Random Encounters
Chapter 2- Salty Shulk is Salty
After Peach finished assigning numbers, pointedly making Rosalina last, she shuffled her papers and read off the first scenario. "Seven, er," she glanced back at her notes to confirm who seven was before turning red in the realization it was herself. "I kidnap um, Ike and, uh, demand something from Palutena for his release. What is it?"
She didn't even have time to think of an answer before Ike butted in. "Why are you using me to negotiate with the goddess lady? Wouldn't you be better off using Pit or something if you wanted her to care?"
Palutena opened her mouth to protest, but after a strained moment, closed it once more and nodded. "Yeah, I don't really think I'd particularly care about bargaining for your safety."
"But he's my friend!", Pit protested. "C'mon, he's like, fifth on my best friends list after you and Megaman and Samus and Shulk! Well, and Pittoo." His dark clone proceeded to glower at him from across the room. "But I guess he doesn't like me calling him that," Pit hastily added. "Er, both things, not Pittoo or my friend. What was I talking about again?"
"About freeing me from Peach?", Ike provided. As Pit exclaimed "Oh, right!", the mercenary muttered "Fifth-slash-sixth best friend? Gee, thanks Pit," under his breath, not an ounce of sincerity present in the words.
The goddess of light shrugged, showing her great care for the mortals and denizens of the world. "Eh, I would consider Megaman or Samus, but I draw the line at Pittoo and the swordy guy- uh, what was his name, like, Salt or something?"
Glaring daggers at Palutena, Dark Pit snarled at her while Shulk facepalmed and the male Robin snickered. This, however, didn't seem to phase Palutena, as she loudly laughed and said "What, is someone a bit… salty about me forgetting their name?"
It took Salt, er, Shulk punching him in the stomach to stop Robin's laughter and Lucina casting a glare at him to prevent Dark Pit from joining in on said laughter. Amidst the laughter, Peach loudly cleared her throat in an attempt to get the game back on track. "Alright, so, I think if I were bargaining with Ike's life with Palutena, I'd probably be asking for, um, well, I don't know. I mean, I don't have anything against you except…" She trailed off and her eyes shot wide open, like a cartoony lightbulb had just lit up above her head. (A lightbulb relatively above her head had flickered at almost the same exact time, but that was irrelevant.) "Well, I guess I would like you to apologize for a certain incident that occurred last April Fools Day."
Palutena laughed and bore a vacant look in her eyes, fondly remembering the first of that April. "Which one?", she finally questioned after a moment. "The posters or the loudspeaker?"
"The loudspeaker," Peach flatly declared. "I mean, the posters were pretty funny, and I appreciate you made fun of pretty much everyone, but don't you agree blasting Groose's Theme at full blast through every speaker in the mansion for ten hours straight was a bit much?"
"Not at all!", Palutena cheerily declared. "I thought that was one of my best ones! Besides, it goes with anything, doesn't it?"
Everyone groaned. "Palutena, that was maybe the worst welcome I have ever gotten anywhere ever," Lucas said. "And I've been welcomed by many a killer Chimera in my day. And mushrooms."
"Killer mushrooms?", Pit questioned. "Don't remember that part."
Lucas shook his head. "No, just regular mushrooms."
"Well, I don't think that prank warrants an apology," Palutena plainly stated. "If anything, you should be thanking me for stopping Donkey Kong and Diddy Kong's plan to play the DK Rap over the loudspeakers twelve hours."
A quieted hush fell over the room as they realized that their afternoon of auditory agony could have been approximately twenty three times worse. "Yeah, that's not worth betting my life over an apology for," Ike conceded.
That question seemed to have come to a close. Peach gave a small sigh of relief- it was going so well!- and read out her next question. "Four, er, Lucina invites… Lucas and Robin over to her house for dinner. What happens?"
"First question: who's cooking?", Robin inquired.
Lucina's cheeks became flushed with embarrassment. "Ah, my mother, I'd imagine."
