Red vs Blue: Anime Style

Part 1/Chapter 1: The Beginning and a Warthog

All credits to the original script go to Rooster Teeth Productions, and all characters are credit to their creators . I own nothing but the OC's.

It was another fairly normal day in the canyon of unchanging hot temperature for the Red Team. Their commander was to arrive shortly later in the day, leaving Private First Class Yuki Sohma and Private Naruto Uzumaki to stand guard on top of the base. The only sound was the wind and their breathing, while birds from unknown origin chirped. Nobody could ever find those damn birds.

Yuki took this opportunity to strike up a conversation with the only person there, even if half the time the two couldn't stand one another.

"Hey."

Naruto glanced up at Yuki, as if he had just woken up from a nap. "Yeah?"

"Do you ever wonder why we're here?"

Naruto turned his gaze back to the sky, as if in deep thought. "It's one of life's great mysteries, isn't it?" He turned his head back to Yuki. "Why are we here?" This time, his body changed positions so his entire self was facing her comrade. "I mean, are we a product of... some cosmic coincidence, or is there really a God… watching everything? You know with a plan for us and stuff." Naruto stared out into the canyon once more. "I don't know man, but it keeps me up at night."

"…"

"…"

"What?" Yuki quirked a brow. "I meant, why are we out here, in this canyon?" Yuki folded his arms, watching Naruto turn away, flustered by the misunderstanding.

Naruto was now looking as stupid as ever "Oh, uh… yeah.

"What was all that stuff about God?"

"Uh…hm? Nothing." Naruto quickly retorted.

Yuki began to turn his head away, but then it returned to its previous spot. "You wanna talk about it?"

"No."

"You sure?"

"Yeah."

Despite the fact Naruto still hadn't turned his back away from Yuki yet, Yuki continued on. "Seriously though man, why are we out here? Far as I can tell, it's just a box canyon, in the middle of nowhere, with no way in or out."

"Mhm."

"The only reason we set up a red base here, is because they have a blue base over there. And the only reason they have a blue base over there, is because we have a red base here."

Naruto finally made eye contact with his partner. "Yeah, that's because we're fighting each other."

"No no, but I mean, even if we were to pull out today, and they were to come take our base, they would have two bases in the middle of a box canyon." Yuki rolled his eyes. "Whoop de fucking doo."

"What's up with that anyway? I mean, I signed on to fight some aliens. Next thing I know Rednaxela blows up all of P.E.R.V.'s forces, and I'm stuck in the middle of nowhere fighting a bunch of Blue guys."

That was the last bit of conversation Private Ranma Saotome of the Blue Army bothered to pay attention to through the scope of his rarely used sniper rifle. He didn't even know if the damn thing shot successfully or not; all he did was use the telescope function on it.

Private First Class Kyo Sohma attempted to peek into the scope. "What're they doing?"

Ranma glanced up, furrowing his brow and the return of Kyo's voice. "What?"

"I said what're they doing now?" Kyo attempted to get a hold of the sniper rifle, before Ranma quickly jerked the bulky weaponry away.

"God damn!" Ranma cursed, "I'm getting so sick of answering that question!" His eyes darted away from his partner, because he felt if he had another look at him he would get a nice punch in the jaw.

Kyo's hands quickly moved to his hips. "Hey, you have the fucking rifle, I can't see shit. Don't bitch at me because I'm not going to just sit up here and play with my dick all day."

Ranma growled quietly to himself, before slowly returning his eyes to Kyo. "Okay, okay look. They're just standing there, and talking, okay? That's all they're doing. That's all they ever do, is just stand there and talk. That's what they were doing last week, that's what they were doing five minutes ago. So five minutes from now, when you ask me, 'What are they doing?' my answer's gonna be 'They're still just talking, and they're still just standing there!'" Ranma quickly and angrily turned himself back to his weapon.

A moment of silence passed, before Kyo asked, "…What're they talking about?"

Ranma felt the rifle crack slightly under his grip. "You know what? I fucking hate you."

Unaware of the conversation above, Naruto and Yuki continued yammering away in a conversation that didn't end in sudden bickering.

"Talk about a waste of resources" Naruto sighed. "I mean, we should be out there finding new and intelligent life forms. You know, fight them."

"Yeah, no shit." Yuki said, in one of those rare moments where she became relaxed enough to swear, "That's why they should put us in charge."

Their commander's sharp voice suddenly rang into their ears.

"Ladies!" the tall man born of darkness, Sergeant Shugenatei, shouted at his subordinates, "Front and center, on the double!"

"Fuck me," Yuki murmured.

"Yes sir!" came Naruto's response. The two privates used the conveniently placed ramp to slide onto the canyon sand.

"Hurry up ladies; this ain't no ice cream social!" Shugenatei spat.

"Ice cream social?"

"Stop the pillow-talk, you two." Shugenatei tilted his head back slightly, in an annoyed fashion, eyebrow quirked. "Anyone want to take a guess, as to why I gathered you out here, today?"

"Uh..." Yuki and Naruto took a quick glance at eachother, before Naruto responded, "Um, is it because the war's over and you're sending us home?"

A spark of annoyance flared up in the sergeant's eyes before he smiled. "That's exactly it, private. War's over. We won. Turns out you're the big hero, and we're gonna hold a parade in your honor. I get to drive the float, and Sohma here..." His face suddenly turned violent, as he screamed, "IS IN CHARGE OF CONFETTI!"

