Chapter 2

Who Did it to Trina October 2011

Trina was starring in the one act play Tori was directing for playwriting class. I actually feel a little sorry for Tori. Due to familial loyalty she had to cast the untalented Trina in her play. I would feel more sorrow if Tori's suffering didn't make me want to smile like Cat in a candy factory. I went to the play with Cat because I had nothing better to do. It was my dad's weekend and Kelly's family was at the house for the weekend. My father was working late so if he wasn't at home I felt there was no reason for me to bother showing up. He didn't have to work late he just didn't want to be around them. Beck's aunt and her family were moving to a new house so he had to help them move. He was going to be occupied all weekend so I was spending the majority of the weekend with Cat. I appeared at my dad's house long enough so that my dad couldn't complain too much about not showing up for family time. Like he should talk! I came over Sunday afternoon, ate lunch with them, and stayed in my room until dinner time doing "homework". I was really alternating in between reading, writing, and watching the video I posted online of Trina's stunt gone wrong, her dangling from the ceiling, and being flung into the set. It was hilarious. It was worth the time we had to spend in Lane's office while he interrogated us trying to figure out who broke Trina's gamble. I wasn't surprised that I was a suspect. I mean I would jump at a chance to ruin Tori's play or anything related to Tori but I didn't do it. It was decided that it was just an old piece of equipment so no one got punished, which was disappointing. I was really hoping sweet sally peaches Tori Vega had done it.

Terror on Cupcake Street October 2011

The gang got involved with this lame parade. It would be shown on local t.v. I wanted nothing to do with it. I eventually got involved with it. I claimed that I wanted in on it because it was going to be on tv but that wasn't the truth. See, Beck was sent to buy coconuts for Sikowitz while the gang was agreeing to participate in the parade. He later found out about the parade from Cat who wanted all of her friends involved. Cat begged Beck until he agreed to be in the parade. He is such a pushover. Beck then tried to talk me into joining the parade so he wouldn't have to be on a stupid float all day without me there to make it more bearable. He's probably the only person on the planet that has uttered the words that I could make something more bearable. I refused yet somehow he talked me into it. He may be a pushover but he can be very convincing. Anyways, the stupid truck with the float on the back broke down in a sketchy neighborhood. Sikowitz abandoned us like usual and got arrested. Beck and Andre went to get help but came back after being jumped by some guys. Those guys better hope they don't run into me. I wasn't thrilled that Beck wanted to go get help but I read in my mother's cosmo that you shouldn't emasculate your guy by trying to protect him or going with him when he is trying to save the day. His masculine urge to save the day was also pretty hot. Meanwhile while the boys were gone, Tori had already left and soon came back with help. I allowed Tori to go by opening the door. I thought I should stay behind and protect the others. So Tori saved the day again. Hoo freaking ray! For the record I noticed that the diner across the street opened up and I figured Tori would notice and go there for help. It is not my fault that she did not notice and wandered around until she found help in an alley.

31 Horror Movies October 2011

Halloween is my favorite holiday. Beck and I just finished watching 31 horror movies for the month of October. It was my idea. We watched The Scissoring twice, so it was actually 32 movies! I wanted to watch The Scissoring Two again but Beck distracted me with his lips. I even made Halloween cookies. Beck's mom saw me give them to Beck and seemed displeased. She said my cookies were rather graphic. What's that suppose to mean? What are Halloween cookies suppose to look like if not graphic? Last weekend Beck took me to a movie in the Hollywood graveyard. That makes a girl happy! It was a dark and cool night. An old movie was playing, Dracula. We drank coffee cuddled up and watched the movie. I could not think of a more perfect date! Halloween night I wanted to toilet paper houses but Beck said no. We had to end up taking Cat trick or treating, her mom asked us too. It is certainly strange to take a teenage girl trick or treating. Luckily, Cat acts, dresses, and looks like a ten year old. Her mom gave me twenty bucks so I did it. Her parents have been really busy with her brother. He's in a "special hospital" in San Diego so they haven't been home much. This means that Cat has been hanging out with me more and spending the night at my house more often because she can't sleep alone in her house. What a baby. We should have put her on a leash because we constantly had to tell her to slow down or quiet telling strangers her life story and to not hug strangers just because they gave her candy! She should be grateful for what I am doing. She had the gull to be upset with me when I cut her off of candy for the night. She then sniffled for a good ten minutes. I later found out that Beck got her to stop sniffling by giving her a piece of candy behind my back.

