Almost six years earlier

Maddie lay on her back looking at the dark ceiling listening to the sounds of her bunkmate climbing into the bed beneath her. She thought she knew what was going to happen next. She did not have to wait long until she heard the muffled sobs. Maddie was pretty sure everyone cried on their first night in prison, even those who had not been shaken up by other prisoners, minutes before night time. Since the three ladies had provided the stick, she felt she should give Debbie the carrot. Softly she climbed down and sat down on her knees on the cold floor next to Debbie's bed.

'Hey, hey', she whispered softly. Debbie was lying on her side, facing the wall, pushing her face into her pillow to stifle her crying. 'it is going to get better.'

Debbie's shoulders just shook harder.

'First day in prison sucks', Maddie continued, gently rubbing Debbie's shoulder.

'Hmmf, smff, ', She heard some muffled sounds coming from Debbie's pillow, but she could not make out what Debbie was saying.

'Get your mouth out of that pillow, Ocean,' Maddie said not unkind, brushing her fingers through Debbie's hair.

Debbie turned around to face her.

'Is the second day any better?', she repeated her question, a ghost of a smirk playing up on her tear-stained face, like she just had made a great comeback. She really admired Debbie's ability to always try to have the last word.

'Well no, the second day is going to be just as bad, and so is every day after, but you know, you get used to feeling shitty after a while…' Maddie's fingers were still playing with Debbie's hair.

'Great pep talk', muttered Debbie, but the tears had stopped. They just sat there in silence for a while, Maddie's fingers stroking Debbie's hair in soft soothing motions.

'What did your brother do to piss Hermosa's husband off?', Maddie asked after a few minutes.

Debbie let out a shaky breath. 'Dunno. But my brother pisses of a lot of people on a daily basis.'

'Hermosa should not be a big problem, she is almost out.', said Maddie.

Debbie stared at Maddie's face intensely. 'Can I ask you a private question?', she asked, while gently prying Maddie's hand out of her hair. She did not let go of Maddie's hand, she was just holding it.

'You can ask, can't promise I will answer.', quipped Maddie but she was pretty sure she was going to answer. It was pretty pathetic how much she was enjoying this conversation. Prison had been lonely.

'How long have you been here already?', asked Debbie softly, her thumb grazing over Maddie's knuckles.

'One year in juvie and then three years in this swanky place', she replied.

She saw how Debbie's big brown eyes looked at her with sympathy and she was not sure how she felt about that. Debbie seemed to sense her discomfort under her gaze and looked down on their touching hands.

'What did you do to end up in this swanky place?', asked Debbie. Maddie noticed she tried to keep her tone light, but both women knew this was not a light question.

'Newbie, did I just not tell you this afternoon about the rule not to ask people about their crimes?', Maddie tried to sound strict, but she was very distracted by their touching hands.

'I almost never play by the rules, replied Debbie and she brought Maddie's hand up to her mouth and placed one tender kiss on it.

Just by that one move, Maddie felt her breathing become rushed. Prison had made her that starved for attention.

She quickly pulled her hand out of Debbie's and felt the need to start talking to distract both of them from her awkward move.

'Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me' she mumbled rushed.

Debbie gave her a confused look.

'Is that a riddle?'

Maddie just gave Debbie a hard stare in the dark. She did not want to tell anyone about what happened, but she did kind of want someone to know about what happened. Debbie looked into her eyes for more than a minute.

'Someone hurt you and when they tried to do it again you killed them.', Debbie stated after a while.

Maddie felt like the air got stuck in her throat. Why was she giving the woman so much information? She did not trust her voice, so she just nodded.

'You really killed someone?'

This time it was Maddie who felt tears prickling in her eyes. She looked down, hoping that Debbie would not notice in the semi-dark of their cell. This conversation had become too emotional.

'I stabbed him, didn't know he would die', she said trying to keep her voice unbothered. Debbie seemed to sense her emotional state and Maddie did not like that one bit. She stood up and climbed into her top bed, feeling they had both experienced enough emotions for one night.