Naruto's eyes widened, not by the emotion, but the volume. Sarge, as they normally called Shugenatei, often was prone to violent outbursts like that. Yuki was convinced it was old age, but Shugenatei looked no more than 30. "I'm no stranger to sarcasm, sir."

"God dammit private, shut your mouth or else I'll have Sohma slit your throat while you're asleep," Shugenatei threatened.

"Oh, I'd do it, too," Yuki smiled, gently putting his hand to his chest before shooting a mischievous smile at Naruto.

"I know you would, Sohma… good man."

"Couple things today, ladies." Shugenatei turned to face away from his soldiers. "Command has seen fit to increase our ranks here at Blood Gulch Outpost Number 1."

Naruto moaned. "Crap, we're getting a rookie."

"That's right dead man." Shugenatei smirked. "Our new recruit will be here within the week. But today, we received the first part of our shipment from Command. Tebaschtoua... bring up the vehicle."

The robot, manufactured by Shugenatei himself, pulled up a jeep with a gun turret attached to the back end (with enough room to stand to operate the weapon) over the hilltop.

"Shotgun." Yuki called.

"Shotgun." Naruto but realized he was a little late, "Fuck."

"May I introduce our new light reconnaissance vehicle. Four inch armor plating ...maaag buffer suspension...a mounted machine gunner position with armor-piercing bullets, and total seating for three!" Shugenatei patted the hood of the vehicle. "Gentlemen, this is the M12-LRV!" With pride, the sergeant quickly examined the armor plating. "...I like to call it the Warthog."

Yuki raised his hand slowly. "Why 'Warthog' sir?"

"Because M12-LRV is too hard to say in conversation, son."

"No, but...why 'Warthog'?" Naruto began, unconvinced by the answer. "I mean, it doesn't really look like a pig."

Shugenatei glared at his least favorite private. "Say that again."

"I think it looks more like a..." Naruto quickly examined the car. "A puma."

Shugenatei stopped, thought momentarily, then bit at his lip. "What in Sam Hill is a puma?"

Yuki pretended to mull over this for a second, although he knew damn well what a puma was. "You mean, like the shoe company?"

Naruto groaned. "No, like a puma. It's a big cat, kinda like a lion."

Shugenatei's glare became harder. "You're making that up."

"I'm telling you it's a real animal!" Naruto shouted.

The sergeant quickly glanced at Yuki. "Sohma, I want you to poison Uzumaki's next meal."

"Yes sir" was Yuki's response.

"See these two tow hooks?" Shugenatei crouched to emphasize his point. "They look like tusks. Now what kind of animal...has tusks?"

"A walrus."

"Didn't I just tell you to stop makin' up animals?" Shugenatei barked.

As they had been for the past five or so minutes, Ranma and Kyo were still positioned on their small cliff hideout.

"Hey," Kyo pointed at the vehicle below, "What is that thing?"

"I don't know, but it looks like uh,… looks like they got some kind of car down there. We'd better get back to base and report it."

"A car? How come they get a car?"

"What the fuck are you complaining about man? We're about to get a tank in the very next drop."

"You can't put up chicks in a tank."

Ranma, even though he had calmed down, quickly felt his anger swell up once again. "Oh, you know what; you could bitch about anything, couldn't you. We're gonna get a tank, and you're worried about chicks. What chicks are we gonna pick up man?"

Kyo shrugged in response.

"Firay, and secondly, how are we gonna pick up chicks in a damn car that looks like that!"

"...Well what kind of car is it?"

"I don't know, I've never seen a car that looks like that before… like a, uh, a big cat of some kind."

"… …What like a puma?"

"Yeah man there you go."

"So!" Shugenatei slammed his fist against the hood of the vehicle. "Unless anybody else has any more mythical creatures to suggest as a name for the new vehicle, we're gonna stick with 'the Warthog'." She took a step closer to Naruto. "How about it, Uzumaki?"

"No sir, no more suggestions" the blonde private responded dispassionately.

"Are you sure? How about Bigfoot?"

"That's okay."

"Unicorn?"

"No really, I'm... I'm cool."

"Sasquatch?"

"Leprechaun?" Yuki chimed in.

"Hey, he doesn't need any help man..." Naruto grumbled.

"Phoenix!" Shugenatei suddenly shouted.

"Huh...Christ" Naruto had to hold himself back from attaching palm to face in disgust.

"Hey, Sohma. What's the name of that Mexican lizard, eats all the goats?"

"Uh, that would be the Chupacabra, sir."

"Hey Uzumaki! Chupathingie, how 'bout that? I like it! Got a ring to it..."

6r1f1n470r: man i wonder how this going to work out

Yuki: why do i have to be the kissass

Naruto: Hey at least your guy isn't lazy

Kyo: I hope Tohru doesn't find out

Tohru: Find out what

Kyo: oh nothing

Tohru: I already know about who you play he's my favorite character

Kyo: Wait you watch the show

Tohru: Yep and I'm glad you're in this version

Shugenatei: I'm gonna kill 6r1f1n470r

Ranma: When does Akane show up

Akane: Yeah

6r1f1n470r: in a few more chapters

Tohru: Hey can i get a part in this

6r1f1n470r: Which character

Whispers in his ear

6r1f1n470r: you sure

Tohru: yep

6r1f1n470r: okay looks like Lye is gonna have to be Agent South

Lye: Awwwww but why

tells her the reason

Lye: oh thats fine then

Tohru: thanks

Lye: youre welcome

6r1f1n470r: well got to go to work on english and science and drama

Cast: SEE YOU NEXT CHAPTER