Song Drama (Jade Gets Crushed) November 2011

Tori was busy so Andre asked me to help him finish writing a song and record the vocals for his song writing class. I wasn't thrilled with being second choice but Beck talked me into doing it. He explained that if I did helpful things, like help Andre with his song, I would be first choice more often. So I agreed to help Andre. I was suppose to meet Andre in the music lab but Sinjin sat on my favorite scissors and his bony behind made them lose their sciss. I was furious as I made my way to the music lab. Beck was there, to say goodbye to me for the day, and calmed me down. He promised to sharpen my scissors for me. Andre had writers block and was being annoying by trying to give up on the assignment. I don't like quitters. I got him refocused and taught him this little hand trick that makes your hand all tingly. It's something Beck did once when I had writers block. I ended up writing most of the lyrics and we finally recorded the lyrics just in time before the janitor had to lock up the music lab. While we were finishing the lyrics Andre started acting kind of weird. Usually he's really laid back and smooth but he kept fumbling his words and he seemed really nervous. He even said that he would email the finished song via the internet. Via the internet. It sounds like something an old grandma would say. Maybe he spends too much time around his grandma. Side note: Andre's grandma thinks I'm a vampire so whenever we have group assignments together we can't go to his house because it freaks his grandma out and then everything smells like garlic.

Beck thought he was acting strange too. I guess writers block does weird things to people. Writers block usually makes me either bitchy or really sad. I guess it makes Andre wonky. I was supposed to sing the song we wrote with Andre at the full moon jam but he texted me saying that he changed his mind. Our song was great and got him an A+ for song writing class but he wasn't feeling it for the full moon jam. He was going to sing a song with Tori. Naturally, I was pretty upset that Tori was chosen over me yet again. I've known Andre since freshman year and our song got him an A+. I couldn't understand why that wasn't good enough for him. Beck didn't understand either and asked him about it. I was upset that Beck confronted Andre and I let him know that. I can handle my own affairs but I let it go because I know Beck hates confrontation. Beck reported that Andre was scared to sing with me because I scared him with the whole throwing scissors thing. So I forgive Andre since he was scared of me and that's why he picked Tori. It still doesn't add up. I mean after we got to work he seemed fine for a while until he got all wonky. After I threw the scissors I didn't do anything else scary. I was actually pretty nice. I mean I helped him get over writers block. I guess that night he must have had nightmares of me throwing the scissors. Whatever. The song he sang with Tori was good but our song would have been better.

Thanksgiving with the Olivers November 2011

Thanksgiving was today, although I don't know what everyone was so thankful about. The Olivers invited my mom and I over for Thanksgiving dinner since they found out it was only going to be the two of us this year. I am not one to turn down time spent with Beck and my mom thinks it is a good idea to be friendly with the Olivers so that is how dinner happened. Beck's grandparents from Canada were down and his aunt,uncle, and cousins that live in LA were there as well. Since it was my first thanksgiving with the family they selected me to give the Thanksgiving prayer. My prayer was not well received. I don't know why I just told the truth. I had never been given the responsibility of the thanksgiving prayer so I guess my first endeavor was a failure.

Here goes my prayer (paraphrased more or less): Dear God, I don't believe anyone at this table goes to church regularly but since it's the holidays you get to hear from us. Don't judge us too harshly or send us a plague for our hypocritical actions. We will be glutinous with food today even though so many people in the world do not have any, particularly all of the people we have used to become more prosperous as a nation. All of our holiday food drives may alleviate our conscience this time of year but our designer outfits, manicured nails, and expensive cars make us look like hypocritical selfish people that will burn in the fires of hell. We may even give to charity but really enjoy that tax deduction that it comes along with. Then I started to say some stuff about the puritans and Native Americans. I also had some statistics about the deaths that occurred that long hard winter in which Thanksgiving started, the subsequent deaths that occurred within the tribes of the new world, and what it is like to freeze to death.