Maddie lay in bed, utterly confused. What had happened? She felt like she had shared more with this woman in the last few minutes than she had with anyone else in the last few years.

It was only later, right before she fell asleep, that she realized that Debbie might have been playing her. As a con-artist Debbie knew exactly how to play people and get what she wanted. Had Debbie only grabbed her hand and played nice because she had wanted to know with what kind of criminal she was sharing her cell with?

Present

Debbie could not help keeping the smile on her face watching Maddie across her eating her food. After all those years in one cell, she could read Maddie's face better than anyone in the world. She had to admit that Maddie's face had changed a bit in the months they had not seen each other. For the better. Less skinny, more freckled. But still, she knew what was going on in the girl's mind. Outwardly Maddie may look very cool, but she knew Maddie was feeling very nervous about meeting this group of new women. She could also tell that Maddie was in pain, not only because she could see the wound on the edge of her hair or the barely concealed bruises on her face but by the way her eyebrows were knitted together. She felt a pang of guilt going through her heart.

Maddie's eyes looked up from her plate and met with Debbie's. Maddie cocked an eyebrow.

'What ya looking at, Ocean?', asked the redhead.

'You.', replied Debbie. 'You look better outside prison.'

Maddie gave her a small smile. 'Yeah, the orange uniform did not go great with my hair.' Then she smirked, 'You do still look old, even outside prison.'

Debbie pretended to be offended. 'Fuck you.'

The look Maddie gave at that last response send a small shiver down her back.

An awkward silence fell over the room. The others were all sending each other silent looks, trying to find out what was happening between Debbie and Maddie. Debbie was relieved when Lou stepped in and did a quick round of names.

After exchanging more hi's and welcome's, the awkward vibe had calmed down and Debbie noticed that the smile on Maddie's face had become bigger and more genuine.

Maddie turned to Lou. 'So where is the champagne I was promised?'

A groan came from Tammy, who was still too hungover to think about a new intake of alcohol. The rest of the gang seemed quite happy about more champagne, so Debbie stood up to get a bottle and glasses.

When she returned she noticed Lou did not seem too enthusiastic about the alcohol intake either.
'Are you still hungover?', she asked quietly. But Lou shook her head.

'I am not sure that Maddie should combine her pain medication with alcohol.', explained the blonde.

Debbie looked at the bottle in her hand with a bit of guilt. She had not thought of that.

'I am sure Maddie can decide that herself, right?', she said to Lou, but it was more of a question.

'And I am sure that Maddie would not like people talking about her as if she wasn't there.', came a third voice. Debbie looked at Maddie who had joined their conversation. She took the bottle from Debbie with a huff and poured herself a glass. When the task was done she looked up to Lou with a very serious look.

'I stopped the pain medication', she said. 'I was not joking the other day.' Lou and Maddie locked eyes in understanding and Lou gave a small nod.

Debbie had no idea what was going on and she did not like it.

One month earlier

'Are you nervous?', asked Lou looking at the redhead next to her. The younger woman did not trust her voice, so she just shook her head. But the way she grabbed Lou's hand tighter told her that she was indeed very nervous, and Lou could not blame her. She tried to formulate a sentence to put the girl at ease but before she could come up with the right words a man walked in.

'Good afternoon', said the man with a heavy German accent. 'You are the friends of Debbie, yes?'.
Lou shared one look with Maddie and almost burst out laughing. The man with the bushy mustache in combination with the doctor's coat and the German accent gave this whole thing a surreal vibe.

'Yes, that is us', she shook the doctor's hand and came straight to business. 'so we have this very strange request.'

The doctor raised one eyebrow and with that action also half of his mustache. Lou heard a smothered giggle from Maddie. 'I highly doubt that, all my requests are strange.'

Lou was taken back by his confidence for a split second, before she regained herself. She explained to the doctor that they needed pain medication that was strong enough to make an injured Maddie able to move freely for a couple of hours.
The doctor was indeed not taken back by that request and turned to Maddie.

'That is very possible. I can come up with some concoction that can numb the pain. I will need to know your height and weight and a few medical details, so I can determine which medication will work best for you. Is it okay if Miss Miller stays in the room for that?'