The female Robin looked at the Ylissean princess and raised a hood-covered eyebrow. "Your mother, she isn't… Sully, is she?"
Both Lucina and Robin shivered at the prospect of Sully cooking for people. "Oh gods, no," Lucina assured her. "Olivia's my mother."
"Oh, thank goodness!" Female Robin let out a sigh of relief. "Sully would be an awful choice to marry Chrom; you couldn't even get Galeforce. Olivia's a good option, though. Good skill to compliment Rightful King, and you do well with Astra. Sully's better off with Donnel or Gaius, but considering Nah and Noire can benefit more from Galeforce, they're pro-"
"Okay, other me, I think that's enough on eugenics for today," interrupted the male Robin. "Olivia is a pretty good cook, though, so I guess there's nothing culinary for us to fear."
Lucas still looked a bit uneasy. "No matter how nice Olivia is, that doesn't make up for Inigo…", he muttered, and Lucina quickly clenched her fists and assumed a rather fake smile.
"Oh, my brother's a fine person once you get past all his showmanship," she assured the psychic through gritted teeth. "Really, he's very impersonal and quiet in person!"
She kept that clenched-teeth grin on her face for far too long after she'd stopped talking. "Lucina, are you alright?", Marth finally asked after a moment.
"I am perfectly fine!", Lucina practically shouted in response.
An awkward moment of silence passed before Peach decided it was probably time to move on. "Okay, so Salt, er, I mean Shulk has to stay at a friend's house for the night. Does he choose Pit's or Marth's?"
Salt groaned. "My name is Shulk. That is my name. It is not Salt. Stop calling me that or-"
Dark Pit smirked. "What are you really not feeling i-"
He was halted from finishing his overquoted taunt by Shulk calmly getting up, walking behind the couch, and using the Monado to stab the dark angel in the back. The seer then sat back down without a word as Dark Pit turned into a trophy and face-planted on the carpet.
It took a moment for the seer to acknowledge the fact that Pit was gaping at him. "What?", Shulk questioned rather nonchalantly for someone who had just murdered his roommate.
"How- how did you do that?", Pit practically gasped.
"What, kill him?", Shulk questioned as Lucina tapped Dark Pit's trophy's base to revive him, shifting her glare between the angel and his assailant. "I just used my forward smash and-"
"No, I mean how did you kill a person!", Pit clarified loudly. "I mean, that's clearly the Monado I, so you shouldn't be able to kill people, only machines and monsters! It doesn't look like the Monado II, let alone the Monado III, so how can you do that?"
The Homs seer simply shrugged. "I don't really know. I guess it's for the same reason we turn into trophies when we die and don't, well, die; it's just how this world works."
"Besides," Marth added. "He regularly hurts people with it in battle, so why is it you're only questioning it now?"
"Well, I can see how it could launch people, but it shouldn't be able to kill them!", Pit protested. "That's, like, really not how it worked in Xenoblade Chronicles!"
Deciding to intervene, Peach quickly exclaimed "Shulk, please choose someone to spend the night with!"
"Um…" Shulk placed his hand to his chin, eyes darting between the prince and angel. "Well, a minute ago I would have said Pit without hesitation, but I'm sort of annoyed with him now, but I guess I don't really know Marth, so I guess still him."
Pit said no more, but crossed his arms and glowered in a manner that made him nearly indistinguishable from his dark twin across the room in any way but coloration.
AN- For those who haven't played Xenoblade Chronicles, Shulk's sword initially can't kill people, but gets an upgrade at some point that allows him to and changes its appearance a bit, hence why Pit knew it wasn't upgraded. I shall say no more, as I am actually not far enough in the game myself to know the circumstances of the upgrade. Don't worry, I'll only explain the joke if it's super obscure. Also, I'm opening a poll on my profile page of who Female Robin should be married to from her game, so go check that out. Thanks for reading! –Twilight Joltik