Then, Beck and my mom rudely interrupted me. As Beck's aunt scolded me I told her not to get so upset she might pop a button on her prada sweater, his uncle then berated me, while his cousins cried, my mother gulped down her wine, and Beck's parents tried to shove food down everyone's throats. Eventually everyone started to calm down and eat after Beck diffused the situation by apologizing on my behalf. According to him I didn't mean to be so harsh or graphic. "I express my thankfulness through remembering bad things and reflecting on them. I didn't mean to say anyone here was a hypocrite I was just saying how there are many hypocrites in the world. Right Jade." Beck said all of this and elbowed me to agree. I couldn't refuse his pleading brown eyes so I said yes and reluctantly quietly said I was sorry. After dinner the women went to clean up and the men went to watch football. I guess it's a good thing I was interrupted before I got to the part about sexism in my prayer. Afterwards, we played Pictionary and some other games. I won Pictionary. His aunt and uncle were not pleased I had won. Before dessert Beck and I took a walk. He wasn't mad about my prayer but explained to me why I couldn't be so honest around certain people. I thought honesty was supposed to be the best policy. He suggested that when I am around his family I should use my acting skills to not be quite so honest. Whatever!

2nd Year Anniversary December 2011

Tonight was me and Beck's two year anniversary date. Yesterday, Friday, was our actual anniversary. Cat brought us brownies at lunch. They were tasty. At the dentist office when I was in the waiting room I was reading an article about long lasting relationships. I was bored and the reading material is really limited. So I read that after a couple has been together a while, they have to prune their relationship. The article used a lot of really dumb gardening references that I will spare you. The bottom line is that you have to keep things fresh, partake in common activities, and make sex fun. So, obviously the article was for middle aged married women. Beck and I have been having sex for like six months so were good on that front. We have it all figured out now and we're really comfortable with it. Anyways, what I took away from the article is that life must really suck when you hit middle aged. I could relate to the article in the fact that Beck and I have been really busy lately. Since it is our anniversary I thought it was a good opportunity to take time to "prune" our relationship. That's what anniversaries are for. In fact, I had asked Beck, when we were celebrating our oneyear anniversary, why bother. He assured me that it was important to take some time and remind each other why you are together. It was a good excuse to have a nice dinner, if anything. He also reminded me it was a good way to say to others,"Hey we've been together for x amount of time. Look at us and look at your sad single self." That was music to my ears. He really knows me. Thus, I am pro celebrating anniversaries. Earlier tonight we went to a fancy restaurant. I had the shrimp alfredo. They couldn't even bother taking off the tails. Why would I want the tails? Seriously, no one wants the tails. Take them off. Beck told me that when we are rich famous Hollywood players he will slip the waiter extra money to have the chef take off the tails. I look forward to that day. After dinner we drove to our spot in the desert where we ate dessert and listened to our song, "I Got You Babe" by Sonny and Cher. It's super cheesy but it was the first song we danced too. He called me babe for the first time as a joke but it stuck and we've used the term ever since. We then had sex in his car. Don't judge. Where else are we supposed to do it? Sex in a car is a teenage rite of passage. Also, I will point out that car sex is a learning opportunity. Lesson number 1: wear a skirt if you plan on getting lucky. It just makes things easier and quicker, which is important since you're in a car and people could be near. I won't write about the other lessons car sex have taught me for I would have to be detailed and whoever one day reads this can learn for themselves. To sum it up, dinner, nostalgia, and car sex sum up a well spent anniversary.

