No amount of loose clothing could hide the truth for very long. I was so big, and there would be no hiding the small life that would most likely come forth any day now. Joy should be the emotion playing through my mind now, not terror. Because once the baby was here there was absolutely no hiding from Peeta that while he was being tortured, being hijacked by the capital; I was having sex with Finnick Odair. What I did is the ultimate betrayal, giving everything I'm sure Peeta wanted away to Finnick, to someone I didn't love because I was weak. The thought of hurting the boy who'd just planted primroses in my yard for me hurt more than even the worst burn. And what kind of world was this to bring a baby into? All that was left in 12 where I was condemned to for the rest of my days were the charred remains of not only a city, but a people I helped destroy. This was no place for a child to grow up in, fatherless with only a mockingjay with no more wings for a mother. How will a fire mutt like me be able to raise a child when I cannot even be trusted to keep myself alive, is that not why the forced Haymitch here? Haymitch! He is the one person in the world who may be able to sort the jumbled thoughts inside my head. Clever, witty, infuriating Haymitch is the only person left in the world I have left to turn to in this mess. Gale would be even more hurt than Peeta, and I could never talk to the man who turned my sister into a human torch about a child. The only other person who I would consider telling this to would be Finnick, the only friend I really had left but Haymitch, the other person who would be stuck in this with me. Finnick would have no problem helping me stay together in the mess of my life, together we'd be stronger. He'd probably even be able to take the baby away from here to the safety of 4, away from me and the pile of bodies at my feet. If Finnick were here this baby could belong to him and Annie, it could have parents it deserves. Instead all this baby has is me. Pulling my father's hunting jacket close I venture into the outside world again making my way to Haymitch's house where I know I will find the man himself, blotting the world out with drink. I force my way inside surprised to find him up and sober, the liquor must have run dry again.
"What do you want, sweetheart?" He murmurs looking like he has his own demons battling in his head.
I swallow unsure if it is wise, if it is fair to burden him with the weight of my problems too. What right do I have to add to his misery? I am about to decide this was a mistake when he glares at me and snaps, "Spit it out already sweetheart, I have geese to tend to." At this I simply break down into sobs which seems to take him aback because he moves over to me and I soon find myself being comforted by his surprisingly warm embrace. I move to recoil afraid of being touched from fear of revealing my secret, but stop myself. Is this not what I came here to tell? It is too late now anyway as I feel Haymitch tense and his arms awkwardly withdraw as if he is not sure what to do with me. This brings on a new round of sobs and again my mentor moves to stop the tears, comfort comes now not just to ease my pain but also to bring him answers. Once he is sure questions won't bring on another round of sobs he gently moves away from me and looks into my eyes. "Is it Gale's?" He questions clearly thinking this is the reason for my silence, for my pain. I shake my head unable to form the words, once again the mockingjay has lost her voice. "The boys?" He asks sounding surprised and somewhat confused unable now to grasp now why exactly I fear raising the life inside me. Again I shake my head and this time I struggle to find the words to explain. Eventually all I am able to utter in way of an explanation is a single word; but it is enough that Haymitch's eyes widen, confused and unable to quite grasp what I am saying. It seems to hang in the air between us, "Finnick."