's nature…
Stewie opened the bathroom door.
"What the hell are you doing! This is a freaking bathroom -! Holy shit, what the -!"
A/N: Oh boy, this story has absolutely no plot, doesn't it? Well, quite a few reviewer friends told me that screwball comedy is what I do best… and it looks like I'm trying to outdo myself… but this is better than some of my other stuff… but this also pushes the envelope more than any other story I've done… but I find it funny… Oh Lord my head hurts… just ignore this rant. (Peter: What the hell does rant mean?)
A/N 2: Ha ha… in the crapper… whenever someone says that I crack up for ten minutes…
DISCLAIMER: I don't own Family Guy or MTV or any other aforementioned products.