The Ping Pong Team Plays Beer Pong December 2011

It's the time of the year when everyone is out of town skiing before Christmas or hitting the crowded malls. Beck's parents were skiing with his aunt and uncle for the weekend. They let him stay at home by himself, shocking, although they strongly suggested he invite Andre over to spend the weekend with him. Sure, two teenage boys home alone sounds like a great idea. The Vega's are doing their Christmas shopping. Cat's spending the night with Tori, since her parents are picking up her brother from a "special hospital" for the holidays. I don't want to have a sleep over with Cat around Christmas time. She is obsessed with the holiday. Although my plan was to tell my mom I was spending the night with Cat and Tori and Vega's house. I was actually spending the night at Beck's. We were all hanging out at Tori's house super bored. We were suppose to watch a movie but couldn't agree on what to watch. Robbie did some stupid spinner on his pear pad and it selected Cat. Cat chose that we watch some movie about princesses so we were all bored. We, Beck, Andre, Tori and I, received texts that James Johnson Kennedy's parents were out of town skiing so he was having a party at his house. James is alright if you ignore that his name sounds like a law firm. He lives a few blocks away from Beck so we drove to Beck's and then walked over. Beck and James were pretty good friends in middle school. As soon as we got to the party Andre took over as DJ, playing music as quietly as possible so the neighbors wouldn't find out about a party. Beck and I partook in some spiked punch. Tori and Cat hung out with some of the girls outside so that Tori could avoid Ryder Daniels. She embarrassed him so I don't see why she wants to avoid him.

The party was pretty tame. However, Robbie always screws everything up. Ryder Daniels and his friends were there playing beer pong. But Robbie was watching and laughed when Daniels missed the ball and tripped so he started messing with Robbie and told him he ought to play a round. Some idiot shouted, "Hey puppet boy is on the ping pong team, right." Beck, at this point, tried to intervene because Robbie's not the type that mixes well with alcohol. Also, Robbie looked like he was about to pee himself. Then, the same idiot from before, shouted,"Hey isn't Oliver on the ping pong team too?" Since Beck's not a wuss like Robbie he had to accept the challenge. They were playing in teams of two and as Robbie was about to repay Beck's favor by joining him I stopped him and joined Beck's team. I made Robbie hold my purse. I figured Robbie wouldn't be able to hold his alcohol and everyone else nearby was already drunk. He also has terrible aim. I also made them use clean cups. I guessed we might as well both be drunk. Everyone has to get drunk at some point, right. Neither Beck nor I have a ton of experience with alcohol but we have more than Robbie. We had to play against Ryder, who has it out for any of Tori's "friends" for humiliating him earlier this year. Ryder was already a little drunk as was his partner Brian. Beck and I won. Well, does anyone really win in beer pong?

Anyways, we may have won but it made us both drunk for the first time. According to Andre and Tori we are both very friendly drunks. Beck was drunk enough to call me Jadey in public and I was drunk enough to let him. I also may have called him Becky a few times. Beck and I went back to his house and Andre drove the rest home. We put on some coffee to help us sober up. We also made out. Before we went to bed I felt soberer but obviously my impeccable grammar skills were not back since soberer sounds stupid. Soberer is actually a word but it sounds stupid so it shouldn't be a word. Webster's should confer with me on these matters. This morning I woke up a bit confused and the first thing I said was, "André." That caused Beck to become wide awake. I guess I know how to wake him up if I ever need to. His freak out ended when he saw why I had said his best friend's name. Andre was asleep on the floor to the right of me. Apparently, after he had dropped off Tori and Cat he had gone back to the party because he got a text saying Keiko had arrived. "Andre never turns down fun with Keiko," stated Andre. To make a long story short Andre ended up getting drunk when he too was dared to play beer pong. When we started the fake ping pong team we were naïve freshman. We didn't know that by the time we were juniors we would be dared to play beer pong at every party. Everyone thought since we were on the ping pong team we would make the game interesting and competitive. So a drunken Andre knew that Beck's family keeps the spare key, under the gnome, and fell asleep. We understood what had happened. It took us a few moments for clarity to hit and ask why he was sleeping in Beck's room when he could have slept in the guest room or on the couch. Andre claimed that he vaguely remembered letting Beck know he was sleeping over and Beck tossed him an extra pillow. It landed at the end of the bed so Andre assumed he just decided to lay down there. He couldn't exactly remember. Suddenly Andre remembered that Robbie had gone back to the party with him when he had received Keiko's call. I swear Andre is so girl crazy that his common sense goes out the window. No one in their right mind would bring Robbie Shapiro back to a party willingly, especially round two of a party. Andre then panicked and asked, "Where's Robbie?" At this point we received another surprise when Robbie emerged from under a blanket on the floor at the end of the bed saying that his tummy hurt. Luckily, they were both gone within an hour and a half. We agreed to not speak of it again.