Lou felt Maddie's eyes on her as the girl seemed to consider the question.

'That's okay', she replied.

The doctor was more thorough in his questions than Lou had anticipated. He asked a lot of details. He wanted to know the medication Maddie had taken in the last few years, the childhood diseases she had had and even more. Lou could see that Maddie was not so sure any more about Lou staying in the room. Even though the details shared were not very shocking or revealing, she knew that Maddie disliked disclosing much about herself. The way Maddie kept to herself and liked to know more about other people, than she liked other people to know about herself reminded Lou of Debbie. Both women were quite private.

So as a curtesy to Maddie she tried zone the questions out a bit and just looked at one of the posters above the doctor's desk.

The next question, however, caught her attention.

'Have you ever been pregnant?', asked the doctor, while checking something on his list. Maddie stayed quiet. The doctor looked up from his list.

'Miss Stone?', prompted the doctor, quite oblivious from the tense atmosphere between Maddie and Lou.
Maddie glanced over at Lou and seemed to decide that she was going to ignore the older woman. Maddie focused completely on the doctor.

'Uhm, I was pregnant but had an abortion.', she told the doctor, trying to ignore the blonde in the corner of her eyes.

'I see', said the doctor, ticking of some other box on the paper. 'and how was the pregnancy terminated?'

Maddie let out a frustrated sigh. 'Does it matter? It was twelve years ago.'

The doctor looked up from his papers, a bit surprised by Maddie's attitude maybe. 'No, I suppose that it is not relevant now.'
Lou was taken aback by Maddie's answer. 'Twelve years ago you were like 14.' She said not really believing what she was hearing.

Maddie shot her a cold look. 'I know Lou, I can do the math.'

'Ah, I see that it is a touchy subject.', said the doctor in his heavy accent. 'I will drop it. All I need to know is if it was done by a real medical professional.'

Maddie huffed. 'Like you are a real medical professional? It was done properly at a clinic. No complications.'
Maddie was still avoiding Lou's eyes.

'I am a real doctor, I just don't work in the hospitals', said the doctor, who did not seem impressed by Maddie's behavior. 'Last question, is there a history of substance abuse in your family?'

Maddie tensed up. By the way the redhead completed turned her back to Lou, zoning the other woman out, Lou could already tell what the answer was.

'My dad liked the bottle,' started the girl. 'But who doesn't? My mom, uhm, she was a drug addict.' Maddie fell quiet for a bit. 'Is a drug addict.'

The doctor seemed unaware of his effect on Maddie. 'What kind of drugs, miss Stone?'

Maddie threw her head back, frustrated by yet another question. 'I don't know.', she spat angrily. 'I was seven, didn't ask what it was. Something you can shot in your arm, that is all I remember.'

The doctor looked at Maddie, but seemed to sense that he should stop the questioning. Lou could not see Maddie's face but the doctor seemed taken aback by the look Maddie gave him. He busied himself with his papers for a minute.

'This is how we are going to do this', he started after a while, addressing both women. Lou took a step forward to join the conversation. 'There is going to be an injection for miss Stone and I will also have some pills she can take. It is going to be a heavy dose and I want the both of you to take that serious. The pain your body is going to experience prevents you from hurting it further, but when you take the medication the chance of hurting yourself more increases because you won't feel the pain. Be very careful.'

The doctor turned to Maddie now.

'Miss Stone, I am a little worried about your family's history with addiction. In the hospital they may give you a button to push to give yourself more pain killer, I must urge you to be very careful with that because they don't take the illegal shot you get from me into account. It is easy to overindulge in that way. The pills should not be taken with alcohol and please try to not depend on them for too long.'

Lou listened with increased worry. Should Maddie be doing this?

'Don't worry, I will not become an addict.', came Maddie's voice and it sounded like a promise.

The doctor seemed satisfied with Maddie's reply and gave a content nod.