Beck and I were a bit hung over but by afternoon our weekend alone was salvaged and we were able to spend one more night together. I called my mom to tell her Cat, Tori, and I were extending our sleepover. We had to finish our horror movie/princess movie marathon. Obviously I would want horror movies and I could stand to watch some of the princess movies Cat liked, such as Princess Bride, Ever After, and the Princess Diaries movie. I'm so glad I can lie well. The key is to make it realistic with facts and details. In all actuality, Beck and I ordered in Chinese, had a Dark Shadows marathon, and did exactly what a boyfriend and girlfriend do when they're alone and lying to their parents.

Coffee, Crickets, and Christmas December 2011

Well, it is that time of year, again. Holidays can be so annoying. Between stupid decorations, annoying family members, ditzy shoppers, and people that start celebrating way to early I could do without any holiday. The only thing about holidays I like is the food and no school. Gifts are nice if they are good ones, they hardly ever are good. This "holiday season" wasn't completely awful but it had its moments. It certainly started out horrible because Sikowitz made us do a secret Santa gift exchange. I would have just not participated but the person that gave the worst gift had to go Christmas yodeling with Sikowitz. Thanks to Vega we had to suffer through Sikowitz Christmas yodeling three long songs. Will she ever learn to keep her mouth shut? To make matters worse I was Tori's secret Santa. I had so many ideas for what I could get her. However, those ideas would be the cause of me joining Sikowitz's Christmas yodeling and many would result in jail time or school suspension. I ended up helping her and Cat perform the Christmas song Andre had gotten a F on. Mr. Anthony rethought the grade and gave Andre an A, so my gift to Tori was a success. Cat was my secret Santa. She managed to get this Christmas on a much better path when she got me the actual scissors used in the movie The Scissoring! I have never received a better gift. While this was going on I had to deal with a grumpy boyfriend, which does not suit Beck! The boy can be calm anywhere anytime but if he doesn't get enough sleep he gets grumpy and annoying. Some stupid cricket was keeping him up all night for like two weeks. I told him to just call a bug murderer but he wouldn't. "It's just a cricket Jade I'm sure it will be gone soon enough or I will find it." It was not gone soon enough so I had to spend our classes together elbowing Beck to stay awake and letting him copy my notes. He couldn't sleep in the guest room, the living room couch, or the den because he had an aunt, uncle, and cousins visiting. I tried to be a good girlfriend so I got him coffee to help him stay awake. It backfired as he got addicted and he couldn't get enough. This made him all jittery and jumpy as if he were Cat. Luckily, Andre caught the cricket as his gift to Beck. Beck had fallen sleep after the performance so I was nice and let him sleep on my shoulder for a little while until I woke him up and drove him home. He was still exhausted and fell back asleep. I left his house so he could get some rest but I first sent him a little picture to wake up to so he would remember what he missed, me in a skimpy Santa dress.

Holiday Party Time December 2011

Well, it's that annual time of the year when holiday parties are held. Beck's parents had a gathering that some of his family was attending. Since at Thanksgiving Beck told me I should put my acting skills to good use when I was around his family I decided to do so. I entered the party and warmly said hello to everyone. I was on my best behavior, I made small talk about the weather, I smiled, I made comment about the beautiful holiday décor. Beck dragged me outside and asked me what the hell I was doing. I explained to him I was doing what he asked me too. I was being nice to his family. He told me it creeped him out. We compromised that I would try to tone down by blatant honesty and any hostility I was feeling. In exchange, if I was getting to honest, dark, or whatever Beck would give me a signal. It seemed to work for the rest of the party. I mean I won't be getting any Christmas cards from these people but they didn't kick me out.

Once Again It's Christmas December 2011

It is officially Christmas break. As a baker Beck's mom was super busy and as a dentist Beck's dad had an increase in cavities due to all of the extra sugar consumed at this time of year as well as chipped teeth due to all of the ancient fruit cake. My mom was busy with holiday benefits for the museum. Benefactors are extra generous this time of year. This allowed Beck and I a break from our parents supervision. We first made up for some lost time in between the sheets. We did our Christmas shopping, which was super stressful. Shoppers are numerous and the workers are all cheery. There is loud cherry music and stupid flashing lights. Fat men in Santa suits are walking the streets. If it was any other time of year they would be arrested. But no, since it is Christmas it is socially acceptable and they are paid to don red suits, fake beards, and talk to children. I hate shopping in general, especially over the holidays. In order to put me in a good mood for shopping Beck sexed me up before and when we came home I gave him some sex for putting up with my hatred of holiday shopping. Our little system works well. We also ended up helping Cat bake cookies. She couldn't do it at her house, don't ask me why I tuned her out when she whined about the reasons and begged to come over. So we had to help her bake and make Christmas presents because she is incapable. Cat ended up falling asleep at some point with her hand in beads and her head on a sugar cookie. Beck let her eat too much sugar, once again. As pay back I made Beck clean up the kitchen. I got bored so I used some of Cat's jewelry making stuff to make Beck a necklace with a J on it so it would remind girls who he belonged too. He made me a bracelet with a B on it.

Christmas December 2011

Christmas is finally over! It was mostly terrible. I was able to go to Beck's for like an hour on Christmas Eve. He gave me a present early so I had something nice happen before dinner with my family. He gave me an awesome scissor necklace. It was perfect! I had to spend this Christmas at my father's house, the courts choice not mine. My mom went to Napa to be with her mother for the holiday. This Christmas was with my dad, Kelly, Ben, my grandmother, my aunt Elizabeth and uncle David and their annoying girly thirteen year old Megan. I hardly ever see anyone from my dad's side of the family as he never does. My dad's side of the family is not close and basically only sees each other on holidays, at funerals, and will readings. My dad and his sister and brother in law do not get along. They have never been close so gatherings are infrequent and always awkward. My grandmother just sits around cold faced and disapproves of everything. I actually felt sorry for Kelly as the way she cooks, cleans, decorates, and raises her son is never good enough. I'm not surprised because according to my grandmother my mother was ill equipped at those tasks as well. My grandmother prodded me on my life and was not afraid to express her disappointment. Apparently, I am a gothic wiccan because of my mother. She also said that my boyfriend must be equally as troubled and an "Ozzy what's his name" wanabee, otherwise how could I have a boyfriend. She only hoped that Benjamin would turn out better since his mother comes from a decent family but is a beach bunny she wouldn't hold her breath. My cousin and I had to share a room so we could get to know each other better. She spent the entire time talking about how weird my room was, how cute my boyfriend is, all of the "totes" cute and uncute boys at her school, her backstabbing ex friend, and god knows what else. I yelled at her to shut up. She had the nerve to yell at me and say that I was just jealous of her. Apparently, I had no friends and must spend a lot of time on my knees otherwise I wouldn't have a boyfriend. I grabbed her by the arm and locked her in the basement. When her parents, grandmother dearest, and my dad took a breath from arguing they noticed her screams from the basement. My dad said I had to let her out. I said I wouldn't until she apologized. My grandmother and aunt and uncle then berated him on what an undisciplined spoiled brat I was and they were going to call the police. Kelly came out of hiding from the kitchen and unlocked the door. She made extra keys because I use to lock myself in rooms a lot. She then said everyone needed to lay off and if they paid attention none of this would have happened. Having the two girls share a room would of course end in disaster but no one listened to her! While, freaking out on them the smoke detectors started going off as the pies began to burn. My grandmother insists that the pies be made fresh right before we eat them even though no one has the time or energy to make homemade pies right after dinner is over. Everyone, except grandmother and me, went to help clean up the mess in the kitchen. Kelly kicked them all out. I actually am beginning to gain some respect for the lady. I went to go find solace in my room and throw all of my cousin's stuff out of the door but Ben had woken up from his nap and was crying since no one had noticed. I took pity on him and offered to take him with me to go buy some pie for Kelly. I wanted to get out of the house. Kelly said I could go to Beck's after as my father had refused to allow me earlier. I had been invited to go to Beck's for dessert and to watch a Christmas movie with his family. My father of course refused and acted like I was scum of the earth for even asking. Ending the night next to Beck eating pie and watching Christmas movies, even though his parents were there, was a nice ending to an otherwise horrible day. Whosever idea it was to have holidays be about spending time with family is insane, unless they're the Cosby family because they seem like an okay family. The Cosby's put on performances so they can't be too bad.