'What do we owe you, doctor?', asked Lou and grabbed her wallet. She noticed that Maddie was still not looking at her even though the girl was standing next to her now.
She paid the doctor, who gave them a very friendly price ('tell Debbie I said hi'). Lou turned to grab the injection-cocktail the doctor had mixed together, but the doctor grabbed it first.

'O no, Miss Miller', he said. 'We may not have met before, but Debbie has told me about you. I am not giving you the bottle, you can collect it the morning of the 7thof May.'

This time it was Lou who avoided Maddie's gaze.

Both Maddie and Lou were silent in the car on their way back. Lou knew that Maddie still felt a bit embarrassed after sharing so much about her past with herself and a stranger. So even though she wanted to ask about some of the things she heard, she stayed quiet.

It was Maddie who broke the silence. 'Why did the doctor not give us the bottle already?', she asked.

Lou took a deep breath. She knew why but she did not particularly want to share the reason. Yet, she felt that sharing something about herself would make Maddie a bit less uncomfortable.

'I suppose because he knows that I used to be addicted.', she answered the question. She kept her eyes on the road but did see that Maddie was watching her with interest.

'So, I think that the doctor did not trust me to not use the drugs myself.'

'Was he right?', asked the younger woman. Lou glanced at Maddie and saw that she was very interested in the conversation. Maddie was sitting sideways in her seat, back to the door and intently watching her.

Lou thought about the question. 'I would have been tempted', she admitted. 'But I would have never taken your medicine, because I would never wanted to hurt you.'

Maddie was watching Lou as if she saw her for the first time. Her eyes were darting over Lou's face. Lou could tell that there were a hundred questions on the girl's mind. She locked her eyes on Maddie's.

'You can ask.', Lou said.

Maddie opened her mouth but closed it before a sound had come out. She was quiet for a while.

'Why do people feel drawn to drugs?', asked Maddie finally. 'Why take something that is only going to cause harm?'
Lou could feel the weight of the question and focused on the road because she found talking easier without eye contact.

'I can only tell for myself, but I think the harm they can possibly do is part of what makes it so thrilling. It is liberating to not care about yourself. Sometimes the drugs were a way of punishing myself. I..', she fell silent. She swallowed. 'I think I took the drugs because I cared less about myself than I cared about the thrill the drugs were going to give me.'

'But other people may care more about you. You can't just decide whether or not you can fuck yourself up. You are hurting other people.', Maddie sounded very serious.

Lou thought about Debbie and the pain her behavior had caused the brunette. 'I know.', she sighed.

They were silent for a few minutes. Maddie shifted in her seat, both legs on the seat and she looked out of her window. Lou thought that their talk was over but then the redhead opened her mouth.

'You can ask', she said, mimicking Lou's words from earlier. Lou was taken aback, she had not expected Maddie to open up willingly. This was a rare opportunity and there were many things Lou wanted to ask. In the end she did not go for a question about Maddie's past.

'Should I be worried about you coming in contact with drugs?', she asked Maddie.

'No.' Maddie sounded very sure. 'When I was young, my dad always told me that my mom was the prettiest woman on earth. He'd tell me stories about how all the boys in school liked her and how jealous everyone was when my dad ended up with her. He said she was like a princess'

Lou smiled a little, if Maddie's mom looked anything like Maddie, she had no trouble believing that she had indeed been very pretty.
Maddie continued. 'And I never understood who he was talking about, because the mom I knew was not pretty. My mom missed most of her teeth, had really filthy hair most of the time and her skin did not look like human skin. I always was a little scared of her. Because she smelled and once I saw her put a man's dingdong in her mouth. So, I thought that drugs turned princesses in the monster my mom was. So, no, I am not afraid that I am going to like the drugs too much.' She let out a wry chuckle. 'The seven-year-old in me is going to be afraid that the drugs are going to make my teeth fall out maybe.'

Maddie turned to Lou.

'Have you ever heard the sound a baby makes when he goes through drugs withdrawal?', she asked Lou.

Lou shook her head, but she felt a shiver running over her back.

'Well, I have.' Maddie sounded angry. 'Drugs are fucking evil. Count me out.'